Cole welcomes us to the show and Roman comes out to a chorus of boos. Roman brags about being unbeatable and main eventing his third WrestleMania in a row and retiring the Undertaker. He says hr respects Taker and Taker respects him because he beat him. He says he doesn’t care of Brock or “that guy the call Joe” wins, he’s the number one contender and it’s his yard and he makes the rules. Joe comes out to cheers and says that Roman forgot his name. Joe says that Roman’s never beaten him and then Roman says that Joe will be “just Joe” to him, so Joe headbutts him and kicks his ass. Samoa Joe is THE GUY right now. Give him the ball and run with it. The Hardys jog slowly to prepare to battle The Club. The Raw tag team treadmill continues!
Joe vs. Roman is announced for tonight. The Hardys come out to face the Club. Matt starts off by pumphandling Karl’s arm a ton before tagging Jeff in for a double sledge on the arm. The champs watch backstage. So they’ve improved to shooting guys watching TV at an angle they COULD be watching it…but their eyelines are above the screens. Jeff gets crotched up top and he takes a weird bump for it for an ad break. Jeff plays Ricky Morton more after the break before Matt gets knocked off the apron. Jeff gets the whisper in the wind to both of them and tags in Matt. The fans chant DELETE! as he bashes Karl into the buckle. Luke gets sent over the top and right onto Jeff – that could’ve ended badly. BOOT OF DOOM to Matt hits and it gets 2.9! Blind tag to Jeff leads to a Matt Twist and a swanton ending the match.
Goldust cuts another awesome promo about Hollywood and dreams coming true. But there’s also a side of Hollywood where dreams get shattered – he’s been there, and pieced himself together nicely and he’ll fly into the city of angels on wings of gold. Next week, he wants to invite Truth to the debut of The Shattered Truth. It’s amazing how they’re getting Goldust so right – like main event-level right, and they’re not doing anything with him. He could be getting the WWE Title now on SD with this gimmick and actually getting over. Elias sings – but first, he insults the crowd and demands complete silence to tune his guitar. He needs complete silence? He should ask to be traded to 205 Live. Finn comes out and Elias leaves. Well, that was a productive use of time for everyone. Finn wrestles someone LESS IMPORTANT THAN ELIAS SAMPSON next.
This person is Bo Dallas, now with a giant Bray-esque beard. Bo jumps him and goes for a knockout. Bo dominates him and yells a lot. Bo lands a big knee for 2. Bo Dallas is demolishing the first-ever Universal Champion. This is a thing that is happening. Bo eats the Pele kick. So if Finn Balor gets lucky, he can beat Bo Dallas tonight. Jesus. Slingblade, shotgun kick, and the footstomp end it. Corey leaves and Cole hypes up WWE 2K18 and the Seth trailer and cover. Kurt chats with Enzo and Cass and Kurt says that we’ll know who attacked them tonight. Corey chats with Kurt for a bit. Seth comes out in skinny jeans as Cole calls him the cover boy.
Seth hypes up Jordan, Manning, and HBK as gaming cover guys and now he joins them. Seth says that it almost didn’t happen due to the Authority, and this is OUR cover before Bray interrupts. He calls Seth vain before Seth says that he slayed kings and he got to wrestle an alleged god, but gods only exist in the mind. Bray says he warned him, but he’s here. Bray walks down, but Seth actually has a brain and dives onto him. Corey says he stands by Kurt and his personal matters before Charly interviews Finn, who talks about Joe vs. Roman before Samson beats him up. D-Von runs in and asks for help before getting a chant of his own.
Akira Tozawa comes out to face TJP in a rematch of their 205 Live match. And then Titus comes out to join the fray and says this match needs the proper hype and the proper brand. Titus is an outstanding manager and ring announcer, doing intros that make each guy feel important. As two men wrestle, the announcers talk about Titus holding a BBQ. After TJ gets his knees up for the senton, Neville gets his full intro mid-match. And to think, no one cares about this roster. He says he’s just here to watch Tozawa and we get an ad break.
TJ locks on a chinlock while Booker and Corey talk about big buyrates. Tozawa hits the suicide dive, but eats the chickenwing gutbuster. Tozawa ends it with the senton off the top. We get a few replays for the finish and Titus demands more attention for Tozawa. Titus says that tonight, the Titus brand has a bigger night when he and Crews face the tag champs and they’ll be giving away stuff like Oprah. Neville looks disgusted in his chair and says that Titus is a peasant and he warns Tozawa to tread carefully. Titus says that Neville will fall to the POWAH OF TOZAWA. Okay, that’s good.
Truth cuts another intense blaxploitation promo about his match with Goldust next week. This Goldust-Truth feud is legit the only feud that has a true best of the year quality to it on Raw. Axel consoles Bo for losing before Miz buries them for being goofs and comedy acts. Miz wants them to join his entourage. Okay then – he wants an army of geeks. And now it’s time for a Samoa Joe promo. We see Joe beat up Roman four months ago and pin Roman. Roman comes out for the match before Joe.
