Inside Pulse » Bachelor Pad A pop culture mega-site with Movies, TV, Music, Sports, Comics, Video Games coverage for diehards, including news, reviews, live event coverage, audio podcasts, exclusive interviews and commentary. Thu, 30 Oct 2014 13:00:20 +0000 en-US hourly 1 A pop culture mega-site with Movies, TV, Music, Sports, Comics, Video Games coverage for diehards, including news, reviews, live event coverage, audio podcasts, exclusive interviews and commentary. Inside Pulse no A pop culture mega-site with Movies, TV, Music, Sports, Comics, Video Games coverage for diehards, including news, reviews, live event coverage, audio podcasts, exclusive interviews and commentary. Inside Pulse » Bachelor Pad Bachelor In Paradise Spoilers: Chris Harrison Slams Money Concept Of Bachelor Pad, Says Paradise Is Normal Bachelor ‘Times 10′ Mon, 04 Aug 2014 21:00:34 +0000 Bachelor In Paradise, and according to the show's host... it isn't anything like Bachelor Pad and that is apparently a good thing.]]> Tonight marks the season premiere of Bachelor In Paradise, and according to the show’s host… it isn’t anything like Bachelor Pad and that is apparently a good thing.

“With Bachelor Pad, you got caught up in the game, so that’s why we tore it apart and retooled it,” host Chris Harrison told “It became about money, and our show and franchise was never about that. So I think people will love that Bachelor in Paradise is about what makes The Bachelor and The Bachelorette great — only it’s not just [one guy or one girl]. It’s that times 10, which leads to love triangles, drama and amazing dates. If you love Bachelor or Bachelorette you won’t not be addicted to it.”

In terms of whether the show lives up to the hype, Harrison said that it would and that the contestants that Bachelor and Bachelorette fans have come to love and hate will continue to do the things that Bachelor nation have come to expect.

“I think people lived up to form. More than not, people didn’t surprise me and they turned out to be who I thought they were. Whether it was Marquel or Michelle Money or [later arrivals] Jesse Kovacs and Chris Bukowski, whatever you thought of those people will be reconfirmed.”

Bachelor In Paradise premieres tonight on ABC at 8 p.m.

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Bachelor Pad 2012 – Season Finale Review – The Grand Finale Mon, 17 Sep 2012 16:52:03 +0000 Oddly, ‘wowsa’ is a phrase that comes to mind.  I really never thought I would use that phrase, yet here I am, still reeling from the effects of last night’s finale – the only finale in this show’s history that actually warrants the phrase ‘the most shocking finale ever’ and all I can think to say is ‘wowsa’.

Well, maybe that and a few other things.

From the moment the cast mates were introduced, I knew we were in for a good time.  We’ve got Michael in one corner flailing his arms more than usual and clearly trying to steal the show, the twins over in another corner, who literally were met with silence when introduced – like the applause jutted to a halt when their names were called and then started back up again when moving onto others.  And in the middle, all sorts of ridiculousness, from Jaclyn’s neon ruched/ mosquito net cutout dress, to Jamie’s over-accessorizing of her face and so much more. 

I’m a little confused, and a lot not a fan of this whole cutout dress business.  It just simply isn’t flattering and I’m getting a little bored watching every girl every episode wear some variation or another of the style.  Why would you want to wear something that basically creates a shelf for your back rolls and muffin top to sit on?  Oh right.  Because most of these girls are in their twenties.  They haven’t yet experienced the joy of watching your baby weight not disappear, but maneuver itself around to your back side and park itself for eternity.  Right.

So we take the obligatory stroll down memory lane and learn a lesson or two about honesty on Bachelor Pad (according to Blakely you have to be a good liar and an honest person – choice words coming from an emotional banana sandwich, and to play the game according to Michael – avoid conversations and if you get stuck having them, lie).  Then, the awkwardness sets in.

I was thrilled to learn that Lindzi and Kalon were still together, because let’s face it, they’re still adorable and I still heart Kalon this season.  Where Erica came from, with her brand new something (nose?  some sort of facial tightening procedure?), I still don’t know, but there she was diapee-peeing all over their parade with accusations of cheating and warnings for Lindzi to heed as the cameraman held his breath so as to capture every moment of Lindzi’s reaction.  I actually think Lindzi held her own and didn’t freak out, but that kinda info’s still gotta hurt and I’m sure Kalon will have some ‘splaining to do once the cameras stop rolling.  In any case, it’s all part of the plan, and at least if Erica has to be on camera, I will admit that she looks better than before.

Speaking of bitter girls, it’s not long before Jaclyn takes that stage.  Now that the show is officially over, it is safe to say that Jaclyn was my favourite girl this season.   If Lindzi had spoken once the whole season, maybe I’d feel a bit different, but the fact is, Jaclyn’s a funny chick and tells it like it is, and obviously I gotta admire that.  Regardless, I am appalled by her dress and I think it is a bit of a stretch for her to claim that she masterminded the whole show, though I do think had she been given the puppet master’s swivel chair instead of Michael, it would have been better for all of us, because we could have just turned her chair around at our leisure. 

Am I sad for Jaclyn and Rachel?  Yes.  But at the end of the day, as a wise sunburned, 250K richer man once said, ‘it’s about the money, people!’  And the fact is, Jaclyn and Ed would have won the whole thing, hands down.  If Jaclyn can’t recognize that, well, that’s just another one of her flaws.

And then there is Blakely and Tony.  Sigh.  Of course, that segment had to begin with a montage of memories.  How can we forget the outfit she first graced us with on episode one – the sparkly pastel sequined pencil skirt, the black booties and the tucked in blouse, or how ridiculous she looked as a 90 year old with pigtails on her trailer – or should I say hometown date with Tony when they ‘fell in love’.  It’s no surprise that Tony is still dating Blakely – or as I like to call it – taking out the trash.  Of course, I did get a little choked up when Chris Harrison had her in the chair and she was genuinely humbled by the quality of her relationship with a guy who didn’t try to stick a five spot in her G-string as an ice breaker.  When Chris asked her ‘what is it about Tony?’, I expected her answer to be the truth – ‘um…that he is actually interested in me?’ but of course she had to go for the stock ‘I can be myself around him and I’ve never been treated this way by anyone’ answer.

When Tony and Blakeley got up to make their ‘big announcement’, her flammable dress barely covering her sagging implants and ass, I was embarrassed for them.  You could practically see the words ‘who cares’ written across everyone’s forehead and it’s certainly no shocker that Blakely is packing up her satchel’s worth of belongings on a stick and moving over to Tony’s bachelor pad.  And then the big moment of Tony’s proposal – are you kidding me?  The look on my face, and for that matter the faces of all the other cast members was the same painful look I vaguely recall people giving me as I was hunched over in labour in an elevator in the hospital with my first child, the epidural just out of reach. Thanks to Neil Lane (because I certainly don’t think Tony the Woodchuck could afford that rock on his own), Blakeley’s dreams come true and she gets a ring and cable in one night.  But let’s not forget the real winner here, people – little Tyler, Tony’s son.  Thanks to Daddy’s taste in women, he now has a step mom that will probably sleep with one of his friends in about 15 years.  But on the flip side, what kid doesn’t want their very own pony, right?  So everyone wins in the end.

So, down to business, it’s finally time to bring out the final four.  Within a few minutes, Rachel is crying, and justifiably so.  I have to admit I was pretty shocked by the turn of events with Michael.  I think we all watched Michael in the beginning of the season as he hoped and dreamed to find true love on this show over and above all else.  So watching his arrogance as Rachel clearly sat there hurting just wasn’t nice and I expected more from him.  I mean the writing is on the wall from the season…we heard him tell her he’s not going anywhere and all that.  I would expect this from Chris, but not little Michael.

And then there’s Chris…shock of all shocks, he’s got a chip on his shoulder about how he’s been received for his actions on the show by his friends and family.  Somehow, even as he appears to be trying to say he feels bad for his actions, I am still disgusted by him even more and it seems like he’s asking for pity because he’s heard enough of it and blaming the game rather than looking in a mirror.  As Chris and Jamie start to get into it, you can see Sarah, who has chosen to remain silent until this point, starting to panic.  Chris is sorry Jamie feels that he wouldn’t have made a good father to Ricki from the bottom of the black hole where his heart should be and upon realizing he basically has no friends in the audience anymore, he makes a pitiful plea for Sarah to get the votes.

I think this is pretty much Jamie’s last kick at the can for the night – since up till now, she has made a complete fool of herself, between the rhinestone stickers stuck to her cheekbones that are usually reserved for three year old girls at nail salons to shut them up while their mothers get manicures and the head-dress straight out of the circus.  By the time Jaclyn and Blakely finished attacking her for being socially awkward, I expected her to ride off the stage on her elephant.  Seriously, who dressed this girl???  What.  The.  Hell.

Now let’s see…final four…I mentioned Rachel, Chris and Sarah…anyone else up there?  Oh right.  The guy in the navy socks and black macrame shoes whose legs are spread wider than Blakely’s on a two for one wing night.  Let’s just get right to it.  It’s no surprise that Nick and Rachel won and good on Jaclyn for being the bigger person and giving her friend the vote.  When it was time for Rachel and Nick to make their big decision, I admit in the past, I thought that this whole portion of the show has been ridiculous – how many people would actually keep the money? 

