Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy 8. 7.2017
By Sebastian Howard
So I haven’t written anything in…. honestly, fuck if I remember. On most Raws, Smackdowns and ppvs I’ve been hanging out with friends and getting high and watching the shows while reading WWE Creative on Twitter. The way my brain works, if I’m not reviewing something new live its not really worth reviewing and its DEFINITELY not worth watching something twice for the sake of a review, especially wrestling. Anyway, my friend Momo left to a different part of Florida and my other bud Nathan can’t really get over here without Momo driving him. Also I’m moving from Florida to Califorinia to go live with my Mom over there on the 15th…. that is IF I can get my probation transferred from Florida to Cali and if I can’t I might be stuck here until I get my community service hours done and my payments paid off (y’know if you’re completely and utterly poor and end up on probation you are 100% going back to jail and probably eventually prison, dontcha LOVE the United States Legal system?). My point is that I’m going to have a little bit more free time to write so I’m going to try and get back on a semi regular writing schedule.
However I can 1000% tell you that I will NOT be here tomorrow for Smackdown as I’m going to go see Guns N Roses in Miami tomorrow…. y’know unless Axl Rose throws one of his famous fits and the show gets cancelled. On a more nerdy note I’ve recently been playing a LOT of videogames and have done some shit I’ve never done before. I JUST unlocked Shawn Michaels on No Mercy by going through Survivor Mode which is genuinely a pain in the ass, not because its super hard but because you have to eliminate like 60 guys before Shawn comes out (for those that haven’t played the game Survivor Mode is a kind of never ending Royal Rumble that constantly has participants coming out and if you eliminate a person you’re haven’t unlocked you unlock them… also you can eliminate people through pinning and submission as well as the over the top method). I FINALLY fucking beat Resident Evil 3 on Hard which is a BITCH because of the Nemesis fight at the clock tower. There’s other shit but Raws on so I’m just going to jump to it.
Tonight we’re getting Roman Reigns vs Braun Strauman in a Last Man Standing match, yes the last man standing match, which is typically, y’know, A BLOWOFF MATCH FOR A FEUD is being used to continue a feud between Reigns and Strauman! I’m not going to complain that we’re getting a good match on Raw but what the fuck man!? Expect some Joe interference at the end of the match.
Miz comes out bitching about how he wants Jason Jordan, oh c’mon Miz you know you’ve had worse promos on your show before! Remember Levell Ball? Angle comes out and says Jason’s not showing up because he has a match later tonight…. I guess Jason can’t do a promo segment and a match?… but Angle has BROCK LESNAR booked for the show! Damn yo, wasn’t expecting that, pretty good surprise. Heyman tries to talk but Miz cuts him off, saying that Lesnar is definitely going to lose the title at Summerslam because its a fatal 4 way. WHY is everyone SO sure Lesnars going to lose? Its not like champions HAVEN’T defended their titles before in fatal 4 ways. Anyway, I can pretty much already tell how this segment is going to end, Mad Men and Sons of Anarachy are going to take Germans and F5’s while Miz runs away and looks scared , Lesnars going to jump in the ring and do a douchey smile and Paul Heyman’s going to cut a promo about how scary Lesnar is. Miz says that if he was a betting man he’d bet on Reigns, Joe and Strauman. I hate to tell you this Miz but if you’re betting you have to pick on ONE person! Belive me, I would’ve won the Round table game we have running on Inside Pulse otherwise.
Heyman wants to role play (you KNOW Tommy Dreamer had some bad flashbacks) and says the Miztourage are three dudes in the triple threat at Summerslam, Lesnar takes everyone out with Germans and F5s. I don’t really get why you’d just feed Miz to Lesnar, especially considering all the great promo work he’s been doing lately but whatever. Miztourage looks really weak right now, they lost to two-thirds of the Shield in a handicapped match and just got buried by Lesnar. Its a step up for Dallas and Axl…. and I want to say a step down for the Miz but all he’s been doing for like the last nine months is feud with fucking Dean Ambrose so….
