I’d appreciate it if this question didn’t involve my odor, my DNA, or any comparison to rodents, snakes, or weasels. – The Pointy-Haired Boss, Dilbert, October 20th, 2001
PIMPIN’ THE HOMIES
A couple of shout-outs on the site here: flea’s doing outstanding work with his columns. Remember, he watches Excess so you don’t have to, and that’s a sacrifice of incalculable proportions. He’s also a damn good news reporter. To bear witness to that, here’s a link to his Saturday column, and one for yesterday’s. He’s also got that good ol’ Excess recap running as well. Yes, flea, it would be difficult to give Bella Abzug a peck on the ol’ proboscis, considering that she’s, like, dead. The line you paraphrased about being a liberal at 20 and a conservative at 40 was from Winston Churchill, I believe.
As for Grut, he’s cool by me. Terrific guy to have following me on weekdays, and considering that I’ve had some of the best like Jon Richardson and Bob Morris, I consider saying that to be high praise. He’ll be in on Thursday with the news. But in the meantime, read A Wrestling Tale and try to figure out what hallucinogens he’s on.
Daniels is more right than he knows. In what areas, I’m not going to tell you. He should learn the difference between George H. W. Bush and George W. Bush before making baseless charges, though. And so should a lot of you, judging from my mail.
Mahuad has your Heat report. Ditto Brower with Jakked. It’s the easy way to catch up on that weekend WWF programming that you don’t watch.
This isn’t the first time that E. C. Ostermeyer and I have written for the same site, he and I having contributed to Kayfabe Magazine in the past. Glad to see you’ve found a home in the storm-tossed seas, E. C.
THESE COMMENTS SPONSORED BY THE AMERICAN CIVIL LIBERTIES UNION
The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion. – Edmund Burke.
For those of you in complete favor of the anti-terrorism bill, take your Google and throw in this word: “COINTELPRO”. This bill was exactly the kind of thing I was afraid would happen when I warned people that it’d be foolish to throw away basic civil liberties in the name (not necessarily the fact) of safety. Congrats to Senator Russ Feingold for having the sack to vote against it. Russ is one of those really cool politicians that are few and far between, and I’m proud to have him representing my state in the Senate.
On that topic for a second, which state do you think has the worst pair of Senators? For conservatives, the choice of New York is such a no-brainer that it needs not be mentioned (although California gives them a tough fight in that area; Barbara Boxer is embarassing, and Dianne Feinstein has lots of hypocrisy on her CV). For liberals, I don’t know any worse state than Texas. Kay Hutchinson is a partisan airhead, and Phil Gramm’s a sanctimonious hypocrite (switched parties for personal benefit, financed soft-core porn films). If you’d like to submit a candidate for worst pair of Senators, please write me.
Conservative: a stateman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. – Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary. If anyone ever came up with a Bartlett’s Quotations For The Cynical, Ambrose Bierce would dominate it.
My Short List of Coolest Conservatives In The Senate: Ben Campbell (proud of his heritage; switched parties for conviction and not convenience, which I respect; drives a Harley). Orrin Hatch (sincerely religious; gut fighter at heart; best friend in the Senate is Ted Kennedy; supposedly a very closeted leather queen). Fred Thompson (actor in his spare time; was disgusted with his role in the Watergate hearings; admits to his f*ck-ups). John Warner (married Liz Taylor). Who says that I can’t like people on the other side? I voted for a Republican once. Only once, though.
So far, my biggest loss of basic civil liberties has been the loss of the right of any Regular Army veteran to make fun of the National Guard. A couple weeks ago, I took a flight from Chicago to Norfolk, and the NG boys were doing a damn good job on guard duty at both O’Hare and Norfolk (really, really tight security at Norfolk, but no surprise considering that all four major services have bases within an hour’s drive of the airport). So kudos to the NG, and I promise to lay off you for a while. And if that cute blonde sailor who sat next to me on the flight from Chicago is reading this, send me your phone number. Women with a Texas accent and blonde hair drive me crazy. Unless it’s Debra, of course.