And then there was Nick.  Despite the important facts that Rachel helped him win the singing competition and the trivia challenge and the fact that he only got votes because his partner was Rachel and she’s the one with friends on the show and the fact that he was thrown into a partnership with Rachel just as much as she was to him, he is still incapable of seeing Rachel’s side of things.  Was he technically alone in this game with no alliance?  Yes.  And did he make the right decision for himself?  Hell yes he did.  But man, that’s a tough pill to swallow.  Clearly he isn’t too concerned about keeping too many lasting friendships that he’s made through this show.  He no doubt earned the respect of a ton of the guys on the show and despite Rachel being caught off guard so much that she actually stopped sucking in her stomach and you could see her rolls spilling out of her cutout dress (see!!!) as she literally held back vomit and hyperventilated, he technically did make a pretty awesome move.  It’s not like he’d ever be considered for a season of The Bachelor and he certainly wouldn’t be invited back to the Pad so really what does he have to lose?  Clearly, all the losing going on tonight, is definitely left with Rachel who might as well have switched networks and ended up on a new version of The Biggest Loser.  Shame is all I can say.

I don’t blame Nick for hightailing it out of there as fast as he could, though his treatment of Rachel as she muttered to herself and had an anxiety attack backstage was downright mean.   I certainly don’t think he’ll be hitting any after parties with his gym bag in tow any time soon.

And just like that, we’re done and I can honestly say it’s been a great season.  I’m looking forward to a few weeks of Bachelor vaca before we’re hit with the first season of Bachelor Canada starting October 3rd that will no doubt be a shamefully delicious (but hopefully not too embarrassing) train wreck and I have to admit I’m kinda nervous as I’ll be sharing my thoughts on that not only through this blog, but also via the Huffington Post – yay me!!!  I don’t know if I’m more nervous about having people hate me for writing mean things in such a large forum about people they potentially know or if I’m more nervous about cutting this thing down in length!  Either way, I’m up for the challenge and hope you’re right along for the ride with me.   And to all my American readers – it’s okay if you want to watch Bachelor Canada.  It’ll be our little secret, kay guys???  But if watching our shameful attempt at our own season (our bachelor is an unemployed CFL player – nuf said) isn’t your thing, check back with me in January when the new season of the Bachelor begins.  Will it be Sean?  Roberto?  Chris Harrison himself???  Only time will tell! 


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Bachelor Pad 3 – Season Finale Review – “Money is Dirty” Mon, 17 Sep 2012 15:51:02 +0000 Finally, the episode we’ve all been waiting for. Having spoiled the results for myself (it’s hard to resist temptation when you care so little for the show), I was only holding on so I could see all the drama play out in the end.

So I figured that Michael wouldn’t be getting quite so many cheers by the end of the show as he did when they introduced him.

Let’s just get this out of the way right now – poor Rachel! The poor girl walked away without the guy she fell for and without the money. It couldn’t have gone worse.

OK, let’s talk about this nonsense. What was the status of the couples in the house?

The Couples

Kalon & Lindzi
I was surprised to hear that Lindzi and Kalon were still together, despite the long distance. What does she mean that Kalon was overlooked on Emily’s season? I’d say he was pretty front and center, and it wasn’t flattering. And of course, Erica Rose had to weigh in with her two cents and warn Lindzi that he’s been around town with various girls. I believe her, but you know Erica was just dying to get on screen as much as possible.

Michael & Rachel
When Michael took the hot seat, Erica had her bitchface ready. We recapped how last time on Bachelor Pad, Michael won the money but lost the girl. We recapped his relationship with sweet, lovable Rachel. And then we recapped how Michael told Erica that his relationship with Rachel wouldn’t go past the house. What? When did that happen? How did I miss that? Maybe if this show hadn’t been two hours every week, I might have been able to catch “important” (relatively) information like that.

Michael was obviously in image rehab mode before they even got to the Rachel stuff, saying that he obviously hadn’t gone on Bachelor Pad to find a wife. Puh-lease. We needed to hear from Rachel, but that wouldn’t come until later.

Ed & Jacklyn
Oh, Jacklyn. There are so many unfortunate things about her, including that unflattering pink dress she wore, but her relationship with Ed is the worst. But before that, we had to recap how betrayed she was because Rachel chose money over their friendship. Sigh. It’s a game!

Tony & Blakely
When Blakely took the hot seat, we spent a long time recapping her failed partnership with douchey Chris, and her blossoming relationship with doting Tony. I knew Tony loved Blakely when he actually appreciated her constant direction during that teacup stacking challenge. It’s obvious who wears the pants in this relationship, but I actually find them kind of sweet.

Soon, the conversation turned to Jamie. I wanted to know why she was dressed like Cleopatra, but they only talked about her relationship with Chris and how Jacklyn hates her.

When Chris brought the conversation back to Blakely and Tony, she started tearing up. God, I know this relationship doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell, but I kind of want them to work. When Chris said that they had an announcement to make, I was REALLY hoping they would just announce their engagement rather than doing a cheesy, cheap TV proposal. But of course not. This is Bachelor Pad, after all. It was so awkward. I wish she’d been in a classier dress. But I guess this is the only way to get the massive Neil Lane rock. Sigh. Well, I hope for his kid’s sake that it works out.

Back to Michael & Rachel
Rachel came out and looked gorgeous. Stunning, really. I thought she started out speaking very well, and describing how and why Michael misled her. She was falling in love, and he was dating someone else. In Chicago! It’s long distance, the thing he said he didn’t want. What an ass. Nick sat there and looked smug, and then began to make his case for the money – he was drama free!

Chris & Sarah
Since they were finalists, Chris and Sarah didn’t come out until halfway through the show. Chris said the whole Jamie and Blakely thing was tough for him, his family and friends, but I didn’t think he seemed genuine enough. He blamed the game, but it was just straight up womanizing. His manwhoreness had nothing to do with the strategy of the game.

Debate Time

Then it was time for the losers to interrogate the final two couples before voting. Nick was straight up in his answer to Jacklyn, that they had to eliminate her and Ed because they were too well-liked. Rachel was teary and apologetic, which I’ve always hated on Survivor. I don’t take Bachelor Pad seriously enough as a show to have an opinion on it here. Play, don’t play, the rules are so loose that it doesn’t really matter.

Chris basically made a plea for people to vote for Sarah, not him. Does that mean he’s told her to take the money if they win? I guess we’ll never know.

Voting time!

Michael voted for Rachel and Nick.
Jamie voted for Rachel and Nick.
Kalon voted for Chris and Sarah.
Ed voted for Rachel and Nick.
Blakely voted for Rachel and Nick. Obviously.
Dave voted for Chris and Sarah.
Erica Rose voted for Chris and Sarah.
Reid voted for Nick and Rachel.
Lindzi voted for Nick and Rachel.
Donna voted for Rachel and Nick.
Tony voted for Rachel and Nick. Like he’d go against Blakely.
Jacklyn voted for Rachel and Nick.

Rachel and Nick won! I was glad it wasn’t Chris and Sarah. Chris is the worst, and Sarah did nothing to win the money. At least Rachel, like, made some friends or something. And Nick slept with less than three women. The remaining votes that we didn’t see were also for them, which means they won by a landslide.

Of course, I knew in advance what would happen. Rachel said she trusted Nick, but she had no reason to. They weren’t dating, or even really friends. She spent their entire partnership sobbing over another guy and contemplating quitting the game, rather than actually playing. He didn’t owe her anything. Yet, what Nick did is still really, really crappy. It’s a game and he played it and won, but it’s a jerk move.

For those of you who don’t watch, there was $250,000 up for grabs. Nick and Rachel had to individually choose if they would keep or share the money. If they both choose share, they each get $125,000. If one chooses keep and one chooses share, the person who chose keep gets it all. If they BOTH chose keep, the money would be divided up amongst the losers.

Nick chose keep. Rachel chose share. Nick is the worst, but he’s a little bit richer.

Rachel went first, and I can imagine that Nick was pretty nervous before she revealed she chose to share. It’s a risk, to pick keeping it. He could have ended up with nothing. His speech was kind of manic, like a kid who was ignored in high school and then threw paint on the prom queen. It was basically like, “None of you guys liked me or cared about me, so f— you!” When Nick said that he got to the end by himself and that Rachel never wanted to be his partner and tried to bail on him, you could see in Rachel’s eyes that she knew she’d lost the money. She should have chosen keep.

The looks on everyone’s faces when he revealed he’d chosen to keep the money were priceless. I was really hoping Rachel would hit him. I would have. It was sort of mean, actually, the people who were over the moon. And Nick’s laughter and celebration was kind of in poor taste, but I guess after that kind of speech and move, why be polite?

Schmarmy. That’s the only word to describe Nick. Schmarmy. Good for him for winning the money, but he’s a gross person and after taxes, hookers and drugs he’ll probably be worse off than before. So congratulations Rachel. I’m sorry you didn’t win the money, but you have a cool job and I think you dodged a bullet with the Michael Stagliano situation, go find someone who’s never been on TV.×120/166981_chris-harrison-poses-backstage-at-the-grammys-dial-global-radio-remotes-during-the-54th-annual-gramm.jpg

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Bachelor Pad 3 – Episode 3-7 Review – “We’re in the home stretch, friends…” Fri, 07 Sep 2012 14:49:58 +0000 …can you believe we’re still watching this mess? This show is such nonsense. I do this for you, I hope y’all know that.

