Yes it’s Monday and yes I’m Flea. He who laughs last laughs last laugh last loud. Eh, I can never get that right. A big time PPV went on and it was called The House on Chasey Lain. On another PPV channel some Vengeance was happenin enjoy another week of work.
Come on, let’s go
FIRST OFF
Vengeance is in the books and don’t I feel like a schmuck. Not really, who would have thought they would throw Sports Entertainment into my wrestling enjoyment? And no HHH?? Hopefully anyone that’s in the advertising department is included in the class action lawsuit because
Oh here it is again the Vengeance promo with HHH. Did you see him? Me neither unless knee surgery gives you a f*cking dark, dark tan. Motherf*ckers. Anyway, great show with the ending you knew was coming but we got there in a very circuitous route.
If you are new to The Monday Edition here is the deal: Italics are from Saturday Evening Post with results to follow. (some is edited for time nah, full ride) If you don’t like it, consider it a run in
World Wrestling Federation Championship – Stone Cold vs. Kurt Angle
Austin is back on top of the world and Angle is currently playing the part of Vince’s lackey, but this time solo. As well it should be. I liked Austin as a heel but things just seem right with the world when people are cheering him. Angle, on the other hand is very easy to dislike. What does all this mean? A great match from two of the top in the game. Nefarious deeds will abound from the Angle camp as Vince will most likely put in his two cents. It ain’t gonna work because you HAVE to put Austin in the final match. No if ands or buts about it.
Austin won in a hell of a match. JR (and King to a lesser extent) were at the top of their games calling this old school style contest. Back and forth until the end. Austin wins with the Stone Cold Stunner. I would bitch about Angle selling the move in the most ludicrous way this side of Rock –E (c’mon, he gets nailed, stands STRAIGHT up and falls over like a tree. John Stossel on line one, Kurt!) but the match was off the charts due to Austin’s psychology and Angle’s talent. Steve Austin rules ten ways to Sunday and raise your drink to him being around after so many injuries.
World Championship – The Rock vs. Some Other Guy
Well, these guys hate each other. Some Other Guy has just turned full blown heel and should get a negative reaction from the crowd just by being Rock – E’s opponent. A big deal has been made about Some Other Guy doing the j.o.b all week, saying the jobs were Guy’s way of “earning†the win here tonight. I’ll go along with that just because it’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard all week and I’m in a good mood. It’s a travesty of justice that Some Other Guy is even involved here when the spot in this match should go to HHH.
Some Other Guy won but it was with help from Vince. In retrospect I should have known Vince would get involved, but of course hindsight is 50/50 (even though I did lay 2-1 odds, I was hoping for the best). Another strong match, surprisingly Guy hit everything right on the money. Eric, say what you want but Flex is main event through and through. Unfortunately,(or great, depending on your point of view) Rock ends up on the South side of the street. Some Other Guy wins to continue to Unification City.
Ah yes, the wild card HHH. Yep, he’s gonna return. But on which side? Common logic here sez HHH comes back as a heel and costs Austin the Unified glory. This would segue nicely into H vs. Austin, culminating at Wrestlemania. Whether that happens or not remains to be seen. Only problem is that means Some Other Guy would be the Unified Champion and the thought of that makes me sick. Oh well .Vince owns everything and it’s not like this really means anything anymore.
Some Other guy beats Austin with help from everyone and a brother. Booker CLOCKED Stone Cold to give Guy the win. Ref bump, Vince runs in, Nick Patrick runs in, Angle runs in, Flair runs in (but doesn’t blade Whooo? No BOOO!!!!) so Other Guy is the Undisputed Champeen. At least until tomorrow night. And where was HHH? Why am I seeing the ads on the replay? Maybe I should start a rhetorical question portion of this column? Fuck it lets see how the odds evened out
It’s too bad that we can’t gamble on this shit. If I was a betting man (which I am) and if odds were available and bets were allowed to be placed (which they aren’t cause it’s FAKE – try calling your local bookie and try to place a bet on a RAW match. The sound you hear is pasta coming out a man’s nose from the laughter), I could have a field day with this. Bummer. At any rate,I’ll put some odds on this, just for shits and giggles:
· Austin: 3-1.
