You will pay for your inappropriate use of dialogue! – Mojo Jojo
Apparently Mojo’s had it with the WWF writing team too.
And welcome to yet another Tuesday here at Internet wrestling’s Island of Misfit Toys. I’m your Yukon Cornelius for this evening, and I’ll be taking you on a whirlwind look at the world at large and, as an afterthought, wrestling news of the day. Let’s start it off with some personal crap, shall we?
I do want to mention that I really was out of town last week (so those of you who got your hopes up that I was gone, too bad). I wasn’t able to catch Raw thanks to the standard Shitty Hotel Cable System ™, although kudos to the Radisson Quad Cities for everything else (wonderful room, great restaurant). I decided to do a Mind-Clearing Week and not watch Smackdown either. I read the recaps only when prepping for this week to catch myself up, and I’ll echo everyone else’s statements: Chester the Molester was right. Raw is Porn. It’s not only Porn, it’s Bad Gay Porn to boot, with more ass-kissing to come on SD. I told everyone not to get their hopes up with Flair’s arrival, didn’t I? Remember, it’s still the same old writing staff. So those of you who wrote me bitching about my complaints, I expect you to write me back to apologize.
THE PIMP SECTION
Boy, Flea’s right. Everyone’s sort of vanishing out of embarassment because of this angle. Fortunately, Gamble has a new one about e-mails from his mark buddies (and shame on Flea that he didn’t pimp him). Nason pimps some of the guys that we may have heard of who are ready for the WWF but are currently in OWV/HWA. And memo to Daniels: Yeah, that’s the way it pretty much works. Insult someone and get flooded, don’t insult anyone and you hear crickets chirping (and if you really want mail, try saying something about September 11th; I got fifty mails in an hour about the Babs Olsen comments). But I’m not doing it on purpose; I really do hate those people I insult.
WORDS OF COMFORT AND WISDOM
So we’re officially in a recession now, and have been since March. Surprise. Now, some of you have never been through this before, so I can act as your guide. This is Ol’ Greybeard’s fourth recession, so I have some experience in dealing with this. First of all, you should know a little something about recessions. The main cause of recession is a Republican presidency. Therefore, you can’t do anything about the root cause for another three years. So what can you do now? First of all, keep up your spending habits. It’s important to keep money flowing and liquid, and to support the companies that move whatever economy is left. My suggestion? Buy your dog an X-Box for Christmas. God knows that you won’t be able to use the controller, but maybe Rover will. Second, find out where your local unemployment office is, and get there early to file, since lines are long even during periods of Democratic presidencies. Third, while you still have medical insurance, stock up on antidepressants (I recommend Elavil and Paxil). You’ll need them for those down times you’re going to be having. Fourth, if you’re of proper age, look into the option of joining the military on a three-year enlistment. The pay is crap, but your food, work clothing, housing, and utilities are paid for, you’ll learn a practical trade if you play your cards right (I did), and your job is safe until the end of that three-year enlistment since the one thing a Republican president is guaranteed to do is raise the military budget. Also, you have the side benefit of dropping weight, and some of you fatasses out there need to lose some poundage ASAP (Personal disclosure: I am 205 pounds, the same weight I was when I got out of the Army almost ten years ago). There are, of course, some risks involved in this, but no more than playing the market these days. I hope that this helps someone out there.
SOME QUICK OBSERVATIONS…
Gotta find something to make fun of…gotta, gotta, gotta…
George Harrison? No, absolutely not.
The guy with the fully-implanted artificial heart? Again, no. He died from complications from his other conditions, so the damn thing worked. This brings a lot of hope to people.
John Walker? Hey, the guy was fighting for something he believes in. Religion is a force that ignores borders and affiliations. I admire people who follow E. M. Forster’s dictate that given a choice between betraying your country or your friend, you would have the guts to betray your country. That’s why Kim Philby is a personal hero to me and Ollie North is a scum-sucker.
World AIDS Day was Saturday. I’m not touching that one. Kenya and South Africa are being laid to waste, Eastern Europe’s well on its way, Central America will be following. And for those morons who still think that it’s purely a gay disease or a drug-abuser disease, note that in Spain and Italy (not to mention Kenya and South Africa), the majority, not the plurality, of cases are spread heterosexually. By the way, when did “gay” become an all-purpose adjective? I must have missed that memo.
Enron and Excite@Home? That’s what happens when you play in a real economy with Monopoly money. No truth to the rumors that the Astros will be playing at Chapter 11 Field next year, though (actually, the rights to name the stadium in Houston will probably be part of the asset settlement in bankruptcy court). And we can only hope that Scott Keith’s provider made alternate arrangements, but that’s the only hope I have for @Home people. All I can say is that on Saturday morning, the number of alerts my firewall threw up suddenly lessened, my spam quotient went down tremendously, and my bandwidth increased.