Jinder Mahal vs Shinskue Nakamura at Summerslam…. neither guy is white and neither guy can cut a decent promo. They REALLY need to put Nakamura over here because Jinder as champ is so goddamn boring and it doesn’t look like they’re going to go with the Sami Zayn/Jinder feud everyone wanted as soon as Jinder won the title.
1st Match: Seth Rollins (Crossfit Jesus) vs Sheamus w/ Cesaro
WHY are we getting this match again!? We just had it last week and Cesaro is RIGHT FUCKING THERE!!! I really doubt anyone was clamoring to see this match again…
Sheamus does a his hitting a guy on the chest thing but stops it before 10 just to fuck with the hot crowd (its Canada yo, they’re always hot). Cole mentions that Sheamus and Cesaro consider themselves The Bar and Cory Graves clarifies that they don’t mean the bar as in the place Cory likes to hang out but rather the standard for tag wrestlers. I’m assuming Cory Graves just wanted everyone to know he likes hanging out at bars. I NEED to start going to bars and getting laid but I never have the money to uber over to a nice bar, buy drinks and uber back. There’s a bar right next to my house but its like a more of a retirement home than a bar, no hot hoes there…. anyway, Seth gets distracted by Cesaro and Sheamus rolls Seth up for the win. Seth’s pissy and suicidas onto the tag champs but they double team him and take him out. Dean never came out…. I do kind of like that this story is playing out differently than one would expect but come on, you KNOW that Seth and Dean are going to team up against Cesaro/Sheamus simply because they don’t have shit to do for Summerslam… the ONLY other thing I could think of is a triple threat with the Miz but I think they’re trying to run a Miz/Jason Jordan feud. Anyway, while I like that the story is playing out in an unpredictable way the result is anything but and this comes across more as padding than anything else. I could see this playing out in one of two ways, either Seth keeps on trying to fight Sheamus/Cesaro on his own and Dean ends up helping him out or Dean just HAPPENS to get booked in a match with one of the tag champs and Seth comes out to save him finally leading to a reconciliation.
Seth runs into Dean backstage and Seths tired of Dean’s shit. Dean has Cesaro tonight…. yup, we’re going with option two here AND we’re not even waiting, the angles happening tonight. Jason Jordan comes out…. Curtis Axl’s too injured from taking like ONE F5 so Kurt books Jean Paul Levesque….. err Jean Pierre Jobber against Jordan.
2nd Match: Double J vs Jean Pierre Jobber
The crowd is very anti Jordan here…. its pretty funny that Jordan finally gets a push on Raw but the angle that caused it caused so much heat that he’s getting a negative reaction. Double J makes short work of the jobber, crowd does NOT like Jordan.
There’s a graphic for Bayley talking about how she’s injured… the pic makes her look like she was in a goddamn gangbang! Seriously, bitch looks BEAT UP! And oddly enough its probably the hottest Bayley’s looked!
I have this fantasy forced lesbian porn with Baley and Sasha as doms and Alexa Bliss as a sub…. in the locker room. Its HOT in my head yo!
Bayley comes out with her hair down in yoga pants and a sling…. Bayley looks A LOT hotter with her hair down. Fuck all women look better with their hair down, the only good thing about it being tied is hair doesn’t get in your eyes when you make out with them and it makes anal/doggy a little easier. Bayley’s all sad about not making the match for Summerslam, y’know what I’m GLAD! Not glad that she got injured of course but glad that Bayley/Bliss isn’t happening. Bliss/Banks is MONEY, that is probably the hottest, biggest drawing women match in WWE right now and if they don’t go with it after this injury Creative is fucking RETARDED! Bayley is getting booed out of the fucking building during her promo, pretty funny. Bayley says Sasha deserves the title shot, yeah ya think!? Sasha comes out and goddamn she’s hot…. I’m assuming she’s wrestling Nia Jax because WWE thinks there’s only four women wrestlers in the division. Definitely feel bad for Dana Brooke, Mickie James and Emma…. especially Emma. I mean she’s hot, a good worker and has a gimmick that could get over easily. Instead she’s just fodder for Nia Jax, fucking lame.
