The SmarK Rant For WWF Hardcore DVD

The SmarK Rant for WWF Hardcore (DVD)

– Tradition. Heart. Two words that have lost meaning throughout the years with the abundance of titles in the wrestling world, but throughout all of the changes from the turn of the 20th century until the turn of the 21st century, one thing remains consistent: The Hardcore title.

Newer fans who think the title was created in 1998 may be surprised to learn that in fact the title was around for nearly 100 years before that point! The first documented evidence of the Hardcore title comes in 1903, a couple of years before the NWA claims that the World title was founded. The first Hardcore champion was Irish brawler Ralph “The Irishman” McGuirk (fighting out of Nebraska), who won the title by shocking the audience with a punch in the 14th round of a scheduled 28 round wrestling match against rival Pete “The Dog” Taylor.

The title was never lost by McGuirk, as he held it with pride and honor, revolutionizing the budding “hardcore” genre with his pre-match interviews, where he’d threaten to use such vile weapons of destruction as “body slams” and “loaded .44 Magnums”, and in fact he rarely had to wrestle his matches – one scatching pre-match interview was usually enough to frighten his hapless opponents into forfeiting moments before the actual match. On occasions where he actually did have to step in the ring, one threat of a punch or body slam was enough to send the opponent scurrying. My, how the papers the next day would rage over his use of such unorthodox tactics like punching in a wrestling match! It is whispered that the public was so upset with the shenanigans of McGuirk that President Warren Harding himself challenged the “Nebraskan Nightmare” to a greco-roman rules wrestling match at the White House in 1923, but conveniently died the day of the match in order to avoid the inevitable beating.

McGuirk retained the Hardcore title until his enlistment in the US army for World War II in 1939, at which point it was declared vacant and offered to Lou Thesz. Thesz pretty much forgot to ever answer the question, and so the Hardcore title lay dormant until 1979, when a WWWF employee found the belt buried in a pile of souvenirs from Jess McMahon’s promoting days. A tournament to re-determine the Hardcore champion was scheduled for the same night as the tournament in Rio DeJaneiro that crowned Pat Patterson the first Intercontinental champion, but it was bumped for time reasons and rescheduled for later that year. However, before that new tournament could happen, the WWWF was renamed to the WWF and the planning was lost in the paperwork.

The title was forgotten again for another 9 years until someone noticed in 1988 that Howard Finkel was using it to hold up his pants. Why no one noticed until then is a mystery that may never be solved, but Hulk Hogan liked the design so much that he had his own copy made up to be used as the WWF World title. Vince McMahon quite rightly pointed out that people may not like a smashed up World title belt, so they reconstructed what it might look like with the pieces joined, and the new World title belt was debuted in 1988 and used for the next ten years. Meanwhile, Finkel had the Hardcore belt mailed to Lou Thesz, but since he was writing “Deceased” on all his mail for tax reasons at that point, the belt was lost in the mail for the next 10 years.

Finally, a US postal employee, while on a murderous rampage with an Uzi, accidentally shot the lock off a room full of lost mail while aiming for his co-workers. The lost parcel was found and returned to the sender, the WWF, in October of 1998. And Vince McMahon awarded it to Mick Foley shortly after that, and thankfully the WWF has since treated the venerable title with all the class and distinction that it warrants ever since.

– Your host is Tazz.

– Various wrestlers give their definition of “Hardcore”. I don’t think I wanna know Jeff Hardy’s.

– Mick Foley presents some clips of the Boiler Room Brawl from Summerslam 96, and the HHH series of 2000. Onto the Foley v. Funk match from RAW in 98, and Vince awarding him the Hardcore title in 1998. Foley’s demure “thanks dad!” response and Vince’s disgusted double-take still crack me up.

– All matches listed here are for the Hardcore title unless otherwise noted.

