A Wrestling News Report 10.26.01

Archive

Well, I got some very positive responses to last night’s column. I just want to clear something up, and Widro didn’t say anything to me about this. I don’t hate Eric S. and Scott Keith. There is nothing personal in my jokes. I don’t hate any other writer on the Internet. There is no reason to hate anybody else. No one has attacked me, and making jokes does not mean I hate anyone. I love you all. Except for you. Yeah, you Widro. You broke my heart.

How about them Yankees? And once we get rid of some of the dead wood next year, we’re going to be even better! Anybody who hates the baseball symbol for New York at a time like this is not a nice person. Also, anybody who hates the Yankees and the wrestling badass symbol of America, the Undertaker, well, they may be a terrorist. And if they hate both of these things and they’re not even an American citizen, they must be considered dangerous. If you know anybody like this, E-mail me.

Just kidding! Stop! Please.

News!!!

HHH AND AUSTIN TO MAIN EVENT WRESTLEMANIA. Stephen Richards very insulted.

Right now the WWF writers have HHH and Austin penciled in for Wrestlemania. However, with the turbulent landscape that the WWF has become, Wrestlemania may very well be headlined by Christian vs. Rhyno vs. Brock Lesnar. Huh. Imagine if his name had been Brock Elli.

Thanks Torch!

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Bryan Clarke had a different contract then Brian Adams which has led to some sort of silliness. Having a y in the name Bryan makes you a woman. Observer.

Excess will air at 8 instead of 10. Great! There goes my Saturday night.

The WWF Tough Enough CD is #99 on the top 100 Billboard charts. Damn you Momma Mia soundtrack! Damn you to hell! Observer

The December pay-per-view name has bounced around like a bouncing ball, finally landing on Vengeance. It was because of the internet URL or something. I dunno. Observer.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER YOU’LL EVER DO. ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER, UNTIL HULK HOGAN MAKES IT THE NUMBER TWO.

Hulk Hogan and Jerry Lawler and Jimmy Hart will be filiming the first episode of XWF in mid-December. Sting will be involved. Lawler will start off screaming about puppies and eventually break down to sobbing about how sometimes at night he reaches out to grab the cooch and can’t feel nothing.

Also, Lawler had a meeting with Vince. Vince told him to finish his divorce and he could come home, because the WWF is his home. Lawler burst into tears and thanked Vince.

XWF. Yeah. Putting X in front of a successful brand is always smart.

Torch

COPY AND PASTE PICK O THE WEEK!

WWF TO GIVE intertnte. reifunds foped bafikdf sieorio



After the nightmare that was the webcast of WWF No Mercy on WWF.com, the WWF has finally relented and is planning to give everyone who ordered the event a full refund.

Up until now, they were only giving refunds to those who complained vehemently, but now all will get their money back.

Here is the email sent from the WWF to its webcast customers:

Thank you again for participating in our test-stream of the WWF No Mercy Pay-Per-View event. With so many orders, we understand that many of you have yet to be contacted directly for your full refund. Rest assured that if you ordered the live stream of WWF No Mercy on Sunday, October 21st, you will be given a full refund on the $14.95 charged to your credit card because the event was not up to the WWF’s 100% satisfaction.”

“We hope you will continue to take part in WWF.com Pay-Per-View events in the future.

1wrestling.com

Is that it? Yeah, that’s about it.

HERE COMES SANTA PLUGS, HERE COMES SANTA PLUGS, RIGHT IN SANTA’S WIFE’S CRACK

Steven Schwenke is back with another Schadenfreude. It deals with the Princess Bride. I loved the movie, so I should read it. His work is always very, very good.

Joe Rivett takes out time for a take on who will be a the next Mic Foley. It’s not who you think. READ IT OR DIE OF SUSPENSE!

MY WEEKLY SMACKDOWN OPINION



I watched up until the part that Linda got smacked. The opening interview was good. The battle royal was good. Molly vs. Trish was good. It was all good.

LDJSG

Warning: This has nothing to do with wrestling. If you’re one of the many people who hated Hyatte because he talked about other things besides wrestling, you don’t need to read this.

From this point on, you can no longer consider me an internet wrestling thingy guy. I am now Love Doctor Joshua Stephen Grutman, here to answer all of your love queries and other things that you may be interested in. This week I got a couple of really long letters from people with real problems. I also received one from a person claiming to be Eric S. Do not send in letters to me pretending to be other internet wrestling thingy guys or girls. The point of this column is to help people, not hurt them.

Now for my first patient.

Hey,

I just started reading the stuff on 411, and since in your column you ask for some love queries, here’s a bundle for you to chew on. What?

Anyway, when I informed a friend (CO) that a mutual friend of ours, and lady I loved and wished to spend my life with, was depressed because CO was working too hard and not getting any sleep while she was “loafing around”…well…he said something to her that would not help her mood at all, and I told him that I thought that was the wrong thing to say. Unfortunately, he made an error in judgment and assumed that I also had a plan in mind for what to tell her. He tells her that I told him to tell her that he *isn’t* working hard. Uh, I didn’t say that! Now I just look like I’m a little manipulator. Here’s where I make my giant mistake; I get so worried that something’ll go wrong, I overblow the situation and make it worse by overreacting. So when she asks me if I said that, I said no and that he must be lying, which to me it kind of seemed like he was. She is stuck between our arguing until she finally, of course, sides with him because of a promise and believes that he is telling the truth. Neither of them listen to me at all. So I end up looking like a jealous, vindictive manipulator (since the lady I love went out with CO until April and admits still has feelings for him).

