THE ATTACK OF THE SCREAMING NINNIES
Oh, the mail has been scathing over the last twenty-four hours. Apparently I irritated some of the marks out there by telling the truth about SurSer and the WWF. Too bad, sheep. You know, you just demonstrate your stupidity by jumping to the conclusion that since I criticize the WWF, I don’t like wrestling. And people wonder why I can’t stand my own audience. The WWF Zombies have become WWF Absolutists, so-called because I have to drink a quart of vodka before reading any mail from them.
It’s not my fault if you can’t tell the difference between bad entertainment and good entertainment. But I’m not going to hold my opinion in just because it’ll rock your little world if I express it. If it takes rubbing your nose in the truth like I’m paper-training puppies, so be it. If you want a santizied view, go read Scaia when he comes back. According to a mail that he sent to a mutual friend, people have been begging for him to return. Oh, really, Gooney Bird? I can’t hear them beg due to the celebration in the streets that marked the Whine’s death and the last appearance of Ask The Rick.
Some of you were apparently under the impression that I didn’t like the fact that Flair came back. I like the fact that Flair came back. However, I’m not marking out over it. People can tell you that I’m incapable of marking out over anything, with rare exceptions. I’m also not too sure about what’s going to happen. The WWF writing staff is incapable of coming up with an interesting plotline to save their lives. Ric Flair’s presence alone isn’t going to help; he isn’t a spiritual healer of sick wrestling federations. It’s going to take Flair in an interesting storyline to help repair some of the damage the Alliance storyline wrought. Considering the fact that the blame for the failure of the storyline is on the writers’ shoulders, and they weren’t fired on Sunday, I see little hope right now.
I’m being realistic about this. The fans who are going “Oh, great, they turned the clock back to February and added Flair and RVD, so everything’s fine again” aren’t being realistic. The WWF wasn’t so good back in February either, if you remember. Right now, what they need is a complete refocus of the organization on the level of Attitude. They’ve pissed away all of the casual audience and a good portion of goodwill on what’s left. And don’t try to claim ratings success. Remember that bump that they had when Flex came back? Remember how fast that disappeared? Two weeks, I believe? Let’s see if they can sustain the increase over the next couple weeks and see if they can come up with something interesting for Flair to do. I doubt that either will happen.
THE PIMP SECTION
Josh Nason has his award-winning Indy Report available for you to peruse, so you don’t have to go over to the Observer. Gamble has his stuff up. Benovitz acts like a mark, and he’s a Browns fan, so let’s just ignore him. And, of course, Widro. I’ll agree to disagree, boss.
As per your regular columns, Scott is jumping around like a little girl because Flair came back and he got a sign on Raw. PK and his little e-mail buddy should realize that I AM an asshole, and that getting the results right from a piss-poor PPV like SurSer is nothing to be proud of. Making fun of someone’s name is a sign of juvenile behavior, son, and no way to act on a prestigious website. However, I’m pleased that you agree with me on Raw.
As for being a “Hyatte wannabe”, Hyatte himself can tell you that I’m anything but. Just because you didn’t read me before I came here doesn’t mean that I haven’t been doing this for a while, and in stuff not involving wrestling.
A WEDNESDAY “REAL” SPORTS SECTION FOR ONCE…
The players in the British Premiere League are going to go on strike on December 1st unless an agreement over TV revenues can be reached. It’s going to be a very limited type of strike, though. It’ll only affect Premiere League matches, not any competition for the ten billion different cups that are presented, and it’ll only take place at matches that have TV coverage. Just for a comparison, let’s say the WWF goes out on strike, but it’s only for Raw, Smackdown, and Heat and Jakked tapings. They’d still do house shows, though. Doesn’t that seem a bit weird to anyone else? I mean, if you go on strike, go on strike, dammit!
