What is happiness? It is having the right to go out onto the main square and to shout at the top of your voice, “Lord, what a bad government we have!”. – Jan Masaryk
Yeah, go report me to the FBI like some of you threatened to. I don’t have anything to fear from them or from Military Justice Tribunals. I’ll keep telling the truth until they pull my keyboard out of my cold dead hands, and if you can’t take it, that’s your problem.
Something I forgot to mention yesterday: According to FuckedCompany, the WWF will be ponying up for DoubleClick’s Christmas Party, to be held at WWFNY. If any two companies deserve each other, it’s them. One plagues us with ads on websites, the other with bad wrestling programming. I can get rid of one courtesy of a couple of programs, and could get rid of the other with the simple click of a remote, except there’s these damn columns to do. I suffer only as much as I want to, and I’m willing to do this to you. Now nominate me for martyrdom.
The cartoon smark in me is rejoicing at the fact that CN under Brad Siegel has added a second Late Night Black and White on Saturday nights/Sunday mornings at 1AM ET, and are doing something with the 1AM ET Acme Hour that’s really interesting. It’s the repository for all of the rare old cartoons. In fact, last night’s edition was all B&W cartoons as well, including some pre-1934 Warner Brothers material that used to be LNB&W’s sole province. It’s no secret that there’s some heavy-duty cartoon fans high up at CN, and Good Ol’ Bradley is apparently doing the same thing that he did at WCW: let the inmates run the asylum. However, this time, it’s working. Betty Cohen was so kid-conscious at times that she would never have allowed this. I can’t believe I’m typing in some good words about Brad Siegel. Who’s next, Flex? Nah.
Flea wondered why, being a golf nut, I didn’t throw in a remark about Ty Tryon being the youngest person ever to qualify for a PGA Tour card. It’s because I couldn’t think of a good joke about it after racking my brain all day on the subject, and I don’t like to expose my audience to low-quality material, unlike the WWF. Flea tried his darndest too, but also failed. So we’ll just let him go with a major congrats, and here’s hoping he picks up a course rat for the Senior Prom.
Memo to Letawsky: Sorry I couldn’t get your pimp up yesterday, but welcome back. To answer that one question, Benoit appeared in WCW in early 1993, appearing at Superbrawl against Scorpio, and tagging up with Bobby Eaton against Scorpio and Bagwell at Slamboree. He was spending most of his time in Japan at that point, though. And remember that the first title he ever won was a WWF belt, the old LHW title in Mexico in 1991. BTW, if you want a FastTrack program, don’t use Kazaa. You can’t avoid installing the spyware on it. Use Morpheus instead; it at least gives you a choice.
Mistah Keith did survive the @home meltdown after all, and contributes his weekly dose. Ditto PK is very non-judgemental this week. And, by the way, there’s another activity that burns 150 calories per hour other than banging your head against a wall, and that’s sex. Too bad that I’m too damn old to actually have sex for a full hour anymore. Oh, to be eighteen again…
Screw it, let’s move on to Smackdown. I’m right in the middle of a system reinstall and all I have up is literally my e-mail program and my text editor that I use to write this. Why I sacrifice for you ungrateful bastards is beyond me.
FROM THE USUAL PLACE, NAMELY RAJAH…
Let’s see how the WWF disgraced the good name of Rosemont, Illinois, shall we?
Edge, Kane, and TBS over The Dudz and Regal (Pinfall, Edge pins Regal, Edgecutioner): Just about what you’d expect. Regal isn’t wearing the brass knucks like a cock ring tonight; he just has My Beautiful and Beloved hand them to him. TBS takes the shot tonight from them, in case you cared. Just about what it sounds like with that lineup.
Vince and Angle plot to avoid Vince having to lip-lock Flex’s anus.
Rob Van Dam over Matt Hardy, Presumably a Hardcore Championship Match (Pinfall, Van Daminator): Match’s only purpose was a UT run-in at the end.
Test and Christian over Albert and Scott Taylor (Pinfall, Test pins Taylor, big boot): I owe Christian for breaking up the Worm. Otherwise, I’ll have to give them credit for at least cramming in the guys we don’t care about into tag matches.
The Ass Festival begins, and I won’t spoil the surprise ass that Vince gets to kiss, only it should be kinda obvious when you talk about ass in the WWF (no, not Billy Gunn, the other guy).
Crash Holly over Jacqueline (Pinfall, rollup): As Crash officially becomes Disco Inferno 2K2.
