411’s WWF Raw Is War Report 7.02.01

OK, I tuned into Raw two minutes late, so I missed the flashback opening. So, we join tonight’s show already in progress.

WWF Monday Night Raw 7.2.2001 – c) WWFE 2001

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Shot inside WWF NY, when No Chance in Hell fires up and out comes Vinnie Mac. Vince hits the ring and gets a mic ((good call, Tom, like he was going to ask for Cheez Dip)).

Anyway, Vince says the Invasion will be the day we will all finally see WCW vs WWF. Vince says there will be no Invasion, just an annihilation. He says comparing the WWF to WCW is like comparing DC to the state of Washington ((enter Cheap Heat “asshole” chant)). He then compares Booker T ((WCW Champ)) to Steve Austin ((WWF champ (duh!) )). Austin is a champion among champions he wouldn’t have said that two years ago.

Vince is just about to guarantee us something when Angle’s music interrupts him. Angle looks a bit peeved. Angle apologizes for interrupting, but Vince’s words were so moving, he had to come out. Angle wishes everyone should have a boss like Vince. Angle says Booker T lacks the 3 I’s. Some flashbacks from Booker T’s attacks. Angle says Booker T has been making Austin look like a jackass. This draws the breaking glass and an angry-looking ((as opposed to when he’s happy and cheerful-looking)) Austin.

Angle tells Austin to calm down and says he’s recovered from his “awe-inspiring” ((ha!)) performance at KOR. Austin wants to know when Angle became the big bodyguard of the WWF, and says it’s going to be very tough to protect anyone with Austin’s foot lodged up his ass. That’s a bit of old Austin, isn’t it?

Austin calls Angle a complete jackass, and tells him everyone thinks so. Austin says Angle’s a jackass, but Angle insists he’s a hero. Funny little three year old sparring with Austin saying “jackass” and Angle saying “hero.”

Vince tells them to go at it and both of them try to hug Vince. They get angry because only one of them gets to be Vince’s bed buddy. Thank the good Lord this is interrupted by Shane McMahon’s music.

Shane wants to know why an Olympic Gold Medalist and the WWF Champion competing for hugs. Shane wants to know if it’s the WWF or Sesame Street and if it’s Sesame Street, then tonight is brought to you by the letter I. The I stands for Invasion. Shane tells Vince Booker T will be defending the WCW Title tonight against Buff Bagwell in the main event. Shane threatens litigation if anyone touches them. Shane exits and the three guys in the ring get angry.

Cut backstage to the APA. They’re discussing the WWF mole. They’re trying to figure out who is letting WCW wrestlers in the buildings.

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Back from commercial with the tolling of the bell. The Undertaker and the Sarataker come out for:

Match 1: Undertaker vs Albert for the WWF Intercontinental Title

Damn, Taker is taking a bit of step down in an IC title match. Does anyone think that maybe, just maybe, DDP might be involved in this? Albert comes down alone, because THE MAN doesn’t need any help from his little bitch buddies.

Shot of Kane getting the Diamond Cutter. Kane tries to sell a Stunner. It doesn’t work.

ALBERT OWNS TAKER! For about 15 seconds, anyway, and then the Taker takes the kid to school. Albert comes back with a bearhug and actually LIFTS the Undertaker up with it, which is pretty impressive itself. The bearhug goes on long enough to make me think it’s the 80s, then Taker fights out to a pinfall, and goes for the chokeslam. Taker thinks he’s getting Albert up for the Last Ride. I smell White Trash yup, there’s DDP with a chair shot to the Taker’s spine. Diamond Cutter follows. Taker wins by DQ.

Page bails and looks at Sara. Sara draws Page’s attention long enough for Kane to sneak down the ramp behind him. Kane takes a few shots at Page and sets him up for Sarah. Sarah with a STIFF LOOKING kick to the nuts. Kane rolls Page in the ring to leave him to the Taker’s tender mercies. Albert makes the save (?) and gets pounded on. Page bails and leaves Albert to take the heat. Sarataker looks, I dunno, odd. Like I thinks she’s hot, but I’m not quite sure.

