Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 10.23.01

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One death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. – Joseph Stalin.

It is now clear that America plans on intentionally targeting the Afghan people. – Mullah Abdul Salam Zaeef, Taliban ambassador to Pakistan. What was your first clue, the bombs only falling on Afghanistan? Or did you think that the US was also bombing, say, Costa Rica?

Okay, everyone who bet that I wouldn’t be on the same site with Scott Keith ever again, pay up, you deadbeats. I’m here at 411 now, starting off the new post-Wrestleline era of dominance this site will experience. And aren’t you happy you’re in on the ground floor of it?

I shouldn’t need an introduction, but for those of you tuning in late, I’m Eric Szulczewski, former Tuesday News columnist at The Shooters and The Smarks. For the last eighteen months, I’ve been doing this little gig, and now it’s for 411. A lot of people say that I own Tuesdays on the Net; modesty forbids me from agreeing with that assessment. However, if you’ve never been exposed to my particular brand of Bacillus anthracis, you’re in for a fun time. Let’s get right in on it, shall we?

LET’S CLEAR UP THE MISCONCEPTIONS, OKAY?

First of all, I’m not replacing Hyatte. Widro offered me a slot the day after I was fired from The Smarks (I’ll get into that in a second), which was long before Hyatte’s departure. Frankly, no one can replace Hyatte. He and I may have had it out a few times (for instance, me calling him a “pigf*cker” before I knew how much Shannon fit the definition better), but we made our peace a long time ago, even doing a segment of The Edge together before I had to give up my co-hosting duties on the show due to a change in my job schedule. When The Smarks threatened to go down earlier this year, Hyatte suggested to Widro to make an offer to me to come here, and it would have been where I’d gone if TSm had gone down. Hyatte was sui generis, and I’m going to miss him. He and I as colleagues on the same site would have engendered screams from the vicinities of Dayton and Toledo that would have, by sheer sonic force alone, destroyed Al Snow’s hometown of Lima when the wavefronts collided.

Now, as to who did what to whom, why, and when a few weeks ago at The Smarks. I haven’t spoken publicly about my termination, so let me unveil what happened. It wasn’t Scott who fired me, it was Jeremy Botter; Scott agreed to it after the fact. It wasn’t only because of the Barbara Olsen incident, either. It had been building up for some time. Scott and Jeremy both told me (one during the fact, one after) that there was simply too much heat generated by my comments for the site to endure. I agreed with their assessment and went away gracefully. JJ and I are still good friends, and I’ve told him that I don’t blame him one bit for his judgement call. So those of you who thought that I would shoot on TSm in my first column back somewhere else, you lose too. There’s nothing to shoot about.

A lot of people wrote me right after that, saying I was better off without them, and that they’d miss me, and that they’ll be looking forward to wherever I was going (and I thank those people for that). I told people that I was going to take a little break, see if I could watch wrestling as a fan for a while instead of a commentator, etc. Actually, I was supposed to come back last week, but my schedule didn’t permit it. That was kinda good considering the chaos this site descended into last week. However, I’m here now, and that’s all that matters.

There were rumors floating around that I was Slash’s mystery arrival. That’s a big no on that score. CRZ never contacted me. So disabuse yourselves of that notion.

SO, ARE YOU REALLY HAPPY ABOUT BARBARA OLSEN OR WHAT?

Now, the question everyone’s asked me: do I regret saying what I did over at TSm about Barbara Olsen? No, I don’t. I believed it on September 11th, I believed it when I wrote it, and I still believe it. She was a horrid woman and her presence will not be missed on my end. The fact that other conservative columnists, especially Ann Coulter, tried to turn her into some kind of martyr was a disgrace to all of the real martyrs out there. Was it tasteful to use the events of September 11th in a polemic against her? No, it wasn’t, and it wasn’t meant to be tasteful. It was about as tasteful as using someone’s marital problems to grind political axes, and, gee, that’s exactly what Barbara Olsen did in her book “Hell To Pay” with the Clintons, wasn’t it? Conservatives are pussies; they can dish it out, but can’t take it. I would have followed it up, by the way, with stating that Rush Limbaugh was now Tommy, since he was already dumb and blind and that he only had to add the deafness. I play dirty, folks.

