Tuesday is the best day except for Friday because Tuesday is Buffy day. Tonight, Buffy screwed Spike and Willow went through a lot of magic crap that was a very obvious parallel to drugs. Soon Willow will become evil, and it will be good. Tonight it was kind of like a weak Trainspotting type thingy. Whatever. Most of you don’t care about what I like anyway. Well, I am happy to fill in for Eric S. and do this for you, and all I ask is that you care about what I have to say. All I do is give, and all you do is complain. What do you mean you’re finished? We’re not finished! Audience, no. Put down the knife. Please, listen, we can talk about this. Just put down the AUDIENCE! NO! YOU HAVE SLAIN YOURSELF! WHY GOD? WHYYYYY! All I have now is Gridro and the It Ain’t Sumo ad.
I will always love you Josh.
I will always love you, it ain’t sumo ad.
News!!!
RAW CONTIPLATIONS
Well, umm I want to be nice. I want to like the product. If you don’t like the product, you’re not a fan. You’re an idiot who wastes his or her time watching wrestling so you can complain about it. But the ending was too much. It was sick and stupid and gross. It sucked the joy right out of me. I don’t know why it’s cute when Rikishi does it and even was kind of funny when William Regal did it, but watching the Undertaker force Jim Ross to kiss a billionaire’s bare ass and then watching that billionaire run around the ring slapping himself in the ass with Jim Ross’ hat it disgusted me. It disgusted and angered me. The WWF has one of the best pay per views ever right around the corner, and I don’t feel any excitement towards it. I simply wonder if Vince is going to knock it off. I wouldn’t have had a problem if his pants had been on, but this was just too much. Wasn’t Jim Ross recently shilling how he needed the WWF to win so he could keep his job? It was just stupid. Anyway, if you want to hear more bitching about it go read Keith’s Smark (ugh) Raw Report. Or read PK’s Raw Report. I don’t know. Thanks!
HUNTER HATES direction wwf is HEADED
HHH is apparently all whiny and crap backstage during production meetings because of the WWF’s creative directions. Apparently Vince doesn’t want to hear it from him or Paul E. Paul E. stormed out of the last meeting, crawled into Maven’s arms and sobbed like a baby for three straight hours. Maven blew in Paul E.’s ear and told him it was all going to be all right.
Hunter reportedly can’t wait for his clique buddies to return so Justin Credible can become the next World Champion and they can bury Kurt Angle. Thanks Torch!
WIDRO SHILLS FOR IT AIN’T SUMO AD. it ain’t sumo ad is displeased with efforts
Want to know when Japanese Hardcore Wrestling which is harder then hardcore will be on and how to order it? Ask Widro! He knows. You can click on several newsboard items Widro posted or you can click on the it ain’t sumo ad or you can E-mail Widro at Widro@aol.com. He has all the answers for you, not just about It Ain’t Sumo, but about everything. Trust me, he does this all for you guys and nothing would make him happier then answering your questions.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
Chyna was on Stern. She lived with Triple H for 5 years before he cheated on her with Stephanie. What a bitch. I’m sorry, that’s just low. Triple H is kinda her employee, and she stole him from another employee. Chyna doesn’t blame Steph though. Chyna blames her penis.
APA is evil now and Brooklyn Brawler vs. Saturn will be the main event on a program. This is the fun stuff that happened besides Raw.
WWF is having some crappy, crappy house shows. The main event match? Saturn vs. The Brooklyn Brawler.
Heyman’s famous Smackdown promo was unscripted. PwTorch gets info like this because they’re the best in the business! I bet when Wade and the others die, they’ll die with a smile and a sense of satisfaction at the fact that they spent their lives making connections with mid-card and lower wrestlers and interns who told them stupid crap like this. Way to go Wade! You’ve made your father proud.
Lance Storm may be in line for a big push. Betcha they’ll waste it. He’s one of my favorites, and they don’t know what to do with him. Oh well.
Junk news! Huzzah!
PLUG UP! GO AHEAD PLUG ON A LITTLE MAKE-UP! HIDE THE PLUGS TO FADE AWAY THE SHAKE UP! WHY’D YOU LEAVE THE PLUGS UP ON THE TABLE?
I wrote the first scene of a play for this week’s A Wrestling Tale. It was supposed to be called The Mightys, but Widro misread the file and named it Alan and Mortimer, which was the original name of the file I sent him. It’s a fun read. If you’d like a part two next week, E-mail me. If not, I’ll figure out something. I keep meaning to finish Mr. Rodriguez Helped part two, but I just can’t. Oh well. I also wrote at the bottom that I was running out of ideas. Stop sending me suggestions. I just wanted to know if you wanted a part two. Anyway, tell me what you think.
Talking about Widro, he has a Voice of Reason that I agree with. Chris Jericho should win at the PPV. That way they can job the title off of him at the Rumble to HHH without pissing off Austin or the Rock and setting up the big three way at Wrestlemania. Anyway, go read Go Jericho Go!