Four couples are left. I don’t like any of them, and I don’t want any of them to win money. But I continue to watch. And mock. Watch and mock.

Hanging By a Thread

The challenge this week was “equal parts brain and brawn”, according to Chris Harrison. Sigh. If knowing Bachelor Pad trivia is considered brains, then send a Mensa membership to every moron on this show.

After the requisite few clips of players saying they didn’t come here to lose or aren’t read to go home, the challenge commenced. One team member had to answer trivia questions while the other team member had to sit on a dangling swing – ropes got cut as questions were answered incorrectly, and after all the ropes were cut the players would be hanging from bars.

All the gals answered the questions and all the guys took the strength role, with the exception of Nick and Rachel. Even though I hate how Rachel sobbed over Michael, I still hate her the least of everyone and like that she wasn’t confident in her Bachelor Pad trivia.

Chris and Sara won the competition, which is what everyone didn’t want. It’s a good day to be a Gerard Butler or Miley Cyrus lookalike, I guess.

Nonsensical Madness is the Name of the Game

Because there’s no rhyme or reason to how this show works, Chris and Sara got to choose who’d be eliminated next. Each couple pleaded their cases, and it was cute that Blakeley thought she had a shot. Chris is way too big a misogynist to keep his ex around. So after a heartwarming (cold as ice) speech, Blakely and Chris were sent packing. Think they’ll last as a couple outside the show? (NO spoilers!) I’d be surprised. This show is too gross to help grow a real relationship.

Immediately afterwards, there was another competition. The remaining three couples got to go on a field trip to a theater where actual celebrities had performed. A band called Night Ranger was there playing a song called Sister Christian, and everyone was more excited than me.

The challenge was that each couple would have to sing that song in front of a live audience, to be judged by the real band. The competitions on this show are always stupid, but this one took the cake. Who cares if they have vocal coaches? This challenge was so arbitrary, couldn’t we just do another spelling bee?

Sister Christian Rock

As if being an employee of Glee wouldn’t be embarrassing enough, now these poor people have to add Bachelor Pad to their resumes? Tough.

Basically, everyone sucked. None of these fools could sing. Watching this episode was a crime against my ears.

Nick and Rachel went first. Sara thought that they wouldn’t have on stage chemistry because, basically, they aren’t sleeping together. Compared to the others, they weren’t terrible. They weren’t good by any means, but they were the best of the bunch.

Next were Ed and Jacklyn. Jacklyn missed her entrance, asked to start again, swore, and completely screwed up the entire thing. Ed forgot the words entirely. It takes a lot to be the most epic disaster in a competition of disasters, and Jacklyn basically resorted to performing as a stripper instead. It was disgusting. I’m pretty sure Ed is always drunk, but they had to have been smashed while performing this. Jacklyn’s analysis that they “recovered nicely” was a generous assessment.

Finally Chris and Sara performed. They’re both pretty bad singers, but Sara is brutal and can’t dance. The whole thing was really bad, and Sara looked like a stripper who took a bad hit of meth. It didn’t help that Chris was blatantly reading words off his palm.

Alright, so who won this travesty of a competition? Ed and Jacklyn were clearly out of the running. Rachel and Nick won, which was the only acceptable outcome. I’m glad they’ll be in the finals. I couldn’t care less about Nick, but I don’t mind Rachel.

As the winners, Nick and Rachel got to choose which couple would join them in the final two. It seemed pretty obvious to choose Chris and Sara because no one likes them. Jacklyn said she didn’t want to lose a friendship over it. Gee, Jacklyn, then maybe you should separate the game and your friendship and not dump the girl just because she doesn’t choose you? Just a thought.

Nick convinced Rachel that if she wants the money, they need to take Chris and Sara. Ed and Jacklyn are too fun-loving and drama-free and could get more votes. Girls always seem to cave on this show, and “they” (Nick) decided to take Chris and Sara to the finals.

Rachel felt terrible, but I think Jacklyn looks worse. It’s a game. She’s the one that’s giving up a friendship over a stupid game. She could choose not to, but she won’t because she’s just as selfish and also wants to win the money. I bet if Jacklyn and Ed were in that position, they also would have taken the less likable couple to the finals.

I think it was the right decision. They might have lost Jacklyn’s vote, but I don’t see any way that those people will hand Chris the money next week.

OK. Cray-cray finale next week. I unfortunately read some spoilers by accident, so a word of advice to others – don’t go Googling anything about the show or the people on the show if you don’t want to accidentally see outcomes! And please no posting spoilers in the comments, but please do head down there with yours thoughts on this episode!×120/166981_chris-harrison-poses-backstage-at-the-grammys-dial-global-radio-remotes-during-the-54th-annual-gramm.jpg

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Bachelor Pad 2012 – Episode 7 Review – Who’s Nick Again? Fri, 07 Sep 2012 14:46:19 +0000 You would think that by now I have learned my lesson.  That by now I would understand that editing is a wondrous thing and can make you believe that the most simple of episodes, the most benign occurrences, will be fraught with excitement, tension and emotional turmoil.

These are the hopes I had settling into last night’s episode, but alas, apart from a newfound respect for professional musicians and a serious distaste for turquoise spandex, I sadly am left with not much. To say I am underwhelmed by the couples on last night’s episode would be an understatement, but then again, I was underwhelmed by them all from the beginning.

It was obvious by the previews of the episode that Rachel was the winner of any of the major competitions, given that every moment captured her in emotional turmoil at the thought of making any decision without Michael Stagliano.  Wah Wah Wah.  Get over it.

After the sweet departure of Kalon and Lindzi last week, I was not so interested in watching this group of eight toast themselves, much less have to hear Chris delivering the inspiring remarks and from the moment this episode began, I felt like I was watching The Curious Case of Blakely Button.  Could this girl age any faster?  I don’t get it…is it the stress?  The sun?  Having to hang out with Tony?

I was pretty excited to see the gang enter the backyard and take in the scenery of their first challenge.  Why the girls (except for Blakely who chose the elastic waist version of the short short – much more comfortable at her age) had to don the uniform of jean cut-offs and a bikini top to prep for the challenge, I don’t get.  Wouldn’t you be worried about a boob hanging out of the bottom of your string bikini once you’re hanging from mid-air?  Don’t these people think of these things???

Rachel, who clearly is devoting most of her time to thinking about Michael, and let’s be honest, the rest of the time hitting the donuts pretty hard, clearly doesn’t give the strategy for this human version of Cut The Rope too much thought when she decides that Nick, the one with the most upper body strength in the house, is going to sit and polish his toenails and reminisce about previous seasons while she holds on for dear life as if the prize for winning this competition is a lifetime supply of McDonald’s happy meals.

So what a surprise, Sarah knows everything there is to know about the Bachelor…I mean we already know she’s a big fan, considering she came out from her season in the 1700’s to score a spot on this season of Bachelor Pad.  So she pulls out the win, avoids a beating from Chris (nice to see the bruises on her legs clearing up slightly), and off they go to straddle each other and congratulate themselves on being The Little Power Couple That Could.

It was no surprise to me that Blakely and Tony were the couple to be cut.  I mean I do totally feel bad for Tony – the guy has a kid after all and he is super-nice, but a) there is no way Chris would allow Blakely to be anywhere close to him in the finals – even I can concede that revenge is sweet even if it’s Chris that gets to experience it and b) despite my own personal distaste for Blakely, between her sob story about Hooters University and not having cable, and his status as a single dad, they would be given the cash by the other cast-mates for sure.  I’m not sure why Ed, sporting his short shorts, and Jaclyn chose not to address Chris and Sarah in front of the group like the others but either way, based on Blakely’s ugly cry as Chris and Sarah took their spots, it was pretty clear that Blakely knew she wasn’t going to make it.  Of course, before they dropped the bomb Chris had to make yet another speech basically tooting his own horn and saying how they got where they are because of them and them only.  And of course, he had to throw in some accusations about other cast-mates not listening to him and following his every whim.  Imagine the gall of supporting your partner and not the whiny, abusive alcoholic in the top bunk next to you.  Honestly – some people! 

Alas, Blakely is gone and sadly, we’ll no longer hear the pitter patter of her hooves trotting around the Pad.  Of course, Tony joins Blakely in her limo – I don’t think his leash would have extended far enough to his own – and we have to endure him telling her how amazing she is and how he wants to take it to the next level with her.  All I can think about as I listen to the poor guy pour his heart out while Blakely half-listens and makes some comment that doesn’t even make sense about the surprise of their new love, is Tony’s poor son.  I mean think about it.  The guy leaves with a promise of bringing Emily home and comes back with Blakely???  And no money???  That’s a pretty shitty looking end of a stick if you ask me.

Though I’m not sure about Tony, I can’t imagine Blakely at least not getting cable out of this.  I mean at the bare minimum Hooters should throw the girl some endorsement, no?  Or at least some free chicken wings?  And if that doesn‘t work out, I’m sure there’s an In N Out Burger application with her name on it somewhere.  Might as well branch out. 

The next morning (or later that afternoon, or whenever it was) the gang awaits their next challenge and I must say, despite his weird sex noises, Ed certainly can rock a plaid shirt.  That is some tasty business.  Rachel is still in mourning over the loss of Michael, but Nick seems to be in fine form, eager to get this party started.  Too bad between his sunburn and his chapped lips, he looks like he just survived a plane crash in the desert. 