The fact is that there were many people out there who missed the whole point of the opening of my October 2nd column. If the whole thing had been read, instead of everyone focusing on the Olsen comments, they would have found a polemic against government in general as practiced by the Dubbaya Junta. I started off the column with a quote by Trotsky, for God’s sake, about ending the fallacy of the sanctity of human life (Commies are great quote fodder, BTW; look above). I went into a rant about the proposed SSSCA, truly an evil piece of legislation (and one whose leading sponsor is a Democrat, so I can be bipartisan when need be), and one that’s coming up for its first hearing this week. I then went after the glee shown by Fixer-In-Chief Ted Olsen when his staff at the Solicitor General’s office got Bill Clinton de facto disbarred before the Supreme Court. That led to the crack about his late wife. So the remark was made in the context of a general rant about the state of government. My feelings about certain people in government can be expressed in this way. Let’s say that my master, the Prince of Darkness, appears before me and says, “Eric, for your long, faithful service, I am going to reward you by offering you the choice between one of two high-level deaths. You get to pick which one. Your choices are Osama bin Laden and George H. W. Bush. Who do you select?”. I wouldn’t hesitate for a second before choosing Bush. There’s evil, and then there’s Evil.

My crime was not treating the events of September 11th with complete solemnity, and that’s why people freaked out. My emotional response to the whole situation ended on September 13th, and I went on with my life. I’m not going to stop the world just because of this. It didn’t inconvenience me personally, and it didn’t affect me personally. Everyone’s different. Here’s the point, folks: it’s my column, not yours. I don’t have to reflect anyone’s feelings but my own. I’m not going to change my behavior or my opinions to suit some kind of popular consensus. I never have before, and I never will.

Here’s another thing that people missed: I only said that I was pleased that Barbara Olsen was no longer among the living. I never said anything about being pleased that September 11th happened in the first place, or that I was pleased that anyone else had died. One out of five thousand, that’s it. But people made that jump across the Gulf Of Illogic to assume that I’m some kind of complete monster. Let ’em. I’m of the Machiavellian school where ’tis better to be feared than loved. And if you think I was callous and repulsive with Olsen, wait until Reagan dies. Then the fireworks begin.

That’s enough of that. For the sake of the newbies, I’m going to let everyone in on the ground rules of my Tuesday column (I’m also going to be doing the Wednesday News, which will be more wrestling-oriented). If you’ve been around since the beginning, you know these already. However, consider it a public service.

THE GROUND RULES

1) “Flex” is the name of Duane Johnson’s face character; “The Rock” is the heel character. I came up with that name since it’s probably the most insulting thing I could call him without delving into obscenities. It’s my most Frequently Asked Question, so I put it here at the top. Yes, I have promised that if Johnson is ever turned heel again, I would start using the name by which you know him best, and I plan on keeping that promise. I also promised that I would stop hating him as much as I do, and I plan on keeping that as well. And in case you’ll be wondering, “Trip” is HHH. “Trip” is actually easier to type in for a 90-wpm touch typist like myself than “HHH” is.

2) The column will essentially be in four parts. The first is usually a look at the current news of the world at large. The youth of today don’t get enough of hard news, so I feel it’s a service to bring it to you. After that, I usually cover general sports stuff in short bits. After that, Raw. I’m going to keep the Short Form that I developed over at The Smarks, since it seems to work really well and it’s liked. After that, general wrestling news. So if you’re here to read only wrestling news, just move your scroll bar down.

3) These are long columns. So those of you who are used to bite-sized news packets in the old Samuda mode, go elsewhere.

4) I will be expressing opinions that do not jibe with what the tyrannous majority thinks about things (mostly in regard to Flex, like the fact that Jericho carried him at No Mercy). You may want to write into me to express your differences. You may do so. Your chances of a response increase if you use the English language in a proper fashion and you present a logical, intelligent viewpoint. Everything else will be ignored.

