Joshua Grut. Desire.
Intro music plays in the background. Joshua Grut is sitting in front of his computer.
Joshua Grut: I never really imagined doing something like this. I mean, I was a big fan of Hyatte’s for awhile, and I got a couple of little comments published on Al Isaac’s main page. Remember after the Schiavone comments about Foley, Isaac’s put up a quote that said, “The first time he said it, I thought it was unprofessional. The second time, I thought it was disgusting. The third time, I turned off Nitro for the night.†That was me. I said that.
HELLO OLD FRIEND WE MEET AGAIN
BEEN AWHILE, WHERE SHOULD I BEGIN?
FEELS LIKE FOREVER.
Joshua Grut types on his computer and eats a personal pizza. He speaks over the music.
Joshua Grut: It’s not that I hate Widro. I just happen to know that he has lots and lots of gold hidden in his basement underneath the furnace. If I were to kill Widro and take over his life like in one of those stupid movies, not only would I get the gold, but I’d get 411wrestling dot com. The website is a money machine.
Joshua Grut suddenly stops talking and with a determined look begins to type and eat.
WHEN YOU ARE WITH ME, I’M FREE!
I’M WEIGHTLESS, I BELIEVE!
ABOVE ALL OTHERS, WE’LL FLY.
WHICH BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES.
MY SACRIFICE.
Various shots of Joshua Grut eating pizza and typing as music plays. In one shot, Joshua Grut suddenly jerks away from the computer and stares at the camera. In another shot, Joshua Grut turns away from his pizza and stares intently at the camera. In another shot, Joshua Grut sits in his underwear at his computer, typing and eating a personal pizza. In another shot, Edge spears Joshua Grut. In another shot, Joshua Grut sits at his computer, typing and eating a personal pizza.
Joshua Grut: I’m not special. I’m not some kind of God just because I have a couple of thousand people reading my work every week. I’m not, am I? Really, I’m not, right? I’m not some kind of God just because I work for a wrestling website. I can see how Scott Keith could be confused, but I have my feet on the ground. Oh, tell my secretary to send Scott Keith a box of candy and a note of apology. What do you mean I don’t have a secretary? I should have one. Let’s work on that.
I JUST WANT TO SAY HELLO AGAIN!
(PAUSE)
WHEN YOU ARE WITH ME, I’M FREE
I WEIGHTLESS, I BELIEVE
ABOVE ALL OTHERS, WE’LL FLY
WHICH BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES
BA DUM
WHEN YOU ARE WITH ME, I’M FREE!
Josh Grut eats pizza and types as the song goes on. He then turns to the camera.
Joshua Grut: If it’s all about one thing, it’s all about the fans. Well, the fans and the feeling of self importance I get doing a job that probably most any wrestling fan who passed 12th grade English could do. I mean, I become the man! People actually respect my opinion about something! For at least a few hours a day I become more then Joshua Grutman, ordinary college commuter. I become Joshua Grut, a respected journalist. I become a superstar, and I’m not going to let go of this until I get bored or something better comes along.
MY SACRIFICE.
DESIRE!
News!!!
411 EXCLUSIVE: SMACKDOWN IS NOT A LIVE SHOW
So, we know what to expect on the program. Edge and the Big Red Show face the Brit and the Dudz, RVD faces the evil Hardy, Hey Hey Hey it’s Hot Albert faces C.a.T., McMahon kisses ass but whose?!, Crash fights Jacky in the ultimate battle of the sexes, Bradshaw faces the Most Hated Man on the Internet, and Rock and Austin fight Jericho and Angle.
Since I don’t want to do the roundhouse but since I’m sitting at a computer now, I’ll do it now. The Dudleyz over Big Show and Kane when former alliance members interfere. Edge over Regal. Jacky over Trish in an upset. Jeff over Matt with hopefully Matt snapping and post match beat downing his brother while Lita tries her best to act sad. Umm, Undertaker over RVD. I’m probably forgetting matches. Jericho over the Rock, Stone Cold over Angle and Jericho over Stone Cold unless the WWF wants me to be really upset. It’s not that I particularly like Jericho more then the other 3. I happen to think that they’re all really excellent at their jobs. But Triple H is coming back, and unless the WWF does not plan on really making Jericho a top star, he’s the only one who needs to win this thing. Angle does not need it. Stone Cold does not need it. The Rock does not need it. If we’re to take Jericho seriously, he needs it. Have Ric Flair assist him and we have a new dirtiest player in the game with a mentor. We’re done with this.
