Hey there guys, and welcome back to the Spain SmackDown Report. We’re just under a week from finding what the fuck a House of Horrors match is, unless we’re thrown that particular bone tonight. Let’s find out.
The show itself kicks off with Renee Young trying to interview Shinsuke Nakamura before getting Ziggled. Sounds obscene, I know, but it just means that Dolph interrupts the interview and takes over the job of talking to Nakamura. That somehow manages to involve Dolph pretending that Nakamura only speaks Japanese and also implying that he’s Michael Jackson, in a twofer of unnecessary crassness. Nakamura then interviews Ziggler in Japanese, so it’s nice to know that the writers of this crap are earning their money tonight.
Ziggler superkicks Shinsuke and decides to go for another. Nakamura has other ideas however, and takes Dolph down. He wants the Kinshasa, but Ziggler escapes the ring and heads for the hills.
The Future of SmackDown
When we come back, Kevin Owens is sitting at ringside in anticipation of the AJ Styles/Baron Corbin rematch. Styles makes his way out to the ring, followed by Corbin. If this is anything like their match from last week, we’re in for a real treat. Owens literally promises to interfere in the match, which is the sort of upright honesty I look for in my Champions.
Styles and Corbin circle each other before Styles dodges Corbin a couple of times. Baron catches a kick, but AJ keeps coming back, finally applying a headlock. Corbin tries to shoot him off the ropes but fails, and Styles flips out of a back suplex attempt and re-applies the headlock. Baron can’t win free of AJ’s grip, making this match about 70% rest hold so far. Corbin finally frees himself and hits Styles with a shoulder block which knocks him right out of the ring as we go to a commercial break.
When we come back, Corbin has pressed his advantage and has Styles in a variation on a chinlock. Styles tries to punch his way free, but all that earns him is to get flung into the corner, followed up by a gnarly-looking chokeslam/backbreaker. AJ gets a bunch of forearms to the face from Corbin, who takes Styles up to the top rope. Styles slides back to the mat and nails Corbin with a Pele kick, followed up by some more strikes and a running forearm to mouth.
AJ wants the Styles Clash, which Corbin counters, then tries the Calf Crusher, which also get countered. Styles hits Baron with another kick to the face, kicks an interfering Kevin Owens in the face as well, then misses the Phenomenal Forearm but counters Corbin’s powerbomb into a pin to take the match!
Not as good as last week’s main event, but this was more about building a rivalry with Owens than simply putting on a great performance. Still a solid enough match. 2.5 Stars.
Owens is immediately on Styles, stomping away at him. Corbin shoves him out of the way, and Owens shoves him back, and for a second it looks as though we’re going to get the most awesome brawl ever, but then both guys go back to kicking the shit out of Styles.
And now Sami Zayn is sprinting to the ring. Owens escapes the ring as Zayn takes out Corbin, nailing the big man with a Helluva Kick. Owens then runs back into the ring, tosses Zayn out of the ring and hits Styles with a Pop-Up Powerbomb to stand tall amidst the carnage.
Meanwhile, Charlotte is backstage and gets interviewed by Dasha about her title match tonight. Charlotte says that she’s pretty much a Championship addict and needs her next fix, which she will get by beating the hell out of Naomi. What strange imagery.
Remember how American Alpha could win matches in about ten seconds?
And it’s time for a number one contenders match for the SmackDown Tag Team Champions, pitting American Alpha against the Colóns in one half of a Beat The Clock Challenge match. Gable starts off against Epico, the two of them trading holds and pins early to begin the match. Jordan tags in a nails Epico with a dropkick before covering him again.
Gable tags in, still working over Epico until the Colón counters with a pull of the hair. Primo saves Epico from a stinger splash and nails Gable with a boot to the face. Primo is in control now, putting the boots to Gable as the Colóns make him their Ricky Morton. We get to four minutes as Primo sentons onto Gable, constantly attempting covers after each move. Primo locks in a submission, then knocks Jordan off the apron as Gable looks to be on the verge of breaking free.
The Colóns go for their powerbomb/backbreaker, but Jordan busts in out of nowhere, interrupting the move and setting Epico up for the Grand Amplitude! American Alpha win with a time of 5:17.
