There are so many levels of pain inside a human soul, and the WWF seems intent on exploring all of them.
That’s all I can stans, and I can’t stans no more – Popeye the Sailor
In Memoriam: Ken Kesey. Start handing out the Kool-Aid to the angels up there; they look like they need a laugh or two. It makes you wonder, though: if people tripping on LSD see angels, what would angels tripping on LSD see?
Well, X-Box comes out Thursday, Harry Potter on Friday. Two signs of the Apocalypse down, five to go. Any bets on SurSer being number three?
Hope that all of you in countries on the winning side of WWI had a good Veterans’ Day/Armistice Day/Remembrance Day, and properly acknowledged your fellow citizens who took up arms in defense of their country. I know that none of you bastards did, since I didn’t get a goddamn thing from any of you, not even a thank-you note. Well, that isn’t necessarily true; Grut was going to get a hooker for me, but I told him to use the generous gift himself, since he needs it a lot more than I do right now.
THE PIMP SECTION
We’ve been down all weekend. There’s nothing to pimp.
A MINOR CORRECTION
Last week, I mentioned Betty Cohen as being head of Cartoon Network. I hadn’t read that she resigned. W. McIntyre, who was the man who prompted me to write the “wrestling is an afterthought” screed last week (and, BTW, now agrees with me on the subject), thought she had, then did the legwork for me on it, God love him (although I will disagree with you on Samurai Jackoff, Mac). Yes, she did resign. So what does this have to do with wrestling? Guess who took her place? Brad Siegel. I now fear for the more adult developments to the channel that started taking place under Cohen (the restoration of the Fleischer black-and-white Popeyes, the specials pitched to adult audiences, Justice League (which premieres Saturday), Adult Swim). It’s no big secret that Siegel’s boss, Jamie Kellner, in addition to being Satan Incarnate, wants to mesh the entire AOLTW animation apparatus into one gooey mess, and using CN’s successful Toonami as a crutch for the Pokewasteland known as Kids’ WB (which Kellner wrecked while heading it) is just the first sign. Kellner’s pretty much decimated Warner Brothers Animation and has made major cuts in Cartoon Network Animation’s staff; he’s trying to be the Bischoff of animation, having a major hand in destroying two legendary studios (CNA is the former Hanna-Barbera). Pray for Cartoon Network, folks. They’re going to need all the help they can get.
FUN AND GAMES AT COMDEX
Remember those signs of the Apocalypse I was talking about? I think that Bill Gates playing an interview of himself dressed as Harry Potter during his Comdex keynote speech might just qualify. The annual orgy for computer types is taking place in Vegas this week, and Gates thrilled ’em with talk of a “digital decade” that, when combined with what we know of M$’s plans for world domination, came across as the “Mein Kampf” of the computer era. That man is scaring me more and more with each passing day. He already has his own Goering in Monkey Boy. He’s been lining up infernal forces for his assault on all that is right and good: Harry Potter, Flex, game design companies, Chuck Colson using WinXP as proof that God exists…dammit, where’s my copy of Dante when I need it? A pithy quote from “Inferno” would work so well here, although, knowing me, I’d do the quote in Italian and pretty much no one would know what I was talking about.
CNN.COM = FUCKING LIARS
Ah, deceptive headlines from cnn.com, how sweet. How can you put in a headline that says that Dubbaya would have won Florida regardless, then contradict yourself in the article by stating that, under certain interpretations of the ballot, Gore would have won? Are they taking lessons from 1bullshit on how to write headers over there? Time to slap these bitches with some Journalism 101, in the interest of fairness, of course. Let’s just stick with the facts, as established by my homies at my alma mater, the University of Chicago. Quotes are from the cnn.com article published Sunday:
1) If that recount had proceeded under the standard that most local election officials said they would have used, the study found that Bush would have emerged with 493 more votes than Gore. The heavily Republican election officials, it should be added, who might have altered their criteria over the past year in order to lessen controversy and suck up to a certain presidental son/brother who sits in the governor’s chair, not to mention that Bozo The Clown lookalike in Halston who holds the office of Secretary of State in Florida.
