Innovation makes enemies of all those who prospered under the old regime, and only lukewarm support is forthcoming from those who would prosper under the new. – Niccolo Machiavelli
There is no reality except the one contained within us. That is why so many people live such an unreal life. They take the images outside them for reality and never allow the world within to assert itself. – Hermann Hesse
I don’t know how to run a newspaper, Mister Thatcher. I just try everything I can think of. – Orson Welles as Charles Foster Kane
WATCH OUT, HE’S GONNA BLOW!!!
Oh, it takes a lot for me to whip out the Triple Quote Howitzer, but that fetid, vomitous mulch known as Survivor Series certainly did the trick. What a nauseating little display that was, from start to finish. There are a number of questions left unanswered:
1) Why does Christian still have a belt? If the Alliance was supposed to be destroyed, shouldn’t he have dropped his belt like Test and the Dudleys in order to sustain the illusion? Austin having a belt under these conditions I can accept, but not Christian.
2) What was so goddamn important about Test needing to keep his job? Here’s a hint, WWF: no one likes Test. I get at least three e-mails a week from readers comparing him to the Undertaker, and not in good ways, let me assure you. And making Billy Gunn the next-to-last in the ring absolutely destroys the credibility of the eighteen guys eliminated before he was. Rewarding loyalty is a nice thing, yes, but this went too far a long time ago in regards to good ol’ Monty.
3) Why bring in Jazz (like most of us in the Round Table predicted…yes, I equivocated in the Round Table, but I did predict it in last Tuesday’s column) when you’re going to throw the title to Trish? Oh, yeah, they had to keep the belt in the WWF, but then again, Christian still has a belt, doesn’t he? Internal logic and consistency, people. Is it too much to ask for? I won’t even bring up Hugh Morrus and Chavito being in the Battle Royale (avec fromage).
4) Does anyone realize that Regal continuing to kick the crap out of Tajiri is wrecking one of the few guys who actually got over during the past six months?
5) I won’t even talk about the ending of the main. All of you can probably figure out what I’d say about it anyway.
For those of you who hate me and are “gloating” over the fact that I didn’t select one single match correctly in the Round Table, let me inform you of this: I have said many, many times that I book for myself, and that the WWF seems to have this neurotic fetish of booking completely against me. I expected me to be completely wrong as to what really happened, and those numbnuts came through in spades.
No, I didn’t bother buying SurSer. I picked up the Tomb Raider DVD instead. It was US$15 cheaper and has Angelina Jolie in it. I can just imagine my reaction afterward if I’d actually paid for this hunk of rotting offal. It’d probably involve my TV screen and my .357. I’m hiding the sumbitch in case I have a desire to attend Raw or Smackdown when it comes to my neck of the urban jungle in two weeks. Fortunately for them, I have a policy that I don’t attend live shows unless I get comped in the manner befitting my status as an Internet Wrestling Personality. I sure as hell won’t pay for anything the WWF puts on these days.
You know, I’m more pissed off about this than I was at the events of four years ago. This isn’t one wrestler getting screwed; this is an entire audience getting screwed. They really don’t have a clue when it comes to basic things like plot, characterization, dialogue, consistency…you know, the things that make up basic elements of dramatic entertainment. But, gee, they blew off the Alliance angle, like most people wanted, so everything’s perfectly fine and we’ll all sit down like the sheep that we are and watch Raw to see if Ric Flair shows up. Us hardcore wrestling fans supporting inferior entertainment gives the WWF license to continue in this vein, as long as they keep pulling around a 4 or so and make TNN happy. The more I think about it, the more I think we’re to blame for this whole damn mess. We voted with our feet on the issue of Nitro. Maybe it’s time to do that again. Or maybe I can do something to stop this right now…
I might as well say this in public right now to the WWF: it’s perfectly fine if you turn your alleged entertainers into lifeless caricatures. It’s spiffy-neato by me to have plotlines with holes large enough to use the Big Show as their marital aid. It’s fine and dandy to promote the talentless and keep the talented down because the talentless allegedly have charisma instead of wrestling skill. It’s terrific to stick young up-and-coming wrestlers with gimmicks that Steve Lombardi would say “No” to. It’s thrilling to watch the short-term interests of rampaging egotists backstage take priority over building up people for the long-term health of the company. Now, with me saying that, and with the WWF always doing the opposite of everything I say, maybe we can get some positive change going.
And some of you wonder why I talk about non-wrestling stuff so much.
SOME OF THAT NON-WRESTLING STUFF HE JUST MENTIONED; LET’S START OFF WITH A MULTIPLE-CHOICE QUIZ…
The former king of a country is now its prime minister. A member of the party who drove the king off his throne has just been elected the country’s president. Can these two work together to maintain the health of their country?
Does that paragraph describe:
a) the plot of a Neil Simon play?
b) a sitcom premiering on Fox in January?
c) Dubbaya’s secret plan for the post-Taliban Afghani government?
d) Bulgaria?
Answer at the end of the column.
AS MORE EVIL SPREADS FAR AND WIDE, NON-WWF DIVISION…
Ninety-three and a half million smackers in three days. Jesus H. Christ. You know, I was thinking of working toward getting my SAG card, but when it’s crap like Harry Fucking Potter that sells to the public, why bother wanting to do a movie? Don’t bother sending me mail on this topic. I got a boatload of it when I said that presenting a Hugo Award to J. K. Rowling for her little pubescent, nauseatingly-cute magicians was a complete abortion and a disgrace to science fiction. Evil, evil, evil.
