Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy: WWE Monday Night Raw Review

Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy 9.4.17
By Sebastian Howard

And it’s one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn,
Next stop is Vietnam;
And it’s five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain’t no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we’re all gonna die.

Well, come on generals, let’s move fast;
Your big chance has come at last.
Now you can go out and get those reds
‘Cause the only good commie is the one that’s dead
And you know that peace can only be won
When we’ve blown ’em all to kingdom come.

And it’s one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn,
Next stop is Vietnam;
And it’s five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain’t no time to wonder why
Whoopee! we’re all gonna die.

Come on Wall Street, don’t be slow,
Why man, this is war au-go-go
There’s plenty good money to be made
By supplying the Army with the tools of its trade,
But just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb,
They drop it on the Viet Cong.

-Country Joe And The Fish Feel like I’m Fixing to Die Rag

When watching the news lately this is the only thing that I could think of, WHOOPE WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! Trump’s prodding Kim Jon Un with a stick like Steve Irwin did with gators before he met his end at the tail of a stingray… Kim Jong Un is getting pissed and doing pretty much whatever the fuck he wants sending missiles over China. When Trump was asked if he was going to bomb North Korea he said, “We’ll see,” and then quickly walked off. Trump is also trying to send small illegal children back to Mexico by getting rid of Obama’s DACA program which Republicans and Democrats are mostly disgusted by. After the huge Hurricane in Texas there’s another hurricane heading for Florida which means I’m going to miss that bitch by a hare as I just moved. So overall it seems like the end of the world and I can’t think of a better song to sum up the national attitude right now in Northern America. Things are NOT good right now and just seem to be getting worse everyday that fucking TV Show Host Clown is in office and I think that we have a seriously REAL possibility of having a nuclear war as Trump’s an egotist who can’t keep his mouth shut and Un is legitimately fucking INSANE!

But enough about the supposed end of the world, let’s talk about whats really important… ME! I just moved to South Lake Tahoe five days ago and GODDAMN this place is Northern. I grew up in Oregon and Washington but I moved to Florida when I was 10 or 11 and the only North I’ve seen since was the three months I lived in Wenatchee with my Dad doing lawncare with him. So coming up here is a bit of a shock, living in a wood house that doesn’t seem to far removed from one of the big cabins in the Friday the 13th films. My main gripe with Tahoe is this, probation or my probation officer, from what I’ve heard from my sister’s friend Michelle, who’s sister had the same probation officer I have now, she says she’s up your ass really hard and will wake you up at like six in the morning to search your house. There’s a couple problems with this, the main one being that my mom and sister both smoke weed but what really irks me about this is that it shows how much the legal system is really all about money. Weed is LEGAL in Tahoe yet if I fail a drug test for it I will go directly to jail and have to restart my probation all over again and probably get kicked back to Florida as I’m on Interstate Compact. I know that a lot of people will be like oh you deserve it you’re on probation, yada yada but the whole POINT of probation is SUPPOSED to be that you’re rehabilitating yourself, staying out of trouble and giving back to the community…. but its all bullshit because all the legal system is REALLY about is arresting people as much as possible and making a quick buck.

If you’re poor, like totally poor you will just constantly keep on you’ll just keep on going back to jail over and over again if you can’t pay for court fines, probation fines, fines for classes… whatever. I don’t know, as far as drugs go…. I could get away with passing drug tests in Florida pretty easily as I only got tested once a month and knew when it was going to happen so I just wouldn’t smoke 3-5 days before the drug test and drink water and I’d be straight but if this probation officer is fucking INSANE and is going to be testing me at the house I don’t think its worth the risk of having to restart probation or even the constant anxiety. Right now I need to juggle looking for work with looking for a place to do community service at which isn’t going to be easy as I’m mostly going to have to rely on public transportation to get anywhere. Got probably sixty hours left but if I can finish them off I can probably go half in with my Grandma, pay off my fines and get off this BULLSHIT ass system where your freedoms are stripped “legally” because its a “privilege” to get probation even though the alternative is MOTHERFUCKING JAIL OR PRISON!!! God I hate the legal system so fucking much….. I wish I could just go back in time and tell my younger self, “Aye, there’s going to be this kid Connor White and he’s going to break into his neighbor’s house to steal a bottle of liquor, DO NOT AGREE TO BE THE LOOKOUT FOR THAT!!!!” Taking a shotgun down to the local legislators definitely seems like a fun idea at times….

