I should be nicer, and I will be. I love everyone and everything everywhere everyday. La la la la la. Happiness is playing along in your own school band, and happiness is walking hand in hand. Happy love D.B. is great.
News!!!
SMACKDOWN YOUR PANTS
Let’s see what happened tonight. I like the initial interview. Stone Cold really has the crowd in the palm of his hand to state the obvious. I wish Vince would just stop it. I like where the whole Edge thing is going. You know what would be amazing? If Edge won the Royal Rumble and won the title at Wrestlemania. I just heard on a commercial for the UPN 9 news that Vince is going into a new business. That’s interesting. I’m glad that RVD and UT still have stuff to do. I don’t like that fact that Kane and TBS are a team now. I do like that the Hardyz will be fighting at Vengeance. You know what would be the more effective heel turn? Turn Jeff. He wins at Vengeance and you think that Matt is going to attack him, but instead Matt raises his hand. Matt goes to leave and Lita smacks him with a chair and then Jeff hits a swanton and then they make out in the ring. Jeff stops doing high impact moves and instead comes down to the ring and reads his poetry. Anyway, both Hardyz looked a little off in the match tonight. The fact that he has no charisma would make it that much better. Jericho was wearing some weird funking pants. Tazz is just getting pushed to the moon. Good main event. It was all good, mostly. JR drinking beers with Austin didn’t make the show I guess.
VENGEANCE IS GOING TO RULE! I’m not just talking about when you finally run over that kid who pulled down your pants and violated you with a magic marker. I’m talking about the ppv. Why?
Let’s look at the line-up so far with some implied matches.
Test and Christian vs. Prince Worm – I guess I’m the only person who likes Scotty and Albert together. This’ll probably be a heat match.
RVD vs. UT – Okay. This one is probably going to suck, but it won’t be because of a lack of effort!
Jeff vs. Matt – We’ll see. It could be very good but it could also suck. They weren’t too impressive in the Royal Rumble a few years ago.
Dudleyz vs. Kane and TBS – I see a lot of interference from former alliance members to help the Dudleyz retain.
Edge vs. Regal – This should be fun.
(Angle vs. Austin) vs. (Jericho vs. Rock) – About 20 times what Wrestlemania X was. This could be one of the best ppv’s ever.
GOOD BYE OLD FRIEND
Widro has informed us that in 4 days It Ain’t Sumo: Japanese Hardcore Wrestling which is harder then hardcore will appear on PPV. That means that the It Ain’t Sumo ad will be leaving us soon. It has some parting words.
I am not gone. I am all around you. Where ever there is not sumo, I will be there. I will be in the crying of a baby and the sighing of a pleased lover. I will be in the echo of the wind off of a wall of a cavern. I will be in the eyes of every poet and the fingers of every writer. I will be in every cheer of a baseball game, every boo of a football game, and every cry of delight at a wrestling match. So long as that wrestling match ain’t sumo. When you speak of me, be kind. Goodbye.
Sniff. Goodbye It Ain’t Sumo ad. Take care of our child.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
This is cute. Vince recently sat down the creative team and asked them what they thought was wrong with the company. They told him, and then he told them to eat it. Listen, Vince might be an asshole and a bad boss and a worse and worse business man with each passing year, but on the other hand he’s a dick. Torch.
It is expected that the WWF will split into two separate promotions on January 7th. Bull shit. I’ll believe it when I see it. Torch.
I was wrong a few weeks ago. Flea is not married. He is actually a bachelor who invites 21 year old boys to his house in Florida. By the way, Flea is actually a really nice guy. You should read his stuff.
Widro eats ass for coke.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
Is that it? Probably not, but who cares?
I WANT TO ROCK AND PLUG ALL NIGHT AND PLUGGY EVERY PLUG
Tornado DDT is back with the top ten commentators of all time. What an awful #1. Ric Flair.
Gamble has the Mark Up and the World According to Ron. Read them both or he’ll damn you to hell. He can do it. He’s a priest. In fact, he’s a funky priest. Look for Ron the Funky Priest, coming to UPN.
That’s it. I’m tired. One more for Carlos for the Heat report from three weeks ago! Just because I like to annoy Widro and he has to find the links and because Carlos rules south of the border.
LOVE DOCTOR ON BOARD FOR LOVE
Dear love doctor,
Prepare to hear my tragic story. A long, long time ago.. when i was 11, i lived near two girls – Kelly and Sarah. Sarah nobody really cared about, she was just friends with Kelly. But Kelly was the love of my life, we were
perfect together.. shared our first kiss, watched romantic television programs, everything except sex which still seemed kind of gross at 11 years of age. For two years this lasted, and if i was to convey to you how much in love we were it would take about 3 pages, and nobody wants to read that – so just take my word for it. Anyway, we never fought or broke up or anything, what happened was my stupid family moved away. So i didnt see her for 6 years, although i still thought about her every now and again.