NOW FOR THE ACTUAL COLUMN CONTENT…

Just a couple of short comments on No Mercy. First of all, Jericho was given the title for lack of anything to do with him, not on merit. That’s a damn shame. The question becomes what to do with him. The answer is simple: make he and Booker full-fledged tweeners, and feud (spelled F-E-U-D, kids) them against each other, making sure to get rid of Shane in the process. The promos alone would be worth it, and it’d be interesting to see who Jericho would team up with in the inevitable tag confrontation against Booker and Test (Tajiri, perhaps?). Edge is in the same boat right now. The ladder match should have been a blow-off with Christian, who needs to develop an identity not connected to Edge (and can do so in the Alliance). Who does that leave Edge with? Rhyno? Tazz? Maven? (Of course, Raw helped answer that question. Namely, it’s Rhyno.)

ANTHRAX RIPPLE

I’m a little disappointed that anthrax is being used as the biological weapon of choice. It’s not immune to antibiotics, its symptomology is well-known, and there are vaccines. Personally, I would have gone for something gene-tailored. Remember all those rumors that AIDS was developed at the Army’s labs at Fort Detrick? Well, that was just Soviet disinformation, but it does underscore the capabilities of what can be done with a little bit of mutation here and there. If you want to kill, get something that’ll do the job right.

Face facts, folks: it’s only terrifying because it’s microscopic. People don’t deal well with threats that aren’t perceived easily. I was around for the beginning of AIDS, and this is unfolding just like that did twenty years ago, with all the attendant panic, misinformation, and rumors. Giving into a mass psychosis is just letting whoever did this know that they succeeded in their goal: to terrify people, not to murder.

Then again, the vaccine’s no blessing either. I had a number of friends go down to Saudi when I was in the Army during the Gulf War, and when one of them got back, she told me about a nasty little incident that occurred there. She was woken up at 3AM and told to get into formation, dressed in what she had on. They were lined up and given injections, and if anyone asked what was in them, they were threatened with court-martial. Turns out it was an experimental anthrax vaccine. It’s pretty well assumed right now that the combination between this vaccine and the use of personal insect repellant is the cause of Gulf War Syndrome. Today’s vaccines are direct descendants of that one. So if you’re thinking of getting shot up, just a heads-up.

WHY SHOULD I HAVE SYMPATHY FOR MASS MURDER VICTIMS WHEN…

The families of five victims in the Columbine school massacre are now suing Solvay Pharmaceuticals because one of the teenage pranksters had therapeutic levels of the anti-depressant Luvox in his system during the gunplay. Now, Luvox is one of the few anti-depressants I haven’t taken, so I don’t have first-hand evidence on its potential for psychotic behavior, but this is getting ridiculous. It totally removes the sympathy factor for any of the victims or their families when the litigation starts flying. What happens if we find out that Mohammed Atta was on Paxil? Does the US arrest the board of GlaxoSmithKline for being accessories to terrorism?

THE “REAL” SPORTS SECTION

The first-place Bears…you know, I just typed it, and I’m still shaking my head. The. First. Place. Bears. I don’t believe it. It’s too good to be real. We Chicago fans will know how real it is when the Niners come to town on Sunday, though. And if they win that, it’ll be 5-1 Chicago hosting 4-2 Cleveland. Talk about a mindf*ck. It’ll be a nice week for me and my pal BFM, a long-time Browns mark. We can argue to death about that one, especially given my history of certain disparaging comments about Cleveland sports.

(Explanation For Newcomers: I detest Cleveland sports, mostly due to the arrogance of the Indians and the cluelessness of the fans, who disgust me to no end after a year of listening to Cleveland sports-talk radio. I take great measures of schadenfreude in any Cleveland loss. This year’s spectacle with the Yankees was orgasm-level pleasurable.)

That being said, the Bears look to be for real. Anthony Thomas is a lot better than I thought he’d be. But I’ve got a lot against Michigan in the first place, so that colored my view. Same with Terrell. Of course, he’ll have to step it up now that Robinson’s out for the year. I’m taking a wait-and-see on them until after the Niners game.

Congratulations to Mark Grace, a complete class act, on finally getting to the World Series. Wonderful guy, great baseball player. I heard rumors that he played baseball in Chicago, but I don’t remember him on the White Sox. Must not be true, then.

(Explanation For Newcomers: Yr Humble Author was raised on the South Side of Chicago and has been stuck in many a traffic jam surrounding Wrigley Field. Therefore, he does not acknowledge the existence of the Cubs. Sammy or not.)