– Mankind v. Ken Shamrock. This is Mick’s first title defense, from RAW in late 98. Shamrock blitzes him, nearly ruining Mick’s nice new tuxedo. He gets a pair of kneedrops, but Mick uses a shoe to come back and chokes Ken with his jacket. He puts Shamrock in the Tree of Woe and drops an elbow, they then head out. Shamrock cradles him for two on the floor, and kicks away. He grabs the title belt and nails Mankind with it, and they continue brawling slowly. Mick backdrops him onto the table and they head back in. Shamrock reverses a piledriver and clotheslines him out. Mick with a running elbow for two on the floor, and they head into the crowd. Shamrock chokes him down, but gets Mandible Clawed. Shamrock hotshots him onto the stairs to break. Belly to belly on the floor and Ken snaps, but Mankind goes low and chairshots him. DDT on a chair gets two. Mick chases him up the ramp with a chair, but gets backdrop suplexed onto the ramp for two. Mick comes back with a backdrop, but takes a sick chairshot. Vince McMahon and his entourage are standing around at the top of the ramp, so Big Bossman nails Shamrock with the nightstick, and Mick rolls on top to retain at 8:12. Slow, but set the style for the division. And remember when there were actually 8 minute matches on RAW on a regular basis? **1/4

– Hardcore Women’s match: Tori v. Ivory. Fun fact: This was never shown in Canada for various reasons. Tori attacks Ivory during an interview to start the match, and they fight into the showers. Tori throws soap and the TAMPAX OF DEATH at her, prompting a naked (bit not visible) Jackie to yell in fear. Gee, wonder who was booking THIS match? SHAMPOO! SHAMPOO! SHAMPOO! Back to the dressing room, where Ivory meets a door and gets tossed into the men’s dressing room. Into the lobby, Ivory meets the wall a few times and Tori gets two. Ivory uses a mirror to come back and get the pin at 3:12. Fun while it lasted. *1/2 Tori’s wet-underwear-and-shirt apparel here prevented TSN from showing the match.

– Al Snow v. Bob Holly. From St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. I see we’re skipping over the Road Dogg period for the title, which was actually the best time for it. Clipped to them fighting into the crowd, and Holly fire-extingishing him. Al fires back. Into the back, Snow meets a garbage can, and uses a pay phone to get his own shots in. Holly shrugs off a potentially devastating plastic garbage can, and throws a beer cooler at him. A little hard up for weapons tonight, are we? Snow shovels him and uses a series of mops for two. Moppy, is that you? Into the parking lot, where Snow meets a “Fire lane” sign for two. Snow kicks away to come back and sends him to the wall, and then they head down to the Mississippi River. Snow chokes him with barbed wire, but gets stop-signed. Down to the river bank, where Snow chokes him down and dumps him into the water. WATER! WATER! WATER! They brawl with a tire, but Holly uses a pointed stick and gets two. He wraps Snow up with a handy length of fencing and gets the pin at 9:13. Good by hardcore standards. **1/2

– Wrestlers list their worst injuries, including the Angle Armbreaker Moonsault, as related by Bob Holly. This leads to a visit by Holly to Michael Cottlich, who is actually listed as “Hardcore Surgeon” in the graphic. Talk about your specialized fields.

– We jump WAY ahead, to Backlash 2K, with

– Crash Holly v. Hardcore Holly v. Jeff Hardy v. Matt Hardy v. Tazz v. Saturn. Everyone takes turns getting two-counts on Crash, as the only way the match ends is by pinning him. Or him pinning someone else. We go running to the back right away, where Crash and Matt climb up one of the giant meat hooks that’s swinging at the entranceway. Matt kicks Crash onto the rest of the boys, then dives off onto them himself, drawing a “holy shit” chant. Camera misses it, for some reason. Jeff swings off the hook with a rana on Saturn. Back in, the Hardyz double-team Crash, then Tazz. Hardcore smacks people at random with a 2×4, because he’s hardcore. Saturn steals it and utilizes it. More weapons get involved. A roadsign to the head gives Hardcore a two-count on Crash. Back out, Crash gets creamed. Tazz and Saturn double-team him on the outside for a bit, then back in. Match drags a bit here. Tazz goes nuts with the roadsign to liven it up again as everyone keeps beating on poor Crash. A moonsault from Jeff and one from Saturn get a two-count. We end up with the Hollies alone in the ring, and Hollycaust on a chair gets two. The Hardyz bring a ladder in, to a big pop, and clean house with it. Jeff heads up and hits the swanton from the top, but Matt breaks up the pin. They fight over the pinfall, and Tazz sneaks in and hooks the Tazzmission, and THAT looks to be it. Saturn breaks THAT up with a wicked shot to Tazz, and everyone ends up outside the ring except for Tazz and Crash, and with Tazz still out, Crash is able to roll over and get the pin to retain at 12:18. That was quite the ending. ***1/4

– Clips of Cactus Jack v. HHH from Royal Rumble 2000.

– Intro of the 24/7 rules and the resulting hijinx.