In what might become a weekly occurrence, let’s now play
WHO! GOT! FIRED! presented by Joshua Grut in accordance with wrestlingobserver.com
That’s right boys and girls, welcome to Who Got Fired! With the WWF suffering with a bloated roster and once again sagging ratings, major cuts are expected and have all ready begun. Let’s see who the contestants are this week. Take it away, Widro!
Thanks Josh! Jeepers everyone, we sure do have a swell bunch of contestants today. By George, did you fellas know that there was a Pay-Per-View on the other night? Japanese Hardcore Wrestling? Gee whiz, it was nifty! Now, let’s meet those wacky contestants!
Russ McCullough!
James Yang!
Stone Cold Steve Austin!
Kid Romeo!
Kwee Wee!
Elix Skipper!
Reno!
The Rock!
Lash Leroux!
They’re all butterscotch pie as far as this webmaster is concerned! Back to you, Joshua Grut! Golly!
Thanks Widro. Now, we hate to have losers on our show, but everyone can’t win. They were great contestants, but The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin did not get fired. Thanks for playing guys! We have some lovely parting gifts for you. Now Rocky, stop crying. You’ll get another chance during the next round of layoffs. Congratulations to all of our other contestants! You’re all fired!
They should’ve given Lash a chance. I thought the guy had talent. Oh well.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
In his latest commentary, Chris Jericho talked a bit about George Harrison. Besides that, he had nothing interesting to say. There may have been something about some ‘glass ceiling’, but I wasn’t really reading. Chrisjericho.com.
Rhyno visited backstage at Smackdown according to WWF.com. He gored Jericho through two tables and turned to Stephanie for his reward. Rhyno still has a lot of recovering to do.
I saw a sneak preview of Not Another Teen Movie last night and read the Dark Knight Returns today. Both were pretty cool in their own way. I was shocked that I liked NATM.
Good enough. Junk news! Huzzah!
WWA DOESN’T LOOK BAD AT ALL. VINCE McMAHON TO STEAL TALENT IMMEDIATELY.
This all happened in London. Juventud beat Psicosis. Scott Steiner and Bret Hart did an angle for a show the next night. Genius. Buff Bagwell beat the Disco Inferno. In a “London Rumbleâ€Â, Road Dogg beat Vampire Warrior (Gangrel), Luna Vachon, Screamin’ Norman Smiley, Stevie Ray, Crowbar, Konan and Scott Steiner. Crowbar beat Gangrel. Screw the Vampire thing. Norman Smiley and Nathan Jones beat the West Hollywood Blondes. The WHB should be the WWF tag champs right now. In the main event, Road Dogg and Grandmaster Sexay beat Scott Steiner and Jeff Jarrett when Bret Hart got involved. This really does not sound like a bad show at all. Thanks Torch!
Is that it? Yeah, that’s it.
Oh I guess it would be nice if I could plug your body. I know not everybody plugs a body like me.
I GET TO PLUG CARLOS FOR REAL! 411’s Main Event examines Flair vs. Steamboat. I’m not sure which one. I’ll read it later, I’m just kind of busy. Still, Carlos rules all domains and this is a good idea.
Still care about Bret Hart? Then read the Smark transcript of Bret’s interview.
Also, Gamble, Morse and Letawsky have new ones. I’m sorry guys. I swear I’ll give you all huge plugs tomorrow. I have to go. Here, I’ll write some poetry in 3 minutes and then you can write me Love Doctor letters or there will be no Love Doctor tomorrow.
POETRY FOR THE SOUL in 3 minutes
Monkey Kiss
By
Joshua Grut
Monkey, when you pucker up
And blow your kiss at me
There is nowhere in this great big world
That I would rather be.
Monkey, when you scream at me
And throw some poop my way
I scoop it up and make a ball
Of Monkey feces, hey!
Monkey, when you sing to me
And hold my hand at night
I wish I could apologize
So we could end our fight
But Monkey, now you’ll go away
And never will come back
I guess it wasn’t meant to be
Can’t make love with a dumb Monkey
And now those bugs you found in me
You will eat as a snack.
Thank you. I am Joshua Grut. Send in the Love Doctor Questions for tomorrow.