The first person to make a connection between the fact that it was a student of microbiology who was arrested for the USS Cole bombing and the anthrax scare should be beaten severely, or become a Kennedy assassination theorist. I don’t know which fate is worse.
THE DOXY HORROR PICTURE SHOW
So doxycycline is now the rage among the paranoid set. This drug I’m familiar with. When I was dealing with public health issues while in the Army, it was the medication of choice for treating gonorrhea. Its popularity should lead to some very interesting bedroom conversations. “No, honey, I don’t have the clap, I’m just scared of anthrax, really.” 100mg BID, take for thirty days, complete the dosage, and refrain from all sexual activities while on it.
2001: A MARS ODYSSEY
Congratulations to NASA on finally getting a probe to Mars that didn’t vanish on arrival. They’re trying something interesting to get it to slow down to achieve orbit. Instead of using chemical propellants and the tried and true principle of equal and opposite reaction (Newton’s Third Law and all that), NASA and the geniuses at JPL are using the thin Martian atmosphere to provide a little drag. It’s called aerobraking, and it calls for some pretty damn good calculations, let me assure you. So we’ve still got the possibility of a major screw-up and another US$300M ending up in pieces on Mars. In space, no one can hear you say, “Whoops, I f*cked up.”
E-X-P-E-E
I’ve had a copy of Windows XP final for a couple months now, so I’ve had ample opportunity to play with it. The biggest drawback I had personally was that the proper drivers for my sound card were only released when XP was (gee, thanks, Hercules, but the new drivers are terrific, I have to admit). It looks nice and friendly, it’s stable, and the version I have doesn’t require activation. So what are the drawbacks? Well, it obeys Moore’s Law’s Corollary On Windows: with every Windows release, the required size of hard drive space doubles. XP will take up at least 2.5G of your real estate to install (double the size of Win2K, which was double the size of Millennium, which was double the size of 98SE, which was double the size of 98, blah, blah, blah). It also requires a boatload of RAM to run with any speed, but RAM’s cheap these days. The visual look reminds me of Microsoft Bob, which is a major problem. It’s very dumbed-down, a drawback for power users. Then there’s the possible invasion of privacy things regarding Passport wanting to become things other than your Hotmail login, not to mention the need for reactivation if you change more than four pieces of hardware. All in all, I’m sticking with 2K for now until a killer app comes out that requires XP.
THE “REAL” SPORTS SECTION
The D’Backs pitching staff has officially become the Zeroes’ equivalent of “Spahn and Sain and pray for rain”. Especially with Clemens pitching Game 3.
Apparently college football’s decided to apply Vince’s “anything can happen” attitude like the NFL has lately. I am so glad that I didn’t bet on anything Saturday. Extremely weird. Okay, Nebraska over Oklahoma was a borderline, but Syracuse over VaTech? Stanford over UCLA? Penn State over Ohio State (congrats, JoePa)? Arkansas over Auburn? Hawaii over Fresno State? Iowa almost beating Michigan (great game, BTW)? BTW the second, Florida State beating Maryland was not an upset. One more week like this, and the bettors will be trying to revive “Who Let The Dogs Out?”
Follow-up from last Wednesday: Welcome To The World to Jaden Gil Agassi, 5 pounds, 7 ounces and barely legitimate. Steffi Graf gave birth to him on Friday in Vegas. No swoosh tattoo visible on him, but Monica Seles was brought in as grunting coach for Steffi during the birth.
Congrats to Tiznow for becoming the first equine ever to win the Breeders’ Cup Classic twice in a row. Tiznow’s sort of the Randy Moss of horseflesh: complains about injuries and tends to take races off on occasion, but comes through in the big ones.
THE TRAIN KEPT A’ROLLIN…
Speaking of Bears/Niners…Five f*ckin’ snowflakes, no argument. This thing had Patterson booking the ending. Reviewed final touchdown in regulation, reviewed two-point conversion that sent the game into OT, interception return for a touchdown to win it for the home team. Tension, tension, tension, unrelieved until Mike Brown scampered in. Great job by both teams, with three defensive TDs (one of which should NOT have counted; even Niners fans have to admit that Fred Baxter was held on that INT and the zebras missed it), and every Bears fan getting a heart attack by seeing Shane Matthews, Dez White, and David Terrell as the go-to guys (White and Terrell couldn’t hang on to the ball at the beginning of the game if their lives depended on it). Even though he was on the other sidelines, congrats to Garrison Hearst for his first TD in three years; it’s good to see a quality back on the comeback trail from the injuries he’s been through the last couple seasons. I felt drained just from watching this game. Damn.
