A Wrestling Tale 11.13.01: Wrestling Freaks


“Did I tell you?”

“Wow. These are amazing seats.”

“Amazing. Four rows back. Who’s the man, baby?”

“Don’t call me baby here. We don’t want these guys to think we’re gay.”

“Give me a break. Who’s the man, baby?”

“All right. You’re the man, baby!”

“Damn straight! Not gay. Straight. Baby is a Swingers thing.”

“Isn’t that Prototype?”


“Prototype. He wrestles for OVW.”

“OVW? What the hell is that? Ovulation Vagina Wrestling?”

“Heh. Ohio Valley Wrestling.”

“They have wrestling in Ohio?”

“They have wrestling everywhere, but I think OVW is in Kentucky.”

“Then why do they call it Ohio Valley Wrestling?”

“Cause it’s near the Ohio Valley.”

“Oh. That’s nice. BORRRING! BORRRING!”

“Shut up man! We just got here.”

“BORRRING! BORRRING! We want X-Pac! We want X-Pac! Why aren’t my cheers getting picked up?”

“It’s just the dark matches. Relax.”

Later on that evening.


“Shut up man! You’re not supposed to yell during the national anthem.”

“I know, but Lillian Garcia is so hot! Man, I’d put my Did she just look at me?”

“Yeah. She doesn’t look very happy.”

“She just gave me the finger! Did you see that?”

“You’re nuts.”

“No way! Lillian Garcia just gave me the finger. Did you see how she was holding the microphone? She was clearly giving me the finger!”

“Shut up man.”

“This is awesome! I LOVE YOU LILLIAN!”

Later on that evening.

“Put the sign down.”

“No way! The camera’s on me!”

“You can’t put your sign up every time the camera’s on you. It’s been on you like 20 times. The people behind us our complaining.”

“Fine. I’ll put it down. The camera’s back on us! WOO HOO! YEAH! LOOK AT ME AMERICA!”

“Ow! Somebody just threw something at me!”


“It’s like a peanut or something. Ow. LOOK, IT’S NOT MY FAULT! Ow!”

“This is awesome. This reeks of awesomeness!”

“I just got hit in the head with two peanuts! Everyone has seen your sign. Put it down and let everyone enjoy the show!”

“No f*cking way man! We’re on television!”

“Look, everyone now knows that the Rock rules. You’ve held up the sign enough.”

“The camera’s back on us! ROCK RULES! ROCK-Y! ROCK-Y!”


Later that evening.

“I love these backstage sketches.”

“How much of Vince do we have to see in one night?”

“To be honest with you, sometimes I think that Vince shouldn’t be on Raw so much also.”


“He should be in the movies. Did you see Shallow Hal?”

“You think that Vince should be a movie star? He’s an overacting billionaire.”

“I think he would’ve been great in Shallow Hal. I mean, the guy practically is Shallow Hal.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, remember that whole thing with Trish and his thing with Torrie?”

“Uh huh.”

“You know what would be hot? If the WWF made a porno movie with Vince, Torrie and Trish doing a threesome.”


“Anyway, so he’s this horny guy who wants to have sex with all of these hot girls, but he keeps going back to his ugly wife. It’s exactly like Shallow Hal.”

“Okay. Did you catch what just happened? I was too busy being enthralled by your words to catch it.”

“Vince just offered to give his daughter to Kane if Kane beats Stone Cold tonight.”

“How biblical of them.”

“How is that biblical? Nevermind, I don’t care. You are so stupid sometimes. THE CAMERA’S ON US! WOOHOO! ROCK-Y! ROCK-Y! WE WANT X-PAC! WE WANT X-PAC!”

“Ow! Look, if you don’t like his sign and cheering, throw things at him, not me! Ow!”

Later that evening.

“Look, just do me a personal favor, okay?”

“Whatever you want.”

“There’s only about half an hour left, okay?”


“I’ve been hit in the head with a whole lot of crap, okay?”

“Have you been? Who’s throwing stuff?”

“Some guys back there.”

“Maybe if you didn’t talk so much during the matches they wouldn’t throw crap at you.”

“It’s not me.”

“Yeah it is. Why do you think they’re doing it?”