THE SHORT FORM
So let’s head over to that Hogwarts of brainless programming, the WWF, and see what they did on Raw…
Match Results
Trish Stratus over Lita, WWF Women’s Championship Match (Pinfall, rollup): Sorry, I was watching two more interesting women over on Comedy Central. I did notice during commercial channel flipping that the word “puppies” was used. See my opinion about that situation later.
Buh Buh Ray and D’Von Dudley over Rob Van Dam, Tables Handicap Punishment Match (The usual for a tables match involving the Dudz): Justice League was on.
Flex Sucks More Than Ever over Kurt Angle, World Title Match (Pinfall, rollup): Anyone else having Gold Belt flashbacks? And if I haven’t said this lately, I’ll just reiterate it: Chris Jericho is God.
Kane over Chris Jericho (DQ, improper use of chair): I’d like to have you read something my pal BFM wrote me during Raw: So let me get this straight: This all starts when Flex whines that Jericho costs them a tag match, that Jericho accidentally hits him with a chair. So they have a match for Flex’s title. Flex whines and bitches and moans that it took a steel chair to beat him last month for the title. Whines until he gets a return match, then gets his ass beaten severely until a fluke rollup gets him the win and the title back. Last night, Flex is flat on his back about to be beaten until Angle runs in, hits Austin with the belt, and allows Flex to get the Uranage for the pin,and the win. Angle asks for a thank you from Flex and he gets Flex bitching that “Ididn’t need your help”, etc., etc. And Jericho’s the egomaniac? Indeed.
Brown-Tongue Regal over Tazz (Submission, Regal Stretch): A bat-shit Regal should be golden on promos. Or golden shower, as the case may be.
Angle Developments, if indeed there are any angles…
Fallacy In The Front Row: No, Scott Keith does not rule. Not unless I say he does.
Jerry’s Back. Huzzah.: I was one of those who welcomed Paul Heyman when l’affaire Stacey occurred. And my mind still hasn’t changed on that issue. Lawler was boring his last seven months in the booth, and the puppies fetish caused many hittings of the Mute button from my end. I still think Heyman’s the better commentator, and it’s not a welcome sight to see Lawler back. I won’t forget that he pissed away his job for a piece of pussy who ended up leaving him once the status his job conferred was gone.
I’d Like To Read Regal’s Job Description: I had a Chapstick joke ready until Vince ruined it. Nice to know he wears black briefs. In case you’re ready to properly kiss my ass as I deserve, I have to warn you that I usually go commando. That being said, as a former performer myself, I don’t feel bad for Regal. Demands of the role sometimes put disgust over what you have to do in it on the back burner. Regal’s priceless facial expressions, of course, were on target as usual.
Also Sprach Eric-thustra: Nice to have you around, Mister Flair, but it should have happened months ago (and wait on your excitement; they’re going to screw this up like they did everything else). Also, if anyone has the scorecard, could you tell me who’s heel and who’s face right now? Are Vince and Angle heel and Flair and Austin face? Is Shane a face for admitting Vince was the better man or a heel since Vince now respects him? Is Steph a face since Vince, if he is a heel, treated her like crap? Is Jericho a face since Vince is punishing him for his ego? Let’s try to straighten some of this out on Smackdown, please.
AND NOW FOR THE REST OF THE WRESTLING NEWS…
Dark matches for this evening had Albert beating Randy Orton via Baldo Bomb, and the dynamic tag team of Billy Gunn and Chuck Palumbo going over Brock Lesnar and Ron Waterman.
Jakked/Metal Taping Results:
Perry Saturn over Sho Funaki
Christian over Spike Dudley in a Eurotitle Match
Yoshihiro Tajiri over Crash Holly
Supposedly, there was going to be a Scott Taylor/Test match on tap for Raw this evening, but that had to be cut in order to fit in more Kurt Angle whining promos. Talk about a lose-lose situation.
Okay, so how did Lawler come back when he was involved with the XWF? He was only on a forty-five day contract to begin with, and Brian Knobs told the Torch that he was willing to release Lawler if Lawler was given the high sign that he was back in Vince’s good graces. Apparently, Knobs did so, and Lawler showed up on Raw. How nice of the former Nasty.
Ric Flair’s appearance was simpler to accomplish. He was still under contract for a few more months to Time-Warner. However, his contract value was far less than the big boys that everyone seems to want for some unknown reason (a half mil a year, if memory serves). He would have been at Time-Warner’s 50% buyout level, but with the short time remaining on the deal (I think it would have run out in February), and the small amount needed to make up the money, it would have been a piece of cake for the WWF to make up the money that Flair lost. All Flair had to do was sign the buyout papers, then sign a WWF contract, both of which were supposedly accomplished with all haste on Monday.
According to Da Meltz, don’t weep for the Alliance guys yet. The WWF is still on the split house show schedule, which means that they’re going to be working at least through this weekend.
How appropriate on the day Ric Flair returns to wrestling, we have an item about Eric Bischoff. The Bisch’s Boswell, Chester the Molester, is publicizing that NGW, the artists formerly known as Matrats, is close to a syndication deal, and a formal announcement should happen in a few days. The last time we heard Bischoff saying “Wait for a formal announcement” was earlier this year. We’re still waiting on that announcement that you’ve bought WCW, Bisch.
Answer to the quiz above: d) Bulgaria. Only in Eastern Europe would a country bring back its former king to be prime minister AND bring back a Commie to be head of state in the span of six months. So the WWF isn’t alone in being void of a sense of logic.
I’m gone until tomorrow. Have a good one.