2) Suppose that Gore got what he originally wanted — a hand recount in heavily Democratic Broward, Palm Beach, Miami-Dade and Volusia counties. The study indicates that Gore would have picked up some additional support but still would have lost the election — by a 225-vote margin statewide. This, of course, does not include any of the fooferaw about the confusion over the butterfly ballot in Palm Beach County. Yes, the ballot was approved by a Demo, but there was legit, well-established confusion. Younger Demos like myself are bemoaning the lack of available ice floes and Eskimos in Palm Beach to perform the proper task on the Alzheimer’s fodder down there. And speaking of Palm Beach County, they did do one thing right:
3) The county elections board determined that a chad hanging by up to two corners was valid and that a dimple or a chad detached in only one corner could also count if there were similar marks in other races on the same ballot. If that standard had been adopted statewide, the study shows a slim, 42-vote margin for Gore. A perfectly valid standard, I have to add. This criterion clearly shows intent of the voter, doesn’t it?
4) Viz. overvotes: The consortium looked at what might have happened if a statewide recount had included these overvotes as well and found that Gore would have had a margin of fewer than 200 votes. If you count the undervotes, you should count the overvotes as well. It’s only fair and equitable, something that never crossed the mind of the GOP (and, to be fair, didn’t occur to the Demos either; it just goes to show that playing politics has no place in politics).
5) Now let’s bring in the butterfly ballot, shall we? According to the study, 5,277 voters made a clean punch for Gore and a clean punch for Reform Party nominee Pat Buchanan…An additional 1,650 voters made clean punches for Bush and Buchanan. Making the logical assumption that no one in their right minds, even the aforementioned Alzheimer’s fodder, would vote for Pat Buchanan, that would mean that Gore should have had 3627 votes more than he did, enough to beat Dubbaya by over 3K.
To summarize, it doesn’t matter what the certified results were. Morally and by intent of the voters, Al Gore should be president right now. No, I will NEVER give up on this issue, so don’t ask.
WARNING: PROVOCATIVE STATEMENT AHEAD THAT PEOPLE WILL MISINTERPRET LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO WITH WHAT I SAY
I’ve been keeping a little theory under my hat for fear of pissing people off even more than I have, but it has pertinence to this: if Al Gore had been properly inaugurated as president on January 20th, September 11th wouldn’t have happened. Here’s the logic, or whatever passes for it when you try to combine my reasoning with that of Osama bin Laden: bin Laden’s raison d’etre for his jihad against the US is that the US “defamed” the holy sites of Islam by having troops in Saudi Arabia in 1990. Who was responsible for that “defamation”? The people who are now holding the offices of Secretary of State and Vice President, and the father of the current President. From bin Laden’s viewpoint, the election was a “provocative” act against Islam, legitimizing desecration. An “provocative” act of this sort requires a provocative act in return.
Please note: I am NOT, repeat NOT, repeat again NOT, stating that Dubbaya, Powell, and Cheney were responsible for what happened, so close the e-mail window. I am saying that their presence in high office may have pushed bin Laden into taking a more drastic action than bombing a couple embassies or blowing a hole in the side of a ship. If it was Madeline Albright and Joe Lieberman in their proper positions, bin Laden probably wouldn’t have done what he did. Just something to think about when you go to the polls three years from now.
That being said, with Ramadan starting on Saturday, should the US and Britain continue bombing? Yes. Strategically, it makes no sense to stop now, especially since the Northern Alliance is actually behaving like a military force instead of a bunch of squabbling morons who let tribal differences get in the way of actually doing their job. But what about respecting the religious beliefs of others and honoring their holidays? Apparently the world’s Muslims who are bitching about bombing during Ramadan have forgotten 1973. The good Muslims of Egypt and Syria, with the support of the good Muslims of Jordan and Iraq (and financed by the especially good Muslims of Saudi Arabia, the guardians of the Holy Cities), invaded Israel on one of the High Holy Days, Yom Kippur (BTW, that also took place during Ramadan). So, if Muslims don’t respect others’ religious holidays, or even their own, why should anyone respect theirs? That invading force set a precedent for violating the prohibition against warfare during Ramadan. Sorry, folks, the genie’s out of the bottle on this one. Either accept it, or be a religious hypocrite, and there’s a special place in the afterlife for the latter. And if I could find that copy of Dante, I could probably tell you exactly where.
THE “REAL” SPORTS SECTION
Not a good Sunday for me and mine. I’m depressed that James Allen couldn’t grab the ball on that final play (he was clear, dammit, and knowing the Bears, they would have got the two-point to tie and take Yet Another Game Into Overtime). BFM’s depressed because Kris Brown picked this week to prove that he could kick field goals. Fans of every team other than the Rams are depressed when they look at the combined running yardage of Faulk and Canidate (328 yards?! Is this the NFC West or the Big 12?). Colts fans are depressed about seeing Faulk’s numbers and thinking that Edgerrin James is out for the year. Fans of Seattle are depressed that Genius Holmgren couldn’t figure out a way to get Shaun Alexander 13 more yards, and Raiders fans expressed their depression in their normal way, a drunken orgy of violence, that their D couldn’t stop Alexander. The most depressed people of all are Ricky Watters and Drew Bledsoe, who are seeing their high paychecks vanish into the breeze.