Not a bad match, though the Colóns’ majority of offence made it a far slower and less exciting affair than your typical American Alpha match. 2 Stars.
We see a video that Rusev sent into SmackDown Live, where he says that he doesn’t like Shane or Bryan. He says that the only way he’s going to wrestle for them is if he gets a Championship match at Money in the Bank. Man, we are setting up feuds way in advance. If he doesn’t get the match, he says that he’ll go right back to Bulgaria. Oh yeah, because people fucking love living in Bulgaria.
Dasha is now backstage with Becky Lynch, and she asks her about Charlotte and her history with her. Becky says she doesn’t exactly approve of Charlotte, but can’t deny that she’s getting results. The Super Elite Team of Women’s Division Geniuses then arrive, and tell Becky that, as far as Charlotte’s concerned, Becky is either with them or against them. Considering that the entire team is comprised of losers, I’d say that they probably shouldn’t make threats against people with actually-impressive win/loss records.
I am done with literally all of this
It’s time for Randy Orton to face Erick Rowan in a No DQ match. Is the House of Horrors match going to be a No DQ-esque situation? I don’t know: nobody knows. Seriously, what the fuck is a House of Horrors match?
Rowan shows up with his sheep/vacuum cleaner mask and we get this thing on. Both men lock up, and Rowan bulls Orton into the corner and laces him with strikes before knocking him down with a back elbow. Randy catches Rowan with a kick, then clotheslines him out of the ring, continuing the punishment on the outside with a flurry of forearms and punches. Rowan goes for a bodyslam, but Orton shoves him right into the steel post.
Randy drops Erick back-first onto the barricade, then rocks his beard off the announce table before hitting a back suplex onto the table for good measure. Rowan manages to reverse a clothesline, hurling Orton into the steel steps, then throws him back into the ring. He squashes him in the corner, then hits a huge dropkick to the World Champ. He grabs a Kendo stick from underneath the ring and punishes Orton with it, getting a two count.
Rowan sets up a table on the outside, then tries to suplex Randy out of the ring and through it. Orton fights back desperately, hanging Rowan up on the top rope before smashing the Wyatt Family member with the Kendo stick, sending him through the table and into a commercial break!
When we come back, Rowan has recovered some crazy how and is stomping all over Orton. He hammers on him both in and out of the ring, retrieving the Kendo stick from the outside before Orton catches him with the Vintage DDT. Orton tries the RKO, gets shoved away and nailed with the Kendo stick, and then is kicked right back out of the ring. Rowan grabs the steel steps and charges at Orton, smashing the stairs right into him.
Orton’s sent into the ring and Rowan follows him with a steel chair, setting it up between the top and middle ropes in the corner. Orton manages to stop himself getting thrown into it, avoids Rowan’s charge to send him into the chair and then ends it with an RKO.
Could have had Orton beat the fuck out of Rowan for a solid five minutes and look like a goddamn monster going into this match, but sure: we could do something dull like this instead. 2 Stars.
Then Randy grabs a microphone, because sure: make this even more boring. He says he doesn’t know what a House of Horrors match is, but he intends to find out. The House of Horrors match will be Bray’s hell.
Jinder then shows up and yells at Orton for overlooking the Maharajah. Oh yay: racial sensitivity. Jinder says that he’s richer, more talented and cultured than anyone in the arena, and I’m not sure how that translates into being a better wrestler. He says that Orton disrespects him because he looks different, and did a racist caricature just call someone else out for being racist?
Jinder says that at Backlash he’ll take back his respect, and it’s news to me that he ever had any. He then talks in Punjabi, because honestly what the fuck is going on right now? He throws a punch at Orton, which is just about the dumbest idea in the world. Orton starts beating on Mahal, then gets jumped by the Bollywood Boys. Jesus fuck, we literally have a team called the Bollywood Boys.
Mahal takes Orton out with whatever probably-racist thing his finisher’s called, and then walks out holding the Championship. Man, Randy’s going to look pretty stupid if he shows up to Payback without it. Unless this is all leading up to Bray jumping Jinder backstage, in an attempt to make either member of the House of Horrors match look in any way dangerous.
Turns out that Jinder drove off in a big white limousine whilst stealing the WWE Championship. Wish I was making literally any of this up, because I feel dirty describing it.