I’m ranting a bit here…. had a few beers and seeing how it works with writing. Guess I’m going to find out. As for the rest of my experience over here its been cool, been hanging out with my sister and her friends, smoked a little the second day I got over here just because I know I’m not setting up an appointment to see my po until tomorrow so I’ve had a good 5 days to get everything out of my system. Did a little bit of work for my Mom’s BF Brian, painted a room. Got paid 20 bucks and got dinner…. some beer too. Went to the bar by here, the Classic Cue… didn’t pick up any hoes but DID talk to a guy named Geraldo, the same thing practically. It was dead as it was a sunday, apparently there’s more chicks over there today because there’s a one dollar deal on beers but I only had ten bucks left over and I like to tip the bartender 3-5 bucks…. also I mean Raw’s on tonight, no way I’m leaving the house on a Monday. And that’s pretty much it really, kind of lonely over here just because I’m used to having a lot of friends to hang out with that I can call over whenever and do acid or smoke with but over here I’m new and know nobody yet so I’ve mostly just been hanging out with my dog Bo and my cat Iggy (fat bastard keeps on pissing in my room). Y’know the obnoxious thing about living up North and being a fan of Raw is that its not live at that point, it happened at 8:00 down south which is like 5:30 over here but it doesn’t air over here till 8:00 so it loses a bit of that live appeal to it. Might as well jump into wrestling on that note….

The Cena/Reigns arguement

I think what was interesting about the promo between Cena and Reigns is that Cena has been the whipping boy for the IWC for years, ever since he did the US Open and started incorporating more moves and having quality matches with midcarders and giving them a bit of exposure it lessened a bit but its still prevalent, even today. With the US Championship deal its like, yeah Cena you did make some talent look good but at the end of the day you still went over and on the rare occasion that you did lose, like with Kevin Owens, you immediately got your win back at the next PPV or Network Special or whatever the fuck they call it. And its not exactly like Cena hasn’t done shit to ruffle the collar of the IWC as of late, I mean he BEAT AJ STYLES ending probably the best title run we’ve had in a while, tied RIC FUCKING FLAIR’S RECORD only to immediately lose the title at Elimination Chamber and then he buried the Miz at Mania and proposed to Nikki in the middle of the ring. Cena still does obnoxious shit BUT I think the IWC has softened on him a lot for two major reasons.

A) He’s not pushed down your throat as much, possibly due to him being somewhat of a part timer right now. Reigns is pushed down your throat SO FUCKING HARD on every Raw and Raw PPV while Cena just kind of comes in, does his thing, is pushed hard for a second and then is gone again. Its a lot more acceptable to people then back in the day when Cena was super dominant over everyone and could never lose a match clean.

B) The second major reason Cena’s more acceptable is that he’s shown improvement in the ring and on the mic since 2014. His promos are damned good and even if its not REALLY Cena talking when he talks about why he doesn’t want to turn heel and why he’s still doing this it still FEELS authentic and true to the character that we’ve had for a while. Cena is also usually pretty decent in the ring right now, he can have great matches with great wrestlers and can carry mediocre wrestlers to decent, three stars-three and half stars quality (most of the time anyway). Cena’s still formula for sure but he’s tweaked it enough for it to not feel old hat in 2017 and I think that’s impressive.