The commentary team of Kenny Albert and Tim Green was driving me crazy, though. “The Niners’ blow-off loss to New Orleans” (So they’re never playing each other again?). “Terrell Owens is second on the Rams’ career touchdown list”. “Walter Payton had the Bears’ single-game record for a rookie rusher before last week” (No, he didn’t; James Allen did). Abysmal commentary with a tendency to start saying the f*cking obvious, and their yammering about the zebras reviewing the final touchdown in regulation…you’d think that after the zebras announce that they’re reviewing the play to see if Terrell had both feet in bounds, they’d stop talking about the refs reviewing the play to see if Terrell had control of the ball, wouldn’t you? For once, I wished that it had been Tony Schiavone and Mark Madden doing the call. Nice touch by Fox using the Gap Band’s “Party Train” as an outro for Anthony Thomas, though.
‘TIS THE SEASON FOR CHARITY…
How nice of the Rams to keep giving the ball to the Saints in such a variety of ways (and those blown spots prevent me from giving this game ***** as well). Eight turnovers, I believe, plus that stupid, stupid offsides penalty on the blocked field goal that could have saved the game for them, courtesy of Dre Bly and his blue balls (well, Mister Bly, if you didn’t fumble that return earlier, maybe you wouldn’t need to prove yourself). What is it about the Rams and Game 7? The last three years, they’ve started off 6-0 and blown Game 7. Smart money was on the Saints anyway this week, so no harm, no foul, and no unbeaten teams in the NFL. I have this feeling that BFM is going to be fuming about this one for a while (and he sent me mail right after the game that showed me he was well on his way to a major fume). He’ll have more to fume about next week when the Bears play havoc with his Browns.
RHAPSODY IN PURPLE
Can we officially declare the Vikings clinically insane with schizophrenia? They beat the crap out of the Packers last week, then let Fat-Ass Alstott club them like a baby seal this week. Cris Carter started to go ape-shit on the sidelines again just like he did when they blew the game to the Bears earlier this year, and Denny Green looked like he was establishing a relationship between himself and the headlights of the oncoming semi. Memo to the Vikes, Bucs, and Pack: I don’t want the pundits to start saying shit about how all of you threw the NFC Central to the Bears by circle-jerking losses to each other, okay?
THE MAGIC FLUTIE
That wasn’t just a single upraised middle finger that Doug Flutie gave to Ralph Wilson on Sunday. That was an Austin double-bird, a ball-grab, a moon, a fart in his general direction, and a loud shout of “Suck My Dick” as he ran in for the winning touchdown. Enjoy the second-guessing as you wallow in the misery of your season, Mister Wilson. Bills fans won’t forget this game for a long time.
Enough of that. On to wrestling.
THE SHORT FORM
So let’s see what they did on Raw this week, shall we?
Match Results:
Edge over Rob Van Dam, WWF Intercontinental Title Match (Pinfall, impaler DDT): Good match, but given the competitors, that was expected. The problem is that a match of upper-mid-carders should serve some purpose in the overall storyline, and this one didn’t. It was just out there, and the way the WWF’s going right now, they can’t afford for a match to be just out there.
Hurricane Helms and Molly Holly over Yoshihiro Tajiri and Torrie Wilson (Pinfall, Molly pins Wilson, rollup): Again, this is a “what purpose does this serve” match. God knows I love Tajiri, and I like Molly (despite the character she’s now playing), and I hate to see them wasted. Normally, this could have helped spark a Tajiri/Helms feud, but there’s no indication of that. It was booked to be more likely to spark a Molly/Wilson feud. I’m very confused about what they’re doing with the matches to help the overall programming.
