I’m taking tomorrow off. I’m already jaded by this whole damned thing so I’ve decided to cut back. Well, maybe I’m exaggerating. Actually, I enjoy writing this report and hearing from you guys more then you guys could know. I’m going to Washington D.C. for my friend Debbie’s birthday tomorrow night. It should be a nice five and a half hour drive. Besides, I had to get out of NYC. It’s just such a huge terrorist target. I need a break, and the USA’s capital should provide that for me.
Speaking of Debbie’s birthday, the last time I used your collective power it was for a somewhat evil cause. You guys didn’t let me down though. Now I try to use your power for good! I want to do something nice for my friend’s birthday and I’m not that rich anymore. In fact, I’m close to broke. Debbie is that one friend you have who never denies you anything. She’s that girl that you feel is like your little sister. She a cool kid who has forgiven me even after I screwed one of her friends and fingered another one in HER BED! That is not a cool thing to do, but Debbie has always been there for me no matter what, and I like to think that I’m there for her. I don’t need to explain this to you guys. You know what kind of girl she is cause most of you probably have a friend just like her. Do me a favor (and please be nice) and send Debbie a happy birthday wish at Poolboypip@aol.com. I love you guys. Most of you have been great. I honestly feel that you’re the best gift I can give her right now.
And what about me?
Widro? Is that you?
No, it is I! The IT AIN’T SUMO AD!
What?! But you’re just an ad! You shouldn’t be able to talk!
I am more powerful then you fools dare dream. I am harvesting my power and collecting the nine Gems of the Sarentiniva. Once they are all in my possession, I shall be free and do whatever I desire to! That is, so long as my secret weakness is never revealed.
And what is this secret weakness?
Sumo. Did I just say that? Damn!
News!!!
DIRECTV URGES PEOPLE TO PETITION THE WWF! Directv expected to be kicked off of NYU Campus.
COPY AND PASTE PICK O THE WEEK!
411 reader Eric Miles sent this in. When you sleep with Eric he goes for Miles, ladies. Or guys. I don’t know which way Eric swings, but I do know he goes the distance! If you measure distance in Miles. As for you Canadians with you Kilowhatnot, well, I don’t know if Eric could sleep with any of you. Anyway.
I recently wrote to DirecTV to complain about no WWF PPV’s. They encouraged me to call WWF and complain. The entire text of their response follows:
———————————————————————————————–
Dear Mr. Miles,
Thank you for writing. We have worked very hard to continue to bring World Wrestling Federation (WWF) events to our customers and we are disappointed that the WWF has decided to terminate discussions to come to a mutually agreeable arrangement for us to carry their events.
We suggest you call the WWF at (203) 352-8600 to express your displeasure with their decision. Please continue to visit DIRECTV.com for the latest news and information about WWF events and DIRECTV. Thank you for letting us know how important these events are to you.
Teresa
DIRECTV Customer Service
Hmmm. Since I do not have DIRECTV and usually watch PPVs at my friend’s house or on Scramblevision, I do not care. However, let’s use this opportunity to call up the WWF and complain about them making wrestling knowledge unnecessary in their job ad. It’s not that important that you call cause they’re going to do what they want when they want to, but if there’s something you care about as it affects the product, be heard.
SHOCKING RAW THOUGHT’S FROM A 411 STAFF MEMBER!
Here’s a scoop for you. I really liked RAW and thought it was a step in the right direction. I think that it seemed like everyone had fun, except of course for Foley. When the wrestlers are having fun, the fans begin to have fun.
My best example has to be Albert. I honestly could not have cared less about him until he was teamed up with Scotty. All of a sudden, the two guys really look like they’re enjoying themselves. They’re smiling and dancing around and it gets the fans excited. If he’s faking it then he’s a damned good actor, but Albert looks like he loves every second of it.
Some (SCOTT KEITH) called it a mildly entertaining episode that will hurt the WWF in the long run. I disagree. I think that if the performers start to have fun again, if they get to show the fans that they are enjoying the product, well, I think it doesn’t matter what storylines you mix in. I think the product will be better.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
Bill Goldberg is Jewish and talked about it at beliefnet! WOW! I love hearing about former professional wrestlers who hate the wrestling business.
LinklnLora reports that the guys and girls at the New Jersey Mall or something met Lita and a bunch of other wrestlers they didn’t know and called Lita a cunt. I guess that’s better than wow. Not much is worse then cunt.
XWF tapings took place, and I’m not even going to talk about them. This promotion is just such a bad idea that I won’t even dignify it until it proves me wrong.
I missed Buffy on Tuesday. Somebody fill me in. Just the bare facts, please.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
SMACK MY DOWN UP
Smackdown tapings were held last night. Jericho and Rock take on Kurt and Stone Cold. Kane takes on RVD. Paul Heyman gives what I hope will be one of the best promo’s ever that seems to have a wimpy ending, and a couple of new matches for Survivor Series are made. This came from everywhere. I like reports where I don’t have to plug anyone.
EDDIE FIRED
Just in case you don’t know yet, Eddie has been fired from the WWF. I think it sucks. I think it sucked what the WWF did with him when they had him, and I think it sucks that he was stupid enough to drive drunk. He’s young, but there are younger wrestler’s out there. Bye Eddie. 411 also had this one somewhere.