Cena feels like substance to me, there’s definitely style there but Cena backs it up with good quality matches and intense, visceral promos. Reigns on the other hand is mostly all style. He can’t cut a promo to save his life, he doesn’t even have the complexity of Cena with the five moves of mediocrity, Reigns five moves is just Superman Punch three or four times and then a spear or two. Reigns feels SO manufactured and forced BUT there is a certain something to Reigns. He can have good matches with the right talent, he has a certain coolness to him and everything he does feels like a big deal…. which isn’t always the case with someone who’s a main eventer or an ex main eventer (I’m looking at you Jinder Mahal and Dean Ambrose). To me it feels that Cena makes sense as a face, he has a legitimate reason to want to be face ala all the fans that love him and look up to him…. Reigns ONLY reason to be face is because Vince wants him too. PERIOD! Reigns is a PERFECT HEEL and forcing him as a face makes about as much sense as forcing Nash as a face in the mid 90s (remember all the stupid fake ass smiling he did before he turned tweener?). WWE has shown time and time again that they don’t listen to criticism from even the most intelligent and well written of writers so they’re not going to start listening now but when your last generation guy is telling your new generation guy that he’s not cutting it, that he’s not doing what the WWE expected of him, that he’s overhpyed and overrated and is basically a hand picked poorly done carbon copy AND THE INTERNET AGREES WITH JOHN FUCKING CENA to the point where they’re like thank you for saying this, you might just have a problem with “The Guy.”

On to Raw now:

Raw 9.4.17

Recap of the Cena/Reigns segment. Makes sense as it was the biggest story of the week, think its cute that they edited out Reigns flub and Cena burying Reigns for not being able to cut a promo. They also edited out the Club coming out after the segment which is pretty funny, sorry Gallows and Anderson, you don’t matter enough to even make the highlight package!

Cena comes out and then…. Jason Jordan comes out? Really? Random recap package of Cena’s first match with Angle that happened 15 years ago. Yes, 15 years ago Cena wrestled Jason Jordan’s fake Dad…. FEEL THE TENSION!!!

1st Match: John Cena vs Jason Jordan

I kind of like that they’re throwing Jason Jordan in there with Cena, I mean it shows that they don’t actually have anything for Jordan to do but at least a match with Cena is high profile. Jordan’s doing some very boring mat wrestling, just keeping Cena in a waisttlock for what feels like five minutes. Crowd is DEAD. C’mon boys, lets get this match rolling a bit. To quote Booker, Cena hits Jason right in the SNOUT!!! “HE’S TAKING IT TO THE HOOD DWAG!!! HE KNOWS ABOUT THAT SHAKESPEARE, MAKING WHAT WORKS WORK!!!” I feel like if Booker was a columnist he’d get a huge amount of viewers (by God he could SAVE Inside Pulse) and people would be wondering what the actual fuck he was on. I mean they do that anyway but there’s a difference between hearing him say some dumb shit and then actually seeing it all typed out.

Pretty cool spot where Jason flips out of an stf into a crossface, Cena fights out but Jason hits him with two rolling northern lights suplexes for a two count. This is DEFINITELY helping Jason more than anything else he’s done thus far, as a singles anyway on Raw. Cena rolls out of backdrop and hits an FU for the win. Decent match and like I said this definitely helped Jordan more than anything else he’s done thus far. And…. Roman Reigns comes out. Well that’s kind of a heel move…. AND WE CUT TO COMMERCIAL!!! What the fuck…. are Reigns and Cena just going to stare at each other and make smirky faces for five minutes?

We’re back from commercial and Reigns just buries Jason Jordan saying he would’ve beaten him quicker. He’s basically just saying HOW DARE YOU HAVE A GOOD MATCH WITH JASON JORDAN!!!! Regins calls Cena a bitch… Cena tells Reigns he’s stupid, Cena’s insults seem so much more hurtful whereas Reigns just seems like he’s trying to come up with shit to say. Cena’s insults seem pointed while Reigns insults just seem generic. Cena talks about guys like Jason Jordan and the Miz who have to work their asses off to earn their spot and Cena respects them while Reigns just has it made. This speech seems so weird coming from CENA BUT at the same time its like YES SOMEONE’S SAYING IT TO REIGNS!!!! Reigns tries to goad Cena into a fight but Cena won’t do it…. why you might ask? Well to quote Liz from And you call yourself a scientist, IITS or its in the script. I mean really, Cena is ALWAYS down to fight anyone so it makes NO sense that he’s begging down from someone he probably DOESN’T respect in Reigns. You have to keep a certain level of character consistency and Cena’s NEVER been the guy to not wrestle until the ppv, he wants to fight RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW TONIGHT but Roman’s SO protected AND they don’t want to give you even a little taste of Cena/Reigns so nothing happens even though it makes no sense from a character perspective.

Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose come out for commentary for this amazing next match…..

2nd Match: Sheamus and Cesaro vs Two Jobbers (Heath Slater and Rhyno who didn’t even get entrances)

With Ambrose and Rollins… I’m totally expecting Ambrose to turn on Rollins at some point. Rhyno makes a decent comeback here almost winning but getting his pinfall broken up by Cesaro…. Sheamus BRO kicks him for the win…. what was the point of that? In fact, what is the point of turning Slater and Rhyno, former tag team champions who are both entertaining and work well as a tag team into glorified jobbers? Fucking Raw man… you KNOW those guys are missing Smackdown. Then again with Raw you’re on TV for five seconds and get a decent paycheck so who knows.

Booker T tells Houston to stay strong. Cut to Rene Young…. she looks way better with her hair down as evidenced in the new Southpaw videos. Hardys have an interview, Jeff and Matt are both on drugs and Jeff says some shit about how he doesn’t tell his daughter to give up…. I feel like whenever I’m listening to Jeff talk it’s like talking to some drunk dude at a bar.

3rd Match: Jeff Hardy w/ Matt Hardy vs Miz w/ Friends

New Blade Runner looks pretty cool.

Digging Marayse’s hair. Jeff with a whisper in the wind that not only missed by a mile but Miz sold it like two seconds after it happened. Miz’s Friends interfere which leads to the Ref throwing everyone out…. Miz with the D Bry (in my FAV FIVE) kicks, Jeff ducks under, kicks Miz into the corner and hits that double stomp deal for two. Miz rolls to the outside, Jeff goes for something but Miz catches him with a clothesline to the legs and Jeff takes a pretty sick bump to the floor. Back in the ring and Miz goes into a Figure Four…. Jeff gets to the ropes keeping up the deal where if you’re a heel you can never EVER win anything with the figure four. Jeff comes back with his stunner twist of fate thing for two as Miz gets his foot on the rope. Miz rolls to the outside and Jeff hits him with potery in motion off the steps in a pretty cool spot. Jeff goes for the swanton…. just realized Marayse was still at ringside. Miz rolls out of the way of a swanton…. Jeff goes for another Twist of Fate but Miz reverses into an SCF for the win.

3.5/5.0 Very good match here and I really, REALLY liked that Miz went over completely clean here. Jeff looked good here and showed that he can work a match as good as he could in 2008. Wondering what they do from here though, I mean Miz went over clean so there’s no reason to do a rematch at the ppv.

Recap of Sasha looking like a TOTAL PUSSY and losing her title defense match against Bliss. Jax turned on Bliss…. wasn’t really as brutal as Evolution beating up Randy but whatever, it works to set up Bliss vs Jax…. AND AS I WRITE THAT THE NEXT WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH AT NO MERCY IS SASHA VS BLISS!??? WHY GOD DAMMIT!??? I think Alexa/Sasha is the hottest thing they could do with the women’s division but if they really go with a singles match between them again its a waste of time because its OBVIOUS that Alexa’s going to win and Sasha’s just going to keep on looking like a joke. Segment backstage where Nia and Emma are put into a tag match against Sasha and Bliss, if they win they get put into the match and it becomes a fatal four way. Well lets hope Jax and Emma win because otherwise Sasha’s going to look like a little BITCH…. AGAIN!

Okay I have to ask… WHY are we having Strauman against Big Show in a steel cage as the main event? These fuckers haven’t even INTERACTED since like…. what last year? Whenever the fuck they had that big deal with the ring exploding, its just hilarious that Vince will sit there and say that he refuses to do wrestling for wrestling’s sake and everything has a story YET THERE’S ABSOULTELY NO STORY BETWEEN STRAUMAN AND BIG SHOW OTHER THAN OH THEY’VE WRESTLED BEFORE!!! Oh and they’re big!

Enzo Amore with some 205 live dudes starts cutting a promo… yeah I’m blowing this off.

