411 Weekend News Report 9.8.01

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Monday Morning Flasher is brought to you by Stuff I Think and Shouldn’t Say, the music section’s most written column by a guy with red hair.

Newsflash! Insidepulse Columnist Grut Comes Back From Retirement For 21st Time, Immediately Fails To Deliver.

Insidepulse has learned that Insidepulse Columnist Grut has officially un-retired for the 21st time and will be doing the new weekly Monday column. At a un-retirement ceremony held yesterday at Rosey’s Pork and Beer Funatorium in Flushing, Queens, Grut addressed a captive crowd.

“It is truly an honor to be back,” Grut said to a screaming audience of thousands. “I know that as the Monday news anchor, I hold the hopes and dreams of Insidepulse in the palms of my hands. I promise to report only the facts, to dig deeper into the lives of these heroes who risk their necks everyday to entertain us and to tell you whom among them is gay. I know now that I have a real job to do, a fan-base to rebuild and new Internet women to find online and kind of hit on, thinking I may one day sleep with them only to discover they’re dudes. This time I shall not let you down, I will not retire two months from now and if I do, it will be with little fanfare. Thank you! Thank you!”

Grut continued, “Now, I know you read the fliers and are expecting special guest Fall Out Boy. I apologize, but that was a misprint. Nevertheless, I am back! God bless you all!”

Grut bolted for the back exit as the hysterical crowd of fanatics surged towards Grut, most probably trying to touch their hero. Grut made it to the awaiting limo (subway car) before the rabid fans had reached him. There is no word on his current location, so stop looking for him.

Insidepulse will have more details on this story as we get them.

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Monday Morning Flasher is brought to you by The Botterm Dollar In News #5, celebrating its sixteenth year of celibacy. Nude Trish photos coming up!.

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Newsflash! Randy Orton Returns To Ring And Making Candice Michelle Feel Uncomfortable.

In the biggest story of the past week, Randy Orton has returned from suspension to the WWE. At last night’s ECW PPV he returned to the ring against Kurt Angle, and tonight on RAW he will return to making Candice Michelle feel uncomfortable.

“It was really a great match,” said Kurt Angle. “Orton has a lot to contribute to the product.”

“It’s good that he’s back,” said an uneasy Candice, constantly glancing back and forth. “He got the help he needed, and I really thought he’d be returning to Smackdown. I mean, all of us girls were kind of hoping he’d be returning to Smackdown, just because they need the name recognition so badly. I guess some things just can’t be taken back though.”

“The kid has all the potential in the world,” said Ric Flair. “He can be a 20 time world champion.”

Candice nervously twirled her hair before continuing. “I mean, hey, I’m a team player, you know? Hopefully I’ll get to work with Randy sometime in the future. We can do a promo where he’s in the ring and I’m at the top of the entrance ramp, or he’s at the top of the entrance ramp and I’m in the ring, whatever. Maybe he can be in the ring and I can appear on the Titantron while I’m in the dressing room, or back at my hotel maybe.”

“Randy’s one of my best friends in the business,” said Batista. “I wish him all the best.”

Candice Michelle asked a passing superstar, “Have you seen my bag? Has Randy been near my bag? I just want to know where my bag is.”

Insidepulse will have more on this story as we receive information.

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Monday Morning Flasher is proud to announce itself a friend of the Insidepulse Figures Section. Flasher and Figures: Finding new places to put toys since 1971. Nude Trish photos right after this!

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Newsflash! WWE Already Working On John Cena Tribute Show.

In what he could only describe as an unpleasant surprise, John Cena was taken aback when WWE asked him who he would like to speak at his tribute show in the case of his untimely death.

“I didn’t know how to answer that,” said Cena. “I’m still a relatively young man, you know? It’s not like I take huge risks in the ring. I’ll have the occasional beer, but I keep my partying to a minimum. I got at least five decades left, ya hear?”

Cena talked more street as he continued. “So I thought, yo, this be something they do for all the wrestlers. But I asked my boy Carlito and my homey Umaga what dey said, and dey waz all, ‘Ain’t nobody talk to me bout dis.’ And I waz all, ‘Word?’ Hey, y’all know what da manage-MENT be sayin’ bouty bouty?”