The Battling Bickersons over Booker T and Test, WWF Tag Title Match (Submission, Jericho over Test, Walls of Jericho): “You turn heel, Mister Irvine.” “No, you turn heel first, Mister Johnson.” “Would it be acceptable if we both turned heel for a bit, Mister Irvine?” “Indubitably, Mister Johnson, but be certain that Mister Martin plows his boot into Mister Huffman’s face to confuse the audience even further about who’s turning.” “Acceptable, Mister Irvine, very acceptable.” What a complete mess. It’s a nice old-school pattern of events, but it’s one of those things that I can’t stand about old-school.
Lita over My Beautiful and Beloved Stacy (Pinfall, Twist of Fate): No matter what you do, WWF, you will never, EVER, convince the audience that Matt Hardy likes women. Even accidentally beating them up doesn’t help. As for My Beautiful and Beloved, I’m hoping that you aren’t too busy to have my children. If you are, be assured that I already have backup plans in that area vis-a-vis Annika Sorenstam. That was one helluva comeback she laid on Se Ri Pak over the weekend in the Women’s World Match Play Championships.
Kurt Angle over Commissioner Regal, WCW US Title Match (Submission, AngleLock): The only match scheduled tonight where I don’t dislike someone in it. Hell, I even like Nick Patrick. The only problem is that the crowd has no idea how to react to mat wrestling anymore, even in Louisville. Good match, good story told, good quick out-of-nowhere ending.
Buh Buh Ray and D’Von Dudley over The Undertaker and Kane, WCW Tag Title Match (Pinfall, D’Von pins Kane, 3-D): Who cares?
Shane McMahon over Vince McMahon, Street Fight (Pinfall, Austin Stunner): Fuck family counseling. This is the way to resolve an argument. Yes, the Shooting Shane Press looked horrible. It was due purely to him readying his knees for the impact with the trash can. A little more practice with it, and he’ll be doing it fine. The ending was suitably overbooked to relieve the “tension” of who the defector would be
Angle Developments:
Defect-ive: Did anyone out there really care who was going to defect? This angle has already proceeded past the point of anyone caring. That being said, most of the promos that surrounded the meta-angle for tonight were not so much paranoid as peevish. My thought after listening to some of those was, “Jesus, who in his right mind WOULDN’T want to leave the WWF for the Alliance? Why put up with this shit from everybody? In the Alliance, you only have to put up with Steph’s shit.” As for the defector being Angle, good. He’s better as a heel anyway.
Chris Jericho’s Identity Crisis: .9 shoot on Jericho’s part. .8 shoot on the part of UT in regards to Jericho being a johnny-come-lately. The WWF has had an us-against-them mentality for so long that it’s rubbed off on a lot of the long-timers there. The big insult line was missed if you didn’t watch or don’t remember WWF programming in August 1999, which, given the memories of most wrestling fans, is a good proposition. And someone who shall remain nameless needs to brush up on Robert’s Rules Of Order on how to properly adjourn a meeting.
Memo To Diamond Dallas Page: Next time, f*ck with someone who has a low-impact finisher. You haven’t chosen well the past couple weeks.
Who Will Survive?: Ten-man elimination at SurSer is only halfway there, you know. WarGames, dammit! Kudos to Mistah Keith for coming up with the WarGames idea at the same time I did, thus proving the “great minds think alike” principle. Angle’s replacement, of course, will end up being Vince. The Alliance team? Shane, Austin, Angle, Van Dam, and…gotta be Trip.
AND IN OTHER WRESTLING NEWS…
Dark match results from Louisville:
Brock Lesnar and Sheldon Benjamin take the OWV Southern Tag Titles from Rico Constantino and Prototype.
Scott Taylor beats Brad Waterman using the goddamn Worm.
Jakked/Metal taping results:
Billy Gunn over Shawn Stasiak (thank you, dear Lord, for not giving me the desire to ever watch Jakked).
Justin Credible and Chavo Guerrero over Spike Dudley and Crash Holly, where Chavo’s Look-At-Me-Uncle-Eddy Frog Splash nails Spike so that Credible can get a pin.
Albert goes over Hugh Morrus with a Baldo Bomb.
