The Midnight News 10.18.01

Archive

Hi. I’m Joshua Grutman, otherwise known as Joshua Grut because of a horrible decision I made when I sent my first column to Hyatte when he was still posting the fan showcase columns. I’m your new news recapper for Wednesday and Thursday. The Wednesday column I’ll usually do during the day. The Thursday column I’ll do at night. Two other recappers shall appear in a few days. The odd thing is that all three of us were brought here by Hyatte. As far as Hyatte goes, some one once told me they hated a butt kisser. I guess I’ll say bye, and then turn and walk away as a single tear rolls down my DON’T GO CHRIS! WE NEED YOU! I NEED YOU! DADDY! DADDY, DON’T GO INTO THE LIGHT! DADDY, I LOVE YOU! NO! DADDY, COME BACK! PLEASE! I CAN’T DO THIS ALONE! Do you hear that? Do you? It’s almost like a whisper. A WHISPER FROM THE GRAVE!

Oooooh. IIIIII fuuuuuccccckkkkkeeeed yourrrrrr motherrrrrrrr upppp theeee asssss whiiiiillllee yourrrr dadddddeeee watcheeeedddddd! Sheeeeeeee looooooooveeeed ittttt!

Now then, because no news report was written last night, I got a LOT to do. I mean a lot. And so many plugs to give out. No wonder Hyatte quit, having to plug some of this cra… crassly good 411 opinion columns! No, I’m kidding. I love each and every column. BRING BACK THE HANGING GARDENS! Oh, one for old times sake:

Hunter (smells riksihaius butt cheeks please Rikishaiu dont fart in my face agan.

Rikishaiu boinsai!!!

Tajiori ooogaboogaYAKIYAKI!

Stone cold i hate you guys.

NEWS!!!

HEAT IS STILL ON IN GREAT BRITAIN, AND IT STILL SUCKS! (both the country and the show)

If you live in England and don’t want Heat spoiled for you, send me an email. I’d be shocked if you actually existed. Also, go down to the next news item.

Albert beat Tommy Dreamer, who the WWF is just wasting! They should have him in the ring every night taking chair shots to his back like he loves to do. Besides, if the WWF crippled him, Droz would have a friend.

Chuck (or as everyone but Marcy calls him Charlie) Palumbo beat Funaki. Weren’t Funaki and Taka getting really big pops a couple of months ago? WWF must have gotten heat from MTV’s Fight For Your Rights. I remember a commercial with a tiny Asian guy.

Can you do a huracanrana?

When you speak, do your lips move like you’re speaking Japanese but badly dubbed English is heard?

Do you say IN DEED?

Are you E-VIL?

Do you want to choppy choppy my peepee?

Go to Fight For Your Rights dot com for more information.

Anyway, Kanyon and Hugh Morris lost to the APA.

X-Pac beat Crash. They were both still angry after the match, but then they kissed and had make up sex in the middle of the ring.

Rhyno beat Billy Gunn and Steven Richards lost to Scotty 2 Hotty. Oh well. And life goes on.

SMACKDOWN IS CHOCK FULLO MCMAHON MANIA! Watch baseball

Okay, let’s try this spoiler free. I’ll be vague.

Rock and Jericho get into each other’s business again.

Maven is still on Smackdown, but now he’s joined by Nidia.

Undertaker and Kane team up against Test and Booker T.

RVD fights Kurt Angle with a surprise guest making an appearance. I’ll give you a clue. It made me Happy, but I’d Have to say that who you think I’m talking about, it’s not Him.

I swear, this is my first day. If any of you bitch about spoilers I’ll send Williams to your house. The man is armed and dangerous.

MICK’S STUPID KIDS BOOK SELLS A LOT OF COPIES. I SWEAR, IT’S AWFUL. HE PERSONALLY MAKES AN APPEARANCE IN THE BOOK TO LOCK SOME MONSTERS AND KIDS IN A CELL TO TEACH THEM THAT CANDY IS THE REAL MEANING OF HALLOWEEN. DO NOT BUY THIS BOOK!

Mick Foley’s Halloween Hijinx will debut at No. 8 on the New York Times Children’s Picture Books best-seller list for the week of Oct. 21. Coming in at No. 9 will be George Carlin’s Amorous Arbor Day. The following bit came from WWF.com. Huzzah.

And now, a public message from Widro

Hello. I love you all. You are all my children, and I would gladly die for your sins. The site should be readable now for WebTV users. While site stats indicate that less than .1% use WebTV, you are certainly a vocal group.

Thanks to Yohann Tremblay for linking me to the Windows WebTV emulator Microsoft has for use web deisgners. If you want to see how the other half (or .1%) live, Click here to download the program.

Welcome back WebTV users! My blood shall heal the lepers. Drink of it. My… GRUT! I was being Christlike! I didn’t mean to really drink my blood! Ow! You bit me! GRUT!!! I said NOT to drink my blood! Knock it off! STOP IT! IS THAT A CRAZY STRAW? What are you doing? No. No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

And now, a public message from Joshua Grut

Slurrrrrrrp.