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Backstage, Torrie Wilson meets Howard Finkel in the back. The Fink grabs her hand and keeps shaking for a good long time. Not that I blame him, mind you. Torrie is looking for Vince. What do we do about having Tori, Torrie, and Terri?

Last Thursday on Smackdown, Crash Holly and Jacqueline got into it. But, they’ve made up. This match is an intergender, cousin-vs-cousin match:

Match 2: Crash Holly (w/ MISS Jackie) vs Molly Holly

Lockup and Crash gives Molly a shot in the face. Molly with two Hurricanranas and a Victory Roll is not enough to put Crash down. Molly gets pulled out of the ring and Crash goes to dive through the bottom and middle rope but misses and gets tangled up, nearly decapitating himself ((You F-ed Up chant ensues)). Molly gets back in the ring to cover for Crash. Spike up on the apron for the distraction and Jackie puts Molly on the corner. Jackie calls Spike over and turns on him. Molly hits her move (Molly Bomb?) for the pin.

After, Jackie beats up Crash.

Backstage: Austin, Angle, Vince, and Debra are arguing. Torrie interrupts them and asks Vince if they can finish their contract negotiations. Vince’s dirty old man voice and dirty old man leer in full effect. Debra says “once a cheater, always a cheater.” Austin calls her a yak. Austin and Angle bicker. Until Austin agrees maybe Vince did leave because he doesn’t trust someone.

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Exterior shot of the Tacoma Dome and we go back to Smackdown where Palumbo and O’Haire interrupted the Dudleys/Hardys title match and proceeded to get their asses kicked by the entire WWF locker room. Does anyone else find it odd that it takes the entire WWF locker room to beat up two WCW mid-carders?

Back to Edge and Christian’s locker room. Christian is still gawking over Edge’s trophy. It’s no crown and scepter. Christian gets a WWF Light Heavyweight Title Shot tonight and wants Edge’s help. Edge says he’s got it.

Regal tells Tajiri to watch out for the Worm in his match against Scotty 2 Hottie. Regal says Tajiri should have plenty of time to see it coming ((good point)) and goes through a rather comical coaches’ description of it. The Duds interrupt this to ask why they, the WWF Tag Champs, have a match against Chris Jericho. Regal says it’s a punishment. Great, Jericho in a handicap match as punishment. Something new.

To Hardcore Holly and the APA. Hardcore Holly is not the stooge they’re looking for. Bradshaw says they’re not accusing him, but he needs to think about who it might be. Couldn’t you start with the guys who jumped from WCW a couple months ago. Like Malenko or Meng??

To Torrie and Vince. Torrie wants Vince to spend the weekend with her so she can show him she’s willing to do “anything” to get to the top in the WWF. Vince uses the SUPER dirty old man voice to emphasize asking her what she’ll do to get in the WWF. Torrie gets the cue and then Austin comes and interrupts and asks Vince why he’s having contract negotiations in the shower. Heh. Vince has no good excuse. You know, for a guy who’s having divorce proceedings filed against him, you think he’d be a little more careful than to make advances on a hot blonde chick on live national television.

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Last Thursday on Smackdown, Tajiri got pinned by the Worm and millions in Japan hung their head in shame.

Scotty’s hair is more behaved nowadays. Tajiri makes his entrance to Regal’s music. Gladly, they quickly realized the first draft of Tajiri’s music sucked.

Match 3: Tajiri vs Scotty

Scotty has much more offense against Tajiri than he should be allowed until Tajiri gets the Tarantula. Scotty sells it for three second before making a big comeback, and doing a sitdown powerbomb. Exhanging chops. Scotty with a kick to the gut, and then a kick to the face. Oooh, he doesn’t want to start exchanging kicks with Tajiri. Acutally, yes he does because then he’ll get the crap kicked out of him. And here comes the Worm. Hopefully Regal’s couaching will work. YES! Green mist in the grill as Scotty goes for the shot. Kick to the face for the pinfall.

To Torrie and Vince in a mop closet. Vince is in dirty Trish mode. Vince starts kissing Torrie on national television ((men shiver all around the world)). This time Angle interrupts and ears a super dirty look from Mr McMahon.