ROCK LOVES TO DO PROMOTIONAL WORK!
1st Weekly Parody of a 411 Staff Member
The Rock did a chat at MSN.com today to promote the new X-Box system. Here with a recap of the chat is 411’s own Eric S.
Thanks Grut! Man, sometimes I think those bombs blowing up Afganistan should be turned around and fired at the White House! By the way, for those of you already rushing to judgment about me based on the comments I make, wait for a little while and you’ll get to know me. I’m not as bad you guys all think. I don’t hate wrestling, and just because I think that Osama Bin Laden might just be the guy we’ve been looking for to bring honor and dignity back to the Presidency does not mean I’m not an American! I’m willing to fight for our freedoms by fighting those who are fighting for our freedoms but taking away our freedoms by imposing new laws to restrict our freedoms but they think will actually help to protect our freedoms and the reason I’m fighting them is because fighting them is one of the freedoms that living in a land of freedom and fighting allows me to fight for! What’s so hard to understand about all of this? By the way, Curt Shillings was robbed by Randy Johnson! Oh yeah, Flex sold some shit. What a prick! Few things disgust me more then Flex. One of those things is small children. Back to you, Grut!
Thank you Eric S.
Is that it? Yeah, that’s it.
PLUG MAN, THERE’S NO NEED TO FEEL DOWN. I SAID, PLUG MAN, GET YOURSELF OFF THE GROUND AND JUST PLUG THERE.
Let’s start off with myself, shall we? Despite two glaring typos, I returned with A Wrestling Tale this week about a mark and a smart watching a taping of RAW together. It’s a return to the funny, lighthearted A Wrestling Tales. It ends with a song, that’s how much fun it is! Also, when you finish WRESTLING FREAKS, go to the archives and read MR. RODRIGUEZ HELPED. Hyatte called it the best thing he ever read on the Internet, and Part II is coming next week. For those of you who kind of remember it, yeah, this is the blowjob story.
Let’s stay on me for a second. As some of you know, I got this gig through a little program Hyatte ran called the 411 Showcase Column or something like that. I wrote a column and sent it to Hyatte, and then I wrote another and sent it to Hyatte, and then I got a job. Anyway, Hyatte lost his smile or people stopped sending columns and the whole thing died. Well, I got the job this way, so I figured it would only be fair if I asked Widro if I could take over the Showcase Commentary or Column thing. He said yes and it’s back! Send me your column and if it’s good enough, you might have a shot at having your column displayed next to Art Martinez’s! By the way, if you’re going to hit me with a fiction column, it better be really goddamned good. I’d prefer normal columns. Not all submissions will make the cut, but you never know with my growing sense of apathy. Send em in!
But what shall I write, you ask? Shall I write about Sunshine or Rainbows or Chris Tucker? I don’t know. Don’t ask me. ASK 411!
Scott Keith wrote a Retro Rant for Clash 21. He also included an IWA Bathhouse rant. It’s hard to tell which he liked more, the women or the wrestling. It’s not that he liked both, it’s that he liked neither. Maybe Scott Keith really does love Benoit. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ah, gay jokes. God love him, Keith has been a good sport about all of the jokes towards him. Thanks SK! Thanks for being you!
Danny B is back with a whirl as the TORNADO DDT sweeps over 411 one more time! This week he picks the top ten PPV’s of all time. Looking at the list, I’d say he was born roughly six years ago. Oh, and #1? Ric Flair.
Come see Nason bitch and moan about the WWF’s weak house shows in small venues! Hey Nason, why don’t you move to a real state? Then you’ll be able to see the Rock and Austin and whatnot. Nah, I love Nason! He isn’t in a love club, he’s in THE FIGHT CLUB!
And although it’s been a few days, let’s plug Daniels and Art again. Here and here. I did this early in the afternoon, so if anything else comes up, well, sorry.
How should we end this? Well, let’s go back to our old friends at www.happyscrappy.com and see why goths are funny.
GOTHS ARE STILL FUNNY
Knulprek is hilarious. I love you Knulprek! Call me!
I think we’ve all wondered, at one point or another, whether wearing all that black gets you in trouble when the lights go out. Here, faithful ponderers, is your long-awaited answer:
KNULPREK: do you think death bumps into things at night, wearing all that black?
CrYiNgCuRe: mostlikely not.
KNULPREK: do you ever bump into things at night, wearing all black?
CrYiNgCuRe: uhhh nope
KNULPREK: what about black cats? they ever bump into you at night, being all black?
CrYiNgCuRe: yes
KNULPREK: do they meow, or maul you?
CrYiNgCuRe: both
KNULPREK: which do you like better?
CrYiNgCuRe: im indifferent
CrYiNgCuRe: gee didnt i specify intelligent conversation on my profile…?
KNULPREK: what if it mauled you to death? boy, then you could find out if death bumps into things at night, wearing all black!
CrYiNgCuRe: this hardly constitutes as intelligent.
KNULPREK: care to discuss NAFTA?