· Rock: 4-1
· Angle: 12-1
· Some Other Guy (the one in the match, not a run in): 6-5
· Vince getting involved: 2-1
· HHH showing up: 1-2 (before you write, that’s better than even money, kids)
No matter what happens, all of these matches should be top-notch affairs which, as a wrestling fan, works just fine for me. I’m rooting for Austin because that’s just the way it should be.
I pegged Some Other Guy as the favorite (he won) Vince did a run in (shitty odds but you would have made out ok.) but no HHH. And to think, I made him BETTER than even money to show. Goes to show ya: Don’t believe commercials, promos or the net. Believe JR!
Undertaker vs. Rob Van Dam
This should be fun. Undertaker always looks good when he’s got someone flying around for him. RVD’s style is fun as hell to watch and I hope these guys get about 20 minutes. Look for RVD to do the job on PPV just because that’s the UT’s new gimmick: Respect = jobbing. Didn’t you read the Torch this week? Or Scherer? For shame.
Great match. UT played his part, RVD did his part and the styles meshed perfectly. Good old fashioned brawl, big bumps and a decisive ending (UT chokeslams RVD OFF the stage and through some tables!!!). Lived up to my expectations and I look forward to the rematch.
Tag Team Championship The Dudleyz vs. Big Show and Kane
This one will be a “go make some more wings†match. I wish they would take the reigns of the Duds and just let them be mass murderers again. I watched their “Best of ECW†DVD this week and goddamn were they evil. As far as Big Show and Kane, they should put up a good fight but I don’t see any reason for them to win. Match should be decent enough, with some table violence and Stacey’s legs as the main attraction.
In lieu of wings, it was BBQ tonight. No big deal and I was glad I sat through this. Good time tag team match with everything making sense as far as flow of the match. Show laid the ole spankin to Stacey, who has the dubious tasks of trying to explain a king size handprint to whoever she is showing her ass to nowadays. Hopefully they saw the PPV or else they may be a little hostile. Kane and Show have some disagreements and Dudz get the win. No tables, but good enough for me.
Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy with Special guest Lita!
I’m hearing that Matt and Jeff will turn on Lita and become gay lovers, incest style with Mike Sanders as their manager “The Colonel†(“Finger – lickin good are MY boyz!â€Â) Smell the RATINGS! Of course my sources could be wrong. Look for Jeff to do something really f*cking stupid (as per his contract) but somehow pull out the win. I think it would be perfect to turn LITA heel and have her f*ck Jeff up with a chair or ladder or something, but that may or may not happen.
Ummmm .yeah. Jeff wins when Lita is looking the other way and fails to see Matt’s leg in the ropes. Nuff said. Good shit happening but (quite frankly) this bored me to death. I have a hard time seeing Jeff sell shit anymore when he WON’T sell when he kills himself. Look for this story to continue. Fine by me.
Intercontinental Championship – Edge vs. William Regal
Ugh. I like ‘em both but do not have high hopes for this match. How much longer can Regal stink up PPV and TV with shitty 3-4 minute matches and still be called one of the top workers in the world? We might just find out as Regal should will get his payback for kissing ass and take the gold from Edge. Hopefully this one will get time as even if the crowd falls asleep, proper positioning on the card betwix an Austin match and a Rock – E match should keep this from killing the show.
Out of everything this weekend the above statement led to the most feedback, oddly enough. Allow me to explain
I think Regal is awesome WHEN he gets the time and the right opponent. I love seeing him beat the shit/get the shit beaten out of him but it has to be set up right. 3 people can work with Regal and make it work: Fit Finley, Benoit and Foley. They ain’t here. Most of the people are scared shitless to get stiffed by the guy and it shows. His pulled punches look like dogshit and besides Tajiri, no one really stiffs him back. Add this to a match that only goes 2-3 minutes and YUCK with a capital S.H.I.T.! But tonight, Regal and Edge get a TON of time and let’s see what happens .
