Sorry I skipped last week, for anyone who noticed. It was the end of my scholastic semester, and everything was due on Monday. This had to take the hit. I could have checked in with a single page, blow-off article, but I would have felt guilty.
Have you ever tried to explain professional wrestling to someone who doesn’t understand? My girlfriends started watching with me a few months ago, and really dug Kurt Angle because he was the only one who tried to play fair. Now, he runs and acts like a little bitch. How do you explain this?
Did anyone else read about the record industry now getting after cell phone companies for using pieces of songs as Midi ringing tones for phones? I find that incredibly amusing and sad on some level. There’s a fine line between artists getting what they deserve and just blatant greed. They stepped over that line a while ago. My pager had this ability two years ago, you just had to program the tune yourself. Now, since it’s easier, WE NEED TO STOP IT!!!!! My girlfriend’s phone plays Mozart. I wonder if they’ll get after that, too.
My take on Joe Rivett’s take on ECW: The ECW thing sucked because they tried to put them into the “Alliance.” Had ECW been a third, underdog faction, they may have gotten a LOT more support than a group of jobbers who were never on television anyway. A good number of the ECW guys already had some fans. The Dudleys, Tazz, Raven, and some others weren’t nobodies. People knew them. Homogonizing them with the Alliance is what made them less special because, for the most part, the entire Alliance team was WCW jobbers. At least there were SOME names in the ECW side. Had it been a small splinter group, led by Paul E, it would have been a helluva better story than “ECW is Stephanie’s now, because we need something for her to do.”
Moving on:
We’ll start with Vengeance this week, since I skipped it last week.
Rewind Vengeance
I don’t like the WWF’s new game where PPV’s are becoming extended versions of Raw, with interviews and “backstage fun.” PPV’s are supposed to be something better than the cable shows because, theoretically, people are paying for them. I just long for the day everyone realizes that nothing good has happened on PPV since Wrestlemania 14 and stop buying them… so everything special happens on something Clash of the Champions-ish.
Anyway, Vince leads off the PAYPERVIEW with a 10 minute interview about how he really didn’t kiss the Rock’s ass, or something. Flair reminds him that yes, he did, and this is a PPV, and thus we will bring out the first match. Flair ownz.
It’s a good thing they broke Christian out of a successful tag team with Edge so they could stick him in a tag team with Test. First match was useless garbage that could have just as easily gone off on Heat.
Edge defended the Unified US/IC title, which is now just the IC title again, against William Regal. Regal’s new finisher is hitting people with brass knuckles, which is kind of cool. The only annoying part is hearing JR say every damn time, HE’S GOT THOSE KNUCKS about 73 times. I don’t know what the point of them is if he’s never going to win while using them. I was waiting for the finish where Edge wins, but the ref finds the Knucks and therefore, DQ’s the guy who won. I enjoy that.
Matt vs Jeff Hardy was way too technical a match for what I was expecting. I understand these two don’t want to kill each other, but they’ve, unfortunately, set the bar on their matches as high-flying encounters of possible death. When they move into armbars and leg-locks, they lose the interest of those watching. Besides the point, it shows that they’ve always been tag team wrestlers. Jeff won after a swanton, but Matt’s leg was on the rope, which our special guest referee, Lita, did not see. Also, Jeff hooked his leg off the ropes, so he knew it was on the ropes, but ignored it. Who’s the heel here?
The Dudleys kept the tag-titles when The Big Red Show couldn’t get along. This match was rather horrible.
Van Dam and the Undertaker had one hell of a hardcore match. It ended with RVD getting chokeslammed off the stage and through two tables. After the match, Taker gave RVD an almost frightened look. Hopefully, that means this feud isn’t over. Taker’s new haircut gave him hardcore powers.
Test hits on Trish because, you know, he can’t be fired.
Every single one of the title tournament matches were excellent. Austin beat Angle and Jericho beat the Rock to set up the Austin/Jericho finals. In a good bit, Austin’s music hit not 5 seconds after Jericho pinned the Rock and immediately came down for the next match. Jericho busted out the “C’MON BABY!” cover, which was nice to see again. The only thing I didn’t like was the fact that Austin and Angle got to go to a clean finish, because it was Austin beating Angle, so that was all good… but Jericho vs Rock had to default to Vince running out and distracting the Rock. I understand the concept of the “bitch” heel rather than the HHH “badass” heel, but they do have to win every once in a while.
