I hate being humble. I hate Flea for saying I acted humble. I hate so much right now, but it’s all okay.
Love Doctor Joshua Stephen Grutman is going to take that pain away.
Well, we have some news to go through first. Some of it is kind of interesting, if wrestling rumors are interesting at all. And at times they are. But sometimes when life gets all crazy and you don’t know what to do and everyone is getting anthrax and you’re about to get kicked out of school because somebody used Hyatte humor on a girl you said that you had no problem with The Love Doctor is going to make this better.
ROMAN CHOSEN FOR TOUGH ENOUGH SEMI-FINAL! Christian fed to lions.
Roman, the two time IWF champion (I know, I’m as excited about this as you are) has been selected to be a semi-finalist in the Tough Enough 2 contest thing. I think that means it’s like 25 guys. Me thinks the WWF wants a wrestler that doesn’t need to be sent down to the minors after it’s all done. They call it the Maven mistake backstage.
In other Tough Enough news, Nidia is officially Booker T’s property backstage. She’s kind of like currency. Congratulations Nidia.
OH YEAH. THIS IS A GOOD, GOOD IDEA.
Question. You’re the XWF. You’ve already made the mistake of taking out the first letter of a 3 lettered successful business and put an X in front of it. Your booking team consists of Jimmy and the Nasty Boys, a man trapped in the 1980’s and an over the hill tag team. How can you improve this? BRING IN THE TASKMASTER! That’s right, the man who drove the Radicalz from WCW is in talks to help book the XWF. Jesus. Man oh man oh man. This federation just keeps looking better and better. Bring in Duke the Dumpster Drose! Make him commissioner! No, that’s Hogan’s job. I will bet money that when the fed is not doing well, he will decide that he is the answer and come out of retirement. Mark my words. PWTorch.com had that one.
HEY, LOOK! BILL’S BACK! AND HE LOOKS AWFUL. HE’S ALL GREEN AND SNARLING WAIT. THAT’S MELTZER.
Okay, Bill did an interview with wrestlingobserver.com. I’m going to skip to the main point. He thinks there is something wrong with working for the WWF, morally or something. I don’t know. What I do know is that he hates wrestling. Anyone who gets into this business not wanting to work for the WWF shouldn’t have been in it to begin with. Also, Bill loves pussy! He has three cats.
I DON’T FEEL LIKE READING THE DDP INTERVIEW, SO
COPY AND PASTE PICK O THE WEEK!
Diamond Dallas Page was a guest today, November 7th, on the Picozzi & Kevin the Afternoon Guy Show on The Rock 106.9 WCCC in Hartford, CT. DDP entered the studio in person as a live guest around 4:30 PM EST and stayed for a good 15 minutes.
Hosts Picozzi, Rube, and Rhino (co-host Kevin the Afternoon Guy was absent due to some kind of dirt bike injury..?) conducted the interview. One of the hosts said “Bang!” very loudly when DDP entered the studio. DDP chuckles and talks about coming back from England and the current tour of WWF live events in the New England area. DDP says life on the road is very hard work, but it can be rewarding.
Question: DDP is asked about when Vince McMahon bought WCW, and what happened with all of the contracts of the WCW guys.
Answer: DDP says that it all came down to big contracts. Vince didn’t want to just absorb every one of the WCW guys’ contracts; Vince wanted to see just who really wanted to sign with him (and take a buyout). DDP made it clear to his lawyer that he wanted to go to the WWF immediately; DDP wanted to be in the WWF since he was 8 years old. He says that he lost half a million dollars by taking the buyout. He said he would have made more money sitting on his ass. DDP admits that the stalking angle really didn’t work out. He said he tried his best at it.
DDP then goes on about his knee injury that happened a few months ago. During that time, he credits Jason Alexander and the “Bob Patterson” TV show as inspiration for his current character. DDP laughs, and thinks it’s a great gimmick. He then talks about his book, “Positively Page,” and says that he has never had a bad day in his life. He says that he always looks on the bright side of things.
Question: Are there any couples in the WWF, i.e. female wrestlers hooking up with other wrestlers?
Answer: DDP says he doesn’t get involved in any gossip. He reiterates that he doesn’t stir things up, and basically just dodges that question.
Next, the November 11th house show in Hartford is discussed. DDP notes that the show will be at the Hartford Civic Center at 2 PM. The hosts of the show talk about Kurt Angle and make jokes about the size of Angle’s neck. Page puts over Angle, noting his broken neck during the Olympics. The card of the November 11th Hartford show is discussed. Austin vs. The Rock is plugged; DDP talks about how after their match, Austin and The Rock do an improv/impromptu thing that’s “so entertaining.” DDP announces that he will have a match against Kane, and vows to kick Kane in the balls. DDP says that it will be a “full card,” and notes that after the show, they had to Boston for RAW.