When the gang enters the concert hall and we see the band performing (what’s their name again?  Blade Runner?  Running Journey?), I am completely confused.  How did this happen?  Seriously how did it come to be that this band got the opportunity to be on this show?  Is one of the producers’ grandfather’s a huge fan?  This makes less sense than the casting of the role of ‘the sister’ in Magic Mike, quite possibly one of the worse played roles in a feature film of all time – I mean seriously how many people did that sourpuss have to blow to get that role?  In any case, the lead singer is either completely ecstatic to be there or has had so much Botox that he can’t possibly make any other facial expression.  I think the only one more excited than him is Ed, who has this song on his running mix

Anyways, I get it, the song is a ‘power ballad’, one of those songs we all love but know none of the words to.  Clearly none of these cast-mates took the time to understand what the song was about as they were learning to butcher it because as Nick said, in possibly the funniest line of the night which really isn’t saying much, the song is about a brother giving advice to his sister and the performances consisted of various stages of humpery all over the stage. 

To be honest, as rehearsals took place, I really barely made any notes as I was simply dumbfounded by the singing.  Really Sarah?  That is actually your singing voice?  Is it because of the stroke?  You sound like an old British lady having an orgasm.  I don’t know why their vocal coaches were wasting time with mouth stretching exercises…these girls didn’t make it onto this show by keeping their mouths shut, that’s for sure.   Ed’s vocal stylings were akin to a white man rapping while trying to take a dump and Rachel’s manly voice didn’t exactly scream sing your heart out to me. 

Mercifully the rehearsals ended and it’s go time.  The limo pulls up and the eight people that could be scrounged up off the street take their positions squealing and cheering for likely, people that they don’t know because really how recognizable are Nick and Sarah?  Hair and makeup eagerly await and instantly Jaclyn is transformed into a school girl gone very wrong, and Sarah pours herself into pants that could only ever be compared to Olivia Newton John’s in Grease. Ouch.  I don’t know how Chris got away with basically wearing a regular t shirt and jeans while Nick looks like a grown man dressed as a chicken and Ed looks like, well, who cares, Ed can pull off any look.

Clearly the contestants are super-nervous.  I think Jaclyn describes it best when she mimics her own heartbeat…at its healthy, regular speed…right…

Overall, I think it’s safe to say I’d rather be listening to the comforting whirr of white noise while getting an MRI, than ever have to endure that kind of singing again.  Despite Nick’s air guitar, which clearly demonstrates the fact that he has never picked up a guitar in his life, Rachel and Nick set the bar high…by not being beyond horrific like the others and the fact is that Rachel is beautiful and looked super hot up there.  Jaclyn and Ed – a completely different story.  Her boobs arrived on stage a full nine minutes before she did and I don’t know what was worse, totally missing her cue, having her drop the F bomb before the first verse was even done, listening to them actually stop in the middle and ask to start again (what do you think this is, American Idol?) or watching Ed almost go down on her in front of the children in the audience as we confirm that the song is about the relationship between a brother and a sister.  And speaking of the audience, do these people not have a sense of humor?  They looked positively angry and disgusted the whole time – what were they expecting when they were paid to be part of the audience?

And then there is Sarah.  Dear, sweet, mentally disturbed Sarah.  I mean, I get it.  You knew your singing voice wasn’t exactly up to par so you needed to create a diversion.  And I totally get that some of the most loved performers don’t actually have great singing voices, but their stage presence commands the adoration of their audience.  But honestly, the smell of burnt toast was all over that stage and the only group you were relating to out there was a group of orangutans as danger approaches.  Were you trying to sing out of your vagina???  At one point, I thought she would high kick herself back to the galaxy she came from. 

Rachel and Nick, for the first time, actually deserve to win something and the judges don’t disappoint.  Jaclyn doesn’t even wait to get off stage before bawling from the loss and of course, Chris has a hissy fit and throws his shoes off in an amazing display of sportsmanship that I’m sure his mother is proud of.

 As the episode winds down and Nick and Rachel are tasked with the difficult decision of who to compete with in the final episode, it’s like history repeating itself.  Why do people constantly forget as they embark on these reality show competitions that at the end of the day, it’s all about who you can beat to win the money?  Despite Nick’s confidence in a guaranteed win against Chris and Sarah, I have a feeling there may be some surprise votes in their favor next week and I think it would behoove Rachel to apologize to Jaclyn on the finale and maybe even offer to share some of the winnings with her if given the opportunity to take the prize home.  I’m a little peeved at Rachel for not keeping Ed and Jaclyn just for the sole public service of us not having to watch Jaclyn do her finest ugly cry when she gets the boot.  I mean honestly, there may be children watching.  Either way, it looks like Rachel may end up as the biggest loser next week if mine eyes don’t deceiveth me.  Could it be that Michael Stag has been seeking love and romance elsewhere?  How could you not be excited when Chris Harrison adapts his finale catch phrase to be ‘the most shocking and disturbing finale ever’…yippee!!!  Bring.  It.  On.×120/150045_bachelor-pad-2-cast.jpg

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Bachelor Pad 2012 – Episode 6 Review – “And I Am Kalon You” Fri, 31 Aug 2012 17:56:29 +0000 Sup, peeps.

So last night’s episode wasn’t as exciting and riveting as last week’s but it certainly had its moments, no?  I was expecting some light to be shed on certain issues that surfaced, such as Kalon being in love for real for the first time, or delving into the situation between Jaclyn and Ed, but more than anything, it’s pretty clear that light was mostly shed upon the skin of these poor people.   Those sunburns are ridiculous!  I could practically see their skin tightening in pain from the comfort of my couch.  I have learned the hard way many times, just how bad a sunburn can be and in fact still have a burn mark from San Sebastian, Spain from my jaunt through Europe twelve (twelve???) years ago.  The simple fact is, you tan better when you are wearing sunscreen people!  So if that isn’t a reason to wear sunscreen, what is?  Oh yeah.  Cancer.

Anyhoodles…now that I’ve started your morning off on a cheery note, let’s get to the task at hand.  Seeing Rachel drowning in a sea of her own boogers flashed me back to her season with Ben, where I for some reason remember her crying…and crying…and crying… I can’t imagine why…I mean after all it was Ben’s season, but still, it’s vaguely familiar.  I don’t blame the poor girl.  Losing your Bachelor Pad boyfriend mid-season is like accidentally dropping your bronzer and watching it crumble into a thousand powdery pieces on your bathroom floor when you don’t have a backup!  Completely traumatizing.  Poor Rachel has been a stage 5 Clinger to Michael all season long, so I can only imagine how alone she must feel. I know I’m certainly feeling the loss.

Post rose ceremony, the mood was somber, to put it lightly.  Most of the cast looked like they had just come from a late-night funeral so when Chris Harrison came in and pulled the trigger regarding competing as couples, it’s no surprise that he was met with, well, silence.

Rachel and Nick reluctantly pair up together for lack of a better option and they all move onto partying the stress of the evening’s events away.

As the morning sun shone over the mansion the next day, it became painfully obvious just how old and decrepit the house actually looks from the outside.  It reminds me of…well…Blakely.  I mean, I get the rustic chic look.  Who doesn’t love distressed wood against a backdrop of crisp white?  But there are huge gaps of stucco missing from the exterior, and the ‘English Garden’ thing they’re going for?  It’s pretty much weeds.  This show is just crying out for a new location.  Maybe that could be a reality show in itself.  A bunch of gorgeous homes try out to be the next set of a reality dating show.  The winner gets to be the home of the new Bachelor madness and wins a complete set of liquid-proof mattress covers.   Gotta love design porn.

Once the spelling bee is announced, I am positively giddy.  Surprise, surprise, I was a friggin’ amazing speller!!!  Yup, spelling, reading, writing, public speaking, that shit’s my jam, yo!  Math on the other hand?  Let’s just say the most studying I did for math classes involved studying how to configure myself in the room so there was a Chinese kid I could cheat off of during tests at every angle.  And look at me now, living the dream, blogging for free at the crack of dawn – whoopee!!!

I really don’t get how people are so averse to spelling – to me it just makes sense.  Yet I must admit, I wasn’t shocked when Blakely announced she wasn’t good in school (really???), nor was I surprised by the anxiety caused by the impending competition for most of the cast.   I was however, surprised with Tony’s claim that spelling was ‘the one thing he wasn’t good at.’  Really?  You’re good at everything else?

It would certainly have helped if Chris Harrison himself could pronounce the words he was asking them to spell.  ‘Soiree’ is pronounced ‘Swa-Ray’, for the love of god – not ‘swoh-ree’.  That’s just as bad as someone calling a ‘BAY-GLLL’ a ‘BAH-GLL’ or even worse, hearing Americans say ‘Foy-YRRR’ instead of Fo-YAY’ to describe an entryway.  That shit makes my skin crawl.