The main event match wouldn’t be that once in a while either, as half the WWF had to come out before Jericho could pin Austin. Two or three different ref bumps, both the companies owners, and Booker F’n T. But, Jericho became the first ever, WCW/WWF Unified champion, which is something to be said for him. They went with a direction no one expected, and it gave us that something new we’ve been looking for. I was happy with the outcome, and the three great title matches made the whole PPV worth while. The undercard sucked the hard one, though.
Raw Rewind
So, now this week in wrestling. Flair came out to award Jericho the belts. Jericho came out and gave exactly the type of speech I was hoping for. He said no one believed he could do it, and he had to depend on one person. Himself. As soon as he stopped caring about entertaining us idiots, look at where it got him. The Undisputed, Unified world champion. He suggests Ric Flair refer to him as Mr Jericho. I would suggest Flair refer to me as Tom by-god Daniels WHOOOOOOOO. But that’s just me. Flair sets up a cage match for later in the night, Jericho vs Austin.
Taker vs Spike Dudley. Uh… why? What was the point with wasting our time with this. This is what Nitro always did for the last two years of their existance. Give us ridulous squash matches in which we always know who’s going win.
Vince and Booker T have formed an Alliance of Death ((Booker V?)). They hang out together in the arena’s skybox and have FUNNY backstage skits where they eat and drink stuff. It would be funny if they didn’t do it at the end of every damn segment.
Lance Storm started begging Ric Flair. He got the line of the week. “I’ve always been a big fan… you know ‘wooo?'” It’s not as funny in print, but it had me laughing hysterically.
Rikishi and Kurt Angle are feuding now. Angle took a countout loss when Rikishi starting kicking his ass. Rikishi started dancing to celebrate the victory, and Angle attacked him with a chair. Expect to find out Rikishi was injured in the vicious attack and will be out for the next couple of months.
Rock and Trish were unable to defeat the Dudleys for the tag team titles, which baffles me considering Rock can beat them alone most of the time. The second “handicap” match of the night had Jeff Hardy and Lita vs Matt Hardy. Matt won on a roll-up on Lita. Supposedly, this was supposed to be a heelish act. I don’t know why. She was a legal entrant in the match… and the legal wrestler in. Therefore, if he wanted to win the match, he had to pin her. Before this match, Matt called it quits with both Jeff and Lita.
Storm had to wrestle Big Show for a job. Flair said he couldn’t have one. Rather than just ask Vince, he begged for a match. Big show killed him in less than three minutes. This is heretofore known as the “Tazz Push.” It’s where you’re on TV constantly, but don’t get any matches longer than two minutes, and you get mauled in them.
I don’t get the WWF Marketing folks. A Creed song, which is kind of heavy and was titled “Sacrifice” is a cool way to make the wrestlers look like they’re working hard and giving stuff up. U2’s “Beautiful Day” just makes H seem so… I dunno… gay?
Jericho and Austin had a cage match. It wasn’t a particularly good cage match, but it was a cage match. This was pretty much the same as any other cage match in the last 20 years, which would see the heel running like a bitch, the face beating the hell out of the heel, and decided not to escape, but continue the beating. Then, someone runs in and keeps the face from escaping so the heel can escape instead.
All in all, Raw was pretty boring.
Smackdown Rewind
Jeff Hardy had the line of the night when he asked Test “If you like intimidating women so much, why not try intimidating me?” I leave it for the reader to decide the context of the segment. See if you can figure it out. I bet you come up with at least three different scenarios. There would be quite an “Explain THAT!?!?!” somewhere in this line.
The Light Heavyweight title has become the Cruiserweight title, and Tajiri successfully defended it against Crash Holly. Crash got the Little Guido, baseball slide from the Tree of Woe thing. If you’ve never seen it, watch Tajiri. It makes me cringe every time I see it. Post-match, Crash attacks Torrie, but it’s the HURRICANE!!!! Hurricane saves Torrie.
Lance Storm has a problem because Flair hired Hurricane back and not him. Flair gives Storm one more chance… but ((wait for it)) he has to beat Kane instead of the Big Show. The Tazz Push continues.