Shellie Lepere did the Missy Hyatte book review. Go read it here. She told me where to find a pic of her online, and I accidentally made it my wall paper, and I accidentally touch myself every time I look at it. It is making writing this report very hard for me. I LOVE YOU SHELLIE! COME DOWN TO LONG ISLAND AND BE MY BRIDE! I KNOW HOW TO MAKE SMORES! WANT A SMORE? I’LL MAKE YOU ONE, MY LITTLE MARSHMELLOW!
Sorry. Sometimes my emotions make me stop looking at me! Go read The Week in Wrestling by Daniels! Go!
Yo yo my white Jewish bros,
Want to get wit dem flashy hos?
Then find out why Art Mart is an Underhater
Read the Lyrical Stunt, read it now not later!
Word to yo mommas.
Or you can read the Tornado DDT. Just scan down until it’s almost at the bottom for the real list. Man he has a lot of letters. Pad it a little, why don’tcha? #1? RIC FLAIR!
And just because I haven’t been able to plug him in a while, go read Carlos’ Heat Report because Carlos rules south of the border.
How about a little showcase column on ya? Okay! We’ll do it!
SHOWCASE COLUMN: HOW COULD WRESTLING HAVE SURVIVED THE INTERNET IN THE 80’s?
Three major organizations, three solid minor league stomping grounds and tons of independents. Yes, truly the 80’s were a glory time in the entertainment venue called pro wrestling. The WWF, NWA, and AWA lead the way, with fringe minor league organizations USWA, Stampede, and Mid-South supplying future talent to the mainstream feds. On weekends, I didn’t need a wrestling channel, I had several options and watched them all. I saw the Flair’s, Hogan’s, Hennig’s, Dingo Warrior’s and the like in midst of legends like Nick Bockwinkel, Bob Backlund, Billy Graham, and Harley Race. They were on there way to becoming the new legends, but, but, if we had a booking voice, how would we have altered it?
For those sitting there saying, “We don’t really alter anything, the feds (WWF) do whatever they want to do?” Well, you are naive. The feds are very interested in keeping the money sources (boy, has that shifted in the last 20 years, but that is another column) happy. The money sources (PPV buyers, toy buyers, video gamehead and the like) have access to giving the fed immediate feedback on their product now. In the 80’s, feedback took time, as the main money source was the gate and it might take a fed several poor shows to lose a crowd. In this world, one bad show can hurt you and a couple of months worth is the undertaker.
Allow me to speculate how we, the interest smart, would have altered 80’s wrestling:
1. Chain wrestling would have died.
Yep, the very legends we have grown to appreciate over time, would have never been our legends in the first place. Bret Hart, Ric Flair and Curt Hennig would have been severely hampered by the internet. Sure, we all appreciate them now, but some of us only do because someone tell us we should. We really don’t know why. For instance, I can’t possibly see how the internet audience (as a whole) would have taken the great Steamboat/Flair battle in late 80’s. This was chain wrestling at its finest, but lacked everything wrestling demands today. The match lasted an hour, that is right a full hour. The match didn’t have a single run-in or cheap shot with an foreign object (hey, that is another term that is gone now). Lastly, the match didn’t have a single “high-spot”. Steamboat and Flair effectively established face and heel without using the tried and true ways (crash TV) wrestlers do today. They told a story, like most of the headline matches in the 80’s. All attempted (some failed) to tell a story within the match with wrestling sequenced that were logical and thought out from the pyschology and physically standpoint. Even a Hogan match was chain wrestling, in the crudest terms, as each headline match played the same way; Stalling to start, Hogan overpowers, Heel to the floor or corner to regroup, Heel uses some underhanded way to gain control, Hogan is on last legs, Hogan feeds on energy, Hogan is invincible, Hogan wins. A chain of events with a desired outcome for the money sources.
I hear you, I hear you! You say, “Well, I like Benoit and Jericho, aren’t they chain wrestlers?” Nope, they aren’t. If it wasn’t for Benoit’s signature move, no not the crossface, but the flying headbutt, you wouldn’t even give him a thought. If you were clamoring for Benoit’s return, I sure haven’t seen it in any commentaries about the WWF’s problems in the last few months. Jericho isn’t a chain wrestler either, but I wish he was. The WWF has turned Jericho into a spot wrestler, as they book him to do nothing to set up his signature moves, which in turn makes the signature moves unbelievable to the viewer when they work! HHH might be one of the few fringe-chain wrestlers left, but not in actually moves, but in his timing and pacing of a match. HHH really seems to understand storytelling.
Would Lawler, Jarrett and Dundee ever survived, since they are dwarfs with limited moves (hence prone to long-matches to defy the odds and simply out lasting an opponent). Would the RnR Express been a top-notch tag team or would more muscle head teams like the Road Warriors have dominated. I think the tiny, chain, storytelling wrestler would have had cold days and no food on the table (or at least not as much) if the internet was prodding the direction of the company.