3rd Match: Sasha Banks vs Alica (GNOME) Fox vs Emma
Alexa Bliss comes out for commentary, she is SO goddamn hot. Just got a shitty tracphone and put her as the background of it in one of her hotter photos… her in pink little shorts that say Eye Candy, emmm goddamn.
Emma does a pretty sick spot to Sasha on the outside back suplexing her onto the apron. Alica Fox with a Northern Lights Suplex to Emma for two. Banks back in wth a big boot to Emma…. Booker says the women are letting it all hang out tonight. I don’t see any pussy slips ala Lana. Emma gets a VERY near fall and the crowd popped huge when they thought she won. Banks hits Alica with a Banks Statement, Emma comes back in and rolls up Sasha for another close fall but Banks reverses into another Banks Statement for the win. Cory asks Alexa if she’s impressed with Banks and Bliss gives Cory the PISSIEST look, its actually pretty funny. Well I’m happy that they’re doing Banks/Alexa at Summerslam…. I genuinely think there’s not a lot I WOULDN’T do to bang either Bliss or Sasha. Kill a guy? I got it. Jump into a pit full of needles? Done. What would YOU do for Klondike Bar?
Strauman says when he’s around the big dog is nothing but a little puppy and the crowd pops huge. Gotta love it, Roman Reigns the biggest heel in the business.
Commercials, a man is dying of bee attacks in a Popeyes commercial but its okay because he’s an intern.
A replay from last week reminding us that the MAIN EVENT was Big Cass vs Big Show. Shit like this is causing people to wonder if Raw has just given up on the last hour. If Regins/Strauman is at 10:00 tonight they’re probably right. Enzo comes out, does his spiel, Big Show comes out.. they start cutting a promo about last week when Gallows and Anderson come out. Soooooo…. are they teaming up Big Show and Enzo? Ugh, poor Big Show. I mean sure Enzo gets a crowd response but Big Show’s over no matter what because he’s the fucking Big Show. This is just something for Enzo to do because they don’t want to push him as a singles wrestler. Enzo calls Gallows and Anderson Dr. Evil and Mini Me because Austin Powers references are SO hip…. match is started.
4th Match: Big Show and Enzo vs Gallows and Anderson
Big Show throws both guys right into a commercial.
You know my GNR tickets are set for 6:00 pm but I KNOW GNR are known for always being late so they’re probably not going to be there till like 6:45-7:00.
Cass comes out and distracts Big Show…. Big Show gets taken out somehow (I looked away from the tv and don’t care enough to rewind) Enzo fought out of a magic killer but still ate a roll up from Anderson to end the match. Cass beats up Show and Cass…. but its ONLY 9:23!? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO FILL AN HOUR AND A HALF WHEN YOU’VE ALREADY HAD BIG SHOW AND BIG CASS!??? Cass chases Enzo around and runs right into the big ko fist by the Big Show. Y’know I really want this feud to end BUT where the fuck is Cass going to go from here? Feud with Finn Balor? Who the fuck wants to see that!? Speak of the devil…. replay of last week of Finn Balor being super spooky against Bray. I’m just hoping that at Summerslam we get one of those super gay Demon entrances where Finn Balor humps the ramp for ten minutes and Bray Wyatt acts super scared.
Balor comes out while Booker T talks about DIS BIZNESS ITS HARD TO BE CHAMPION IN DIS BIZNESS DWAG!!!! I love Booker T. Crowd chants Too Sweet and Balor nerdily says yeah too sweet. Jesus dude…. if you’re going to use too sweet shit watch some Nash tapes or something. Bray shows up in the middle of the ring, Balor buries the fuck out of Wyatt… lights go out and Bray dissapears and shows up on a prerecorded segment on the titantron. OH I’M SO INTIMIDATED BY YOU BRAY, YOU GOT YOUR ASS KICKED AND THEN RAN AWAY!!! What is he going to do next week, suck Finn Balor’s dick and leave without asking for a kiss?
