RAW IS PORN AGAIN.
– BOB, 11.26.01
If you hang around long enough, everything comes full circle.
Good Evening, I’m Flea and this is Saturday Evening Post. Tonight we have a shocking heel turn, HHH vs. Bret, Eddie, JR and the death (not really, but yeah ) of yet another Internet Wrestling Personality. Rumor has it there is a PPV on tomorrow night. A Japanese PPV. Maybe you may have heard about it. Not that it’s been beaten into your head or anything .
How does it feel to be a fan of porn? I mean, really, tell me. How does it feel?
Let’s get to it .
TOP STORY
As expected, the team of Doom and Gloom made their return Monday Night and beat the living shit out of those babyface assholes Hope and Prosperity. You thought that Hope and Prosperity would last? Dumb ass. Doom and Gloom will always prevail, enjoy your fleeting moments of wishful thinking while you get them.
In a shocking heel turn, clique members In Ring Promo and Backstage Skit turned on Hope literally pissing on him and also made poor Mr. Hope kiss some ass. Seeing the writing was on the wall, Prosperity joined In Ring Promo and Backstage Skit in the beatdowns and his turn to the darkside proved to be very wise; TV ratings, which are part of Prosperity’s gimmick, have taken a turn for the better and people are once again “talkingâ€Â.
Also shocking (but not really, if you think about it) is the heel turn of the Undertaker. Here in Internet Wrestling Land, UT has been the biggest heel for quite a while, for reasons I’m still not sure. His little speech to RVD the other night confirmed what UT haters have been shoving down our throats: HE is the big dog and chumps like Van Dam need to learn some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Now then, if holding people down is the UT’s new gimmick, and if he DOES hold people down, that means he rules, right? That would mean he is doing his job correctly and should be admired for his performances, correct? But on the other hand, if he fails to hold people down and (gasp!) does the j.o.b on p.p.v to R.V.D, then UT has NOT performed his task correctly and would then, therefore suck. Go back and read that again if needed. It all makes sense. Trust me. Kinda makes you wonder the validity of the word “smartâ€Â, don’t it!
Wrapping up this top story, Vince is asking for trouble in the long term. Netcop made a great point the other day when he explained the whole “attitude†mindset and how really overrated it was. Sure it brought ratings, but the product was not as good and people would have you believe. I thought the fed was on quite a roll through 2000, with angles and quality matches that blew away just about anything from the “attitude†period. Going back to an era of 3-minute matches and bullshit promos and skits is not innovative, it’s borderline brain dead behavior. Fortunately, Austin is currently at his peak, match wise, Angle is great, Rock has some pretty damn good matches, people are into RVD’s stunts, HHH and Benoit will be back soon and Edge has been impressive lately. My point here is that the Fed will have to try really, really hard NOT to have top notch, quality matches. Let’s hope these guys get some time to show off instead of pointless segments that accomplish nothing.
HEADLINES
Also in WWF news, plans are being made to have “split†promotions come January 7th 2002. No one can seem to agree if Vince will follow through with that or not as plans seem to change on a day to day basis. C’mon, that’s not that far away and surely they can book at least ONE MONTH AHEAD. Seems as though a “draft†will take place with what is rumored to be Vince on one side and Flair on the other. I will lay 3 to 1 odds that this is where Nash and Hall come in (or somewhere before Wrestlemania). What???! The deal between Nash and the Fed is off?? Bullshit. Do you think for a minute that 3 house shows a month is going to be a deal breaker? Hall is just tagging along for the ride but that’s fine by me. I’m sure Steiner fits in here somewhere as well. But you know who gets f*cked in this whole deal? You’ll find out in a month and some daze!