Question: One of the hosts jokingly asks, “Is Steph (McMahon) putting on weight?”
Answer: DDP laughs and says she looks “GREAT.”
Question: What’s the biggest bump you’ve ever taken?
Answer: DDP recalls a time on Nitro before he was about to sign a contract for WCW. In a match with The Giant (Paul Wight), The Giant had ripped off the WCW letters on the Nitro set which weigh “150 pounds.” The Giant grabbed DDP by throat and was about to choke slam him off of the stage, which was about 7 feet up from the ground. Before The Giant executed the move, DDP said to him, “Don’t kill me, I haven’t signed my contract yet!”
Question: DDP is asked about his charity foundation to fight illiteracy, called “Bang It Out For Books.”
Answer: DDP says that as a child, he was dyslexic and illiterate. He says that he got through school by paying attention in class and cheating a lot. Page notes that he originally wanted to get into movies. He’s not proud that he cheated his way through school. At 31, Page decided he wanted to learn how to read. DDP likes to teach kids, and enjoys relating to and working with them. Says that one of his mottos is, “If you’re cheating and you’re not learning, you’re only cheating yourself.”
The hosts ask DDP to stick around to play something called “Dumbass Wednesday.” DDP agrees, and the show goes to commercial. When they come back, the Hartford event is plugged again.
Rube (one of the hosts) is challenged to go over to DDP and push him. Page is apparently staring down Rube. DDP says, “Rube, you’re really not that much of a dumbass, are you?” The hosts note to listeners that DDP had a look on his face that said, “Bring it on!” Rube gives him a really girly push. Everyone mocks Rube, but then he pushes Page harder. DDP executes a Diamond Cutter on Rube, who goes to the floor. Rube complains about his neck hurting, and DDP threatens to kick him in the balls. Page does so, and then calls Rube a dumbass several times. Rhino (one of the hosts) kicks Rube in the ass.
Picozzi thanks DDP for being on the show, and Page then leaves the studio.
After DDP left, Rube said he is genuinely in physical pain and that his balls hurt. Picozzi said DDP was a really cool guy. They talk about how big DDP’s arms are and how he used to be a bouncer. The Hartford show is plugged one last time before the hosts move on with their show.
Overall, my thoughts were that Page came across as a relatively friendly guy. He got along well with the hosts, and seemed to be having a good time in the studio. Although no earth-shattering statements were made and some of the stuff he said has already been said, it was still a fairly enjoyable appearance by DDP.
THE JEW, THE FITNESS MODEL AND THE FOREIGNER
Kidman doesn’t like the hot and heavy stuff going on between Tajiri and Torrie Wilson onscreen. Oh, when she was undressing Vince, it was fine. Now that it’s Tajiri, it’s news. That’s from Pwtorch again.
ONE LAST THING. Ummm, FLEA PARTIES WITH LAWYERS!
Flea parties with lawyers once a week. Are these coke parties Flea? Swap parties? Flea, you are a bad and dirty boy. He parties with lawyers once a week. Sick. Also, I’m killing the weekly Smackdown opinion. I usually like it, but that’s because I don’t have to give it stars.
PLUGGER BOY, WHAT IS THE SECRET OF YOUR POWER? PLUGGER BOY, WON’T YOU TAKE ME FAR AWAY FROM THE PLUGGY PLUG?
I need to get my hits up or Widro will can me! Read The Ledge! I write well!
I swear to you, I am not making a joke here. I recognize the E.C. Ostemeyer name from somewhere, and I think it was probably Wrestleline. I’m almost sure it was. I’m not trying to be a prick and pretend I don’t know the guy, cause I’m pretty sure he was somebody on the Internet Wrestling Scene who suddenly popped up here, but I need a reminder of which site he used to write for. I’m almost positive it was Wrestleline. Wow. We’re kind of becoming Wrestleline part two. Can I be Samuda? Go read some Mind Squeezings. It’s good.
Ron Gamble is back, and he does not like Sports Entertainment. He’s the preacher who loves that fake fighting! What a World this could be if it was according to Ron.
Looks like McCluskey watched Smackdown.
Um, anyone else to plug? I love plugging people. I bet Widro would like another one. Here you go, Widro!
Thank you, Joshua.
Not a problem, Widro. It was a pleasure.
The pleasure is you writing for me, Joshua.
Oh, Widro. Please. I’m going to be blushing like a school girl if you keep this up!
Then blush away! Blush until your face explodes in a cascade of pink and red!
Widro, you have made me giggle! Tee hee hee. Tee hee hee! OW! Widro! You have stabbed me!
That will teach you to call my site Wrestleline part two! It will teach you to die!
No! Widro! But we were Gridro!
Yes, once we were Gridro. Now I have a new partner in my field of love!