Test’s new thing is beating up Dave Hebner… because he can’t get fired for the next year. You know, there’s so much they could be doing with this… and it’s a lot more than sexually harassing every yak in the federation and beating up referees. How about taking out your opponents with lead pipes? How about getting yourself suspended and then showing up anyway because “what are you going to do, fire me?” Bah.
To drive the final nail into Albert’s semi-coolness, he’s now in a tag team called the “Zoo Crew” and he’s the “Hip-Hop Hippo.” What happens when you have a bunch of old guys trying to figure out what’s cool? Stuff like this.
Does anyone remember what Rikishi was doing when he left with an injury in January? No? Neither does the WWF… and that’s the way they like it. The whole running over Austin with a car thing was SO last year.
Booker and Austin had a showdown in a supermarket. I wish it was the supermarket I worked in. Having a wrestling segment filmed where I work would make it bearable for the four more months that I have to work there. The whole segment was pretty much Austin owning Booker. Book got one superkick. That was all.
In the main-event (no, the supermarket showdown was surprising NOT the main event) it was one of those tag team matches that really do nothing for me, but it did see RVD pinning Chris Jericho in the finish. Hopefully, this leads to some Van Dam/Jericho matches, or even a full feud. Either way, I’d be a happy camper. Unfortunately, Jericho already has to deal with Austin and probably the Rock.
The Week in Wrestling
The stuff with the Hardys needs to resolve itself quickly. They’re being revealed as bad, bad actors. Jeff Hardy can’t be intimidating period. He dyes his hair more than a bleached blonde and paints his fingernails. No one is buying him as a badass period. Not to mention the fact it seems like you have Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel doing the threatening. This is the only reason I never see Jeff Hardy reaching the level of a Shawn Michaels, an Austin, or even a Chris Jericho. It’s tough to entertain when most of the country is more willing to laugh at your accent. Not to mention that it’s tough to buy into a gay badass. I’m sure there are gay badasses out there, and I’m sure there’s plenty of gay people who could kick my ass soundly, but Jeff Hardy doesn’t come off as one of them.
I don’t enjoy Austin being more unstoppable than he used to be. Jericho couldn’t touch him, Booker T couldn’t touch him I guess they want the Austin back that made them ridiculous amounts of cash over the last few years. Can’t blame them for it. He is completely reverted to Austin of Yore though. Nothing is different, except they added “What?â€Â
Rob Van Dam looks to be in line for a title shot. I’m kind of curious to see if they plan to follow through with him this time, or if he’ll quietly fade back into the hardcore scene. The feud with the Undertaker is fun, but he did get a pin on the World Champion. It’s tough to predict what the WWF is going to do, because they see no need to follow any sort of logical progression. In most realities, a pin on the World Champion would lead to a match but the WWF may not feel the need to ever mention it again.
I like the fact that they’re reworking WCW wrestlers into the television show, but why is Vince just allowing Flair to hire all these people. Yes, Flair is a fifty-percent owner, but couldn’t Vince just Veto the hiring of all the ex Alliance guys? If he can, why isn’t he? He’s also on really cool terms with Booker T all of the sudden, considering he’s a guy who was trying to run him out of business not too long ago. I don’t enjoy seeing Booker T in another program with Austin if he’s just going to be Austin’s bitch again. Booker is better than that. I’d rather them just bring back Stevie Ray and Harlem Heat than watch Booker just be Jobbin T. Besides, then Stevie could introduce the term “yak†to a whole new group of people.
It’s really going to piss them off if they manage to get The Hurricane really over because then they’ll have to do stuff with him. Wouldn’t it be fun to see a heavily-gimmicked world champion? I’d find it incredibly amusing, myself.
Tazz actually got a win this week. Hopefully, they don’t make him part of the Zoo Crew. I don’t want to see Tazz dancing around like a retard. I really, really don’t. But then, they seem to do everything with Tazz that I don’t like, so more power to them.
That’ll do it for this week. Hopefully, by next week, I’ll be able to settle into a normal format with this column again, as I’ll actually be watching the shows, and not recapping so much from recaps. I watched the shows in the background this week as I was getting work done.
Till Then:
End Transmission