This is the greatest thing ever
And apparently my palate cleanser is Breezango vs. the Ascension for the second half of the Beat The Clock Challenge. To be honest, anything had to be better than what I just watched.
Viktor hits a huge corkscrew uppercut to Breeze, and I am hugely in favour of either of these teams becoming the number one contenders. Viktor and Konor hit a double team, almost getting the win there. Konor keeps up the cover attempts, forcing Breeze to kick out again and again. Tyler finally hits an enzuigiri to Konor, dodges Viktor and tags in Fandango.
Fandango runs right the fuck over Viktor for a moment, but runs into a high knee from the Ascension member. Viktor tags in Konor, who squashes Fandango in the corner and sends the dancer into Viktor’s high knee. Konor misses a charge to Breeze, who nails Viktor with a superkick, who staggers into a Falcon Arrow from Fandango! Breezango are the new number one contenders!
Can’t believe they did it, but so happy that this is happening. Shit, let Breezango have the titles. 2 Stars.
Renee Young is backstage with Naomi, and asks her about the huge threat Charlotte represents to her Championship reign. Naomi is supremely confident, comparing herself to Ali and Charlotte to Foreman. She promises us that Charlotte will Feel The Glow.
I care way more about this Championship right now
That match is our main event and right now: it’s time for a Championship Match! Naomi makes her way to the ring, followed by Charlotte. We get the post-entrance announcements for that BIG MATCH FEEL, and it’s title match time.
Charlotte WOOOs Naomi, and then they lock up. Charlotte immediately latches on a headlock and takes the Champ over. Naomi counters, taking Charlotte over in turn and applying her own headlock. She runs Charlotte face-first into the middle turnbuckle, then tries to keep hold of Flair’s head on the outside of the ring. Charlotte takes advantage however, tripping Naomi up on the ring apron and then hauling her straight out to the floor as we go to a commercial break.
When we come back, Charlotte has slowed down the pace of the match, holding Naomi in a form of facelock. Naomi works her way to her feet, but Charlotte is way ahead of her, throwing her across the ring. Naomi manages to hit a back elbow to Charlotte from the corner, but the challenger manages to hang her up from the middle rope and hits a knee to her exposed face.
Huge chop to Naomi out of the corner gets a one count. Charlotte sets her up in the corner again and chops her right down to the floor. Naomi manages to rally, surprising Charlotte out of the corner with a jawbreaker! She hits kicks to Charlotte, but the challenger catches a kick, slaps her across the face and looks for a powerslam; Naomi is able to slide out of the move and hit a hurricanrana, then a back elbow, and a wheelbarrow stunner!
Naomi is elevated onto the apron, but hits a roundhouse kick to the side of Charlotte’s skull before rolling her up. Charlotte rolls through but Naomi kicks her in the gut before hitting her own version of a GTS, substituting the knee for another roundhouse kick! Charlotte reaches her feet, and both women exchange strikes before Naomi grabs Charlotte’s arms and smashes her face right off her feet, then hits her with the Rear View! Charlotte somehow manages to kick out!
Naomi tries another hurricanrana, but Charlotte counters with a sit-out powerbomb for a near fall! She sets Naomi up for a moonsault, but she lands right on the Champion’s knees! And then the rest of the locker room interferes, beating the hell out of both women!
Great, great match. Shame about the ending, but I get that this is building up to bigger things. 4 Stars.
Both Naomi and Charlotte get taken out by The Super Elite Team of Women’s Division Geniuses as the crowd chant for Becky. Apparently Becky really doesn’t care about Charlotte that much though, because she doesn’t make an appearance. I mean, Charlotte’s screwed her out of a couple of Championship matches, so I can really sympathise with her.
This was…kind of a weird show. The things that worked well worked very well: the Women’s Championship match and Breezango becoming the number one goddamn contenders. However, there were some parts of this that felt super cringe, like the Dolph Ziggler/Shinsuke Nakamura interview segment and every single thing about Jinder Mahal. And to be honest, it’s those bits that I’ll remember looking back. 6/10.
Tags: AJ Styles, American Alpha, Baron Corbin, Breezango, charlotte, Dasha, Dolph Ziggler, Kevin Owens, naomi, Renee Young, rusev, shinsuke nakamura, smackdown live, The Ascension, The Colons, WWE