NO! NOT DANNY BENOVITZ!
HAHAHAHAHA! I am the Tornado Master! NUMBER ONE IS RIC FLAIR!
Okay, let’s wrap this up with a little love. Wait! One last thing. SCOTT! HEY SCOTT! THE UNDERTAKER BEAT BOTH KURT ANGLE AND STEVE AUSTIN! HE DID THIS ALL BY HIMSELF WITH NO INTERFERENCE! HAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ah. Scott’s going Bonzo Gonzo right now.
Dear Dr. Love,
My problem is not one which would probably be considered a problem by many guys, but trust me, it cause a whole bunch of them. I’m not sure what it is about me, but every girl I meet, seriously, falls for me. They ALL end up with crushes on me. Hot ones, ugly ones, preps, tom-boys, fat girls…ALL OF THEM. They attribute it to my good looks and the fact that I “treat them good.” Something about listening or whatever, I didn’t know that was a special thing. Anyhow, the point is, with all these girls liking me, it very often happens that groups of girls who are FRIENDS like me, you know, all at once. My question is, how do I resolve that situation peacefully? I mean, I want them to stay friends…the LAST thing I want is to break up a friendship. And I can’t just go banging all of them, cause it wouldn’t be right to them. What should I do Dr. Love?
Unfortunate Pimp Daddy
What a good question, UPD! Actually, I’d rather refer to you as PUD.
PUD, I feel you pain, and I kind of agree with you. You seem like a very nice guy who just happens to be exceptionally good looking. Breaking up friendships always leaves me with a great deal of guilt that makes the sex with both of the girls joyless. Well, not joyless, but definitely less joyful.
So, what I have tried to do in situations like this is to bring the friends closer together by getting them to experiment with one another. Yes sir, I have introduced a whole second culture to bisexuality. By a second culture, I mean the French. Before me, no French people were bisexual and the all hated one another. Now they’re all bisexual and they’re all good friends. Watch what happens when you mention my name to French people. I’ll bet they say something in French.
Hope I helped, PUD!
Hello, “love” Doctor, I thought I would seek your advice and expertise on a few subjects that numerous Mental Theripists and Psycologists could not seem to decipher.
1. Do I suffer the Mike Tyson Syndrome?
~My lovah will do almost anything to please me, possibly including the violation of her rectal cavity. Some might even call it a “sickness”, during one of our first sexual encounters, I silently joked with her that I might penitrate her anus while she slumbers in my bed. She aparantly shrugged it off as a joke. She woke up a while later in tears and a vasiline covered and agape anus. Before I continue, I’d like to include that while I don’t advocate “safe sex” I’m not fully against it and the same goes for….consentual sex. But doesn’t the term “rape” go a little as they say- “Overboard” on her part?
2. Do I love her?
~My lovah finally decided to consent to anal penitration! While that is great news in itself, there is a proverbial “bad side”. While I had the anus properlly lubbed and relaxed for the insertion of my penis, she paused and said: “I’m doing this for you, remember that…” I stopped and lifted an eyebrow in self-thought momentarily and after a 3 second sigh I lifted my shoulders up and then back down again to symbolize “Oh well” and proceeded to enter the tunnel of love. My lovah, obviously in pain- repeated numerous times: “You know I love you!”.. To myself I thought: “I’m pretty sure you do”…I then smiled and asked if I could ejaculate inside her rectum. She replied with: “What if I got pregnant?”…I laughed to myself to increase the level of iggnorance to such a proposturous question then I had a second thought: “Is that possible?” Then I again reminesed back to my high school health courses that taught me that the digestive system has no detour to the reproductive system. Besides, there’s no possibility of the Sperm being able to survive a reverse trip through the Intestinal tract I could go into more detail, but the bottom line is this: It’s an “exit” hole. Where was I? AH Yes, does the fact that I continued and ejaculated inside her even after multiple clues that she didn’t approve mean I don’t love her?
3. Does my infatuation with anal sex denote a repressed homosexuality?
~The Old “Mr. Ass” theme song plays a huge part of my life. “I like to stick ’em, I like to lick ’em, I like to kick “em, I like to rub ’em. …..Yes, I’ve “tossed” my girlfreind’s “salad”.. and rather enjoyed it.
“Lost” in Uranus
What a good question Lost! Let’s answer this question in 3 parts!
1. Only Mike Tyson suffers from Mike Tyson syndrome. Well, Mike Tyson and Daniel Benovitz.
2. Ejaculation in the back door does not mean love. In fact, Plato believed it represented fear of geese. Plato had a very great fear of geese.
3. Yes, yes, yes. Very much so. Really, this question is a little out of my league. You should be talking with Widro about this kind of thing.
Hope I helped, Lost!
Why is it that even all of internet fans are pussys, some feel free to email a columnist(that they don’t know) and ask for help on there love life? I think you handled it well though!