“Because of you! Look, it’s not that I don’t appreciate the great seats and all, but this is really hurting my head! Everyone who watches RAW has seen your sign. There are about fifty similar signs in the arena. You have nothing original to say, you’re annoying people, you’re getting me hit in the head with stuff and we do not want X-Pac! You are embarrassing me and hurting me and you are just the biggest goddamned mark in the building! Knock it off!”

” ”

“Sorry. Someone had to say it. Ow! I got him to stop! Stop throwing stuff.”

Later that evening.

“I’m sorry.”

” ”

“Look, I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have said that.”

” ”

“This is a pretty good Kane match, isn’t it? Steve Austin really brings out the best in people.”

” ”

“Oh, come on! I’m sorry. I shouldn’t take my wrestling so seriously. You bought and paid for these seats. You should be able to do whatever the hell you want to do.”

” ”

“Don’t be like this man. Come on.”

” ”

“All right, what do I have to do? Give me the sign. Look, the camera is on us! WOO HOO! I’M AN IDIOT! I LOVE THE ROCK! I LOVE THE ROCK! Ow! Now you hit the guy with the sign!”

” ”

“I’m sorry. Listen, we should go get some beers after this. My treat.”

” ”

“Beers man! I’m buying you beers! Beers are supposed to make everything better between bros.”

” ”

“Fine. Be like that. Fine!”

” ”

“You know what? This is a really good main event. Only one thing can make this main event better.”

” ”

“You know what this main even needs? You know what I want this main event to have? You know the only thing that could make this a Keithcop five-star classic?”

” ”

“Only one man can do it. We want X-Pac.”

” ”


“We want X-Pac.”


“We want X-Pac!”






“You’re a real dick, you know that? I go out of my way to get out of work so I can stand on line for 5 hours so I can get these tickets for you and me, and then you yell at me for being excited when I get here.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Ow!”

“What? You get hit in the head?”

“No. You were saying it so much tonight that I thought it was some kind of smart chant or something.”

“No, it’s a get hit in the head chant.”

“I’m confused.”

“It’s okay. The camera’s on you!”

“It’s all right. Everyone knows that Rocky rules.”

“He sure does, and they sure do. Oh! Wow. That’s a bit of a surprise.”

“This match was non-title, right?”

“Well, yeah, but now Kane gets Stephanie.”

“Can Vince do that? I don’t think parents can sell their older than 18 daughters in to slavery. I think being older than 18 makes you emancipated.”

“I don’t think that Hunter is going to be very happy about any of this.”


“Triple H.”

“Ah. He’s Stephanie’s husband, right?”

“Uh huh. He’s only been gone for a few months.”




“Hey! It caught on! You started a chant!”


“Yes sir, slut. Slut indeed.”

Later that evening.

“So then Chyna started bitching and moaning about jobbing to women, and Vince called her bluff and wished her good luck with her Hollywood career. Her name is Joanie or something. Her highest profile job was doing celebrity Fear Factor.”

“Wow, Playboy really changes a person. First Sable, then her.”

“Also, that girl on Tough Enough mentioned Playboy and then she was gone.”

“Playboy is the curse of WWF women.”

“Yeah, Playboy and leaving your gym bags where people can get to them.”

“Ha! I don’t get it. You know what?”


“I know that I’m a mark and you’re a smart. We’re two very different people, but the one thing that we truly have in common is a common love of wrestling. Sure, you might be a bit of a critic while I might accept everything that they lay before me, and I might love the Undertaker and X-Pac while you hate everyone except for Benoit and Jericho and Storm, but deep inside, I think we’re the same.”

“You’re right. We should sing a song about it!”

Well, I like X-Pac.

I think he’s crap.

I cheer the crotch chop.

I take a nap.

I am a net guy.

I do not care.

I get Smackdown spoilers.

You get what where?

But we both love this thing

That takes place in the ring

Wrestling fills our hearts with joy!

I’d rather that we sing

About the joy that Kane can bring

While using Stephanie as a sex toy!

And when it all is done

We can say we had some fun

With 5 solid hours each week!

While I’d never tell my hun

About the Assman Billy Gunn

I’d proclaim myself a wrestling geek! (YES SIR!)

I’d proclaim myself a wrestling freak! (Get out of this bar.)