I will say this much, Enzo DOES get the crowd into 205 matches which is something the division desperately needs and is why a lot of people wanted him to go into the division.

Sasha Banks and Alexa Bliss are backstage in a locker room……. my God, my forced lesbian porn fantasy is JUST LIKE THIS!!! Sasha tells Alexa she’s going to make her scream…. I’m disappointed that I’m NOT hard right now.

Yes, they’re ACTUALLY giving that fucking DOUCHE Chrisley ANOTHER goddamn show and get this, its on tuesdays so you’re going to probably going to bombarded with advertisements and clips about it on Smackdown. WHO THE FUCK WATCHES CHRISLEY KNOWS BEST!???? I genuinely want to know who their target audience is…. I’m assuming its gays and old ladies who have really bad taste. Oh wait a second…. NO WONDER ITS ON AFTER RAW AND SMACKDOWN!!!

Finn Balor comes out…. is super duper sad that he didn’t get a shot at the IC Title (SURE YOU ARE) and is trying to sell this feud with Bray even after he mentions that he already beat Bray at Summerslam. Bray comes on the titantron and cuts one of his promos that no one cares about and that doesn’t mean anything. Bray says that Finn can’t beat him without the Demon…. even though the Demon DOESN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT FROM BALOR!!! Balor accepts…. more promo, Bray says to run…. I need a drink, Jesus. And the worst part is that I’m ALREADY DRINKING!!!

5th Match: Alexa Bliss and Sasha Banks vs Emma and Nia Jax

I HAVEN’T SEEN WACKY TAG PARTNERS WHO CAN’T GET ALONG IN A WHOLE WEEK!!!

Emma and Sasha are in the ring… feel like you could definitely do something with that pairing. Really obnoxious how the commentators just bury Emma, C’MON CORY I KNOW YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT!!! Emma does a pretty cool kind of full nelson…. its a rest hold but its unique looking. Sasha with a tag to Alexa…. stuffs happening but I’m just distracted by Alexa’s and Sasha’s asses…. Sasha and Alexa do a double suplex to Emma. Alexa and Sasha are keeping Emma from getting a hot tag to Jax which is BIZZARE because its like Emma and Jax are heels but they’re booking this like they’re faces. I guess Jax turning on Alexa could’ve turned her face. Jax gets in, Alexa slaps Jax in the face and then screams in terror in a pretty good bit. Jax throws Alexa around… Alexa tries to come back and almost hits her finisher but Nia reverses with a soman drop for two as Banks breaks it up.

Alexa tags in Sasha, Sasha hits a shining wizard for two. Sasha with a Bank Statement, Jax throws her off, hits a legdrop. Emma with a tag and gets the pin off the legdrop. Definitely like that Emma got a win here, she deserves it…. and Jax hits her with a Samon Drop. So are they trying to turn Jax into a kind of Stone Cold or Randy Orton of the women’s divison where she just hits everyone with her finisher from ABSOLUTELY OUT OF NOWHERE!?? Decent match though, the booking was kind of weird with the reverse face/heel alignments (and I think this is kind of a problem that Raw has right now with Bayley out where they don’t have enough women faces) but it made sense from a story and character perspective in that neither Alexa or Sasha wanted to let Nia get in because they didn’t know if they could take her and Emma taking the win for attention as well as Nia turning on Emma all make sense and play into their characters and the dynamic for No Mercy. Also glad that they’re going with the 4 way at No Mercy instead of another Bliss/Sasha which would have a predictable finish and just be an uninteresting if solid match.

6th Match: The Jobber Club( Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson) vs Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose

Cute sign that says Festus > Luke, I mean Festus DID main event Smackdown against the Undertaker so… Wouldn’t mind seeing Ambrose against Gallows in a singles match.

Cool spot during the commercial where Ambrose goes for a bulldog on Gallows but Anderson tags himself in and hits Ambrose with a clothesline. Gallows and Anderson are doing a couple cool things in this match and this is definitely the best they’ve looked in a while BUT they’ve just looked like such a joke and like jobbers for so long that its hard to take them serisouly as a threat to just about any other tag team or even non tag teams. I mean really, when was the last time Gallows and Anderson actually WON a fucking match?