Angle sucks up to Vince via phone, while Booker fails to suck up to Flair and is still without a job. In the meantime, poor Bradshaw’s feelings were hurt by UT’s turn (they even bring up the Ministry, yeesh), so we’ve got our next match.
The Undertaker over Bradshaw (Pinfall, chokeslam): Well, duh. RVD does return the run-in from earlier, though.
Jericho gets some promo airtime as he tries to make us believe that he’s actually going to win on Sunday. The only good thing here is the presence of…PAISLEY!
The Glimmer Twins over Kurt Angle and Chris Jericho (Submission, Flex makes Jericho submit, World’s Shittiest Sharpshooter): Naturally, this breaks apart into an every-man-for-himself before we enjoy the obligatory moment of Austin and Flex splitting some brew. I’ll just vomit now and avoid the rush.
Okay, this is another one to avoid, thank you.
IN OTHER WRESTLING NEWS…
Widro already mentioned that the ratings took another dive, an event which I, yet again, predicted would happen after everyone went all spoogy over the jack that happened when Flair arrived. We saw this earlier this summer when Flex came back, you know, and, again, it took exactly two weeks for the ratings to dip down to their previous level. Surprise booking isn’t going to cut it anymore. It’s going to take an engaging storyline to bring the ratings back up…oh, hell, I’ve been saying this for two years now. They don’t listen. They don’t care. Insert remark about sheep.
Ed Whalen, the longtime announcer for Stampede Wrestling, passed away this morning from the heart attack he suffered this weekend that was reported on by Widro yesterday. Our thoughts go out to his family and the numerous fans he gathered over his years of broadcasting.
I GET TOO DAMN MUCH MAIL
Dustin Alan Chase from North Dakota State University writes and says Just wanted to say I don’t like your columns at all. They are really insulting. Well, duh. How long did it take for you to figure that out? And learn how to spell “opinion” while you’re at it.
Brad Baughman’s brain is fried from finals (ah, yes, I remember it well…), and he gives me a thought about both Hardys turning on Lita and signing on Heyman as a manager. I’ll be non-judgemental just like PK here. It’s a waste of Heyman, really. We all know what an incendiary manager he can be, and giving the Hardys to him…well, it’d work if he started berating them at every opportunity in an attempt at tough love. But that’s only because I want to see someone yell at the Hardys and make them cry. I’m amazed that I avoided a gay joke with the Hardys and Heyman in the same topic.
Jackass Wheeler writes, As for John Walker, nice character assessment. Just another victim, eh? If you’re going to stand up for this prick, than you must also stand up for the next guy who shoots up an abortion clinic in the name of Jesus Christ. Everyone needs to take responsibility for their actions, and this idiot is no exception. I’d say that volunteering for an army and fighting in a war is taking responsibility on a level that you can only dream about, little man. There’s a big difference between shooting an unarmed doctor and shooting at someone who’s firing back at you. And brining up abortion in this discussion is not only specious, but a corollary of Godwin’s Law, the Internet scribbling refuge of the truly stupid. So, you’re the one who needs to get a life, putz.
To everyone who wrote me to give me Macroeconomics 101, grab a dictionary and look up the word “joke”. I swear to Jah that the only conservative with a sense of humor is P. J. O’Rourke.
And let me end with this beauty, from William Transou:
Dude, you suck!!
How can you knock The People’s Champ?? He’s only gives the best promo’s, gets the biggest crowd pops and has put people over and jobbed matches for the better of the business!! Hell, he’s almost as great a superstar as The Game and you knock the guy at every chance you get.
Personally, I think you are a closet Rock “mark” who secretly wishes he was the Gold god of Wrestling. Sorry bro, that’s seats taken and he has The People to back him!!
You know, you internet guys have no clue what the F*ck your talking about. How can you go on and on about how bad the shows are?! If you don’t like it, stop watching moron! There’s a reason why Vinnie Mac is a freaking billionaire!! If the story lines were so bad, then he should be broke. Right?! Guess you missed that part huh…
And that’s the bottom line, because I said so!!
Can you smell what I’m cooking? Jabronie?
If your not down with that, I got 2 words for you…
I’ll make you famous!!
and finally…
I AM THE WHOLE FUCKIN’ SHOW!!!!!!!!
I can’t say anything about that but this: I think he’s just about covered every reason why marks should qualify for euthanasia, don’t you?
Well, I’ll be contributing to the Round Table (if they let me back in after SurSer), and then I’ll be back next Monday night/Tuesday morning with more, by which time my system should be back up and running. Dammit, I need a Civ 3 fix, or a sedative.