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Booker T’s trying to get a Pepsi, but the machine won’t take his dollar ((the man trying to keep him down!)). Booker introduces himself to Test and Test talks about getting a WCW title shot.

Match 4: The Dudley Boys vs Chris Jericho in a Handicap Match for the WWF Tag Titles

Double team by the Duds. Jericho makes a quick comeback and tosses D-Von from the ring. Buh Buh tries to drape Jericho and damn near tosses him from the ring. D-Von back in and the double team starts again. The ref finally gets Buh Buh out and the Duds go into quick tags to take Jericho apart. Then, more double-teaming. Well, this is certainly one sided. The Dudley’s beat up Jericho some more. D-Von goes to backdrop while Buh Buh climbs the ropes. Jericho reverses the backdrop and bulldogs D-Von. Luckily, Buh Buh waited on the ropes long enough for Jericho to finish. Jericho gets D-Von into the Walls. Buh Buh pulls the referee from the ring just as D-Von starts to tap. Buh Buh knocks the ref out and gets a table. Spike gets the Acid Drop on Buh Buh and puts him on top of D-Von. Buh Buh rolls from the ring, Jericho with a Lionsault on D-Von’s head. Jericho wins the Tag Titles by himself.

Back to Torrie and Vince. They start making out which is very dirty. Torrie’s breasts look almost as fake as Debra’s. Not quite but close. Anyway, a toilet flushes, interrupting the intimate moment and Saturn walks out. “Doodie . You’re welcome.” Torrie and Vince leave.

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Comes back to Benoit’s surgery footage. It’s the same package they showed on Heat. Read the recap here for it. Nancy “Woman” Sullivan makes her raw debut.

Match 5: Christian vs X-Pac for the WWF Light Heavyweight Title

I have to fight nausea as X-Factor’s music kicks in, but I persevere for you folks. X-Pac. Jumping headlock check. Backflip with the leg on the opponents neck check. Overuse of “educated feet” check. Reactionless Bronco Buster check. Anyway, it’s a by the book X-Pac match. If you’ve watched one, you’ve watched them all. X-Pac wins with a belt shot.

Backstage, the APA figures out that Test must be the stooge, because he wasn’t there for the attack on Palumbo and O’Haire, or at the limo. One of the ref’s comes out and tells them that the last time he saw Test, he was talking to Booker T. The APA decides to call an “emergency mole meeting.”

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To WWF NY, where Tazz is hanging out for the night. One of the waitresses asks Tazz how he his and Tazz gives her a look. A kid in a Tazz shirt asks for an autograph. Flashback to Smackdown, where Tazz demanded an apology for Michael Cole from Austin, and then got his mauled by Austin.

Match 6: Rhyno vs Test

Last week on Raw, Mike Awesome powerebombed Rhyno through a ladder.

Tonight on Raw, I think the APA is going to interrupt this match. Call it a hunch. In the ring, Rhyno is taking it to Test. On the ramp, the WWF lynch mob comes out to watch. As soon as Test starts getting the upper hand the mob comes down to the ring. Test either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. This just turned into a Lumberjack Match. Test goes for the Problem Solver on Rhyno. Rhyno reverses, goes into the ropes, and catches a big boot. Ref gets distracted and Test gets caught with a Clothesline from Hell then gets Gored for the pin. Post match, Test gets beat down by the WWF Locker Room which includes Jerry Lynn.

Coming up: Lita and Matt vs Trish and Big Show

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Match 7: Lita and Matt Hardy vs The Big Show and Trish

Big Show starts beating the hell out of Matt Hardy, including a press slam that takes no effort. Trish gets all confident and Matt beats her down. Lita tags in, and the two start going at it no, not that way. Hair beal by Lita I thought she was the face. Lita goes for the Litacanrana on Big Show and damn near gets powerbombed. Matt makes the save. Matt and Show to the outside, and a Trishdog on Lita. Not enough for the pin. Show back in the ring with a chokeslam for Lita Matt for the save chokeslam for Matt nope, both of them kick him in the nuts and DDT him. Lita up the ropes for a Litasault. Lita gets the pin. Post Match: Show freaks out and throws Matt and Lita from the ring. He gets mad a Trish and starts yelling. Jeff makes the save with a missile dropkick.