When asked for comment, WWE officials denied that they had any knowledge of the planned tribute for the still living WWE superstar, although Triple H said he had no idea with the biggest shit eating grin on his face.

Cena continued to devolve in his manner of speech, requesting I put in numbers and single letters where I could in place of words and to replace the letter S with the letter Z. “Zo den dey took me 2 dis room dey gotz zet up at Titan Towizzelnerz, and dere B dis zpinnin’ WWE zymbol on a tombztone. I waz all, ‘No U did-ent!'”

Insidepulse will present you with more information as we receive answers to our queries.

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Monday Morning Flasher sadly announces that its web feud with Moodspins has been put on hold while Moodspins updates. However, this would be a great time to take some cheap shots as they’d have no chance to respond. Umm, Matthew Michaels wears glasses! Four eyes! Freak! FREAAAAAAAAAAAAK!

Just a few more paragraphs until the nude Trish photos!

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Newsflash! Female Wrestler Files Injunction To Stop Mandatory Pregnancy Tests Before Matches.

A 19 year old female professional wrestler from Missouri is challenging the state law that all female wrestlers must present a note from their doctor stating they are not pregnant within a week before a match.

“This is unfair! A pregnancy test at a doctor’s office costs at least $60.00,” the wrestler said. “And do you have any idea how much an abortion runs you? That’s a few grand down the toilet. Part of the reason I became a wrestler was the health care plan, in that a few matches will kill the baby inside you without question.”

“I gotta sleep with guys to get gigs, and they don’t always like to wear rubbers. In addition, we got the after parties and all the fans are buying me drinks, so maybe I get a little wasted and sleep with a few people at a time. So yeah, I’m going to get pregnant a couple of times a year in this business, and if the Missouri fat cats thinks I’m capable of raising 5 to 6 kids a year, they’re dead wrong. I make forty bucks a night, I have three teeth, and I’m swimming with VDs. I can’t raise a child! Look at me. Look at what I’ve had to resort to.”

The wrestler then resumed hitting herself in the uterus with a lead pipe.

Insidepulse will have more details on this story when Ben Morse returns from holiday.

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Newsflash! Bubba Ray Deadly Pleads For People To Stop Throwing Chairs Into Ring.

In the main event at Friday Night’s TNA house show at the ECW arena, Bubba Ray Deadly, one half of the Deadly Brothers, requested that a fan throw a chair into the ring. One fan threw a chair into the ring, followed by another, then another, until the entire crowd was throwing their chairs into the ring.

“Thank you, but please, we have more than enough chairs. I only needed one,” said Bubba.

That did not stop the fans. From the upper balcony chairs were hurled into the ring. Disabled fans required help, but they were able to throw their wheelchairs into the ring. People charged backstage and found the chairs the wrestlers were using to sit on, brought them out and threw them in the ring as well.

“For the love of God, I can’t find BG James! You’ve buried him! Stop throwing chairs,” cried an increasingly distressed Bubba.

At this point a fan broke into the basement of the bingo hall and found a collection of five hundred metallic folding chairs. He told the crowd and they rushed to the basement, grabbed the chairs and brought them to the main floor, where they proceeded to throw those chairs into the ring as well.

“I’m begging you, I made a mistake! I’m sorry! Please, please, stop throwing chairs into the ring,” Bubba begged the audience.

All out of chairs, the crowd exited the arena. Unfortunately, they quickly discovered the all night 5 cent irregular chair outlet located next door. They are still throwing chairs into the ring as I type this. Bubba is still pleading with them to stop, and BG James is assumed dead. The National Guard has been called in, but there are only three left to defend America.

Insidepulse will have more on this tragedy as it continues.
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Flasher is proud to announce the award for wrestling column of the week goes to Tom Daniels for Cheap Heat! In a close second was Mark Neely’s NeelDown iMPACT Zone, the best TNA review on the Internet. There was no was no third place column, and if you’re upset that you didn’t come in third, you don’t have your priorities right.

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Newsflash! As Promised By The Tagline, Nude Pictures Of Trish Stratus!

Insidepulse has discovered a gargantuan amount of nude Trish Stratus photos at a various number of websites. Click here for all of them!

Next week: Nude pictures of Gail Kim!

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That’s all for the Flasher! Write to Grut and let him know he should fix his broken e-mail link.

May your week be as informative as reading this article was.