A GREAT LITTLE LINK

http://www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/war.html

Just a warning: the link contains mature themes, strong language, and the same sort of opinions that got me fired from TSm.

NOW FOR THE SHORT FORM…

Again, for those who don’t know, The Short Form is split into two sections, Match Results (with, duh, match results and my general commentary), and Angle Developments (more of my commentary on the angles shown in the show). If you want more details, go over to Scott’s rant.

Match Results:

Lita and Trish Stratus over Ivory and Molly Holly (Pinfall, Lita pins Ivory, Litasault): Was this match really necessary? This was obviously the “get some camera time for the women not involved in the PPV match” match. Even the pinfall was telegraphed from the start of the match: Get Lita her heat back, protect Molly’s heat at all costs. Trish playing Ricky Morton is slightly disconcerting in some way. The saddest part about all of this: all four women showed more workrate than UT has in the last year.

Yoshihiro Tajiri over Billy Kidman, WCW Cruiserweight Title Match (Pinfall, Yakuza kick, New WCW Cruiserweight Champion): Imagine there’s no X-Pac…it’s easy if you try. If that was true, this would be the money match for the lightweight guys in the WWF, and it’s a bit of a shame that it was stuck in the third quarter of Raw. Not as great as if they were given fifteen on PPV, but that’s what we all want, and it was sweet for the time given. Hopefully this could set up a true unification bout between Tajiri and Suck-Pac, with Waltman getting his face mashed in. Ten points to Heyman for bringing up Kidman and Wilson being together in WCW.

Kurt Angle over Rhyno, WCW United States Title Match (Submission, AngleLock, New WCW US Champion): In my little discussion about Edge above, I had to edit out a remark about whether they were going to do a unification match between Edge and Rhyno or whether Rhyno was going to drop the US title before that. I got my answer. But why to Angle, and what is Angle going to do with the WCW US title? That thing’s been dead for God knows how long. It wasn’t important for years before WCW’s death (ever since it played a key role in Goldberg’s advancement). It didn’t help that the match itself dragged and dragged. I’ve never been a fan of Rhyno, even in ECW, so I was predisposed to not liking the match anyway. But to program this for the transition quarter? I’m wondering yet again if they know what they’re doing in Stamford.

Bradshaw over Hurricane Helms, WWF European Title Match (Pinfall, Clothesline From Hell, New WWF European Champion): Speaking of gimmicks I don’t like, here comes Helms. I’ve said it a bunch of times, but since this is a new site, I’ll say it again: this gimmick has way too much potential to pull a Terry Taylor on Helms. I don’t like the guy, never did (especially in WCW), but I don’t wish that fate on anyone. Getting the belt off him is a good excuse to expand the gimmick, and throwing it over to Bradshaw is a nice little reward for almost having his career killed with two bad gimmicks (the Ministry and Stan Hansen impersonator). Let’s see what kind of material they can give him with that belt. Please, don’t let it be an APA breakup.

The Undertaker and Kane over Booker T and Test (Pinfall, Kane pins Test, Tombstone(!)): Well, by compacting them into one match instead of two like at No Mercy, they only wasted half our time. Kane got his job back from Test, so let’s hope that’s the end of this little melange. Dreadful, dull match, but that was assumed going in. You know that someone, somewhere, is going to mention the propriety of using the Tombstone in the same arena where Owen died (my money’s on Scott). But let’s hope that the green light is back for the move and UT can ditch the Last Ride. He’s got to do it before Nash comes in.

Rob Van Dam over The Big Show, WWF Hardcore Title Match (Pinfall, Five-Star Frog Splash): Hey, the setup for the Van Daminator made sense! That might be a first. It’s kind of a guilty pleasure to see TBS in a hardcore match no-selling everything in sight. His problem is that when he takes down the straps, it looks like he’s wearing a girdle, and given his weight problems, the last thing he should remind the audience of is a girdle. In the mark mind, having a clean pin over TBS does help Van Dam’s credibility, so I can understand it from that perspective. What I fear is that it may come down to a choice between Van Dam and Jericho for the Final Push To The Upper-Card, and one of them will lose out.