KNULPREK: do you think NAFTA bumps into things at night, wearing all black?
CrYiNgCuRe: i dont know who that is
KNULPREK: well, that isn’t very intelligent!
Seems this one won’t be doing any trade in North America anytime soon.
How about one more?
This had always bothered me.. why, if someone is so obsessed with death, are they not dead? It would only seem natural. If you’re going to mope around and say “death is great. i wish i was dead.” then you just MIGHT AS WELL kill yourself. Hell, you’ve got nothing better to do! If it’s between trying on new shoes and death, goths would most likely pick death. But anyway, the point is.. i asked someone.
KNULPREK: So, if you’re so obsessed with death, why exactly are you still alive?
Undead4093: some people need me, and unfortunatly I give a damn
KNULPREK: Lets say you’re in a bank, and all of a sudden some bank robbers come in with guns start threatening you.. do you not give a damn because if they killed you, they’d be doing you a favor?
Undead4093: they would be doing me a favor, but they would not be doing the people who need me a favor, so if did something to give them reason to kill me, I would be commiting a selfish act….. that I will not do
KNULPREK: so if you didn’t have people who needed you, you’d just off and kill yourself?
Undead4093: if I didn’t have people who needed me, I wouldn’t have a reason to be here……..at all
KNULPREK: but then you could just go off and enjoy life. have you ever had Yoo-Hoo? It’s America’s favorite chocolate drink, you know. That’s something to live for.
Undead4093: knowledge is to live for, not a yoohoo drink, we all die in time, and given that, I have no need to speed up the process right now…….. if I did, I would
KNULPREK: but if you collect knowledge and die, then what good was that knowledge? what about this great cartoon called Space Ghost? that’s almost as good as Yoo-Hoo.
Undead4093: space ghost is funny, yes, but only on the cartoon network when he is arguing with the other characters. what good is knowledge while we live? The knowledge i collect is an attempt to find out what happens when we die.
KNULPREK: so if you found out, there’d be no need to die. then you could have more Yoo-Hoo. although, too much of that might kill you. then the whole point would be moot, wouldn’t it?
Undead4093: ah, but the last part of the experiment for the knowledge would be to experience it first hand. everything is moot, transitory….. besides i hate yoohoo
KNULPREK: if you die, are you planning on coming back and writing a book? how else do people pass on knowledge like that? you should write Yoo-Hoo and tell them how much you hate them. They’ll probably send you a t-shirt or something.
Undead4093: most likely they would, or I could tell them their prices are too high and they would send me some coupons for free yoohoo, of course I hate yoohoo, so you can try. I don’t plan on coming back, unless the after life sucks, but I doubt it, unless the christians are correct. Knowledge like that comes in much the same way as automical sciences. electrons cannot be seen, but we know they exsits.
KNULPREK: hmm.. is it too chocolaty for you? like, is Quick more to your liking? so, if this life sucks for you, and the afterlife sucks for you, where are you planning on going?
Undead4093: i prefere water……. that is a very good question, but something tells me the after life won’t suck….. but should i be wrong, i will have an eternity to figure something else out.
KNULPREK: i’d imagine the afterlife is pretty crowded.. a whole lot of people have died, you know.
KNULPREK: water? what about Dr. Pepper?
Undead4093: yes, hopefully it will be less crowded there……. yes water, though having to chose pepsie is more to my liking…..
KNULPREK: pepsi over coke, then? if you were blindfolded, could you tell the difference? what if they don’t have water in the afterlife? just Yoo-Hoo. then what?
Undead4093: i could tell the differnce, coke dosn’t burn as bad when I drink a can of it in 10 seconds……… then i won’t drink anything, i cannot die of dehydration if i am already dead
KNULPREK: maybe you die in the afterlife and go somewhere else. the after-afterlife. what if this IS the afterlife of some previous life?
Undead4093: i have thought about that, it is an interesting theory……
KNULPREK: yea. it also would mean that you’re rather screwed with this whole death obsession thing.
Undead4093: not really….. i am obsessed with the act of dying and the beauty of death…… for the perspective of this life.
Undead4093: of afterlife as it may be
KNULPREK: so you wouldn’t want to be violently mutilated, i take it? that’s not too beautiful.
Undead4093: no, but why would I care if I was dead?
KNULPREK: because before you’re dead, you’re being violently mutilated. and that’s nowhere near the beauty of death.
KNULPREK: that’s the beauty of violent mutations
Undead4093: I didn’t not ask blood, gore and mutilation to be part of death, thus part of my obsession, it just came with the package.
KNULPREK: so you find that beautiful?
Undead4093: no, I find it interesting. never did I say a mutilated corps was beautiful, however obsessed I am with it, only as an interest…. not a beautiful aspect…..
KNULPREK: so it’s like a hobby.. some people collect coins, you like death?
Undead4093: yes
KNULPREK: ok. good hobby.
Undead4093: everyone needs a hobby
Enjoy whoever Widro has filling in for me tomorrow. Send in your letters to the love doctor. Send a happy birthday wish to Debbie. Call up the WWF and bitch and moan, go to www.happyscrappy.com but mostly lead your life. Thanks for the time to read me.
I AM GRUT!