This person did not give a name, and I’ve decided not to use real names anymore. I might get kicked out of NYU. What a dick.
Not all internet fans are pussies. Many are dicks and a-holes as well. As for asking for help on THEIR love life, well, I see myself as more of a helper of the imaginary love life. I mean, come on! You don’t expect internet wrestling fans to have a real love life, do you? I see myself helping them with their little fantasies now in preparation for the future when they peel themselves up off of their spew covered computer chair and go out to a club or bar and try to meet women or men. I know you’re all insulted right now, but trust me, one day when you least expect it, this will actually happen.
Hope I helped!
Dear Dr. O’ Love,
My girlfriend keeps complaining about the number of women I have over to
“study” with in my bedroom behind closed doors with music playing loud
enough to shake the apartment while she’s cooking me dinner.
Is it a problem if I just ask her to go shopping in the future, or should I
start bringing back graded “papers” to show her?
Also, should she even have the right to be suspicious? I mean, she already
has the right to vote.
Querying in Q-Ville
What a good question Querying!
Yes, women have the right to vote and the right to be suspicious. However, if she doesn’t trust you, you should not be with her. Trust is the corner stone of any relationship. In God We Trust is cemented on the one dollar bill. George Washington is on the one dollar bill, and because he could not a lie he told his father that he cut down the cherry tree. Thus, yes, I feel that George Washington and his father could have possibly had a very caring romantic relationship based on trust.
Hope I helped, Querying!
Recently I have come under attack by a superbitch Ex-Girlfriend by the name of Eleni who lives in R.I. and who’s phone number is 1-(555)-555-7664. This woman has soiled my name by calling me an underappreciative asshole who only thinks of himself, when in actuality, I treated her like she was a diamond (Despite the fact she’s actually a
lump of coal, especially in bed). This woman has cost me almost every friend I have AND the opportunity to go out with several other women who dont have a weight problem and are not closet lesbians.
Now, My question to you is what weapon would -YOU- use to kill a 4,000 pd Selfish, Weezer-loving baboon girl who dumped you and still feels the need to ruin your life?
I HATE F-ING EMOS in R.I.
Now, this was not a very good question, I Hate. I am sorry that I had to edit your letter so badly, but do you want to go to jail? By the way, I changed the phone number for you brilliant readers calling 555-7664 right now.
Now, to answer your question Eleni likes Weezer? Ooh, I like Weezer. And she’s a closet lesbian! That means that we could probably get another girl in on the fun! I tell you what, I Hate. This girl has hurt you very badly, and if something should happen to her, the police would immediately consider you to be the lead suspect. Leave her to me. I’ll take her out for you. Uh huh. Also, if you have any other friends that you consider to be closet lesbians, send me their names also. I’ll take them out when I take our Eleni.
Hope I helped, I Hate!
Dear Doctor Love Joshua Stephan Gruntman,
I am a young and lonely man, just about to finish my first semester of college. Man nothing has gone right so far. I have not been invited to one party or orgy. I’m not looking for my soul mate, just a warm body at night. I am constantly kicked out of my dorm room by my roommate so that he may have sex with a bevy of beauties.
Oh DLJSG what can I do to be the one who kicks my roommate out so that I might partake in the wild sexual experiences that have thus far been denied to me? Where do I go to find easy chicks? How many condoms should I wear? Is it kosher for me to have my super-mega box of 1000 condoms lying by the bed? Should I ditch my cow print bed sheets? Maybe make my desktop something other then a giant picture of the Care Bears? Please help!!!
-Missing out in OKC
What a good question, MOIOKC!
I see a serious question in here mixed in with the jokes. You are jealous of your roommates. Well, in order to quell that jealousy, you must sleep with them. I know this. I’ve seen Chasing Amy. Remember when Ben Affleck kissed that guy who’s in everything Kevin Smith does but I can’t remember his name? Now, Ben didn’t do that because he was gay. He did that to end the jealousy, and now so must you. That will solve the wild sexual experience thing as well as the problem of not having a warm body to hold at night.
Hope I helped MOIOKC!
This is the Love Doctor Joshua Stephen Grutman, telling you to prepare for the revenge of the FLEA! And Eric S. will be up after him. And then back to me. And then to Flea again. Then Eric S. gets a turn. Then it becomes my turn again. Then Flea is up. Then Eric S. goes. Then we prepare for the big startling announcement in which we welcome back me again. Then Flea goes. Then it skips ahead, past Eric S., past me, past Flea and becomes Eric S.’ turn. Then I go. Then Flea writes the news. Then Eric S. will have two day during which he will express his opinion. Then I go. Then Flea goes. Flea will lead to Eric S. who will lead to Joshua Grut who will lead right back to Flea as on this website write we t