2. Jobbers are out of a job.
Poor George South, Dusty Wolfe, Barry O, Barry Horowitz, Johnny Rods, Iron Mike Sharpe, Jake “The Milkman” Milliman and various others would be out of a job. I know this is hard to realize, but these wrestlers and many others to vast to list, only job was to get someone else over. Their job was to make an opponent look good and unbeatable in many cases. They did often more to further storylines than main and mid-main event wrestler could through interviews or facing each other. Dusty Wolfe took more poorly executed bumps than anyone I can remember. He would put over guys who were in the experimental stages of their finishers, just to help the buyrate of the next houseshow or PPV. This group of wrestlers were and still are the most unappreciated group in wrestling, but they are all but dead now. The WWF doesn’t really use traditional jobbers anymore. Steven Richards seems to be at that level right now, but that is about it. However, the difference between Steven Richards and George South is Steven actually received a push, more than once. I only remember The Milkman and Steve Lombari getting anykind of pushes and it lasted as long as a Trivia Pursuit question in both cases.
Yes, the internet has killed the jobber. No longer will we tolerate such drivel. We need feature matches or at least interview segments. It doesn’t matter if the segment doesn’t move they story along, what matters is, are they having fun? Wasn’t that funny? Oh, yes it was, it was, can we have another? But, what did it have to do with…? Who cares, I love the fact that both of these guys are allied when last week they were tearing out each other’s throats in insane high spots that could have ruined their careers. Yes, yes, I would like another, please. What we don’t understand or see significant is that stories can move without flash/thunder and lightning. A slow pace is often best. Did I hear you ask for an example? No problem.
George Welles, anyone remember George Welles. Yep, he was a jobber a foaming at the mouth jobber as I remember last seeing him. You see back in the day, even jobber squash matches were part of a PPV (imagine that now, would ya). George Welles was pitted to face off against the WWF’s latest acquistion, Jake “The Snake” Roberts. Roberts just destroyed Welles in this match, being the first wrestler I remember unleashing a short-armed clothesline and the DDT. Welles sold it like he was shot and he foamed at the mouth. Jake was an instant heel, and most of all a feared heel in the process. Which lead me to lastly:
3. JYD, Orndorff, Snuka, Bundy, Piper, Roberts and Dino Bravo would have all held belts.
How could the internet allowed these men to go beltless. Yes, yes, I know Piper was IC champ (in the 90’s) and Jake held Diabase’s M$B, but those don’t really count. Piper got his due to Hart’s fever and the other was really a belt that was recognized. Hard workers and mid-card to upper card contenders like JYD and Orndorff never ever held a belt in their glory days. Snuka often fought for the IC belt, but always came up a bit short. Roberts feuded with HTM, but no dice. Bravo, the world’s strongest man, never ever got Hogan or Brutus’ belts. What does this all mean? Did this mean they weren’t over? Did this mean they weren’t deserving of the belt?
Strangely enough, no. You see, back in the day, a man’s worth wasn’t the fact that he had or didn’t have a belt. For instance, HTM was awarded the belt over Ricky Steamboat (imagine the outcry now if that happened). Then HTM proceeded to have a long title reign, in which Beefcake, Roberts and other challengers shouldn’t get the belt off of him. Sure everyone knew that HTM wasn’t really a gifted phsically specimen or that he didn’t strike any fear in an opponent, but the fact that he was champ and he couldn’t be beaten made him hated. His opponents didn’t suffer anything because they couldn’t “beat” him, because HTM always cheated to win. This got both HTM and all of his opponents over at the same time, without the fact that HTM had to give up the belt to any of them. It was a squash (a correctly booked squash) but a young newcomer, The Ultimate Warrior, that finally got the belt off of HTM and face Warrior instant face appeal.
You see, it isn’t the title, it is the use of it. Snuka and Piper could feud and no titles were at stake. Tommy Rich and Buzz Sawyer could do the same thing and the lack of a title being on the line didn’t hamper their matches. JYD’s legend is never ever linked to a title, he didn’t need it. Titles were properly used and over exchanged in the 80’s. However, the internet junkies would have been in an outcry that HTM had a belt and Robert’s didn’t. Orndorff had one of the greatest feuds with Hogan in history, but never held a belt. It didn’t hurt him in the least, as a matter of fact, he looked better because of it. Bundy was still a monster, Killer Khan still looked evil and so on and so on.
Now if a wrestler doesn’t get a belt, we all assume it is backstage politics or some other crud. The fact that Edge or Christian have belts don’t make them better wrestlers, in fact they are wasted in singles because they lack in ring skills. For my definition of in ring skills, see the first 2 points. Is Crash Holly more over because he has held the hardcore title more than anyone else? Just as important, who did Crash Holly put over in his defeat? You see, most of us can’t even remember who or what beat him. Internet driven titles are anal and emotionally charged. No one “deserves” anything. What we deserve is an entertainment medium that doesn’t insult us on a weekly basis.
That is it! Any queries, quibbles, complaints or criticisms can be directed to TheJinxedFink@aol.com . As for now, remember and don’t ever forget; in every silver lining, there is a dark cloud.
By the way, the person who sent that in was named Chris. Take from that what you will. I’m not saying anything either way, but I doubt it. Think he should have a full time job? Bother Widro. As for me, I’ll see you tomorrow night. I’m going to bed. Send in some showcase columns and some love doctor questions. I love you all.