Crown Princess Masako’s baby? Bad timing. If she’d done it earlier in the week, the Nikkei would have went bonkers, which would have upped the Dow and NASDAQ in its wake, Enron aside. Imagine what the bump would have been like if it’d been a boy. Congrats to the new parents, though.
The World Cup draw? The US is in there with one of the best teams in Europe, a team that got hot during European qualifying, and one of the host countries. Can you say “three and out”? Then there’s Group F, the Darwin Special. Nigeria’s underrated, Sweden’s been doing well, and then there’s those old pals England and Argentina. Something always seems to happen in a World Cup when those two meet. The Beckham incident in ’98, the Hand of God in ’86…that’ll be the first-round game to watch. Germany gets a group of patsies so that the members of FIFA aren’t beat up when they do their tours to see how the next host country’s coming along on preparations, although Cameroon:World Cup::Gonzaga:March Madness. Italy’s in the same boat as Germany. At least Brazil got a large road block put in their path with Costa Rica. All in all, yet another case of Round Up The Usual Suspects.
Hmmm, how about Bioware finally ending their relationship with Interplay? Now that really means something to me, because the AD&D fanboy in me is salivating uncontrollably for Neverwinter Nights, and now that game’s without a publisher. Interplay is majority-owned by Titus now, so that means I get to make fun of the French again, and I never get tired of that, but…who will Bioware go to? Obviously to whoever owns other computer rights for AD&D games. Let’s see, Interplay only owns the Forgotten Realms rights. SSI has a piece of the world as well (witness the fatally-bugged Pool of Radiance), but they’re owned by UbiSoft. More Frogs. How about the people who own AD&D then? Let’s see, TSR is owned by Wizards of the Coast (a bunch of complete assholes to be sure, but they’re at least American). WoC is owned by Hasbro. Hasbro sold the computer game rights to all their material to Infogrames…dammit. The French are everywhere! The French are everywhere! How long will it be before game EULAs include a clause stating that you won’t bathe?
Before anyone starts in with me using that old stereotype, let me inform you that I’ve been on the Paris Metro on a hot August day, and I can definitely assure you that this one happens to be quite true. It reminded me of being exposed to CS gas during Basic Training. Also true are the stereotypes about Parisian waiters and dog shit on the streets. If you’re doing a European vacation, f*ck Paris and do Amsterdam and London instead.
Speaking of foul, uncontrollable odors, let’s move to Raw. We’re less than a week away from a PPV, and it’s quite clear they have no idea how they’re going to book this one yet. So let’s see if we can pick up any clues from the Monday night ass-fest…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Kane over Buh Buh Ray Dudley (Pinfall, chokeslam): The pairing of Kane and TBS will definitely not revitalize the tag scene. Too bad that everyone but the WWF seems to know this.
Albert over Test (Pinfall, Scotty-ference): I was watching Marianne Faithfull and Anita Pallenberg guest on AbFab, actually, so I got to miss this Former Tag Team Partners Explode! Special. The sad part of this is I still remember which Stones those two f*cked, and in what order. Scott Taylor, though, should stay off a mic for a long time. Atrocious work by him, to say the least. Of course, I thought the same about Christian a long time ago, and he matured into a good mic worker. So there is hope. Not much, but there is hope.
Matt and Jeff Hardy over Yoshihiro Tajiri and Spike Dudley (Pinfall, Jeff pins Spike, Swanton Bomb): Let’s see, watch the poster boys for homoeroticism attempt to do a breakup that someone would give a damn about, or watch Aquaman kick John Stewart’s ass on Justice League? Considering this is the don’t-f*ck-with-me new-style Aquaman, he obviously gets my vote, even with Tajiri involved in this match. And Aquaman’s on next week’s episode too.
Steve Austin over Chris Jericho, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Stunner): Good for what it was, which was just a teaser for Sunday. So why couldn’t this be the main event? Oh, because Flex has to be in the main event. Well, duh to me for actually thinking that two of the better wrestlers in the upper-card should actually be in the main. You have to satisfy the so-called People instead. Screw the People. The WWF should book for me and no one else, dammit!
Rob Van Dam over Christian, Hardcore Title Match (Pinfall, Five-Star Frog Splash): Another mild-mannered hardcore match, done just to get Christian some camera time. I’m supposing that by the fact that Ross and Lawler (and it still feels weird to type that again) weren’t pimping RVD/UT very much. Possibly the best FSFS that Van Dam’s put out since his WWF arrival, though.
S. W. Regal, Esq. over Mr. John Leyfield, CPA (Pinfall, international-object-assisted punch): Now is that any way to treat the WWF’s Number One Market Player in this kind of market, Mister Regal? Good investment help is hard to find these days, you know. And bravo to you, Tazz, for screwing up yet another promo.
A Pair Of Twits over Vince McMahon and Kurt Angle, Kiss My Ass Stips Match (Pinfall, Flex pins Angle, uranage): Why should Vince be afraid of kissing Flex’s ass? He’s been doing that for two and a half years now. That being said, why in the name of heaven is Trish in a main event match? Look, if she had Bronskied Vince, I would have thought her presence acceptable. If she had Bronskied me, I would have found her presence pleasurable. But no Bronski in sight, therefore no purpose, therefore no need for match at all.