Jeff Hardy beats Billy Kidman in a battle of sexually-ambiguous cruisers.
Thanks, Rajah. I’ll be consulting you tomorrow night as well.
Last week, I stated in the Tuesday report that Wahoo McDaniel had suffered a stroke. That was the preliminary indication as given by the various hard news outlets (you know which ones). I got a letter over the weekend from Terry Davis, an indy worker in North Carolina, who told me that he talked to George South (one of the most popular jobbers in the majors in his day) on Thursday. South is a longtime friend of Wahoo who visited him in the hospital last week. Wahoo told South that it wasn’t a stroke per se. It’s a recurrence of his long-time kidney disease. A number of years ago, Wahoo was on dialysis for it. It started acting up again severely enough to put him back in the hospital. Wahoo also told South that once the news broke about his hospitalization, he got calls from Ric Flair and Harley Race wondering about his condition. Thank you, Terry, for informing me of that, and if anyone reading this is ever at a show that Terry’s working in NC, give him some pops and put him over, okay?
It’s pretty dead when I start taking Suck Woodhead’s press releases off of 1bullshit and turn them into news. However, it does link in to what one correspondent, T. Giberson, wrote me. The hottest indy in Canada right now happens to be Jacques Rougeau’s promotion. He’s been getting crowds of 3000, and Mister Giberson said that he’s “going to try to fill a hockey arena soon”. The hockey arena in question is the Molson Centre, and the date will be December 30th. The feature matchup is going to be Jacques’ fellow Quebecer Pierre Ouilette facing off against Kurgann, and the obligatory special guest ref will be one Sid Vicious (still recovering from that gory compound fracture he suffered in January). John Tenta, King Kong Bundy, and Jim Duggan are also going to be involved in this one, along with a full-blown Fabulous Rougeau Brothers in-ring reunion. I don’t know what to feel about this, so I’m going to forego comments. It’s just that if I had a choice of Christmastime entertainment as a wrestling fan, I’d take NOAH’s confirmed Akiyama/Vader match at the New Years’ Eve show at Ariake Coliseum over Pierre/Kurgann any day.
My old buddy Ric Russo of the Bradenton, Florida Herald (a Knight-Ridder newspaper) broke the news about the XWF hooking up with a pair of small television networks and receiving a 52-episode commitment for syndication of their TV show. Shows will be taped at Universal Studios in Orlando starting as soon as next month. Supposedly, a block of ten episodes will be shot over a two-day period. Okay, everyone who was around for the Disney Tapings era, you know the MO here: sneak in, get all the info possible, spread it far and wide, and hopefully we can all drive Hogan nuts.
Fans in England will have to miss the Chris Jericho-Rhyno match at the Rebellion PPV this coming Saturday due to Rhyno’s herniated discs in his neck. No alternate opponent has been rescheduled. The injury was the real reason for Rhyno’s “indefinite suspension” on Smackdown. Rebellion is a very high-powered card for the UK crowd, with Austin/Flex being the main. Edge and Christian continue their feud inside of the Unforgiving Steel Cage. Raw’s Regal/Angle match will be reprised. The Hardys will be facing Lance Storm and…nope, Chris Kanyon. There’ll be a three-way for the WCW tag titles with the Dudleys facing off against Show/Tajiri and the APA. Hugh Morrus and Billy Gunn are in the official “who cares” match. Scott Taylor and Gregory Helms face off in the “Stupidest Psuedonyms In The WWF” lightweight match. And tits will be on display as Lita and Torrie both realize that Matt Hardy just isn’t interested in girls and put aside their differences to face off against Molly and My Beautiful and Beloved Stacy, but that evil witch Trish is in there as special guest ref. If you’re in the States, WWF New York will be providing a feed, so make your travel plans and reservations now, or just watch Smackdown, which should be a dress rehearsal for this.
Speaking of Smackdown, I’ll be back tomorrow to give you those results and to fill you in on other stuff. Plus you get my exact feelings about Halloween. Later today, Scott Keith should be in with his views on Raw, and we should have some more special columns. Until then, keep reading 411.