WHO’S WATCHING THIS CRAP? NOT HYATTE. NOT MOST PEOPLE

WWF Raw did only a 4.1 rating on Monday, which is tied with June 11 as the lowest rating for Raw in 2001.

The first and second hour both did a 4.1, and the final quarter hour dipped to a 3.9. This is odd, and I think the WWF is in panic mode. I have a feeling that they think that Angle and Austin and even Rock aren’t drawing in any new fans. I’m honestly picking RVD this Sunday. This came from the wrestlingobserver.com. Have you ever seen a man snarl? No? Go there. Trust me.

HELEN HART NEAR DEATH

Slamwrestling.com, I think that’s the website, reports that Helen Hart is almost dead. Poor old girl. When asked what the difference was between dead and almost dead, Billy Crystal said, “When she’s dead, all you can do is go through her pockets for change.’

Bret Hart reportedly feels angry. Yesterday he shouted towards the heavens, “THAT’S IT GOD! YOU’RE ON MY LIST!” He wrote down the names of God and Jesus underneath the names of Vince, Shawn, Eric and Sunny.

Poor Helen. Good luck guys.

WWF SUES EVERYBODY!

Well, no. But they did sue because of something about a trademark and they won’t show the PPV this Sunday on DirecTV. I’m not sure about all of the facts. It’s all on the newsboard. Who really cares who the company sues anyway? Are you going to see any of that money? I know I’m not.

Is that it? Yeah, pretty much so.

TELS EVIGS MEHTS GULPS

I’m not on AOL, so maybe Widro will help me with the links. He does it anyway.

Ron Gamble’s back, rapping with the young folks about religion. Wait, no, he’s booking the WWF. Good for you Ron! May God punish the bookers if they don’t follow your plan to the letter!

Daniel Benovitz, a nice Jewish boy, gives us his top ten favorite finishing maneuvers of all time. #1? RIC FLAIR! I gotta hand it to the kid. He writes the best 411 top ten column ever! Since I started writing here, at least.

This week, Joe Rivett asks us if Tom Zenk is going to be the next Bret Hart. What, does Zenk have a brother that Vince is plotting to kill?

Craig Letawsky takes a non-homosexual journey to Gridro’s field of love as he answers YOUR questions this week in an all new Ask 411! Good stuff. He really goes into detail. I guess if Letawsky is in the field of love, we need to rename the team Gridosky. We’re a team, right Widro? The three of us! Right?

Right? Widro? Where’d you go?

Widro went here! He wrote a new column. It’s big and beautiful and about why RAW rocked and sucked. Isn’t it funny that when you take the first two letters of both rocked and sucked and mix em a bit, you get Ruso?

Well, it was bound to happen. I RAN CHRIS HYATTE OFF THE INTERNET! I DID WHAT DUSTY, SLIM… ah, screw it. Read this. It’s last night’s news by Flea, but there’s only one piece of news. Hyatte is apparently dead. It’s at times almost touching, but usually just angry. Really, really angry. Hyatte’s saying he’ll never write on the net ever again. Well, I’ll wait a few months to see if he means it. You wind up missing that which pains you the most to do. Anyway, good luck Chris! Have fun living in Rhode Island!

CLOSER!!!

GOOGLE SEARCH RESULTS

Wanna see how many hits all the ‘big time’ wrestling reporters get, as well as some of the not so big reporters? Let’s do it!

Chris Hyatte – 320

Bob Ryder – 3,100.

Scott Keith – 5,380. Did I misspell Hyatte’s name?

Sean Shannon – 1,040. Now I’m sure I misspelled Hyatte’s name. Let just try…

Hyatte – 1,430. Better, a little at least.

CRZ – 20,600. Hmm… let’s try

CRZ + Zimmerman – 3,730. Now I’m impressed.

Wade Keller – 1,960.

Dave Metzler – 6,610. Seems to me someone is king around here. Unless…

Dave Scherer – 3,670. Nope.

Mark Madden – 5,030.

Dusty Hyatte – 145

Shannon Hyatte – 182

Zimmerman Hyatte – 253

Joshua Grut – 35. Hey. I’m shocked. Honestly, I thought the joke would be that I had 0. To be fair, only 3 aren’t 411 columns.

Widro – 1,450

Jeremy Borash – 666. I KNEW IT!

Joshua Grutman – 0

Chris Williams -1,100,000. Hmmm.

Chris Williams + 411- 52,700. HMMMMM!

Chris Williams Hyatte- 92. Should be more then that. Damn your common name! Just to be nice, let’s place it at 2,000.

Now let’s finish this off with one wrestler’s name. How about Chuck Palumbo? Let’s see what he gets.

Chuck Palumbo – 8,820.

Well, Scherer and Ryder are Metzler’s bitch and Jeremy Borash is the devil.

Get used to me. I plan to be here for the long haul! Four months at the most.

Joshua Grut farts in Hyatte’s face. It’s a fart of love.