Right off the bat, we knew the scene was going to be bad.  First we’ve got Kalon, who might as well, flush what I can only presume is an Ivy League education straight down the toilet after he shoots his mouth off about school being in session and him and Lindzi going home with the prize.  Then we’ve got Jaclyn, who despite her very well accessorized outfit still seems to have suffered a more severe beating with the ugly stick than usual thanks to her rockin’ sunburn and unflattering impressions of the Hogwarts judges.  Then of course, there’s the elephant in the room of Chris and Sarah actually excelling (if you can call it that) in this competition.  Dammit!  When she was trying to spell entrepreneur she looked kinda scary – like literally half dead scary – and when she screwed it up, am I the only one who expected Chris to have a tantrum on stage and then literally beat the shit out of her?  In true drama-heavy form, Blakely starts bawling her eyes out when Chris and Sarah win.  Am I the only one who winced with the awkwardness of Ed and Jaclyn winning an overnight date after the way he embarrassed her the other night?

So Chris and Sarah head off on their romantic one-on-one date and I hope you’ll excuse me if my flag is only at half mast for ‘National Chris and Sarah Day.’  Sarah isn’t exactly appropriately dressed – or so it seems – to be hiking through a meadow in black stilettos, but surprisingly, when it’s time to jump in the lake, her pencil dress converts into a beach blanket with one simple snap, like some white trash ten-in-one dress from the Home Shopping Network.  Didn’t see that one coming.

I think it’s safe to say I had my first official ‘guffaw’ when I heard Sarah remark that Chris is ‘fresh off a breakup’ with Emily and she’s wondering if he’s over her yet.  I thought I must have been hearing things until Chris reaffirmed this notion at dinner when Sarah called him out for not having a girlfriend since high school (shocker!) and he corrected her by saying, ‘well I did date Emily for a while’.  Excuse me, did I hear you right?  Dated her for a while?    That’s a bit of a stretch, no?  You had one date with her at the beginning of the show, then a series of delusional group dates in which she for some reason found you to be good looking and you for some reason felt you had a deeper connection than someone who, oh I don’t know, isn’t a loser?  Just because a girl eats your Kielbasa doesn’t mean she’s your girlfriend, Sweetheart.  I have a friend like this, who lives in a delusional world where she claims that guys she hooked up with one or twice in high school were actually her boyfriends and when it comes up in conversation, I just close my eyes and send her telepathic messages; ‘stop talking, stop talking, stop talking, you’re embarrassing yourself, you’re crazy, never happened, I was there, etc., etc.’ It’s really not a good look.

Anyways, enough of Sarah and Chris and how lucky they feel to have found each other and begin the healing process in their barn of love.  Let’s visit the other extreme, Rachel, who is clearly losing her mind and channeling every ounce of emotion she has into pounding her face with makeup and overdone hairstyles.   Rachel applying blush with such fury reminds me of serial killer Melissa stirring the yogurt with fury over Blake last season – God, those were good times.  Never fear, because the girls all snuggle up under a hand job duvet outside to console Rachel and talk about all the amazing things they could do with the money if they stick it out, like taking a romantic vaca with their boyfriends…or getting cable???  Seriously Blakely?  Waxing chodas and the pension you probably earned from your lifelong career at Hooters doesn’t pay the bills enough for you to even be able to watch the shows you are actually on???  This is truly a sad state of affairs.  At least we know they won’t vote each other out.  Pinky swears are legally binding, right?  Yes.  Yes they are.

So Ed and Jaclyn’s date arrives and I’m kind of nervous for Jaclyn, who despite her obvious flaws, I actually like.  She’s a good, loyal friend, a funny chick and definitely the most chilled out girl in the bunch except for maybe Lindzi who probably has bedsores at this point from literally being horizontal every minute other than challenges on this show.

When Ed and Jaclyn settled in on their picnic blanket for ‘the talk’, the whole thing is just confusing.  I may have just been too distracted by Jaclyn’s whiskers sparkling in the sunlight to actually hear what they were saying, but there definitely seemed to be some difficult communication issues going on.  Ed’s attempt at rectifying the situation was basically an epic fail.  Instead of apologizing and clarifying his need for keeping it casual to focus on the game, he had to throw in the fact that he has a pseudo girlfriend back home and that he most definitely is using Jaclyn as a warm body/security blanket.  He even goes so far as to pin Jaclyn’s lack of knowledge about ‘the other woman’ on Sarah, who he assumed would have told Jaclyn about her since she knew all along.  Don’t blame Sarah for this!  When would she have possibly been able to tell Jaclyn?  Her mouth has been a little bit occupied by the swordfight going on between Chris and Ed all season.  Cut the girl some slack!

Anyways, at the end of the day, Jaclyn makes it clear that her primary objective is to not look like a whore and then proceeds to hang onto the shred of a compliment Ed pity-threw at her at dinner in order to justify them taking full advantage of their overnight accommodations.  What a step forward for women everywhere, Jaclyn.  Thanks for that.  And while we’re thanking you, thanks for never wearing that lace skirt you sported the next day again.

Speaking of whores, back at the house, Tony has set up a mini date for Blakely and Blakely is reciprocating by pulling out all her signature moves (AKA baby voice).  I find it a little concerning that within two weeks of partnering up, Blakely is officially the first thing Tony thinks about when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks about when he goes to bed.  Um, remember your son?  That little guy you abandoned to do back-to-back reality shows?  Riiiiiight.  As if hearing her lie to us about how Tony could basically be the one, which I can only assume is based on the mere fact that he’s the only non-asshole she has come across in her lifetime, we then have to watch a vile close-up of them kissing.  The only thing grosser than watching their tongues dart in and out of each other’s mouths was watching Blakely’s Adam’s Apple crashing in the wind.

Finally, it’s down to the nitty gritty and some tough decisions need to be made.  Clearly people like Nick are not thinking things through, most likely due to severe sunstroke and dehydration.  In order to kick his human factor up a notch, Kalon reaches deep within and adds the word y’all to his vocabulary for the night.  Rachel has clearly gone off the deep end with her braids and ringlets and Lindzi is…well…just sitting there.  Is she practicing to be Kalon’s trophy wife?

Let’s just call a spade a spade and give the adorable award for the night to Kalon.   Despite his ego and misinterpretation of him ‘master-minding’ the idea to kick out Nick and Rachel, the guy is clearly in love.  Calling Lindzi the ‘priority of his life’ and pulling an Ames and running to her limo?  That’s the stuff dreams are made of right there.  It’s no surprise to me that Rachel was safe last night – I mean come on, we all saw the pinky swear.

Next week, looks like no activities with pinkies – stinky or otherwise – are going to protect these so-called friends from the greed that will take over the house as they get closer to the win.  I think at this point, my vote goes with Ed and Jaclyn.  Clearly I’d rather die than see Chris take the win.  Though I’m sure Tony could use the money for his son, I can’t possibly support the idea of Blakely winning.  Rachel and Nick – meh.  That leaves Jaclyn and Ed and since they’re both funny, they’ve got my vote every time.  It looks like some pretty dramatic stuff goes down next week, but we all know how cruel and misleading editing can be, so let’s not get too excited.  In the meantime, if you’re looking for something to do on, oh, I don’t know, facebook…you could like me, like me, like me!!!!/pages/Babefromtheburbs/196649130382234

Till next week!×120/150045_bachelor-pad-2-cast.jpg

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Bachelor Pad 3 – Episode 3-6 Review – “Hope You Don’t Have Too Many Bags To Pack…” Thu, 30 Aug 2012 02:08:24 +0000

I’ve skimmed through last week’s episode and am basically caught up. For those of you who didn’t see it, here’s the gist:

  • Kalon took Lindzi on a date – I don’t understand those two as a couple at all.
  • Tony took his new partner Blakely on a date – I actually kind of like them as a couple.
  • Michael prepared a little date for Rachel at the mansion – I continue to enjoy both of them despite my better judgment reminded me that no one who goes on this show is any good.
  • This week, the twist was that everyone would vote out a woman, and that woman would get to choose a man to eliminate as well. Michael tried to work things out to get Erica Rose eliminated and to convince her that Chris was the culprit, but he got caught – Chris revealed to Erica that he wasn’t voting for her and she knew her friend Michael had done it – so she chose Michael. It got personal, too. She not only rubbed Michael’s face in it, but brought up Holly leaving him for Blake. (Lame-o Bachelor Pad manipulations aside, Blake is SO GROSS and Holly is kind of the worst.)
  • Obviously, Rachel was crushed. I think she’ll get over it.

OK, let’s get to this week’s episode!


Howdy, Partners!

It’s that time again! Everyone has to begin playing as partners. Ed and Jaclyn, Blakely and Tony, Chris and Sara, Lindzi and Kalon, and Rachel and Michael Nick. Poor Rachel, she was so upset. Them’s the breaks, kid!


There’s no better challenge than the Bachelor Pad spelling bee. Honestly, I love watching these people humiliate themselves. I can’t believe how dumb some of them are.

The final two couples were Ed and Jaclyn (Ed kept blowing it, no surprise there) and winners Chris and Sara. Everyone wants those two out, so people were pretty angry to see them get roses this week. Both couples got overnight dates.

Putting the Train in Trainwreck

For their date, Chris and Sara took a train to their date, where they went swimming and talked about Emily. Oh Chris, don’t even play. You are way too sleazy to have ever ended up with Emily. Sara can have you.

Sad Sacks

Back at the mansion, Rachel was sobbing because she missed Michael and wanted to take herself out of the game. Since Chris and Sara had roses, the alliance would have to turn on itself. Jaclyn convinced her to stay, and instead she, Rachel and Blakely decided that Lindzi least deserved to stick around. We really haven’t seen much of Lindzi on this show at all, but that doesn’t surprise me. She was pretty bland on her season of The Bachelor.