Nope, Edge won’t let Regal connect with the stiffneticity. Not to sound all smaty-pants here but the heel can’t get heat UNLESS the crowd believes the face is in .ummmm PERIL!!!~ Which did not happen here. Too bad. I like Edge as well, but this was like apples and oranges. Edge wins with the fluke rollup from nowhere after getting in practically no offense all match. Weird.
Women’s Championship – Trish vs. Jackie
No gimmick? Why do they train us for this stuff and then go and give us a regular match? Oh well. I’m on Trish’s side just cause she hosts EXCESS and that is my favorite show. So there.
Man, I was hoping to see some stiff shit from Regal, but these girls must have stolen his play book. Jackie kicked Trish so hard one time, I cringed seeing the slow-mo replay. Jeez. Of course this match will probably get panned but people who know stuff but I thought I was cool. Right amount of time and some unexpected brutality. Besides, Trish is my new babe as we have something in common: EXCESS!!!
Other matches may or may not be made / take place on Heat. Only one way to find out. Watch!
Scotty Worm and Fat (PHAT) Albert won vs. Test and Christian. Good Enough
This should be a damn good show and finish the year out quite nicely. Remember, we have a big shakeup coming in January and be on the lookout tomorrow for a dude with big muscles and a huge nose. His face ain’t on the posters for nothing, folks.
Fuck the advertisers and their HHH swerve . The show was great this evening and I highly recommend checking it out on replay if you did not see it tonight. WWF Webcast does the trick too, provided you have a cable modem. If you have Direct TV and no better offer, go the Webcast route, you will like it. Just make sure you use the dish that you paid for as an extra punch bowl at Christmas time.
HAVE YOU HEARD?
The only other news tonight is something I SAW FIRST HAND AND MARKED OUT TO! Shawn Michaels, aka HBK will be returning to WWF TV on EXCESS next week. I’m there dude! And not just cause I have to be. (I’m not your boy toy I’m just a sexy boy).
OK, some prognostication. HBK returns with Hall, Nash and X-pac with the Clique. Fuck the Horseman, this is the heel group from hell. You heard it here first. I think.
ANOTHER WEEK OF THIS CRAP
The WWF is California Dreamin for RAW and Smackdown. The WWF is in the land of fruits and nuts. Appropriate if you ask me. Maybe HHH will return and be able to explain why he was on posters and did promos for a PPV that didn’t include him. Remains to be seen.
THE LINKS ARE ON ME
EXCESS was some good shit this week. My report, not the show. Check it out and go back and read Saturday Evening Post if you have not already done so.
Carlos has the latest on Heat, I think. I didn’t check
Something I do know is that Pat Brower kept his menacing teaser in his pants and he is JAKKED for your pleasure
The Independent scene lives on for those of you bored with the current WWF monopolized product. Josh Nason gives you the dilly right here.
I must have been taken off the mailing list. The Rasslin Roundtable did indeed take place. Go see if the people behind the words you worship know shit. I breezed through it and determined one thing
WIDRO IS GOD!!!!
Netcop will check in with the PPV recap, I think. Not sure how this syndication stuff works, quite honestly.
It’s Eric and Grut for the news until next weekend. One of them you love and one you hate with a passion. I’ve seen writings that support both of them and writings that want to stick a fork in each of their respective eyeballs. I like ‘em both but be nice, kids. Eric hates all of you and really could not give a shit less but Grut is a really nice kid. Ease up on him.
PAGE SIX
Goddamn. I love when PPVs are on. Makes life simple. To celebrate I will forgo your education this week and give you treat from way way way way back in the archives. It’s a little dated but it was one of the best things I ever read on the net. This will be Part One. Come back next week for the rest.
I will not identify who wrote this but if you have been around long enough, you know
A couple clues (and each do not relate to the other):
1) It ain’t him he’s dead
2) It damn sure ain’t HIM I would not lower myself to that level
3) Yes it is him, once upon a time at least 3 of us will know this is oops make that 5.