Angle Developments:
1997 May Be Too Late For This Development: Anyone else think that Flair’s admission about Austin being the Man might be a make-up for the intentions he had during 1994 that were dashed by Bischoff and Hogan? It’s nice and all, but Austin really doesn’t need it. Most fans out there think that he’s the Man anyway, Ric. 10 points for good intentions, minus a thousand for what Bisch and the Goblin wrought in regards to all of that (and minus a billion for the rest of what they wrought).
Oh, Yuck!: Trish, how could you!? I mean, if you needed to, I was about a half-hour away. I could have picked you up if you needed a ride. But HIM?!?! Thank God I wasn’t eating at the time.
Design For Living This Ain’t: Oh, how sweet. After totally blowing the Edge/Christian break-up, the WWF writers now think that can do the same with the Hardys, and wreck whatever career Lita has left in the process. Wake me up when they give me something that’ll make me care about them.
Isn’t This Borderline Racist?: You know how far a well-dressed black guy will get in Milwaukee in a hot pickup? Not very far, let me assure you. Thank God Booker didn’t do that tomorrow night, because the cops in Rosemont would be on his ass before you can say “Rodney King”. And I hope it’s just coincidence that it’s an African-American doing a B&E and happening to know how to hot-wire a vehicle. Oh, yeah, one other thing: don’t you normally hot-wire a vehicle from the ignition actuators on the steering column (that’s the way I learned how to do it)? Ah, but that’s the magic of television. Booker had to do it from under the hood so that you couldn’t see the guy who was actually starting the truck in the cab. Sorry if I exposed the entertainment business for some of you, but your childish illusions must be shattered sometimes.
The People’s Ass: Meaning that it’s fat, can barely move, and covered with the pimples of millions and millions, not to mention attached to smelly, unwashed rectums. I’ll go with that description of you, Flex, and of your fans.
That “What?” Thing: Dear God, I’m so sick of it, just like I am with all catchphrases. That’s the biggest problem I have with turning the clock back to 1997 like they’re doing, the goddamn catchphrases are going to come back again. We don’t need that. We really don’t. We can enjoy watching wrestling without being induced to shout along with the TV.
AND NOW ON TO OTHER WRESTLING NEWS…
Paul G wrote me on Monday stating that his local cable provider is putting on ads for Vengeance that involve Trip, with The Man Who Has To Put Up With Her Screeching saying that they lied to him, cheated him, and stole from him, so now he’s out to justify the new name of the PPV. Might this be a little accidental foreshadowing? It wouldn’t be the first time a cable company’s let the cat out of the bag.
Like Ashish reported, Rob Feinstein of RF Video (everyone’s favorite maker of shoot interview tapes) says that he’s attempting to organize a card for February 23rd in South Philly called Ring Of Honor. The company does have a few people working for them who are experienced in putting on shows in Philly, especially Gabe Sapolsky, who was Heyman’s personal gofer in the ECW days, so they’re not going in blind, unlike a certain defunct website who shall not be named who decided to promote a card (*coughScoopscough*). Good luck to them.
Is the XWF coming to YOUR town soon? If you live in the southeast area of Chicago, in Milwaukee, or in Green Bay, the answer is yes. They’ll be in Hammond, IN on December 28th, Milwaukee on the 29th, and GB on the 30th. Since you guys who were around in the day might not have paid attention, and since I have a bigger audience now than I did, I’ll refresh you on the ground rules: comp me for the Milwaukee show, I lay off you. Front row gets you three months worth of positive pimps. Backstage pass, and I’ll start acting like Milord Scherer in regard to you. You notice that a certain large wrestling federation did not do that for me on Monday night when Raw was in Milwaukee or with Smackdown tonight in Chicago, and see what I wrote about them?
As for Vengeance, here’s what’s announced so far…
Matt Hardy versus Jeff Hardy, Lita as Special Guest Ref.
Undertaker versus Rob Van Dam in a “Who’s The Heel?” Match.
TBS and Kane versus the Dudz in a Unified Tag Title Match. Yippie.
Edge versus Former Commissioner Regal in a Unified Secondary Belt Match.
Trish Stratus versus Jacqueline in a Women’s Title Match, with some stipulation added at the last moment to enhance the possibility that one of them will show some tit.
Steve Austin versus Kurt Angle and Chris Jericho versus some no-talent in the first round of the Undisputed Championship Tournament, with the winners facing each other later on for said championship.
That’s eight so far. Probably one more will get added during SD, almost certainly for the Euro title.
Okay, I’m outta here for now. I have some motherboard problems that might be solved when FedEx gets here tomorrow, in which case I’ll knock off tomorrow’s column and then prep to get my system on a RAID array. If not, I’ll find some way to occupy my time. Enjoy yourselves until then.