Apparently Ed and Jaclyn sleep in the same bed every night, yet Ed told Jaclyn in front of everyone that he doesn’t like her. This show is like the sluttiest, worst high school sleepaway camp ever.

Jaclyn and Ed got in a tiny plane, where Jaclyn displayed none of the symptoms of the “really bad plane anxiety” that she’d talked about but instead did that thing where girls think it’s cute to act scared. Homegirl. Have you seen Bridesmaids? Plane anxiety is not attractive.

Sitting in the wind, Ed delivered a weak apology to Jaclyn and she did that thing where girls apologize for no reason. Ed told Jaclyn that he’d been pursuing someone at home — record scratch! NO ONE would want to be with Ed after watching this show. I don’t know who would want to be with Ed before this show either, but definitely not after. Anyway, they “broke up” so that he could come on the show “single”, but he still has “feelings” for her.


Ed assumed that because he told Sara, Jaclyn knew. Really? Using gossip as an excuse? This guy is a real piece of work. Jaclyn said she’ll never recover from this, which is a fitting over-exaggeration coming from a girl who frequently claims to be having panic attacks while behaving perfectly calmly.

Jaclyn said whether or not she took the overnight date was a big decision. What? How is it any decision at all? The guy has another girl, so go home to your individual beds! Ed used the classic douchey “this is an immature Facebook relationship status issue”, which is a serious red flag. “I don’t want to look like a whore”, Jaclyn repeated. Oh, sweetie. Too little too late?

Jaclyn eventually determined “I can’t live without him.” This girl is the MOST dramatic. Of course, she slept with him.

Pillows = Date

Why is it that all a guy has to do on this show is ask a production assistant to toss a few pillows onto the cobblestones, open a bottle of wine, and drag a gal outside for a “date” and she’ll totally swoon? That’s the easiest date ever! Show some creativity, men!

Also? I could live without the up-close kisses. I really, really could.

Blakely and Tony both have kids and live far apart. Good luck with that.

Rose Wars

Jaclyn and Ed were given roses to hand out when they returned to the mansion, so they let all the couples plead their cases. They eventually passed that safety on to Blakely and Tony. Nick thought it was a bad decision – buddy, if you want to see a bad decision look at that tank top you’re wearing. Yowza.

Most people in the house were looking at voting out Lindzi and Kalon, so Kalon decided to target Rachel and Nick. After lots of mind-numbing conversation, Lindzi and Kalon were eliminated. They barely made a mark on the show, so they won’t be missed. I can’t wait to see where things stand with them at the live finale. I hope Lindzi knows how to travel light.

We’re beginning to get down to the wire. There are lots of spoilers out there on the Interwebs about the outcome of the show and some of the relationships, but out of respect to other readers please don’t post any in the comments. Now get down there and tell me what you’re thinking!×120/166981_chris-harrison-poses-backstage-at-the-grammys-dial-global-radio-remotes-during-the-54th-annual-gramm.jpg

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Bachelor Pad 2012 – Episode 5 Review – An Erica Rose By Any Other Name Tue, 28 Aug 2012 04:26:35 +0000 Hello dear friends, how I’ve missed you so! 

I managed to survive my week away and I have to admit, coming home and watching last week’s PVR’d episode yesterday as a mere fan, without my laptop burning a hole into my uterus, was kinda nice.  Sure, I managed to fold seven loads of laundry while doing it, but life just isn’t perfect. 

I think it’s probably better that it worked out this way because I don’t think my poor little heart could have taken the stress of having to capture Jamie digging herself into that hole last week using the power of the simple written word.  Between Chris’s monstrous ego, Jamie’s complete and utter naiveté and that blessed questionnaire, I truly thought it couldn’t get better than last week’s episode.

But then I saw last night’s.  Now this is the stuff dreams are made of.  By far the best episode of the season.  Honestly, I barely took notes because finally, at long last, this franchise has produced a riveting episode.  Other than Jaclyn’s shiny face and Erica’s heaving bosom morphing into additional boobs right in front of our eyes, and well, pretty much everything Blakely wears, I don’t even have any outfits to make fun of!  I was just too damn into it.  If there were nip slips, I missed ‘em.  Camel Toes?  Didn’t see ‘em.  It’s probably better that I didn’t take too many notes, because seriously, I have about 2000 emails to go through now (ah the joys of returning to work after a vacation) and the anxiety associated with this fact is sort of keeping me off my A game.  I promise next week, I’ll be back in full force.  No excuses.

Obviously the minute the episode began we were once again transported to a land where the whole world revolves around Chris.  It’s okay for him to lie, cheat and steal, but the minute something doesn’t go his way we have to watch him sulk and whine with his nasal voice all over the friggin’ house. I mean, I knew he was a huge loser from watching Emily’s season, but at this point he’s just like one big loser onion, every week revealing a new layer with a funky smell that sorta makes you want to cry.  He attacks Ed for essentially not doing his every bidding, throws a tantrum at Kalon, and then snuggles up with his last remaining supporter Sarah, who has to be the world’s biggest idiot for alienating herself from the whole house by attaching herself to him.  Way to think things through.

At some point, as the sun shines down the next day and people have had time to clear their heads, some new information surfaces.  For example – did anyone else know Tony was supposedly part of the Michael Stagliano alliance?  Did I miss something here?  Last I heard, Tony and Nick were doing body shots of egg whites off each other and then all of a sudden, he’s got Blakeley’s tentacles wrapped around him and he’s devastated by the tarnished relationships he thought he could depend on?  Who is this guy?

So the Great Fall of China rolls around and Blakely officially completes the stereotype we’ve all been conjuring up in our minds since she rolled into town on Ben’s season.  The girl worked at Hooters for thirteen years???  Are you serious?  I mean I get the whole after school job thing.  You do what you gotta do.  I sold kids shoes all through high school, but you know what?  That knowledge is still with me today.  There ain’t a salesperson in the burbs that can pull a fast one over on this babe, no sirree.  And twenty years lat—I mean, and several years later, I still know that my child’s winter boots should be at least one full size to a size and a half bigger than their shoes.  That job is like the gift that keeps on giving!  But thirteen years at Hooters?   In the amount of time it takes for a Jewish boy to become a man, Blakely is honing her ability to serve dipping bowls of wing sauce between her tits and accomplish a good pour?  What I would not give to have a copy of that girl’s resume.  I would put it up in my daughter’s room and pretty much write ‘become anyone but her’ on it.

So shock of all shocks, Blakely uses her ‘competitive advantage’ (dear lord), pulls out the win and proceeds to hump Tony’s leg, while Erica is busy hiding extra cups in her cleavage for a tea party later on with her other personalities.

Still high from her win, Blakely coaches Tony all the way through the guy’s round and I swear, if I were one of the other girls on the sidelines, I would have to, to quote Blakely herself, ‘donkey punch her in the throat.’  Listening to her tell him ‘you’re almost there, you’re almost there, keep going, keep going, keep going’ was about as comforting as accidentally hearing your parents having sex in the next bedroom – just one of those things you never, ever want to hear and will forever want to erase from your mind.   Why didn’t somebody make her stop???

Later, when it’s time to announce the date, we learn that Jaclyn has left not one but two indelible marks on Bachelor Pad.  First, obviously, the never-ending collection of backless or cutout mini dresses and second the ol’ ‘I’m taking someone who already has a rose on a date’.  I was really hoping they would pick Kalon and Lindzi for the second date because frankly, I love her and she’s had like four minutes of airtime this season so far.  And her hair always looks amazing.  Just sayin’.

Of course, Neil Lane found a way to weasel his way into this show too with the gorgeous diamond earrings for Lindzi’s date with Kalon and they definitely were not the only things that sparkled that night.  Maybe it’s too much country air the past week, but I am starting to think Kalon is somewhat sincere.  I mean don’t get me wrong – he’s still a total douchebag prick with a waxy face and a chin like a Disney character, but in terms of his feelings for Lindzi, he’s probably never been with a girl even remotely as down to earth and genuine as she is and I do believe he’s falling in love with her.  Cute much?

The best part of their date for me was that there were actually throw pillows provided for the hood of the car.  I mean seriously, that just makes a hand job blanket seem so old school, no?  Amazing.

Back at the house, Tony and Blakely are speculating as to what their overnight date could possibly be, despite the fact that no one in the house gives a shit.  A hot night in Vegas?  A day on a yacht?  A trip to the moon?  As soon as they started going on and on about the glamorous possibilities, I had a feeling their date would involve the wilderness – I mean we already knew it involved a cougar, but I was thinking coyotes and raccoons for sure and was not disappointed. 

I am still totally confused at this point as to how Tony and Blakely even talked at all in the house prior to this episode and even more confused as to how Tony could possibly hope for a romantic connection and believe that Blakely is the hottest one in the house?  Seriously?  Maybe if the house were actually a barn…

So they pull up next to the amazingly retro trailer and it’s as if Blakely clicked her heels together and recited ‘there’s no place like home.’

Their date consists of awkward moments (though kudos to them for actually eating their meal) and Blakely waiting for Tony, her dream ‘domesticated man’ who looks young enough to be her son, to kiss her.   Finally he works up the balls to romance it up a little.  Warning:  Extreme Sarcasm Ahead.  Beware of Falling Expectations.