5th Match: Cesaro w/ Sheamus vs Ambrose
Okay this match has been decent but I was distracted talking to some black chick on disqus about why the wage gap is bullshit and why women AREN’T discriminated against in the workplace and yada yada yada. Anyway….
Ambrose goes for a suicida but Cesaro cuts him off with an European uppercut. Cesaro pulls Ambrose up for a superplex…. there was already a superplex spot earlier and I really doubt they’re trying to do two… and yip, Ambrose fights out of it and rolls Cesaro up for two. I’m not sure if Sheamus looks cool or goofy in with his Mohawk and sunglasses. Cesaro uppercuts the fuck out of Ambrose, big boots him but Ambrose rolls back with his rebound clothesline in one of the more natural looking rebound clothesline spots in a while. Ambrose gets distracted by Sheamus and Cesaro locks a sharpshooter on Ambrose. After a lengthy time in the hold Ambrose gets the ropes…. Cesaro slaps Ambrose a couple times. Ambrose backdrops Cesaro too the outside. Ambrose with a standing elbowdrop to the outside to Cesaro. This is definitely match of the night so far.
Back in, Ambrose goes to the top, gets distracted by Sheamus but Ambrose reverses a rollup into another rollup for the win. Sheamus and Cesaro doubleteam Ambrose and Seth IMMEDIATELY comes out and saves Ambrose. I SWEAR TO GOD IF AMBROSE ISN’T GRATEFUL SETH SHOULD HIT HIM WITH A PEDIGREE! Crowd is HOT here yessing like crazy……………………………………………………………… Ambrose and Seth gaze lovingly at each other for a while………. and Ambrose extends his hand for the Shield thing….. and Seth says NO! Damn yo! Wasn’t expecting that. Seth’s just playing hard to get, its like when you try to bang a chick for forever and she finally wants to hang out but you’re like nah, I have better shit to do because you’re tired of dealing with her shit but you still plan on hitting it later. Basically Seth knows he has Dean Ambrose as a bootycall and can ignore him until he feels like getting laid.
Match was good though, 3.5/5.0 Best Ambrose match in a WHILE, Ambrose and Cesaro just beat the shit out of each other and I liked the story of Ambrose having to fight through two guys basically to overcome the odds. I do think its kind of fucked though that Sheamus got to win and Cesaro got to lose though of COURSE Cesaro had the better match.
Crusierweight shit… I like that they’ve stopped changing to the purple ropes every time a match happens. It makes the matches feel like more of an extension of the show rather than something separate entirely. I also like the whole Akira Tozwa w/ Titus O Neil. Pairing them up was a good idea as Towza gets the crowd hot but can’t cut a promo and Titus is good on the mic and has a decent charisma to him. Not exactly happy that Aries left though I feel like they should have either given him the title OR just taken him out of the 205 live divison altogether. Neville’s a good champ but I think they should branch the crusierweight wrestlers out of wrestling just cruiserweight wrestlers. In WCW the crusierweights didn’t JUST wrestle other crusierweight guys and they actually went for and won other titles.
6th Match: Akira Towza w/ Titus O Neil (on commentary) vs Davari
Cole and Graves are IN LOVE with Titus, Booker doesn’t really care which makes it funnier when Titus ONLY gives Booker a Titus O Neil shirt. Towza with a suicide dive, back in the ring for a two count. Towza with a back suplex, to the top with a senton for the win. Crowd didn’t care, were chanting for CM Punk. Why did they bury Davari that hard? This guy was just a possible contender a week ago and now he’s a total jobber? This is not how you build up credible competition for the crusierweight title or make people want to watch 205 live.
Roman Reigns cuts a promo backstage, what he says isn’t important, what IS is the SERIOUS crowd heat he gets.
