Spain’s SmackDown Report and Review for May 29th 2018: A Quickie

Apologies: it’s been an abnormally busy week, what with conferences, supervisory meetings and this weird looming thing that looks rather like a massive deadline, so this installment of the SmackDown Report is going to be a fairly brief commentary on the events of Tuesday night, which I am watching whilst trying to work out whether I’m too tired to make myself a cocktail.

Back to normal next week, and thanks for your understanding. Here we go.

  1. Samoa Joe doesn’t give a damn when he’s supposed to show up. Samoa Joe does what he wants.
  2. How many times do you reckon we’re going to see dudes climb a ladder and grab a briefcase over the next few weeks?
  3. Also, I get that the contract’s not in the briefcase now, but what do you think is? Giant vibrator? I’d love it to be a giant vibrator. I’d love this whole promo to be a distraction so Joe can get his gal that a giant vibrator she’s been hasslin’ him for.
  4. Samoa Joe talking about Old Testament Christianity whilst not wearing a shirt is not something I knew I needed in my life until now.
  5. I’m constantly surprised at how well-spoken Joe is. It sounds elitist as hell, but you don’t expect a guy who does this for a living to express themselves that deftly.
  6. You don’t talk trash about a man’s family. Unless you’re Randy Orton, who beats up and sexually assaults them.
  7. I’d love to get through a single SmackDown without a fat joke.
  8. Big Cass looks like a recovering alcoholic who found Jesus a month ago and just will not let you forget about it.
  9. I was really hoping that Bryan and Joe would form an uneasy alliance based upon the need to cripple Big Cass again.
  10. Shinsuke Nakamura’s stealing the Count’s gimmick and I won’t have it.
  11. You know motherfucker’s got so many more of those numbered pages.
  12. I know there’ll probably be shenanigans to prevent a title change, but putting the belt on Ronda Rousey right now sounds so absurdly stupid that it’s almost a given WWE are going to do it.
  13. Paige’s accent makes my brain try and beat itself to death on the inside of my skull.
  14. I don’t know why Paige is trying to make the guys look like dicks for not doing things her way when Teddy Long would have been shutting that shit down well before anyone got hurt. This is your house, Paige: get it in order.
  15. “Whoever wins that contract, it’s going to change their life forever”. You can hear Baron Corbin murdering a jobber from here.
  16. Thematic changes to entrance music are not done anywhere near enough, and Shinsuke’s is a grand example of how well it can work.
  17. Poor Tye Dillinger. This is his whole life now.
  18. Scratch that: Tye Dillinger used the poop emoji, so he can fucking burn.
  19. Dillinger hitting someone eleven times would be the biggest swerve of the decade.
  20. The lack of low blows is really taking me out of this whole thing.
  21. Tye needs to up his psychological games and start pretending that is a ladder match.
  22. Alright, Tye showing the “10” sign and then doing Nakamura’s taunt was really cool.
  23. Glad Nakamura didn’t count to ten before going for the cover; that would have been Triple H vs. Booker T levels of burial.
  24. I need Aiden, Rusev and Lana to hang out and be friends together forever. No break-up, just sitcom shenanigans.
  25. I’m not exactly enthused about a dance-off, but it’s a hell of a long way from a swimsuit contest and I think we can all be thankful for that.
  26. So winning the WrestleMania Women’s Battle Royal really nets you jack, huh?
  27. I mean, it was dancing. And it’s a hell of a lot better than anything I could ever attempt, but don’t ask me to compare…
  28. Wait, Lana just did a spinaroonie. She wins.
  29. The Usos, Rusev and English as respective hype squads are so much funnier than they should be.
  30. I was actually fine with this thing ending on a happy note of a shared passion bringing two people together, but Lana’s neckbreaker betrayal was pretty funny.
  31. I don’t mind Lana slapping an Uso; I just think it’s not unreasonable for her to expect a superkick in return.
  32. The Miz has officially watched too many martial arts movies.
  33. The Bar’s entrance is still my favourite ever, and the combination of that and the Miz’s was…well, awesome.
  34. It’s almost impossible to be invested in six-man tag matches. I don’t know why, but there’s just something about the form.
  35. Xavier Woods has been on another level this past few months. I really hope he gets the Money in the Bank match slot.
  36. Well, consider this one six-man tag match I really got into. If there must be three hour RAWs, they should be using the time on high quality, longer matches like this.
  37. I don’t know if Gallows and Anderson are supposed to be funny, but they are.
  38. Nice to see Harper and Rowan have been firmly asked not to smash any more cameras.
  39. I really need to watch Camp WWE.
  40. Surely Asuka would have seen Sonya in Gorilla position, right?
  41. It’s adorable that Sonya thinks that hitting Asuka just once qualifies as “helping”.
  42. And apparently it does, because this has been a fairly even match so far.
  43. If there has to be a commentator who supports the faces, can it be someone who isn’t a petty little prick like Byron Saxton?
  44. Becky Lynch is just goddamn delightful.
  45. Fucking sneaky Paige in the background there.
  46. Paige reminds Charlotte of Team PCB, which she abandoned around the same time she mocked Charlotte’s dead brother.
  47. Paige is terrible at comedy. At talking, actually.
  48.  Sort of weird that they’d make Aiden English Lana’s partner rather than, you know, her husband.
  49. Cien Almas needs to buy the next size shirt up, because that thing is gaping open.
  50. Zelina is the reason guys stop hanging out with their friends when they get a girlfriend.
  51. Samoa Joe got jobber entranced? Paige must be pissed.
  52. Big Cass’ music lacks personality, but then so does Big Cass.
  53. Quite enjoying this “Fuck you, Big Cass” party Joe and Dan are having.
  54. Excellent recovery from Bryan on that botched landing on the turnbuckle.
  55. I love Bryan, but something about Samoa Joe makes me want to see him win every match.
  56. Bryan makes every blow he lands look like it hurts like hell.
  57. Always surprising to see Bryan hit the final YES Kick.
  58. Damn you, Joe: let Bryan cripple Big Cass in peace.
  59. God, I love that Running Knee.
  60. I’m not even mad: I get Samoa Joe and Braun Strowman with a bunch of ladders.
  61. Bryan’s having no luck with stocky dudes recently.
  62. And a final “fuck you” to everyone’s favourite wrestler.

Okay, once again I’m sorry that this has been a fairly lightweight article; it’ll be back to full length new week.

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