Okay, it’s now time for baseball writers to prepare in advance for reasons not to vote Mark McGwire into the Hall of Fame five years from now. May I suggest this one: “He only hit nine triples”. That’s just about the only bad thing you can say about him. Class act for letting go of gobs of guaranteed cash because he wasn’t living up to his own expectations. Thanks for the fun, Big Mac, and enjoy your retirement (although some people in STL are complaining just an eentsy-weentsy bit that you should have made the announcement before season ticket renewal letters came out). You can start by getting Giambi over to STL. It would cause BFM to jump for joy, and it would also cause major, major pain for a certain minor-league team on the North Side of Chicago. So everyone wins.
The interminable World Cup qualifying season is actually nearing an end. Africa finished a while back, CONCACAF qualifying terminated on Sunday, European qualifying ends on Thursday, and the South Americans tie things up next week. For those readers in the US, yes, our team qualified and will be going to Japan and South Korea. You probably didn’t notice or care. Well, having been in Germany in 1990 when they won it all, I appreciate the importance of the event to the rest of the world, and therefore it merits mention by me. I’d like to give a special award for hyperbole to the Turkish press, which treated their team’s 1-0 victory on the road over Austria on Sunday as revenge for the Ottoman Empire getting their asses kicked by the Austrian Army in 1683. No, really, they did. I can’t make that kind of shit up.
I also can’t make up the kind of mind-numbing drivel that the WWF is broadcasting right now as an excuse for a wrestling program. Let’s go to the Short Form and handicap their sad, pathetic efforts this week. Before I do, though, I’d like to officially welcome Scott Keith over to the Dark Side. Now he’s starting to see the light on what I’ve been saying about Flex for two goddamn years now…
THE SHORT FORM
Edina and Patsy over Reality and Fact, British Tag Team Championship Match (Submission, booze and drugs): I said “Fuck it”, threw in the towel, and just watched the new episode of AbFab on Comedy Central for the first half hour. What the hell was I going to miss? A McMahon family squabble, Austin going off in a promo, and a mixed tag or something that means absolutely nothing to anything? If you really must know what happened, hell, we have a recap and a rant here. Or I’ll just summarize what I saw during Comedy Central’s interminable commercials:
Edge over Kurt Angle, WCW US Title Match (Pinfall, spear, New Champion): What I saw was pretty good, just what was to be expected of the competitors. The fact that the title changed hands only makes sense, though, in context of the next match and the entire night.
Matt and Jeff Hardy over Booker T and Test, WWF Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Jeff pins Booker, Litacanrana, New Champions): Okay, so it’s going to be the WWF’s night now, and maybe on SD as well, thus setting up an Alliance win at the PPV. Could they be more obvious? I caught the pinfall and resisted the urge to say “bullshit” at the screen at Yet Another Hardys Title Win. God, I’m sick of them.
Steve Austin over Tazz, Punishment Match: The commercials lasted long enough for me to see this entire match, and it was pretty much just a waste of time, there to set up Shane’s pissy promo about teamwork, punctuated by Steph’s banshee howl of “I want a team, goddammit!” (and Powell’s on drugs if he thinks Shane’s promo was good). I so do not care right now…
And it was back to Raw after this for me, glutton for punishment that I am.
Buh Buh Ray and D’Von Dudley versus Scott Taylor and Albert, WCW Tag Title Match (No Match): The participants pushed the Apathy Meter so high that I couldn’t even care about my Beautiful and Beloved getting stripped down to her panties.
Rob Van Dam over The Undertaker, WWF Hardcore Title Match (Pinfall, Five-Star Frog Splash): No-selling a cross-body off the Titantron may just be a new record, even for UT. The lengths this match went to keep Van Dam’s heat and UT’s image were ridiculous, and caused yet more damage to Booker’s rep, damage that he can ill afford right now. Does anyone take Booker seriously anymore? If you still did after Lita’s nonsense earlier, you can’t now.