– The boys reminsce about TLC, Finkel remembers the Boot Camp match, and the APA recall their favorite barfights.

– Shane O Mac v. Steve Blackman. From Summerslam 2000. Blackman offers up a free shot, which he then blocks. Into the crowd, and back to ringside as Blackman hits the KICK OF FEAR from the guardrail. Into the ring, Shane gets kendo sticked under a garbage can. Blackman chokes him out with a strap for fun. T&A hit the ring and Test drops the big elbow on Blackman, then Shane uses the FLYING ROAD SIGN OF DOOM and they drag Blackman out to the entranceway. A dropped amp misses Blackman. Albert hits Test by mistake, and Shane flees for the scaffolding to escape. Oh dear, this can’t be healthy. Blackman chases him up there with a kendo stick and when Shane gets to the very top, Blackman knocks him down and through a stage. Ho-lee Shit. Blackman then proves his manhood and testicular fortitude by JUMPING AFTER HIM and dropping a flying elbow from about 20 feet to get the pin and regain the title. Well, if Sting didn’t look like a total pussy for having a stuntman take his bump at the Bash before, he sure does now. Kudos to Shane for being Foley 2000, and hopefully Vince’s money can buy him some good medical care when he runs the WWF from a wheelchair. There was a pretty decent hardcore match preceding the bumps, too. ***

– Tazz wraps things up.

– Okay, that’s it for the video version, which is not recommended, but the DVD has a TON of extras that make it a little more worth the money.

The Extras

– Hardcore Holly v. Bart Gunn. Early in Holly’s first reign in 98. Gunn slugs him down, but gets a pitcher of Kool-Aid in the face. Is Paul E. booking? Holly gives him a sick chairshot, but Gunn retaliates with a coffee mug and ringbell. And to think they based an entire feud around coffee later on. Just goes to show: Don’t f*ck with Juan Valdez. They brawl into the crowd and Gunn drops him on the railing. Hlly comes back with a drink tray to the head, and a trip to the stairs. Gunn suplexes him on the ramp for two as Michael Cole brings up Sparky Plugg. Lawler: “I loved Sparky Plugg. That was A-list material for me.” I know what he means. Gunn DDTs him on the railing and sprays him down with the extinguisher. They fight up to the Titantron area, where Gunn connects with a vicious watermelon to the forehead. Oh, sure, we’re getting into fresh fruit attacks and Holly doesn’t have a pointed stick handy this time. A crate of bananas turns the tide, however. Sadly, Bart fails to obey the second step of defending yourself against fresh fruit attacks: Eating the banana. Had he done so, he might not be dead today. Of course, he might not even be dead, but it’s Bart Gunn so who gives a f*ck to being with? Flour gets used, blinding everyone and must not make obvious joke about white powder AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH HEAD EXPLODING DUE TO POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. Thankfully Steve Williams saves the day by running out dressed like a float in the Gay Chinese New Year Parade and tosses Gunn off the stage, through a table, and Holly gets the pin at 8:17. Speaking of feuds that went nowhere, I think I had blocked Williams’ aborted samurai phase out of my mind. Wonderfully violent and senseless match. **3/4

– Test v. Crash. From Smackdown in early 2000. Test gets a big boot and backdrop, and Crash bails. Test tosses him into the crowd, and back in the ring. Crash gets a fire extinguisher shot and a rana, but Hardcore Holly comes out to watch. Back in, Crash gets two. Crash goes low and Test bails. Crash dives at him, but Test chairshots him and tosses some chairs into the ring. Powerbomb is blocked, Rockette Kick isn’t. Pumphandle is reversed and Crash goes low and tosses him. He follows with a pescado, but Hardcore comes down and chairs Test to give Crash the first title of many. *

– Crash v. Tazz. From Smackdown, March 2000. Brawl outside and Tazz sends him into the crowd. Into the penalty box and backstage they go. Tazz batters him as Albert & Bossman unsuccessfully charge in, allowing Crash to use a 2 x 4 for the pin at 1:51. ½* Later, Crash issues the first open challenge to defend his title 24/7, and the Mean Street Posse immediately try him.

– The next week, the Posse goes after him in a laundrymat. Crash grabs his laundry and bolts.

– Crash loses the title to Pete Gas at an airport, but regains it with a well-timed cheapshot.

– Crash escapes the Buttbangers at Funtime USA, including a funny visual as the cameraman follows him down a slide.

