A Wrestling Tale 10.29.01: So Unfair


The Radical Radster was not feeling very rad. He was not feeling very rad at all. The Radical Radster was feeling angry, perturbed if you will. Bitter. Jaded. Hated. Pissed off. The Radical Radster was pissed off and nobody would listen to why he was so pissed off. Well, they had to listen to the Radical Radster, but they didn’t listen. They heard his words but didn’t process them into actual thoughts. They were too busy thinking about how to get the Gigantic Giant over. Maybe you’ll listen. Maybe you’ll be able to understand why the Radical Radster feels so very unrad.

See, the Radical Radster is not just a wrestler. Sure, the Radical Radster wrestles, but he’s so much more then that. The Radical Radster is an idea man. He has put together some of the best angles of this young decade. Remember when Uno Hombre stole Lance Danger’s Pinto and sold it to the Iron Goose of South Africa? That was the Radical Radster’s idea. Remember when Captain Igor brought a sexual harassment suit against the Wise Old Owlman for sticking his head between his legs? That was the Radical Radster’s idea. Remember during Ms. Hoola Hoop’s birthday party when Evil Evan Bradley ate all of the cake that his girlfriend, Evilina, had tainted with laxatives to get back at Ms. Hoola Hoop for winning the hoola hoop contest? Then remember that 8 minute toilet scene? That was the Radical Radster’s idea also.

The Radical Radster came up with all of these great ideas that did not necessarily have to go to the wrestlers they went to. Any one of them could have been used to get over the Radical Radster. The booking committee took every idea that he came up with and gave it to someone else. They had this terrible rule in place where if you came up with an angle, you can’t use it yourself. The fear is that you’ll book yourself to a position where it would be impossible to put anyone over you. The Radical Radster agrees with you. It’s an awful rule designed by those who are already at the top of the business to keep down anyone who might show a smidgen of a hint of potential to rise up like the Radical Radster. They were frightened by both his minds and his skill in the ring.

Still, big shots like Big Shot and Humpty Loompa had no problem taking the Radical Radster’s idea. Remember when they were feuding over the title and Loompa threw a fireball in Big Shot’s face but the fireball missed and hit Loompa’s sidekick Oompa resulting in Oompa’s turning on Loompa at the Pay-Per-View? That was the Radical Radster’s. The Radical Radster had asked if he could play a small part in the angle that he created, and he was shut down so quickly that it made the Radical Radster’s head spin. This was so unfair. It was just so not right. Big Shot and Humpty Loompa and Big Shot fancied themselves as Big Shot’s as well. When they came up with an idea, it was for them. They were able to place themselves into whichever angle they saw fit for them to be in. They were able to direct their angles to their pleasing. Only when the Radical Radster wanted to take part in one of his own angles did the rules suddenly change.

For instances, last year when the Radical Radster created the angle where Chris Sissy came out of the closet after being dumped by his long time valet, only to reveal that Chris Sissy was not really gay and only believed he was because his valet had broken his heart, the Radical Radster had wanted to over see the angle. Kind of direct it, if you will. Big Shot and Humpty Loompa had directed their own angles the year before. All of a sudden a rule was put into place saying that you could not dictate the direction of the angles that you came up with. The Radical Radster shrugged his shoulders and said nothing. He could not fight the glass ceiling. However, the booking committee did let him decide upon who would be involved in the angle. The woman he picked to be Chris Sissy’s friend, Lady Bloodflame, had not been in a major angle before. She took this opportunity and was soon considered one of the best performers in the entire federation. The Radical Radster was proud of her.