Chris Jericho and The Guy He Beat At No Mercy over Buh Buh Ray and D-Von Dudley, WWF Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Said Defeatee pins D-Von, uranage, New WWF Tag Champions): Okay, it’s been a few years since they’ve done the “tag champs who can’t stand each other” routine, so they think it’s time to revive it. Too bad I’m apathetic about one of the parties and loathe the other. The match was relieved only by the presence of my Beautiful and Beloved, Stacy, at ringside.

Angle Developments:

Let’s Play The Feud, If It Isn’t Played Out Already…: One must wonder how much of the opening promo was a shoot (at least one line was: Shane’s crack about Austin needing twelve staples in the back of his head was true). The good news is that it’s going to be Winner Take All at Survivor Series. The bad news is that everyone’s already betting on a Trip run-in that decides it. The best news is that we didn’t have to watch Vince and Linda kiss (Shane is a great hero for that, a lot better than that pussy Jean-Luc Picard, who failed in his mission to prevent said ugly moment at the end of the show). So is the Alliance angle going to be blown off? No, not until Hall and Nash get in and establish themselves. Set a target date of Wrestlemania for that.

So what’s the match going to be? What I’d like to see is this: Vince proposes an old-fashioned Survivor Series match, then Shane changes it to something that emphasizes WCW’s pedigree: WarGames. A five-on-five WarGames match for Everything. The sides? I think that it’d only be appropriate that WWF title holders would have to fight for the WWF and WCW title holders for the Alliance. Vince and Shane are givens for their teams. So a team of Vince, Austin, UT, Angle, and Flex would be appropriate for the WWF. The Alliance would counter with Booker, Jericho, Van Dam (who will drop the Hardcore title for the purpose of being in this match), Shane, and a mystery partner to be named at the event (which everyone will know will be Trip). The ensuing chaos would be wonderful to behold. Trip turns and allows Vince to pin Austin (or him) for the win. You can imagine the next night’s promos.

The Not-So-Odd Couple: Felix and Oscar reborn as Regal and Foley. I can deal with that. Regal can reach more into his facial expression grab bag, and Foley has full license to do outrageous things to create conditions for those expressions’ use. They’re longtime friends, so they know how to work well together (although Foley has to wait until the camera fades out to make Regal start losing it; I caught what happened going to fade out during the Connect Four promo). This should be terrific.

Positively Boring: Page’s gimmick sucks, really hard. However, he’s having such a blast with it that you can’t fault it for anything but slurping away airtime. And a small portion of the crowd starting chanting along with “That’s a good thing”. Establishment of a catchphrase is a good first step in getting a gimmick over. The WWF has had a habit of getting gimmicks that I hate over, so it’s no surprise. Judgement is out on whether Kane has got a program with Page or whether we’re going to have rolling apply-the-finishers each week in order to get Page over by his lonesome.

AND NOW FOR THE REST OF THE WRESTLING NEWS…

Well, Bob Ryder, aka Chester The Molester, got his old buddy Eric Bischoff to comment about Chris Jericho’s left-handed dedication of his title win at No Mercy to Bischoff (the “shove it up his ass” comment). To save you the trauma of heading to 1bullshit, let me summarize the particular points:

1) Bisch said that he wasn’t the only who’s held Jericho down. After all, it took him two years in the WWF to get a world title shot. This, of course, is a lie. Jericho has had world title shots before, and even held the belt for that infamous fifteen minutes on Raw until he was Dusty Finished out of it.

2) Bisch “never recalled” saying that Jericho would never get a world title shot. In other words, he said it. Even if he hadn’t, it would have been a fait accompli considering that if it had been presented backstage by one of the bookers, Nash or Hogan would have put his foot down before anything came out of it.

3) Bisch felt that a match between Jericho and Goldberg would have been a horrid idea, and proceeded to justify it. Actually, I agree with that assessment. It would have been a horrid match, but considering the number of matches Goldberg had in WCW that broke three snowflakes could be counted on one hand, that isn’t surprising. What is surprising about the spin on Bisch’s part is the subtle indication that Jericho was blackmailing Bisch into a contract renewal by presenting him with a “title shot or the highway” scenario.