Seth with a hot tag, ball of fire here, Seth with a big hurricanrana off the top rope…. Sheamus and Cesaro distract Seth and Ambrose but it doesn’t matter as Seth rolls up Anderson for the win. This leads to a brawl between Gallows and Anderson and Sheamus/Cesaro WHERE GALLOWS AND ANDERSON LOOK LIKE EVEN BIGGER BITCHES AS THEY GET BEAT UP AGAIN!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WHO IS BOOKING THIS SHIT!???? WHY ARE THE ONLY TWO TAG TEAMS THAT MATTER THE ONES FEUDING FOR THE TITLES!???? WHY ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE A TAG TEAM AS GOOD AS GALLOWS AND ANDERSON LOOK LIKE TOTAL PUSSIES!??? I do NOT fucking get it! This is SUCH short sighted booking, like Creative DOES know that eventually they’re going to have to do something other than Cesaro/Sheamus vs Rollins and Ambrose right!? Or are we just going to get this fucking rivalry for six months or whatever until the Revival comes back!? You KNOW Gallows and Anderson can’t be happy about this awful ass booking but in modern WWE you can’t even bitch about it or you end like Emma getting humiliated every single week and buried by the commentators. Modern WWE is just kind of like BE HAPPY WITH YOUR SPOT DAMMIT AND DON’T TRY TO REACH FOR ANYTHING HIGHER BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT YOU TO and its BULLSHIT!

Main Event:Steel Cage Big Show vs Braun Strauman

God I forgot how exhausted writing makes you, it will make you more tired than fucking a bitch or working out or just working. Legit tired and considering sleeping instead of finishing this up…. should’ve bought some Wild Turkey and some speed… gone all H S Thompson on this bitch.

I’m sure that the Mae Young Classics are good or whatever but I just do NOT care. When you have a bunch of chicks that you haven’t introduced in any meaningful way other than they’re good at wrestling and they’re probably going to end up with the NXT Women’s Championship I just don’t care.

Strauman starts off the match by backing Show into the cage and splashing him a couple times but then runs right into a fist, Big Show and Strauman laydown to take a nap during the COMMERCIALS!

GODDAMN IT DID I JUST SEE CHRIS JERICHO ON THAT STUPID ASS CHRISLEY TALK SHOW!???

So yeah, Big Show and Strauman have just been napping the whole time during commercial. In a pretty cool spot Show does a diving elbow drop off the top rope for a two count. Booker actually had some good commentary here as he says that when Big Show was starting off his career he had the elbow drop as a finisher! I’m a serious wrestling nerd and I didn’t even know that.

And I ended up passing out during the commercial, bizarre, I can’t even remember the last time I’ve passed out during a live Raw or Smackdown regardless of how drunk or stoned or zonked I was. These three hours show take a lot out of you man…

Basically Strauaman won with a powerslam and then sent Show through the cage to end the show.

Final Thoughts: I like that Strauman continues to look like a beast leading up to No Mercy even though its fairly obvious that he’s going to lose the match to Lesnar but I feel it will be a Samoa Joe deal where he still looks credible at the end of the day instead of just getting squashed. They’re keeping Cena/Reigns hot regardless of my bitching that the booking tonight didn’t may any goddamn sense. As for the rest of the show it was pretty goddamn meh, Miz/Jeff Hardy was actually pretty good and Miz got to beat someone clean as a sheet but other than that…. you had a decent women’s tag match that made sense from the perspective of the characters and led to a four way but at the end of the day Sasha and Emma continue to look like they don’t actually deserve to be in the title picture. WWE continues its short as fuck sighted booking by burying every tag team that’s not feuding for the tag titles at the moment and that’s about it really. Decent Raw, few good matches but the Strauman/Show match came out of nowhere and to me when you have a main event that random its kind of hard to get that into the show, though it did deliver as they always do. In short, Raw had a few good matches tonight with a good main event but nothing truly mind blowing and a lot of questionable booking decisions. I definitely AM excited for No Mercy though.

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