The Big Show over Christian, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, right cross into chair into Christian’s face): If there’s supposed to be this disunity among the Alliance, how come the Alliance seems to be working on the same (Diamond Dallas) page? Well, Regal did set that up, which proves, as we all suspected, that he’s the smartest man in the WWF. As for the alleged match itself, I had to take a piss.
Flex over Your WCW Commissioner, WCW Title Match (Submission, World’s Shittiest Sharpshooter): (sounds of vomiting in background)
The Disunity Fandango: Austin isn’t trusted by the Alliance. Booker doesn’t like Austin. Tazz doesn’t like Austin. Shane’s trying to manfully take back control. Jericho doesn’t like Flex. Flex doesn’t like Jericho. UT has a problem with Vince. Vince has a problem with everyone. Mick Foley hates title belts. Steph’s still a complete bitch. This would make for compelling television except for one key factor: we don’t care about any of them or their little problems.
Jericho Gives The Message: Thank you, Mister Irvine, for crystallizing my attitude toward Flex and the audience so perfectly in so few words: “I’m sick of the People’s Eyebrow, I’m sick of the People’s Elbow, and, frankly, if they can’t understand where I’m coming from, I’m sick of the People too.” So take that to the bank, you morons. As for the rest of Vince’s idle threats, you think the Alliance wouldn’t offer Jericho a position if 1) this was real and 2) they won? Get a clue, Vince. The whole capper to this? Flex making himself out yet again as the Defender of the People. It just reminded me yet again why I compared him to Stalin.
A Soothing Cup Of Tea: Christian needs to learn how to do a proper spit-take. He telegraphed it too much. Nice to see him going with the D’Lo/Al Snow European Identity routine, though. It always works.
Karaoke Night: I don’t know what stopped me from putting my head into the nearest wall to try to stop the pain. This was one promo that will definitely scar any of the younger people watching. I don’t know what was worse, the initial catchphrase versus catchphrase routine or the lawsuit fodder for Tanya Tucker, Kenny Rogers, and Jimmy Buffett that followed. All I know is that I now understand how some people can turn to heroin. Terminal addiction has to be better than this.
AND NOW FOR THE REST OF THE WRESTLING NEWS…
In case you were lucky enough to miss Raw, there’s been two title unification matches announced for SurSer. Edge and Test will get it on to make the secondary belts one (thus explaining the booking in part), and Dudz versus Hardyz Part Eight Billion will take place in a steel cage (thus explaining another part of the booking). Yippie. Regal versus Tajiri was implied during Foley’s promo, so we can assume that that one’s on, and it does save us from X-Pac going over Yoshi. Mick’s right about Pac. He’s MIA and no one really cares, and no one will until Hall and Nash get to the WWF.
Mike Awesome suffered some sort of knee injury on Saturday at a Cleveland house show while facing the Big Show. It curtailed his ability to work his match at Sunday’s house show in Hartford. There’s no word right now on what the exact injury is or how serious it might be.
According to Bob Ryder, the WWF made a major play to get either Bill Goldberg or Eric Bischoff on board just prior to the July 9th Raw in Atlanta. The money required to get Goldberg to void his Time-Warner contract proved to be the backbreaker on that one. Bisch was on an extended July 4th vacation with his kids, which hampered an easy resolution to what was apparently a last-minute decision. The inability to get either of them led, supposedly, to the decision to go with reviving ECW at that edition of Raw.
Now, the question becomes, do you believe Chester the Molester? He’s been the Boswell to Bisch’s Johnson for so long that it’s obvious who the source of this was. Bisch has been taking a rather high profile lately with the response to Jericho’s comments and all, and this may be the Grey-Maned One’s attempt to make nice with Vince. Also, getting Bisch on board would have been an uncharacteristically intelligent move for the WWF, who have successfully and extendedly f*cked up a fan’s wet dream since before WM with the meta-angle. I’ve been saying for a while that Bisch’s presence would have meant the difference in this whole situation, and if the WWF was considering bringing him on, even belatedly, this whole angle would have played out a great deal better than it had.
If 1bullshit is to be believed on that, you could probably also believe them on their report that Eddy Guerrero will be back in the ring tomorrow night at an HWA show. If it is true, that’s really good news. After Raw, I miss Eddy more than ever. I’m also missing Trip, and Benoit, and whatever brain cells might have fled while watching.
I’ll see you guys tomorrow night, when we should have more word on what the final SurSer card should be like. I’ll then give my feelings about SurSer, since I don’t know if those snot-nosed kid feature writers will invite me into the Round Table. Until then, have a good one.