4) Quote Of The Week Material, and a complete understatement by said Mr. Bischoff: “Looking back at the six years that I ran WCW there are choices that I made that I wish I hadn’t. Some that I didn’t make that I wished I had.” Gee, you think?

5) Here’s another interesting quote that I’d like to deconstruct: “There’s a reason Chris didn’t get a title shot at the Rock when the WWF was building the Rock’s character and the momentum that made him such a huge star.” I’d say that by August 9th, 1999, the WWF had built up Duane Johnson and they were already riding the momentum. It is, however, a convenient excuse if you take into account other possible title-holders that Jericho could have faced: “Oh, you can’t go over Trip because we’re building him up.” (okay, he did on that Raw, but still…) “Oh, you can’t go over Angle because we’re building him up.” Bischoff’s right on one count, that Jericho got cemented into the upper-mid-card because of the log-jam at the top and was placed into feuds that would allow him to keep his position but not get elevated. But he’s wrong putting the onus on Flex. That excuse wasn’t valid at the time Jericho got to the WWF.

6) What’s left unsaid in all of this is that the only person who thinks that the WCW title has any importance or legitimacy is Eric Bischoff. Certainly we fans don’t anymore. That’s what the WWF needed at the very beginning of the Invasion, someone who not only appreciated WCW’s legacy, but took it seriously and could project that to the audience. Those titles could have kept their legitimacy and importance instead of being buried and disregarded. I can’t even remember off the top of my head who holds the WCW US title right now (okay, it’s Rhyno, but I had to think about it). Back in April I was saying “Bury the hatchet and bring Bischoff in.” Nice to see that the Torch now agrees with me.

Scary news out of Japan. Hayabusa, the longtime top star in FMW, was very seriously injured during a match at Korakuren Hall on Monday against Mammoth Sasaki. He was attempting a quebrada when he undershot the flip and landed directly on his head. FMW has publicly announced that he is conscious, but has no feeling below his neck. He had just come back in May from elbow surgery, and FMW was relying on him to bring in crowds. Hayabusa’s been the butt of a lot of jokes over the years, but I think I speak for everyone in hoping for a recovery. I’ll try to follow up tomorrow if FMW provides any more info, which they’re expected to.

Ditto what’s going on with Wahoo McDaniel. He’s in a hospital in Charlotte right now, having suffered what’s been called a mild stroke. He has some impairment on one side, but his speech isn’t affected. He’s been needing a kidney transplant for a while now as well. Here’s hoping for his recovery as well.

Reading the WWA results from Australia makes me miss Nitro in a very strange way. I kinda took the crap that they showed every Monday for granted. Guess you really don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Here’s the Russo-booked, Borash-presented results from Adelaide:

Juvi and Psychosis over Lenny and Lodi (who are doing the gay gimmick, according to reports)



Norman Smiley over Crowbar, hardcore match

Road Dogg over Konnan in, naturally, a dog collar match

Danny Doring and a female partner over the First Couple of Goth, Gangrel and Luna

Nathan Jones (a mammoth local product) over Disco Inferno

Jerry Lawler over Stevie Ray in an “I Respect You, Announcer-Man” match

and your main event, Buff Bagwell over Jeff Jarrett

Only in a Russo show, or the stupid imaginations of the marks, would Bagwell-Jarrett be a main event. There was a lot of use of old themes and entrances, which wouldn’t sit well with the WWF if they cared about that. However, if Russo and Borash ever got it into their minds to team with Jimmy Hart and present this to someone in television, they might actually have the makings of a second major. Okay, a good-sized minor with some well-known names, but still closer than anything else right now.

Chilly Willy of ECW fame has joined the Army and will be shipping out on November 1st. 1bullshit just gives you his timetable, but this old soldier figured out exactly what he’s going to be doing. Willie’s doing Basic Training at Fort Benning, to be followed immediately by Basic Infantry Training, also at Benning. After that, he’ll be going to Fort Drum in New York for what’s obviously Advanced Infantry Training specializing in mountain warfare (that’s what Drum specializes in). Here’s wishing him luck. I know how much Basic can suck.

On that, I’m closing this puppy up. See all of you tomorrow, and play it safe out there.