Backstage: Torrie and Vince again. Vince wants to consummate the relationship tonight. Trish knows of a little place they can go.

Backstage to BUFF BAGWELL! Hoo-hah. I hope they don’t let him use the “I’m buff and I’m the stuff” as his music. Shane wishes him luck. Buff tells him he doesn’t need luck, because he’s buff and he’s the stuff ((**sigh**)). Buff says he’ll be the new WCW champ after tonight. Shane reiterates good luck.

So, a WCW mid-carder gets a shot at the World Title tonight. Good Cripes, couldn’t they at least have used Page or something?

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Backstage, the Locker Room celebrates for plugging the leak. Sgt Slaughter comes backstage and tells them it couldn’t possibly be Test, because he was with Slaughter at the time. The Locker Room realizes they got the wrong guy.

JR and Paul E says the show is turned over to WCW, and they are not responsible for what happens. JR and Paul E leave. WCW lighting takes over and Shane comes out to the center of the Ring. Nick Patrick ((hey, cool!)) is in the ring in a new WCW Ref shirt. It’s actually kind of nice.

Shane introduces the guest ring announcer Stacy Keibler and the WCW commentators. Scott Hudson and ARN f’n ANDERSON!!!! Nice. Good call on Lawler being back, Dave. Anywho Lukewarm reception for AA ((mark bastards!!)). The music sounds kind of familiar, but I don’t really recognize it. Anyone know if it was Arn and Tully’s old WWF music? Stacy starts the intros when Regal’s music interrupts. Regal says that, while WCW gets to have a match, Shane does NOT get to be there so security is there to escort Shane out. New WCW Logo on the mic, too. Shane says, that’s fine, because the promotion is about the stars, not the promoter.

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Main Event: Buff Bagwell vs Booker T for the WCW World Title

Booker T is in the tribal, underwear trunks instead of Harlem Heat fire trunks. My question, is why didn’t they pick Stevie Ray as a commentator. Bagwell comes out the “Buff Daddy” music lord. You know, I’m typing this so fast, I can barely respect how special of a moment this really is. I’d use the word “surreal,” but I expect to hear it roughly 437 times before Wednesday is out.

Match is on. Think Buff and Booker have any jitters? Nice touch, they even replace the WWF logo on the side with a WCW logo. Booker does a spin kick and falls over. Hudson goes into shill mode, he learned from Tony. Bagwell is owning Booker and does his little prance thing. WWF fans boo him YES. The crowd starts chanting something and everyone in the audience is looking to the side at something else. Buff into a rest-hold probably to weather the crowds looking off in the distance. Booker makes the comeback. Buff is getting hardcore booed. Booker T makes his comeback, just in time for Austin and Angle to make the run-in. Austin, Angle, and Buff all start beating down Booker T. No bell?

The beatdown continues up the ramp as Nick Patrick tries to restore some order. They beat Booker all the way backstage.

Cut to Vince and Torrie in the laundry room. Ugh, this is as creepy as Trish and Vince. Torrie strips Vince completely naked ((ewwww)) and then Torrie leaves. Vince turns around to see Linda watching him. Has everyone forgot about the match?? Vince got got.

Ah, here we are, back to Booker T getting beat down. Austin throws Booker into some stuff. Boxes, doors, and what not. Why is the WWF locker room not helping? CONSISTENCY, PEOPLE!! They throw Booker outside. Buff looks to celebrate with Austin and Angle and they both turn on him and toss him outside next to Booker.

And we’re out.

Well, I guess it wasn’t too bad a show, but the WCW takeover left me a bit underwhelmed. I think they should have done it somewhere in the south if they have one coming up on their card. The crowd distraction at the end also made it kind of tough to tell where they stood on it. If you’re going to promote a WCW vs WCW match on the card, at least let us have it. Tomorrow, I take a shot at dethroning Widro for the most activity in one week as I update the rankings.

End Transmission.