– Crash v. Hardcore Holly. From RAW, March 2000. Tazz immediately runs in with a ref, as do the Headbangers, Viscera, and a cast of thousands. Crash hides behind a garbage can and escapes.

– Hardycore title: Matt Hardy v. Jeff Hardy. Matt offers Jeff a cookie sheet, then wallops him with a trash can lid. Jeff responds in kind. Flying broom gets two for Jeff. The other participants in the hardcore match on Sunday join us at ringside. Jeff does a Flair flip in the corner and ends up in a garbage can, which Matt dropkicks. He moonsaults the trash can, which looked like it would have crushed Jeff’s head. Both find ladders and have a duel, which Jeff wins by dropkicking Matt’s ladder. He sets his own up and hits the leapfrog legdrop over it for two. He goes for the swanton off the top of it, but Matt sprays him with a fire extinguisher and knocks him to the floor, onto Tazz and Saturn. Back in, and suddenly Crash Holly charges in, nails Matt with a cookie sheet, and pins him to win the title himself at 4:32. Kind of a silly finish to a pretty insane match. **

– Gerry Brisco pins a sleeping Crash to win the title, while Cole & Lawler whisper play-by-play. Funny stuff. Holly chases Brisco to the ring, and grabs a trashcan, but Brisco runs. Crash tosses him back in, but Patterson runs in and allows Brisco to make a getaway. We are treated to a stinkface attempt by Patterson.

– The next week, Patterson serves up champagne and then turns on Gerry to win the title.

– Into the Blackman era

– Steve Blackman v. Big Bossman. Blackman dropkicks him and Bossman bails, finding a kendo stick. Blackman gets his sticks going and goes after the leg for two. Bossman extinguishes Blackman, and they head into the crowd. Into the back, where Blackman meets the catering table. Crash & Malenko attack and toss the NESCAFE OF DOOM into Bossman’s eyes (what did I say about Juan Valdez?) and Blackman gets the pin at 3:14. Standard stuff. ½*

– Steve Blackman v. Edge & Christian. This is a three-way match, although it more of a handicap match in practice, and I forget the reasoning, but if Blackman’s involved I’m sure it’s exciting. Blackman tosses Edge into the crowd, and works Christian with can lids. Edge trips Blackman into a garbage can, and Edge then nails him with it for two. Christian baseball slides it into Blackman’s face, but E&C argue over the cover. They grab chairs, but Blackamn comes back and Van Daminates Christian for the pin at 3:15. Blech. ½*

– Steve Blackman v. Tazz. Tazz punks him out on the floor, but gets whipped into the railing. Into the crowd, and they brawl to the back, where Tazz stops to beat on Funaki & Just Joe. Back to the crowd, and they fight to ringside, where a chair gets involved. Blackman gets his sticks and does his thing, stick suplex gets two. Tazz comes back with a northern lights suplex for two. Tazz gets a kendo stick and slaps on the Tazzmission, but Blackman breaks and goes low, then finishes with the FLYING KENDO STICK OF DEATH at 4:15. More dullness from the master of it. ½*

– Steve Blackman v. Tiger Ali Singh. This was punishment for Tiger because he annoyed Foley. Blackman kicks the shit out of him and pins him with the flying stick at 3:29. Total squash. DUD

– Raven v. Undertaker. Taker tosses him around and cans him. Raven find a wrench and nails him, but Taker no-sells and fights him off. He rams Raven’s back to the post, then drops the stairs on his head. UT powerbombs him through the table and pins him at 2:29. ½* In retrospect, squashing midcarders may have seemed cool at the time, but it really hurt them in the long run.

– All the rest I’ve already done, so get ready for some cutting and/or pasting

– Hardcore title: Big Slow v. Rock v. Kurt Angle. Show nails both to start, but Rock slugs him down. Angle suplexes him from behind, but gets nailed by Show. Angle slugs away at Show, but gets clobbered by Rock, who in turn gets clobbered by Show. Show & Rock hit the floor, Show meets stairs. Back in, Angle stomps Rock, but gets legwhipped and Sharpshooted. Show saves. Chokeslam is blocked, and Angle tries a suplex. Yeah, right. Rock helps out to finish the move, then turns on Angle. Steve Blackman hits the ring and covers for two. Hardcore Holly trashcans Show for two. Albert comes in with the bicycle kick for two. Saturn comes in to save. Billy Gunn runs in and clubs Show with a bat, and they brawl outside. Angle & Rock seem to have disappeared. Show & Hardcore & pals all fight to the back, and suddenly Essa Rios and Crash Holly start diving off the stage at Big Show, to no avail. Backstage they all go. Meanwhile in the ring, Angle’s new bald buddies beat the hell out of Rock. Show beats on four guys in the back and pins Rios against the wall to retain the title. Er, okay. Rock barely fights off Albert & Saturn, but gets Angle-locked until Steve Austin saves. KICK WHAM STUNNER for Angle, Rock Bottom for Albert, and we’re OUTTA TIME. Match was stunningly awesome until the silliness started. **1/4