Backyard wrestling hilarity continues as some schmuck who did not want to do the j.o.b. got SET ON FIRE! REAL FIRE! WITH FLAMES! Criminal charges may be pending. I say lock this kid up. When it’s your turn to lose, take it like a man. The saddest part about this story is that these punks backyard wrestling fed may come to an end now that tragedy struck. Bummer. Hopefully these kids will get a f*cking life and steal some of Daddy’s beer, some of Mamma’s cigarettes and some of Brother’s porno mags and act like normal teenagers. Idiots. Didn’t Tough Enough teach anybody anything?
So much for the King of the Independents title. Eddie Guerrero return to ring action in New York against that dude Low-Ki, who everyone says is God’s gift to wrestling. I’ve seen the guy and he’s okay but he’s nowhere CLOSE to being in Eddie’s league. Oh yeah, Eddie lost. In front of around 6 or 700 people. But the crowd was appreciative. Meanwhile, Jericho has the chance to possibly become the Unified Champion. Life sucks.
THE ROSS SAYS THIS
In his latest Ross Report, Good Ol JR spilled the beans on the latest. There are a lot of injuries, but mostly the same people who have been on the shelf for a while now. Seems as though Booker T suffered a concussion after RVD CLOCKED him with the Van Daminator. Put your hand up Booker! This shit is FAKE, remember? X-Pac should be back soon, as should HHH. Benoit also.
Ross went on for pages and pages about the talent in OVW and HWA. Cornette and Thatcher get some big time props and Ross gave his opinion on many of the up and comers. With the talent cuts coming, a mention in the Ross Report is probably on the same level as making the “Dean’s Listâ€Â. But WAIT, The Ross says not to read into all this, these names are “off the top of his head†and in NO WAY has any bearing on the continuation of gainful employment. I might as well believe him, I guess.
Did you know that JR has a BBQ Sauce? Can you believe the BBQ sauce shit has been going on for nearly THREE YEARS now? By the time the sauce “relaunches†my f*cking arteries are going to be too clogged to enjoy solid foods. Hurry up JR! I’m beggin ya!
By the way, I think Rico Constantino is the coolest f*cking name this side of Mr. Ooh La La. I hope the dude makes it to the big time. (Rico, not La La) If not, I hope that name is sold to someone who will draw money with it. (La La, not Rico). Hey, if anyone can send me some OVW or HWA tapes I would be greatly appreciative. We would “trade†of course. As in some Benjamins for the tapes. Email me. RyderFakin@aol.com. Let’s talk turkey.
RADIO GA GA
Many of today’s wrestlers choose to express their opinions and gripes on various radio programs, be it the standard AM/FM stations or the up and coming Internet talk shows. Here is a run down on who said what
Byte This featured Chris Benoit. Rumor has it that Benoit will be on Excess tonight as well. As far as Byte this, as usual, I’ll leave the nuts and bolts to E.C. who did, in fact email me to disclose what the E and C stand for. Your secret is safe with me, buddy. By the way, I did try to respond but your email address came back invalid. Just so you know it was YOU and not ME. Also check out his column “Inquest†where E.C. tries to make heads or tails of the recent happenings in the Fed. Good stuff.
Over at WWF.com is it proven sleeping dogs get no peace can dead horses still get beat. Here is the Game on Montreal:
Triple H: “That was a fairly interesting night to say the least. To be honest, I don’t remember who I worked with, or if I worked. I don’t recall. I mostly just remember the Bret stuff happening and the aftermath — people being crazy and just not knowing what was going on. It was weird. It was one of those things that seemed a little bit surreal. At the time, I knew what had happened but I felt like Vince did the right thing. I couldn’t believe going into the match earlier in the day that we were going to do what people were telling me was supposed to happen. It shocked me but I shouldn’t say, after it was over, that it really surprised me. I thought Vince did what he had to do very unselfishly for everybody in our company. In my opinion, Bret Hart was determined to take all of us down in a way, and that would’ve hurt all of us, business-wise. Vince did what he did for everybody that works for him, not just for him of for anybody else. I thought the people who didn’t want to show up the next day didn’t get it, don’t understand the business.”
