A recap of Braun’s ass-kicking of Roman two weeks ago airs. Then we get his dumpster toss of Kalisto, and the ring-breaking with Big Show. This video package made Braun look so fucking cool. Holy shit. The borg assimilates Cole for a moment as things sound odd. And once again, DAVID OTUNGA NOT BEING ON RAW, despite never actually doing commentary, gets a bigger explanation than 99% of all things in the company. Jericho comes out and says that this will be the last Highlight Reel on Raw because he’ll win the title. It doesn’t matter if he’s on Raw, SD, or SOUTHPAW REGIONAL WRESTLING, everyone here is his friend. Miz interrupts him. Miz gets a “you suck” chant and says he can’t suck – he’s not from Kansas City! Miz cancels Jericho’s show to put MizTV on Raw…wasn’t it just on Raw a week ago?
Dean comes down and says that Jericho’s right, Miz is a stupid idiot. Jericho said he didn’t say it – but he was thinking it. So then Dean has thinsg changed to his show. Dean brings up their feud and I have no recollection of it. Jericho says he broke a potted plant on Dean, and Dean tore up his jacket. Dean owes him $15,000, but due to a bad game of blackjack, he doesn’t have that – but he does give him a cheap blazer with tiny Christmas lights on it. I can’t wait for that Christmas light blazer to wind up giving Abyss magical powers in TNA. So after 20 MINUTES, Dean hits the DDT on Miz.
Matt walks backstage before facing Sheamus, doing some Broken stuff. It’s baffling that they’re actually calling them the Hardy Boyz, thus sticking them right in the early ’00s gimmick no matter what, when The Hardys worked just fine in ’08 and ’09. Matt hits a series of V ONE-AH legdrops for 2. Oh thank God. Here’s Cole to inject life in the match with WWE Facts. Matt avoids the chest clubs and hits a side effect on the apron. After a break, Matt gets clubbed and hit with a flying shoulderblock off the top for 2. A DELETE running lariat and bulldog combo hits before a second rope elbow gets 2. Jeff gets pulled off the apron by Cesaro, distracting Sheamus to give Matt a Twist win. The Hardys once again reluctantly shake hands with their Payback opponents.
Kurt talks to a human being on the phone about how for The First Time Ever, Kalisto Will Face Braun Strowman in a Dumpster Match. Miz is appalled at waiting for over TWO MINUTES to see Kurt. Miz is told that he can pick a partner, or co-star to face Dean and Jericho tonight. Neville comes down for a tag match with TJP. I like that just calling yourself The King actually makes you more important than being King of the Ring and winning a formal tournament. Gallagher and Aries are out and send the heels packing for a quick break.
TJ hits a basement dropkick to Jack for 2. Aries gets a suicide dive and the chancery is locked on, but Neville breaks it up. Jack holds TJP, leading to Aries hitting one forearm and then the discus to win. Braun comes out to massacre Kalisto. This really just needs to be a one move squash match. If Tully Blanchard can get them in the mid ’80s, then by God, Braun needs them now. Braun says that stuffing Kalisto in the dumpster means he’s doing it to everyone here – and especially Roman. Kurt talks to Kalisto, who angrily yells in Spanish. “I’M A MAN KURT, I AM NO GARBAGE!”
Kalisto gets a bit of offense – including a nice springboard dropkick. THEN HE GETS LAUNCHED ACROSS THE RING! Braun goes for the powerslam to the dumpster, but gets choked in the ropes by Kalisto. CORNER AVALANCHE HITS! Giant chest club. God, Braun is just so perfect in 2K17 thanks to the moveset editor. Braun goes for a press slam into the dumpster, but KALISTO DROPKICKS HIM INTO IT AND WINS! DEADLIFT ONE ARM CHOKESLAM! Giant chokeslam and then ANOTHER DEADLIFT CHOKESLAM! Kalisto gets tossed into the dumpster – so Kalisto won the battle, but lost the war. Braun pushes the dumpster up the ramp and threatens to toss it off the ramp. Braun actually fastens the lid of the dumpster with straps – which I didn’t even know was a thing. He tosses it off. OH NOW. HOW WILL KALISTO SURVIVE THAT…one foot fall…
We get a quick recap of the post-match deal. Yeah, let’s do a slow mo replay OF THE WORST ANGLE. Brilliant! A Roman video airs before Bray says scary things about Randy Orton. Alicia Fox vs. Dana is a perfect “bring down the crowd” match. Booker talks about Emma at ringside, but his mic is largely muted. “Dana Brooke is all about repetition!” Booker, please stop trying to put people over. Michinoku driver gets the win for Dana. Emma hugs Dana, who looks like she has a candy set of wax lips on. The Payback card is recapped. Okay, so the House of Horrors match is WCW Hardcore Rules. You can do anything you want to someone with any weapon of your choice – BUT YOU CAN ONLY GET A PIN INSIDE A WRESTLING RING. They spent weeks not announcing the stip to deliver that.