‘I know’, he says to himself, completely unprompted by the producers sitting five feet away.  ‘Why don’t I turn the ol’ radio dial until I can hear some music clearly?  Hey now, here’s a good country song.  Hmm…catchy tune…now wait a second…this sounds a bit familiar…could it be?  Why yes!  I think it is!  It’s good ol’ manwhore Wes’s one and only song about love (and success, apparently) not coming easily!  What are the chances of me just happening to turn on the radio in the middle of nowhere and the song playing is none other than a Bachelor Alumni’s desperate attempt at a country music hit?  What a ‘coincidence!’ And the cherry on top?  It just so happens that I have the studio cut in my back pocket – why don’t we just blend in a clearer version over the car radio version so we can all hear this swell new song clearly?   

At this point, I’m not going to lie.  I became insulted.  I was going to give Tony some props for being resourceful and as cheesy as he is and as appalling as his taste in women is, who doesn’t love dancing under the stars (or with them if you’re Jake Pavelka)?  But do you think your audience members are idiots?  Does it have to be that contrived?  On a scale of one to annoying, that was really annoying.

In the meantime, back in the adorable world of Michael and Rachel who sadly were about to embark on their own final fantasy date, cuteness resumes.  As thoughtful as it was for Michael to prepare the balcony for them I have to wonder, why is no one using that secret fantasy room that there’s been on past seasons?  We know it’s there.  I think we can all recall Elizabeth dragging Jesse up there and raping him, no?  Why have none of the couples been hooking that shit up?

Sigh.  As the dates come to an end and the day of the cocktail party is upon us, the strategizing begins.  Of course, Chris thinks he’s at the wheel and all other housemates will follow his lead.  Perhaps instead of spending so much time talking people’s ears off about what’s owed to him, like he did with Tony when Tony mentioned he’s developing feelings for Blakely (nausea?  indigestion?), Chris could possibly spend a little more time washing his feet, no?  Just a thought.

Less annoying Chris pops his head into the party and throws the big twist out there, sending everyone into a strategizing tailspin.  But of course, before he can do that, he has to crush Jaclyn’s hopes and dreams one by one, in front of everyone in the house.  Nice one, dude.  The evening is a whirlwind of the usual lies, desperation and backpedalling.  I really thought Michael had his plan all locked up but then Chris unleashed the move of pulling Erica into the voting room and the rest is honestly a blur. 

I don’t know who is more heartbroken about the departure of Michael Stagliano – me or Rachel.  His departure, his repetition of ‘this is not going well’ featuring his signature brand of humor meets pathetic were like daggers into my heart as Erica pulled out her usual brand of charm when she doesn’t get her way.  She attempts to sound smart by waving her crystal gavel around and unleashing a flurry of accusations, but the depths of her intelligence are quickly revealed when she throws in a few gems, such as using the word alliance as a verb.  Oh Erica.  Why couldn’t you just do us a solid and rid the world of the plague that is Chris, once and for all?  I’m sure your dad could have amused himself by giving him a little rhinoplasty, or perhaps a lobotomy, while waiting for the show to wrap, like he does for all the other contestants, no?

Goodbye Erica.  For the love of god, your time here is done.  Do not return to any form of this show ever again, but just know that if you were to go on Big Brother, I would root for you.  Can you imagine???  Amazing.

And, that’s all for now.  As mentioned, I’m sure I missed some good stuff, but sometimes, it’s good to be just a fan.  Thanks for sticking around and a special shout-out to the whopping two people who commented last week despite the gaping hole in this blog.  I’ll try not to leave you ever again…unless my husband wants to whisk me away to some gorgeous island…then you can all pretty much suck it.×120/150045_bachelor-pad-2-cast.jpg

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Bachelor Pad 3 – Episode 3-4 Review – “Things Weren’t Already Ugly?” Sun, 19 Aug 2012 22:49:06 +0000 When Chris Harrison handed the Bachelor Pad contestants some nasty questionnaires to fill out for this week’s challenge, one of the bimbos in the house said “Things are about to get ugly.”

About to? What exactly do y’all think people have been watching all along?

Quiz Masters

This competition always does bring lots of tears, though, and bodily fluids are what Bachelor Pad runs on. Stag, who is officially a Bachelor Pad pro, confirmed that people would get upset. Thanks for the insight, buddy!

Continuing his campaign to steal King Jackass from Kalon, Chris thought it would be wise to cheer for Sara instead of his partner, Blakely. Jaclyn won the women’s competition, which was one of the worst outcomes, if it’s possible to rank people when you kind of hate them all.

The men’s round resulted in some drama for Jamie, who revealed that she wants to sleep with Chris (that wasn’t a secret) and that she thinks Jaclyn is the “most fake” person in the house. Anyway, Ed won. So another victory for gross people, yay!

Swing n a miss

Jaclyn got to choose one person for a one-on-one date, so she chose Ed. Sara was annoyed, but I’m not sure why. Ed is So. Gross. Sara is pretty. Why is she going after a washed up cheating drunk? It’s gross that they hooked up once, but it’s even more disgusting that she’s chasing after him like this. There are less greasy fish in the sea, Sara! Believe you can do better!

Because Ed already had a rose, Jaclyn was informed she’d have to give a rose to another guy – he’d be safe and he’d get to take another woman on a date as well.


Easy & Sleazy

Sigh. Is there anything more pathetic than watching Jamie throw herself at Chris? He is the worst! I still can’t get over the fact that he was on Emily’s season. Did she ever dodge a bullet there! Chris essentially said he doesn’t like Jamie at all, but she’s hot and he can’t stop looking at her boobs. Classy, dude.

Once the two were in bed, Jamie freaked out a little. But Chris can’t stand all that talking, so he kissed her to “shut her up”. I have a few ideas on how to shut Chris up, and all I need is to borrow a baseball bat from Jaclyn’s date.

If I have to hear Jamie talk about his big arms wrapped around her and his warm body pressed up against her, I will lose it. You are out of your league, sweetie, so go back to reading Twilight fan fiction by yourself on a Saturday night.

Another day, another girl

Jaclyn gave the rose to Chris because that’s what Ed wanted and girls always listen to boys when it comes to strategy on this show. So who would Chris take? Blakely, his partner in the competition? No. Jamie, the girl he spent the night “cuddling” (bull) with? No. He took Sara, because he wants to have fun. Chris is the worst. Somehow, Jamie convinced herself that Chris was being “loyal” and didn’t choose her for the date because he didn’t want to hurt Blakely. What? How has she convinced herself that she’s being protected? Why is she so delusional?

The date was making an action movie. Because that’s a thing people do. (You know they were just saving this date for the Gerard Butler lookalike.) And of course, the couple would be forced to kiss at the end. At least we got to see Sara kick Chris in the face. I’m going to pretend it wasn’t by accident.

Hilariously, Chris gave a speech to Sara about how much he likes and respects her. Um, does this dude even know what the word respect means? He hasn’t shown it.

Safety First

Chris wasn’t going to get to hand out a rose because he hadn’t won the competition. But Ed did get a rose to hand out, because he had. Blakely and Jamie were both campaigning for it, but I knew he wouldn’t give it to either girl. Instead he gave it to Rachel, because he trusts her and Stag.

Blakely and Jamie had some kind of conversation, and it was determined that Blakely is not interested in Chris – so yay, Jamie was free to be with him! She couldn’t wait for him to come home from his date so she could tell him that they can spend ALL their time together from now on. Except that as Jamie was twirling around and swooning over how “respectful” he is, he was making out with Sara in a hot tub and comparing all the women he’s hooked up with to trading in cars. CARS. He. Compared. Women. To. Cars.

Strategy and Sweet Talking

As the final newbie, Dave knew he was on the chopping block – he even already had a vote against him because he’d lost the challenge. (The fan lost the Bachelor trivia contest? Really?) He tried to get people to vote for Nick because Jaclyn would make the choice if it was a tie, and she said Nick was the only guy she’d send home over Dave. Jamie was going to be the swing vote.

Meanwhile, Chris was trying to get Blakely voted out. Chris said Jamie was loyal to him (is she, still?) as well as Sara, of course, and her apparent BFF Erica Rose. So even though he was voting out a member of the alliance, he was bringing more votes into the fold. But the other members of his alliance weren’t so sure about the idea.

Alright, enough talk. Who actually went home? Jamie and Dave. Man, nothing ever gets shaken up on this show. It’s been so boring – I mean, it’s always kind of boring but this season takes the cake. Yawn.

I hope Chris actually does go home next week.×120/166981_chris-harrison-poses-backstage-at-the-grammys-dial-global-radio-remotes-during-the-54th-annual-gramm.jpg

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Bachelor Pad 2012 – Episode 3 Review – Fluttering Reid Thu, 09 Aug 2012 13:26:48 +0000 Okay clearly somebody upstairs does not want me to watch Bachelor Pad.  For the third week in a row, I experienced technical difficulties – this time a faulty PVR recording – which left me missing twenty full minutes of the beginning of the show.  Thankfully, my very own Super-Fans saved the day giving me the deets of what I had missed, Kalon’s comment re: Erica eating her way through a hot sludge fun day Pac-Man style included (damn me for missing that comment!!!)  It was definitely touch and go for a while, but together we weathered the storm.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t get to start the show right along with you and witness the waste of screen-time with Sarah crying about voting out her booty call and the humour of Erica and Kalon, Houston’s finest, partnering up, but this week’s episode left me feeling like I needed more.  I jumped in during the heat of the competition as Michael Stagliano is officially fearful that David will be the competition’s big winner and Ed’s liver gives out forcing him to crash to the bottom of Pudding Mountain and come in dead last.  Again.  Despite the time it took to get myself all caught up and assess the situation, it didn’t take long for me to remember how much I loathe Chris and how much I did not want him to win.