See! He knew, folks. Everyone was in on it. Except Foley. HHH sez people like him are stupid anyway. Right on.
Also over at the Fed’s website, Kurt Angle tells us his thoughts about year two of his career in pro graps. Nothing I ain’t heard before. Even MORE interesting, in the headline section, they are pimping a “Call from a WWF Superstar†if you go over to the ShopZone and “register†(buy a bunch of shit, wink wink.)
Hey Widro, put up a poll asking people who they would want to call them. I smell a “Top Ten List†in all this as well. And a “Takeâ€Â. Too bad for the f*cks that are not READING shit relating to our little Internet Funland. No call from Stone Cold for YOU!!! Haha ha ahaha ha ha. Whatever.
ROLL THE DICE
Wait no longer! Well, maybe another day (or a few hours whenever you are reading this). It’s that Japanese PPV that you have heard so much about. Here is what will happen:
Abdullah Kobayashi vs. Tomokai Honma for the Big Japan Heavyweight Championship.
Ryuji Yamakawa vs. Kintaro Kanemura for the WEW Hardcore Championship.
The Winger vs. Trent Acid for the CZW Junior Heavyweight Championship.
Kiyoko Ichiki vs. Misae Genki for the Big Japan Women’s Championship. This will be the first time a Women’s death match featuring barbed wire boards will be shown on PPV in North America.
Shadow WX vs. Mike Samples in a Florescent Light Bulb Match.
Joel “Six Times She Came Before She Told Me Her Name†Gertner and Missy ” I only came TWICE, you f*ck†Hyatt will be your hosts. I ordered it through In Demand just mere MOMENTS ago. $14.95 sounded like a fair price, not like InDemand will haggle anyway. I’m sure someone here at 411 will do a report and we may have real time coverage! By Widro!
I hope this catches on. I heard them Japanese do some crazy shit like alligator and pirhana gimmick matches. And how can you go wrong with Women and Barbed Wire? Bra and Panties my ass. Order the show. Or else.
IN OTHER WORDS
Now available on 411
Scott Keith has his SmarkDown Report available. The good mood did not last but it’s a damn good read. Check it out.
Wow. As of this writing, no one else is doing work. Shame on you guys. Commitment, folks.
Come back tomorrow morning for the EXCESS Report. Speaking of which, my review of the Gay Adventures of the Hardyz from last weeks EXCESS prompted my receiving the following website’s address. Go here por favor. See what’s up and tell em Flea sent ya.
PAGE SIX
What started off as a shitty week took a turn for the better as we appear to be shaping up to a hell of a PPV next weekend. Look for some fireworks on Monday as even JR went out on a limb and did the old “hard sell†for RAW and Smackdown in his Ross Report. Hell, Ross might even get a measure of revenge against the people that did him wrong. Who knows.
I was distressed to find out that the Honky Tonk Man has closed his website. Honky cites the fact that Flair and Lawler are back on tv, his heart is just no longer into whippin people asses. Too bad. I loved the guy and made sure when I decided to use stuff from the dead Glorydog, Honky was Numero Uno on the list. Farewell Honky. I ain’t writing another obit, though.
Finally, I was going to do another Six Degrees of Ryder Fakin to take us home tonight, but I find myself having to bow at the alter of BOB this week. Not that I always disagree with the guy and he is awful fun to playfully goof on, but he got the ultimate “Fuck You†to his peers in the Internet Wrestling Community. He told us YEARS ago with Raw is Porn that the fallout from the Fed’s bullshit would hurt them and damn if it didn’t. For those of you who don’t remember or were not on line back in those days, BOB got raked over the FUCKING COALS for that column and that continues to this very day. But it turned out he was right on the money. And people can’t stand it. Yes, folks, the world revolves around BOB, hence Six Degrees of Ryder Fakin. Never ending story, kids. Unless BOB hires me, of course.
This has been Saturday Evening Post and I’m Flea.