TAKE US HOME, BIG DADDY WHO!
The Critique Of Poor Wrestling
This may not impress very many of you, but I’ve been saving up this column title for a damned long time. The learned among you will realize I’m ripping off the title of Immanuel Kant’s masterwork, The Critique of Pure Reason. The rest of you will take solace in the fact that the similarities between this column and that work will end there. Unless I get really hard-pressed for material later on and have to recount the tale of the guy milking a he-goat while his accomplice holds a sieve underneath… but that’s neither here nor there.
Anyway, this column title occurred to me about a year ago, and I thought it was the most clever thing in the world… and I don’t genuinely amuse myself like that very often. So while Rocky Maivia’s creation of the phrase “testicular fortitude” has easily surpassed “Critique of Poor Wrestling” in terms in cleverness, that doesn’t take away from the fact that I was waiting for exactly the right time to spring this column on y’all.
I needed to wait until there was something truly wrong in the wrestling world. Until something so totally offensive to the sensibility was being perpetrated on fans. Until blame could be placed and no dissenting view could be raised. Until I could point to specific problems, and illustrate my points with stellar examples. In other words, I just had to wait until WCW really starting pissing me off again.
Last week’s column was a start… and it kind of got my wheels greased to delve deeper. Or at least, to delve again. But that column was spawned more by my disbelief that WCW could bobble an opportunity to blow fans away with a live, pre-PPV Nitro while RAW was taped. Now, my disbelief is muted. Two more weeks have gone by, and with the same basic result. This wasn’t a one-time bobble, this is a bona fide rut, my friends.
I mean, look at WCW’s resources:
How is this company NOT kicking ass? The answer: very easily, apparently.
They’ve got a decades worth of main eventers (and a number of the biggest creations of the 90’s, too, like Kevin Nash and the Giant), but they all seem content to live in the past and do their thing while Steve Austin has created himself as the current top dog in the industry.
They’ve got all the great foreign talent a company could want, thanks to co-promotional deals with companies in Mexico and Japan. But when they import the guys, they send ’em out in meaningless matches and do nothing to promote them.
The Power Plant has turned out Bill Goldberg, and not much else. And let’s face it, Goldberg is over more because of his size and charisma than because of his skill. Other than that, the best thing you could say about the Power Plant is that it’s provided Dallas Page with a place to hone his skills. The WWF has no full-time training facility, but has succeeded in spotting, hiring, training, and promoting young talent in a way that should embarrass WCW; Val Venis and the Edge are just the current examples of young newcomers who seem to be working out. There are more in the pipeline.
And with the media abilities and money to get guys like Dennis Rodman, Karl Malone, and Kevin Greene locked into special appearance deals, you’d think that at this would be one “fool proof” area for WCW. Guess again. Having the money to sign these guys is one thing. Using them in a way that captures the fans’ imagination is another. The fans don’t get enough credit… they can see through non-wrestlers if it isn’t done right. Mainstream attention is all well and good… but is WCW getting responses like “Hey look, there’s Rodman and Malone,” or is the company getting the more-desirable responses like “I can’t wait to pay money to see Rodman and Malone fight”? Methinks it’s more the former than the latter. For a case of a non-wrestler used correctly, witness Mike Tyson earlier this year. It helps that he’s a fighter by trade — which makes his participation somehow more appropriate — but the promotion and creativity of the storylines utilizing him were steps above the use of Malone and Rodman in WCW.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg… four nice little bullet points just starts to cover the things that I could rage about. Each one could be a column in and of itself. But at this point, it’s time to move past the cursory issues and accompanying examples to what I believe is the crux of the matter. To the true thesis of this particular “critique.”
This is something I’ve been mulling over since early April, or whenever it was that Hulk Hogan regained the WCW Title. It’s something that a number of readers have been sharp enough to notice, as well, in e-mails I’ve received. Let me work my way up to it…
PART 2 NEXT WEEK!
Thanks for reading THE MONDAY EDITION, I’m Flea.