Okay, let’s be honest, Giambi got screwed by the writers. Yeah, it was close, but it was still a screwing. Now those writers are bending over backward to justify the choice of Ichiro. It’s almost as tenuous an argument as claiming that the WWF knows what it’s doing. And how about the NL MVP vote? Bonds gets all the first-place votes except for two for Sosa, and those two came from…yep, you guessed it, the Chicago writers. Yeah, guys, be true to your school and all that, and to hell with credibility.
AND SPEAKING OF SAMMY…
Sosa, of course, has an endorsement deal with 3DO for their baseball and softball computer games. D’oh D’oh D’oh whacked half its staff on Monday (Happy Thanksgiving, guys!), as Trip Hawkins suddenly came to the realization that his executive staff is overloaded with the sorriest morons and retreads in the computer game industry. Just don’t go out of business before you get out Heroes of Might and Magic IV, okay?
DUH OF THE WEEK
In the end, while I thoroughly understand and totally supported President Bush’s decision not to pursue Saddam personally, I am now prepared to admit that it was probably a mistake. – former Secretary of State Lawrence Eagleburger. No shit, Sherlock. You know, when Bob McNamara came out and said that Vietnam was a mistake, he got a best-seller out of it. Eagleburger just went on CNN and gave it away for free. And you wonder why I disrespect Republicans.
Okay, let see what the WWF did during tapings tonight. As usual, Dan the Man from Rajah provides, and I interpret.
SMACKDOWN RESULTS, HEAT TAPINGS, ETC.
Dark Matches:
Jeff Hardy over Ron Waterman (Pinfall, Swanton): And Jeff doesn’t kill himself or come out of the closet. Damn.
Albert over Brock Lesnar (Pinfall, Baldo Bomb): Lesnar’s got to be asking himself, “Did Kurt Angle really job for a year in dark matches before he got on TV?”
Heat Tapings:
Billy Gunn and Chuck Palumbo over Faarooq and Bradshaw (Pinfall, Gunn pins Bradshaw, Fameasser): You happy now, PK, you little Billy Gunn mark? Let me assure you that the rest of us are quaking in fear at the prospect of another Billy Gunn push.
Jacqueline over Lita (Pinfall, spinning heel kick): Jackie goes over the Little Princess? Yes, it’s only Heat, but still…
Spike Dudley over Crash Holly (Pinfall, Acid Drop): The Acid Drop used as a finisher again? Yes, it’s only Heat, but still…
Yoshihiro Tajiri over Perry Saturn (Pinfall, superkick): Tajiri must have been lost without Regal in there to beat him up. Of course, that kick to the head will not help the still-confused Saturn, who believes that he’s special guest ref in this match at the beginning. And you wonder why I don’t like what the WWF is doing right now.
Smackdown Itself:
Starts out with a Vince/Flair promo in which they make some future matches. At an unspecified time (the next two Raws is my bet), it’ll be Austin/Angle for the WWF Title, and Flex/Jericho for the Gold Belt…uh, World Title, with the winners meeting at Vengeance for a unification match. There’s also a Gravy Bowl match scheduled for tonight, wherein two fine pieces of white meat named Trish and Stacy will be swimming for the Women’s Title. Happy Thanksgiving, fourteen-year-olds of all ages!
Test over Scott Taylor (Pinfall, Big Boot): This match was scheduled originally for Raw and comes out of the Battle Royale (mit Kaese) match at SurSer. But it’s a Who Cares? match, so who cares?
PAISLEY ALERT! Yes, Paisley is back, and she interviews Tazz. Tazz gets pissed when Funaki breaks in, leading to a Tazzmission, then that un-fun Big Show has to break up a fun little game of Choke-the-Jap in order to set up another match.
Angle gets pissy with Vince, then UT ruins Christian’s Thanksgiving dinner. Naturally, that waste of good food prompts Vince to show up to make our main for this evening, UT/Angle.