So one day, im at the shops and this girl comes up to me and shes like “wow, are you Dillon?? I used to know you.” It turns out she is Sarah, and not only that.. she is still friends with Kelly!I was excited and i asked her for Kellys phone number, but she was like “oh, ill tell you it later ok, i cant remember it right now†which needless to say was pretty odd since you’d think theyve been friends for 10 years she’d know her phone number
To cut a long story short, she kept making up excuses why she couldnt tell me Kellys phone number cos it turned out she liked me and didnt want me to renew my love with Kelly. Unfortunatly, she was a bit of a ho and i got mad
and after weeks it eventually got too much for me so i was just like “Give me her f*cking phone number ok!!!!!!!!!!!!” She freaked out and wouldnt talk to me anymore
The whole experiance left me longing for the past, and i just got the wonderfull internet. So in a fairly brilliant move by myself i searched for Kelly on icq and found her and started talking to her again. When i first found her, i expected her to be excited.. or say something in caps like OH MY GOD..I MISSED YOU!!!! Instead i was greeted with deadpan coldness. She didn’t want to know me bro. Not only that, but she beat it into me that she had a boyfriend, like i was going to ask her out or something “Yeah, i have a boyfriend.. my boyfriend wants me to go to my boyfriends house tomorrow so my boyfriend can see me, ok? Boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend. Hey Dillon, did i mention i have a boyfriend?” Keep in mind that response was to simple questions like “How are you?” Imagine if i had of asked if she was see’ing anyone at the moment.. the amount of times the word “boyfriend” appeared on the screen could have sent icq crashing
Guess what had happened. That ho bitch Sarah had got mad at me and told Kelly that i’d gotten fat and ugly and that my hair was falling out and my face was covered in acne from smoking 2 packs a day. All of which was not
true!
I’m pissed man, at first i wanted extreme revenge on Sarah. Now my anger has expanded and intensified to include Kelly because think about it, we were in love and now she doesnt want to know me because one person said i look bad.
So, basically love docter, what can i do for revenge?
What a good question! The first thing you need to do is learn about spell check, but it’s okay. You were obviously upset while writing this.
Now then, this was 11 years ago. Let it go. Really, let it go. I loved a girl 11 years ago. She was my sister. It was some kind of mental disorder, I’m not sure. I do know that I got over it with 8 years of therapy and the discovery that she was not at all good in bed. It was all weird, and the child came out all gross.
I’m just kidding! I don’t have a sister. It was a fifth cousin. Now then, let this go you idiot! Go get a girl who didn’t know you when you thought mommy and daddy were cool and Splinter could beat Shredder. Just let this be! Or you could spread a rumor that they’re both lesbians.
Hope I helped!
Dear Love Doctor Joshua Grut,
How are you? I hope you are well. My name is Paris, and I’m in a LOVE JAM! There’s this girl I’m very fond of, let’s call her Juliet, and I’m currently experiencing a plethora of pitfalls in pursuing her. You see, Juliet hangs out with a fellow we’ll refer to as Romeo. Together, they smoke a lot of drugs and, while Juliet and I are quite close, my lady fair claims to love Romeo (although the two couldn’t spell the word ‘love’ between them with a flashlight and a can of Alphabet soup, you dig?). I am an attractive, intelligent and downright suitable young gent, her parents dig me (and hate Romeo) and I even own my own car! Joshua, what’s this bitch’s problem? Should I just f*ck her and be done with it, or continue the chase?
Romeo, thou art a villain! Or something. See, he’s a prick to Juliet for the most part, and their union is no doubt doomed to culminate with my murder and their double suicide. Yet here I am, good ol’ Paris, and I still can’t get a break no matter how worthy I am. And by the way, Romeo and I are actually friends, which is sort of where the Shakespearian parallel ends and becomes even more annoying.
Joshua Grut, I need your love power now more than ever (in a non-homosexual way)!
Yours truly,
Rejected in Verona
What a good question Rejected!
Well, you’re going to die. I can’t help that. It’s kind of like in that play Jeepers Creepers. Wait, that was never a play. Anyway, the fat black bitch knew the boy was going to die and tried to help him but her involvement only made things worse. It’s the same thing here, but I won’t pretend to be all helpful. My advice? Don’t cry out something like ‘Oh! I am slain!’ That’s just gay.
Hope I helped Rejected Corpse!
Dear Dr. Grizzutman,
My two reasons for living are sex and intoxication. This leads me to two problems. 1)It’s hard to meet a nice, pretty girl who likes whiskey, and 2)It’s hard to have any kind of relationship when you’re a soulless
alchol/workaholic. So I tend to meet women only in places that combine labia and libation — strip clubs. Now, I’ve banged a stripper…let’s call her Fine Ass Ho, three times. I don’t go out on dates with her, we don’t go home together, I just tip her, she drinks with me, and we screw in the girl’s bathroom. It’s not hookersex, because she’s freakin’ hot and I only pay for actual strip club services, not for the sex. But now she’s started to..you know, want to actually HANG OUT, outside of strip clubs and dirty, dirty sex. She wants to get kind of boyfriendy/girlfriendy. Call me hypocritical, but I can’t date some slutty stripper who gets f*cked bent over a toilet. Is there a way I can put this to her gently, still enjoy random stripper humps and not be loathed by all the girls at the tittie bar? Or, do you know any nice, pretty girls who like to drink whiskey and watch wrestling in the Rochester area?
Sinerely,
Idonwannabeaplayahnomo’ in Rochester NY.
P.S. — I won’t mis Sizzlekizzlemynizzle this week AT ALL.
I’m sorry. Please resend your question next week without all the naughty language. If we learned anything from Hyatte, it’s that parents read this with their kids on their laps.
Actually, I answer this. Motherf*ckers, yous gots tos tells thiss skankys asseds hos whats thes f*cks thes deals iss. Buts thens yous gots tos finds yourselfs anothers titties bars, g.
Hopes I helpeds, Idonwannabeaplayanomo’!
That’s it. It’s Tenacious Flea time, you motherf*ckers go!