– Hardcore title: Raven v. Big Show v. Kane. Raven attacks as Big Show lumbers out. Kane tosses Raven into Show, then hits both with a tope and out into the crowd. Kane puts Raven into a wall backstage, and he beats a retreat. Big Show locks them into a cage, and Kane rips off the door (as is his specialty). Back into the hall, Raven goes through a window. Kane & Show do a Shockmaster job on a wall, and Raven tries to flee on a golf cart. Show pursues, and Kane runs them over with another golf cart. The FOAM PEANUTS OF DEATH get involved. So Raven goes into a wall, through a glass window and gets run over by a golf cart, but Kane gets to take a vicious shot from PACKING PEANUTS? Back to the entranceway, where Show tries a press-slam on Raven, but Kane shoves both through a platform beside the ramp, and Kane dives onto Show for the pin and the title at 9:18. Raven’s bumping carried it well enough. **

– Hardcore title: Rhyno v. Raven. Rhyno charges and runs into a stop sign for two. Trashcan to the head gets two, but Rhyno shoulderblocks Raven and uses a can for nefarious purposes. Raven hits the floor and gets covered for two. Rhyno sets up the stairs at ringside and tries a daring dive off them, but misses and smashes into a chair. Raven steals his idea and leaps off them with a lariat for two. Back in, Raven punches Rhyno to the floor and tosses more plunder in. Rhyno posts him, and uses the “Keep Off” SIGN OF DEATH for two. Again with that, it gets two. Back in, Rhyno hits him in the head with a shopping cart, but gets drop-toeholded into it. Ouch. Roadsign gives Raven a comeback and he gets the bulldog for two. Rhyno charges with the shopping cart, but Raven knocks him off, dropping the cart on him in the process. Raven runs him down with the cart, but walks into a sign for two. Rhyno preps the Gore, but misses and crashes into the shopping cart, trapping himself. That’s a brilliant spot. Raven pounds on him with a sink and gets two. Crowd was TOTALLY buying that near-fall. Rhyno pops up and gores him for the pin at 8:11. Really terrific hardcore match as the WWF continues to at least do a great job bringing Rhyno along. ***1/2

– Hardcore title: Rhyno v. Big Slow v. Test. Rhyno & Test double-team Slow, but he dumps both guys and they all brawl. Slow dumps Test into the crowd and they head into the teeming millions, and into the back. Standard RAW hardcore stuff follows as they wander around and then head back to the arena. Test & Rhyno end up alone, oblivious to the fate of the Big Slow. Rhyno loads up the arsenal and DDTs Test on a trashcan lid for two. Slow lumbers back and chokeslams Rhyno, but gets booted by Test for two. Rhyno backs up and it’s GOAR GOAR GOAR for Big Slow, but Test nails him for two. Test fire extinguishes Slow for two, but Rhyno dumps him, and GOAR GOAR GOAR finishes at 9:13 to retain. Well, it’s better than Test & Show would’ve been, I suppose, but it was mostly the usual here. **

– Hardcore title match: Rhyno v. Big Slow. Brawl on the floor, Slow knocks him down and suplexes him on the ramp. He charges back to ringside and hits the post, and Rhyno makes use of some plunder. Into the ring, Rhyno keeps pounding on the injured shoulder and punching away. ALGORE! ALGORE! ALGORE hits a chair. Slow kicks a garbage can at him, chokeslam on it finishes and Big Slow regains the title. Yeehaw. Why job Rhyno, unless maybe he’s being prepped for the next step up? I guess maybe that’s why. ¼*

The Bottom Line: Despite the HUGE gaps in lineage for political reasons and mind-numbing Steve Blackman segments, there’s a lot of enjoyable stuff in the extras section, probably enough to make this DVD a recommended buy. However, the overuse of Crash and the PPV matches drag it down somewhat, so we’ll go mildly recommended and leave it at that.