The Big Show over Tazz (Pinfall…uh, this one’s hard to describe. Essentially, TBS gets in the Tazzmission and collapses on Tazz for the pin): It’s short.
Since Christian’s dinner was ruined, he’s going to help Vince with his. Angle interrupts Vince while eating, saying naughty things about UT. After Angle storms out, Vince’s Personal Kiss-Ass comes in, and Regal gets assigned to do something or other in regards to UT/Angle.
Kurt Angle versus The Undertaker (ND): Notable for being the beginning of an “I just want respect” angle for UT. Well, in order to get respect, you have to give it, don’t you? That’s something he doesn’t know, if all those backstage rumors are correct.
Austin/Regal promo, which is mainly Austin making ass-kissing jokes. At the end, Austin gets beat up by whatever’s left of the Alliance. Okay, so Austin is a face. Thank you. That clears things up a little. That is, unless all the Alliance guys are faces, in which case, it doesn’t. Christian is rewarded for his part in the punk-out by getting a rematch with Edge for the Unified Secondary Belts. Oh, great, another Edge/Christian match. Here’s an idea, WWF: how about firing all of your midcarders and replacing them with former Alliance members? At least we won’t have to see the same crap over and over again.
Trish Stratus, That Bitch over My Beautiful and Beloved Stacy, Women’s Title Match in Gravy (Submission, reverse chinlock): A Thanksgiving-theme food fight…okay, Lawler’s back, so we know Vince is in a forgiving mood. Did the same apply to Russo?
Matt, Jeff, and Lita all break up with each other, allegedly. I think that John Schlesinger did this one at the end of Sunday, Bloody Sunday. It’s really a great movie, actually. Peter Finch, Murray Head, Glenda Jackson, Peggy Ashcroft…worth a rental as a date flick, as long as you don’t mind that the couple in the movie who are dating are both men.
Edge over Christian, Unified Secondary Titles Match (DQ, Test-erference): This is, of course, the Mandatory Canadian Content portion of the evening. Another Who Cares? match.
Flex does an impersonation of Rob Van Dam. Later on, I have Flex busted for possession with intent to distribute.
Chris Jericho, Buh Buh Ray Dudley, and D’Von Dudley over Flex and Rob Van Dam, Unified Tag Titles Match (Pinfall, Jericho pins Flex, uranage): Dear Lord, I know I haven’t prayed to you very often. But I’m going to ask for your intercession on behalf of a friend named Chris Irvine. He’s in big trouble at his job. He’s become involved with a person who has a tendency to kill the possibilities for advancement for people at his workplace for selfish, egotistical reasons. This guy tends to set people up in no-win situations, and I don’t want Chris to fall into that trap. If you could, could you please prevent it? Preferably through career-ending injury?
AND IN OTHER WRESTLING NEWS…
At 11AM ET on Wednesday, the WWF will be having a conference call to discuss its quarterly financials. You can call toll-free at 1-800-777-4086 if you want to listen in. No participation, unfortunately, so we can’t find out if Steph wrote off her boob job to the company or not.
The Battling Hart In-Laws are at it again. This time Martha is suing Diana for remarks in Diana’s book “Under the Mat”. Martha’s lawyers are claiming libel due to distortions, falsehoods, etc. I think I know where I want a job: at any law firm that represents any of the Harts. It looks like a lifelong income proposition.
According to Da Meltz, the former Alliance members will start to be written into storylines sometime within the next few weeks. Storyline plans are for Flair to start bringing guys back to assist him in his effort to drive Vince nuts. Okay, we haven’t gone back to February. We’ve gone back to April, with the Alliance guys being faces. Yeesh.
I was right on Flair’s contract expiring in February. Only it was February 2003, not 2002. That meant a little more substantial of a make-up payout to get him on board. Hopefully someone will come through with the exact contract figures.
That’s it. I’m gone. Have a good holiday weekend if you’re in the US, and I’ll be back next week to irritate you to no end.
About Eric Szulczewski