If for no other reason than to piss Chris off further, I was happy to see David win the rose and even happier to cut to a commercial immediately of the upcoming Bachelor Canada.  Unfortunately, real life Ken Dolls aren’t really my type, so after about ten seconds of watching our upcoming hopeful-for-love Bachelor, AKA the unemployed CFL player twirl wine glasses in his hands wearing 14 shirts, I was ready to go back to the task at hand.

Of course the minute the competition ends, Blakeley, who looks like someone took a dump on her face (something I’m sure she would do, for the right price) goes searching for young David with her claws out to lure him into taking her on the date, despite the fact that everyone else seems to have cleaned up after the challenge. 

Since looking at Blakely directly was making me nauseous – well, more nauseous than usual – I had to focus my attention on David…and there it was.  It was unavoidable.  I had nowhere else to look and there was nothing else I could do to remove from my brain the fact that David also owns the hideous tank top that Ryan sported recently on Emily’s season of The Bachelorette and that had even spread through Big Brother this season like a bad case of Crabs.  Really, David?  For some reason, I thought you were better than this.   I trusted you, man.  And you let me down.

David makes his stellar date picks, which I can only hope were based on strategy and off we go to the most awkward four person prom ever.  Not that the dresses they got to put on were cute in any way, but I must admit I was happy to see Erica change out of that high-waisted number she was sporting before that left her sloppy boobs hanging precariously over her super-tight belt.  Hearing Jamie reminisce about her own prom debacle, which she unfortunately missed due to a weekend bender her crack-whore mom decided to pull made me feel terrible.  I mean the poor girl is sweet and nice enough after all.  So what if she’s a little bit stupid and has the worst taste ever in guys?  The poor thing was stuck in a trailer her whole life raising her siblings while her mom sniffed glue or something like that, so all things considered, she came out okay.  Which is more than I can say for Blakely, who no doubt came from a mobile dwelling place too, except in her case, it was more likely a horse and buggy.

So no shocker, Blakely chooses the most juvenile dress of the three to match her juvenile behavior.  After she attempts to make put Erica and Jamie in their places (who really weren’t acting immaturely if you ask me) by telling them she’s ‘not in high school anymore’, she proceeds to act fourteen by refusing to call a truce with Jamie, who (also in my opinion), doesn’t owe her anything.

In the meantime, David is practicing his dance moves, Carlton Banks style while waiting for his three dates and before we know it the four of them are hitting the dance floor to shake things up.  I officially cannot ever go on any of these shows, people.  How can you go dance with three other people, including jersey turn-piking yourself in a mini dress and not feel absolutely ridiculous??? 

Mercifully, the dancing ends, but then we’re forced to listen to Blakely bully and threaten her way into David’s heart.  Good on him for choosing Jamie for the rose – I mean it’s the least you can do for someone who actually considers this her real prom.  Mind you, I am still trying to remove from my brain, the comment Blakely made declaring David to be on her diarrhea list once the deed was done.  Just Ew.

Meanwhile, back at the house, there seems to be a large orgy going on, on a giant outdoor mattress, as Kalon and Lindzi snuggle up close, Nick and Tony are doing body shots off each other, Rachel looks adoringly at Michael as he plays guitar for the gang and – what’s that?  Over the other way?  Oh, that’s Ed trying unsuccessfully to hoist Jaclyn over his back without throwing it out.   Gotta say, if I were Jaclyn at that moment, I wouldn’t be feeling too good about how long it took him to get her up and over, if you know what I’m saying.  Then again, I’d rather watch him struggle to successfully complete a piggyback than struggle to complete whatever else was going on under those covers with Jaclyn.  The noises the other night with Sarah were funny the one time, but again?  Is this actually how Ed gets it on with a woman?  I guess we know he didn’t do too much sneaking into girls rooms when he was younger.

It’s no surprise that Rachel took Michael on her date, but I have to say, I’m a bit surprised that Nick and Tony got chosen as well.  Maybe because Rachel knew the only guy she had any interest in was Michael so might as well throw these guys a bone and let them leave the house at least once this season? 

The wax museum was pretty funny and I have to say, nothing like a man who’s confident enough to admit he peed in his jeans – god bless you Michael Stagliano.  Rachel did the worst job ever of being a mannequin and I can’t believe the fans didn’t notice her incessant blinking.  Maybe they were too busy talking about how pathetic Tony is while he was forced to stand there letting the rage build up inside of him.  Shame.  Guess the cat’s out of the bag on that one, Tony. 

Obviously Rachel chooses Michael to continue on with a private date but tries to soften the blow for the other two as best she can by telling Tony he is such a great guy and telling Nick that …he probably would have been the best at standing still? Uh…thanks?   Rachel and Michael settle onto an awkward looking chaise under a hand job tablecloth, with Michael’s head literally resting on a cement wall and they proceed to basically spend the rest of the night admitting that they like each other more than a friend.  I don’t know what kind of a number Rachel’s ex did on her in her past relationship to make her so freaking insecure, but on behalf of girls everywhere, since we’ve all been screwed over by assholes in the past, up yours, Dude.  Look at her now, snuggling up with the Stagmeister. 

Back at the house, yet another night of debauchery is in full effect that leaves me feeling completely confused.  For some reason Jamie is still intent on hooking up with Chris and at this point, she’s just looking plain delusional.  What part of him is attractive?  The part that looks like a washed up alcoholic?  Or the part of him that has Blakeley’s herpes all over him from the other night, when he proceeded to make out with Blakely while you cried directly above him???  Watching Jamie give one last attempt to throw herself at Chris while he fake-slept and gave her the brush-off was completely pathetic.  For the love of God, go hook up with Reid or something.  Maybe that’ll at least get him to stop running his mouth off for a minute!

And then there’s Sarah, not the sharpest tool in the shed, but then what can you expect from a stroke victim?  Aligning with one group and then immediately going to tell the other side of your plan, ‘just to be nice’?  Probably not the smartest move.  Then again, how dumb is Reid to trust that Sarah wouldn’t go running off to tell Ed that plan when she was clearly feeling visibly guilty about voting him off last week?  I have to say, Reid had a lot more going for him on Jillian’s season and I’m not just saying that because he swims around in a floaty.  He is clearly not the best liar – in the hot tub he couldn’t make a minute of eye contact with Ed and later at the cocktail party, he basically tried to tell Ed that it’s a game and some people wanted you out so I decided not to help you but don’t worry – we’re still friends.

It’s no surprise that as the cocktail party approaches, the underdogs have banded together to try to vote out the power couples and that the whole scene has been spearheaded by Erica, who now not only sleeps with the help, but has nicknames for them too.   And if outfits could be underdogs, I’d day we’d have to count Blakely’s, who once again brings matchy matchy to new heights (that I’d like to hurl myself from) and Michael’s patchwork windbreaker and tie ensemble.

Donna spends the next few minutes lamenting about possibly being sent home tonight – not upset because she may miss out on the money, but because she may be the only loser who goes home without hooking up with anyone on Bachelor Pad.  With about five minutes left in the episode, Nick awkwardly tries to change that status by planting one on her, but unfortunately, too little, too late.

The rest of the drama that evening unfolds around Reid, Ed and Jaclyn.   I’m not sure what Reid was thinking telling Jaclyn that Ed is guaranteed to go home and she should start thinking about other partners – I mean seriously Reid, it is not in any of our best interests to see Jaclyn cry.  At least she has the most giant glass of wine ever to help numb her pain from any number of things – Ed leaving, her dress cutting into her abdomen like a knife of the BIGGEST BRUISE I’ve ever seen on her outer thigh.  That thing was practically an accessory!    

Unfortunately, Reid shouldn’t have been as confident as he appeared because he got the old blindside.  He should have just stopped talking as soon as he realized it but had to mumble a few random things to himself as Jaclyn made the speech about them all being honest with each other going forward.  Um, yeah that’s gonna happen.  Goodbye Reid, we’ll miss you, but there’s only so much I can do over here from the comfort of my couch to help you.

So next week, I’m hoping we can pick up the pace a bit.  First and foremost, I’d like Lindzi and Kalon to surface from the pullout couch long enough for us to actually figure out what’s going on with them.  Secondly, I’d REALLY like to see the beginning of Chris’ demise because I officially cannot handle the thought of him as half of a power couple.  It’s making me feel sick and I fear it’s it going to get worse since next week Sarah gets in on the action.

My PVR better not pull any shit next week while I’m away, because I’ll have back to back episodes to catch up to when I return.  But it’s good to know that I can count on y’all in my time of need.

So remember the master plan next week, people.  Me:  Vacation with no access to the Pad.  You:  Bloggers with full access to my comments section.  Make it work, people and don’t forget about me!!!×120/150045_bachelor-pad-2-cast.jpg

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