Joe and Club team up to face Seth and Enzo and Cass tonight, and they chat with Charly. The faces are NERDS. Enzo and Cass come down. Enzo is beaten down, and then Balor replaces him. Cole brings up how Balor used to be a Club with Anderson and Gallows, and boy would that be better than what they’re all doing now – spinning their wheels in the late ’30s on the Raw mid-card treadmill. Luke dominates the action for the heels, which is bad. Joe catches Karl off a toss and they eat a dive from Seth. Seth teases a pedigree, but stops and does the Rainmaker knee strike. Okay, the Rainmaker knee strike just doesn’t work. Just make it a short-arm knee shot. Miz meets with Cesaro and Sheamus, who turn him down. Alexa walks backstage, yes, she’s next!
Alexa talks about how too many people talk and gets a what chant – so she says ALEXA’S THE BEST WHAT. Bayley chats about Female Superstars in the back. “Payback is in your hometown? I THOUGHT YOU LIVED IN CANDYLAND!” Alexa rules. Alexa asks if Bayley’s ever kissed a boy, and since she’s engaged, I’d sure hope so. Sasha comes down and Corey says that Sasha stood in line for a fridge opening. They jibber jabber for a bit and Sasha vs. Alexa is set up.
Bayley is on commentary and hypes up Alexa. “She’s a two-time SmackDown Live Women’s Champion!” God, does them just putting Show Name Here for the championships kill any sense of importance. Alexa eats a series of knees and leaves, so Sasha wins by countout. Bayley chases Alexa, but she turns her back and gets jumped by Alexa. Dean asks to be taken off the list, but Jericho says it’s in pen, and he owes him $15,000, so no. Also, he put him in tacks in the Ambrose Asylum match. Wow did I forget about that. Dean brings up the new jacket, so he’s taken off the list. He says they’ll be the most recent Rockers, so he puts him back n the list. Well, that could make him the Al Snow of the team.
Miz vs. Balor and The Club vs. Enzo and Cass are announced for the pre-show. FINN BALOR IS ON THE PRE-SHOW!? Why even put him on the card? AND WHY IS HE FACING BALOR!? Miz meets with his Marine 5 co-stars Heath and Axel to team with him. Axel volunteers Heath, who says no, he has Rhyno. I love Rhyno getting paid six figures to travel the world, eat snacks, and occasionally bump. Miz will have an “awesome” partner tonight. Maybe it’s Mizdow, or perhaps Mike Bennett. Curt Hawkins is mid-ring to talk about the fans getting a heaping helping of Hawkins.
I hope Hole in One Barry Darsow takes a foreman position at the Curt Hawkins Star Factory. Apollo Crews comes out to no reaction. Crews has armbands on…and still smiles too much, and he’s now doing it while selling. Booker buries him for smiling. There we go – a white guy in a blue shirt put his hands up in support for Crews. He has one fan. Spinout powerbomb wins for Crews. Apollo needs a finisher that doesn’t look worse than AJ’s transitional torture rack powerbomb. The Titus Brand comes down to further sink Apollo’s ship.
We see bits of a Roman interview talking about his departed brother, and then a recap of Roman vs. Braun airs. It goes back from the Rumble all the way through last week’s Raw ring implosion. Aries pitches a 205 Live main event idea to Kurt and gives him a banana. Miz tells Kurt that he has a partner – and his partner found him. The Drifter walks backstage playing his guitar and Kurt tells him good luck. Miz says that’s not his partner, and he won’t need luck – so they get into a bit. Dean and Jericho come down before Miz and Cole plugs Queen Sharmell for Booker.
Miz’s partner doesn’t come down, so Kurt comes down and tells him that he had to get a partner, and didn’t. So now Miz gets no partner. Babyface advantage. So it’s like a TNA War Games match. Miz gets his ass kicked for a bit before an ad break. Double axehandle hits and a C’MON BABY cover gets 2. Booker alternates between talking about Miz being a coward and also being incredibly brave for continuing on to valiantly fight the odds. Dean and Miz brawl on the announce table before the lights go out. Oh shit, IT’S BRAY WYATT. And now he’ll face Dean for the IC Title. Way to instantly devalue that title, and the WWE Title alongside it. Bray hits Sister Abigail to Jericho and stands on top of his fallen body. Okay. Then he hits Miz with one too. All righty. This got everyone in it under.
Tags: Braun Strowman, Kurt Angle, RAW