A few months later the creation of angles was completely dominated by Big Shot and Humpty Loompa, and their new best friend Lady Bloodflame. They turned the wrestling world into a kind of fairy tale parody world. Their great idea was to take current wrestlers and put them into angles that mirrored such stories as The Tortoise and the Hare and Puss in Boots. Trust the Radical Radster, it was as good as it sounds. Anyway, Big Shot and Humpty Loompa had these angles all planned out, and the Radical Radster pretty much begged them both if he could play some kind of part in their angles. Well, Big Shot and Humpty Loompa didn’t want to give the Radical Radster a place to wrestle in their little fairy tale world, but the booking committee had been very pleased with the Radical Radster’s mostly good work ethic which was only tainted by a few very drunken outbursts when all the wrestlers had gone out together. The Radical Radster would rather not talk about those. Anyway, Big Shot and Humpty Loompa decided to let the Radical Radster have creative direction control over their angle with Bloodflame, which would mirror the story of Rapunzel but with a twist ending in which Rapunzel would wind up running away from both the Prince and the Witch who were trying to get her to go into the music business so that they could imitate Brittany Spears. Trust the Radical Radster, it was as good as it sounds. The reason they did this was because Lady Bloodflame, Big Shot and Humpty Loompa were all involved in the angle, along with Lady Bloodflame’s best friend and a very talented wrestler named Bob. Everyone except for Bob knew exactly what was going on and thus the angle really did not need any directing. The Radical Radster had been given a bullshit assignment and everyone knew it.

However, there was one part of the angle that was missing. It was small, but it was there. The Radical Radster inserted just a bit of creativity into this small section, a little comedy bit, nothing huge. It got a very positive response from the audience, but when Big Shot and Humpty Loompa saw it, they called it good but cheap. Humpty Loompa thought that the Radical Radster was out of ear shot. He wasn’t. The Radical Radster heard everything.

Big Shot grew weary of the power of having a top spot. He still wrestles, but he doesn’t have as much creative control as he once did. Now that power belongs to Lady Bloodflame. The Radical Radster gave Lady Bloodflame her first big role after she had been used as mainly a back-up dancer. He had then directed her after she had used her small amount of power to be inserted into the Rapunzel angle without even trying out for it. He had always been nice to her, respectful and all that. She now has direction over his latest angle, and the Radical Radster loves this one. It is a comedy stable in which the director of the stable makes the wrestlers practice the same moves over and over again and changes the moves to her liking until the wrestlers are basically doing fifty back flips and running around in a circle before they can drop an elbow. One small piece of this stable is a wrestler who does only one move the entire time, but every time he tries to do the move he is stopped by the director and corrected. This wrestler finally snaps and attacks the director, only to be beaten up by the other members of the stable and the director herself. The Radical Radster really wanted to play this part in the very complex angle he created. The Radical Radster’s grandfather is dying and he’s working so hard to do his job and make time for his family. All the Radical Radster wants is one small distraction from this hell his life has become. All he wants is to be able to say that he played a small but vital role in his angle and it worked well. Lady Bloodflame, the woman who inserted herself into an angle of her liking last time is directing this angle. She should have no problem with this.

But she does. On the Radical Radster’s mother’s birthday, which coincides with the day the doctors are going to take the Radical Radster’s mother’s father off of life support, Lady Bloodflame says that the Radical Radster must come to tryouts for the angle if he wants to play that small role. The rule has been changed by her when it did not suit her fancy. There can be no more inserting of people into roles. There now must be tryouts. If the Radical Radster does not try out, he’s finished. That’s what she said. Also, she wants to tweak the ending of the angle a little. Hope the Radical Radster doesn’t mind.

The Radical Radster was shocked and angered that she would even suggest such a thing. The Radical Radster had seen her the week before, and she could have damn well told the Radical Radster about it then. She did not have to tell the Radical Radster about the tryouts the night before his mother’s birthday. It then occurred to the Radical Radster that Lady Bloodflame had not even tried to get in touch with him. She wanted nothing to do with him except to direct his very funny angle and then to take credit for it’s success.

See? This is so unfair. This is just so not right. The Radical Radster wishes to tell Lady Bloodflame that she can go to hell. The Radical Radster knows that he can’t take his angle back, but he’ll be damned if she’ll ever see another one from him. Now the Radical Radster has to go back home for his mother’s birthday and to say goodbye to his grandfather. The Radical Radster quits. He’s going to work for the competition.