7th Match: Mickie James vs Dana Brooke vs Nia Jax
Yeah Nia’s going over here leading to another Nia/Sasha match next week. Eh.
That NXT Takeover show might be pretty important, two title changes are definitely plausible in Ember Moon/Askua and Rhoode/Mcintyre.
Mickie James is older but goddamn, I’d still eat out that booty yo. Nia Jax won, big shocker there.
Main Event: Braun Strauman vs Roman Reigns Last Man Standing
Joe interference here is pretty much a given considering he’s been off the show all night. Fuck it, I like Reign’s entrance. Whenever he enters it feels like a big deal. Strauman breaks out during Regins entrance, throws him in the ring throws him arond the ring like a rag doll. Roman tries to come back but Braun shoulderblocks him right into a commercial….
match has been all Strauman so far and very slow paced which of course means Reigns is going to make a big comeback in three minutes or so.
Back from commercial, Strauman throws the steps in the ring. Reigns starts coming back a minute earlier than I predicted. Reigns with two big boots but Strauman won’t fall down. Reigns picks up the steps to major boos. Rams Strauman with the stairs….. Strauman falls to his feet AND THE REF STARTS COUNTING!??? WHAT THE FUCK!??? He has to be down dumbass!!! Reigns just MURDERS Strauman with the steps but only gets a five count. Reigns goes for a superman punch but gets caught in a bearhug…. Reigns eats the post and Strauman hits him with a…. fuck if I know. He got eight off it. The Refs counting pretty fast. Struaman lifts Reigns up for something but Reigns hits a midair Superman Punch. Reigns sets up for another Superman Punch but in a pretty cool spot Braun puts his feet up. To the outside and Reigns hits that double boot on the apron spot into the steps. Braun’s on his feet AND THE REF IS COUNTING AGAIN!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!??? Crwod chants we want tables and Reigns pulls them out….. crowd is confused. Reigns goes for another drive by but eats a punch. Regins puts Strauman through a table with a Samoan Drop. Both men are up at eight.
Reigns went for a spear but Strauman hit Reigns with the padded chair which Cole WAYYY oversells it. Dude, its a LEATHER FUCKING CHAIR CHILL OUT!!!! Crwod brawling and they reach the announce table. Regins with a driveby on the ramp. Cole is yelling IS THIS THE END WILL THIS BE THE TRIUMPH FOR ROMAN REIGNS as Strauman is getting up at 2. Fucking Cole took adderal or something today because he’s selling these spots like he’s seeing Cactus Jack/Terry Funk in the exploding Deathmatch shit. Strauman sets up the table, Strauman goes for a Razor’s Edge through the table but Regins fights out, two Superman Punches and he goes for a spear but Strauman puts his boot up. Regins basically no sells it and hits another spear. I swear to God Reigns has the fastest momentum fillup ever. Reigns has the match won but Joe from the crowd puts the Kokita Clutc on Regins and puts him to sleep. Crowd chants thank you Joe. This crowd, which has been loud as fuck all night, is curiously muted here. Me thinks that someones turning down the mic. Strauman gets up and wins the match.
3.5/5.0 Decent match but it was pretty tame for a last man standing. Nothing brutal really happened, there weren’t any really big spots it was just a decent no dq brawl between Reigns and Strauman. Cole’s overselling was pretty obnoxious but I get why he was doing it as he knew nothing was really going to happen. I get that they weren’t trying to make this the brutal blow off because they wanted to keep this feud going BUT WHY MAKE THIS A LAST MAN STANDING in the first place if you aren’t going to make it a brutal badass violent match!? Braun and Roman have had more violent matches and this just felt so…. tame in comparison to like Braun beating the shit out of Roman with steel steps or Roman trying to kill Braun with an ambulance.
Final Thoughts: Decent Raw, better then lately but the show still drags hardcore at 3 hours. Cesaro/Ambrose and Reigns/Strauman were pretty good but everything else pretty much felt like filler except for maybe the Banks triple threat.
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