Joe and Roman start off with wrestling before a back and forth New Japan forearm exchange. Roman wins that war briefly before Joe goes for the choke, but Roman avoids it. Joe hits a suicide dive and gets the seated chop/kick combo. Joe lands a headbutt, but misses the senton. Roman cocks the fist and Joe leaves the ring because he isn’t a moron. He does eat the drive by though. These two have outstanding chemistry. Have Roman cost Brock the title at GBOF and then you add another thing to the Brock-Roman match at WM and actually make use of this momentum Joe has built up. Joe hits the inverted atomic drop, the high kick, and a senton for 2.
Roman hits the Superman punch for 2! Roman goes for the spear, but eats a boot and a uranage for 2.5. This is a PPV main event-quality match. Joe goes for the choke, but Roman sends him into the buckle and lands the spear BUT JOE GETS HIS FOOT ON THE ROPE AT 2.5! The crowd chants that its awesome and they’re not wrong. Joe gets in at 8 and the match continues! And then an ambulance backs into the building and Braun roars! Joe gets the choke and wins it!
Braun comes down to get revenge on the man who destroyed his shoulder. Braun yells that he’s not finished with him and hits the reverse chokeslam! He raises his arms high while the crowd goes crazy for him and chants “one more time”. Braun challenges him for “Great Balls of Fire Pay-Per-View” in an ambulance match. MizTV with Maryse is up next. But first, a recap of Braun beating up Roman. Roman vs. Braun is announced for the PPV. Thank God the graphics crew already had GBOF-themed graphics ready for Braun.
Miz comes down and we get a recap of all of the Miz-Maryse issues over the past few weeks. He puts Maryse over here and we hear her theme for the first time on TV in ages. Miz says that the bears are hired by him and they’re the it couple of the bear community. Miz re-gifts the grandfather clock and says that all the time he spent sleeping on the couch, he spent on Youtube learning how to fix it. They go to kiss, but Dean interrupts. Dean knocks Miz’s drink into her and then he charges into Dean, who moves and Miz hits the clock. Maryse shoves him and Miz apologizes. Dean goes to hit the DDT, but Miz avoids it, but eats a lariat. The bears attack Dean and are Axel and Bo, who set Dean up for the finale.
Sheamus and Cesaro come down to face Titus and Crews. Cesaro and Sheamus bully Crews, but Titus tosses Cesaro around. Titus hits a slam and then Crews blind tags in for a moonsault for 2. Crews eats a rope-hung uppercut and a double-team White Noise and loses. Joe vs. Brock is hyped up with a recap of Joe’s career in both WWE highlights and photos of his ROH run. Brock and his stubble say that his goal is to be the best at what he does and then we see Joe choke Paul out. Brock says that Joe is a punk-ass bitch for going after Paul and we get a recap of their brawl. Joe vs. Brock is the best-built match in WWE in years.
It’s 10:48 and it’s time for yet another match – now with Sasha facing Nia. Sasha is shown beating Emma in the tag match last week and Nia comes out, still unlike most girls. Alexa comes out for commentary, and we get a break. It will be about 10:55 before the match actually starts. This show may never end. Sasha gets the shotgun knees, but Emma chases Alex down to the ring and Nia gets hit. Now Emma and Alexa are buddies again and beat up Sasha before Dana and Mickie come down and get demolished by Nia. Bayley makes a save and her hugs are better than her strikes. Nia hits some soft style shoulder strikes in the corner. This was like 20 billion goofy and/or bad things in one segment. Bayley isn’t over anymore, Alexa looked terrible, every babyface got beaten up, and the heels looked terrible too.
Booker talks about the Miss MITB match with Booker, the face, taking the side of the heel while the heel Corey takes the side of the babyfaces who were robbed on a proper winner. Kurt comes down and has a very hard time remembering his lines. Enzo does his intro and Kurt brings out suspects – with The Revival being the first ones out. Then Big Show. It’s 11:06 and every single person is getting an intro. Kurt and the Revival are in blue and black…hmm… Kurt asks if Show attacked him and Show says that he won’t attack anyone from behind – he’ll do it to their faces.
Dawson says that they’re back, but they don’t need to prove anything by attacking them from behind. Corey says that Cass saying that he was treated by the medical team was a lie – because Corey talked to them and they never treated him. Corey says that he has security footage and we see him making himself look hurt. Cass says he did it because Enzo runs his mouth all the damn day. He’s wanted to slap him and knock him out for ages, but he felt bad for Enzo because everyone in the back hates Enzo. He had enough and snapped, and he could’ve taken his head off, but he wanted to see him suffer and see if Enzo was smart enough to realize what was going on around him. Cass blames him on them never being champion and he says he’s the future and Enzo’s mouth writes checks that his ass can’t cash because Cass saved him. He boots Enzo and gets booed. That was actually a great promo – it’s a shame there’s such a clear ceiling for him on Raw. Him being on SD with the World Title go for circa 2012 would do wonders for him.
Tags: monday night raw, RAW, WWE