That part of it is all over with, as I’ve reconciled with CO. However, the lady I love is a bit…well, pissed at me. According to CO, anyway. However, she recently talked to me online a couple times, and the basic thing is she’s made me promise to take walks and soul search, attempt to socialize (since I have a problem starting and holding conversations with people I don’t know, and sometimes with people I do), and not go to my friend’s No Mercy party as she had ‘bad feelings’ about it. And we’ve chatted twice since then, once she just told me good job and keep up the good work and the other she was concerned about CO and was just plain chatting. Now, I wish to know, what should I do from here to try and be with her? She knows my feelings for her, but has said she needs time. Another thing is, CO says that the promises she made me make were to forge me into someone she’d want to love, while I think she’s trying to push me off to find someone else. What do you think?

Heh. Have fun with this!!!

-M. Cusenza



What a good question! I think both of you need to do some serious soul searching, especially you. I once saw a Tales From the Crypt that suggested the soul was located in the back. It’s a bright glowing circle. Don’t remove it, though! You’ll turn into a soulless monster, and I don’t think either of you want that.

Also, if she’s trying to push you off to find someone else, she is evil. She is evil and must be cleansed. I would use holy water and bleach.

Finally, try to find another girl to take out on a date. Then tell this woman all about it. If she gets upset, she still wants you. If she doesn’t, she’s a lesbian. When you find out that she’s a lesbian, ask if you can watch. If she say yes, take pictures. Send the pictures to me.

Good luck M. Cusenza!

OK, here is my question.   Why don’t women really want nice guys?  All you ever hear out of women are these lines: “I want a nice guy”, “I want a sensitive guy who will listen to me when I have problems”, “I want the kind of man that is not afraid to cry (not that I do of course, never, ever)”, etc. etc. etc..  Bullshit I say!  Then why do women stay with men who abuse them, call them names, and generally treat them like shit?  Women say there are no nice guys left, I say that is because once nice guys figure out that women don’t really want nice guys, the formerly nice guys turn into assholes just so they can get women.  Bah humbug, women suck.

M. Tripp



Good question M. Tripp! There are many theories on why women don’t want nice guys. Here are three of them!

1. Women don’t want nice guys because they want to be beaten.

Women obviously want to be beaten. It comes from a psychological complex developed when they were children and they’re daddy spanked them and it turned them on. Most women want their daddy to give them a spanking 24 hours a day. Why do you thing they go to the bathroom in pairs? There, they pretend to be each other’s daddy and spank each other.

2. Women don’t want nice guys because they want something to complain about to their other female friends.

Women love to bitch and moan and shop and bleed once a month. It’s what they do. If a woman is with a guy who treats them well, she has absolutely nothing to complain about when Rhoda or Carrie calls up to talk about Steve, the football team captain who’s screwing them both. She’ll have to listen to both of them bitch about their boyfriend, and if there is one thing women hate more then you, it’s listening.

3. It’s not that women don’t want nice guys. Women don’t want you.

That’s right M. Tripp! Women don’t want you! Women want me. They want Widro. They want Flea and Hyatte before he died and Chris Williams is married! We’re all nice guys more or less, and women want us! Women do not want you. Women do not like you. I’ve talked with several women today, and it was going well until I mentioned your name. They burst out laughing. You are a joke to all women everywhere. Even really fat and ugly women don’t want to get with you. M. Tripp, women do not want you. Consider a name change or plastic surgery.

Good luck M. Tripp!

Dear Dr. Grut,

I’m just coming off a bad relationship with a girl. We met through my friend Jason, and his girlfriend Whitney.  Whitney was, my girlfriend, Shawna’s bestfriend at the time.  Me and Shawna dated for about a month and half, until I got tired of the way she treated me.  Anything I’d asked her to do, she’d do it.  I mean she waited on me almost hand and foot. She was always offering to buy me things, dinner and clothes, she was always like “do you need anything, honey?” and “can I get you this, babe?”  And I she was

always offering to pleasure me in new and exotic ways, I just got so sick of her attitude!  I got so sick of her.  Finaly I had to tell her I couldn’t stand to be with her any more, and we broke up.  She broke my heart.  I couldn’t believe it was over after all this time.  Now, here’s my dilema, Whitney and Jason have since broken up and me and Whitney have been talking for the last week or so.  Would it wrong of me to sleep with Whitney just to get back at Shawna?  Love your column, hope you can help.

Sincerely,

Wonderin’ In Illinois

Wonderin’, the only wrong thing you can do is to not sleep with Whitney. Video tape it and send it to Shawna. At the end of the tape tell Shawna you’ll take her back if she gives you ten thousand dollars. Send half the money and the sex tape to me.

Good luck Wonderin’!

If you have any questions for LDJSG, send them to me and I’ll answer them in the order I get them. Thanks for reading.

This is Love Doctor Joshua Stephen Grutman saying have a good weekend and enjoy Flea and Eric.