A Wrestling News Report 12.20.01

Archive

Heya hiya howsya doing? I’m Joshua Grut, and I write the news two days a week as well as a FICTION column. That’s a FICTION column for all of you geniuses who read I Killed Owen Hart and think that I’m a member of the PTC who dreams about Owen dying every night. Apparently you missed the top of the story where I wrote that THIS IS A FICTION COLUMN. However, to misquote Anya, “I’m sorry he’s dead because he was nice and now we’re all sad.”

I finished my last paper and I’m going to see Lord of the Rings. I never read any of the books. I don’t know a hobbit from a swumgle or whatever. Truth be known, I don’t read very much science fiction. It just doesn’t do much for me. Between this, school, television, non fiction books, fiction books, having a social life and masturbation, I’m pretty much booked solid. Still, the movie got great reviews and now that school is done, maybe I can make some time to read the web cliff notes version. NOTE: Just got back from Lord of the Rings. It was long and the fight scenes were cool. The plot seemed pretty redundant. It was Willow if Willow had a 160 million dollar budget. You don’t need to tell me that Willow was a rip off of the books

Oh, and I have a theory. It’s really dumb, but it’s been nagging me and I think it’s going to come to fruition. Or maybe not, who knows? Who really cares? Anyway, I don’t think that Jericho is going to lose his title before Wrestlemania. I think that the Rock and Austin might fight at Wrestlemania, but it will not be for the WWF title. Because the Rock or Austin have been in the main event for years and it’s someone else’s turn, Jericho will defend and lose the title to HHH.

Now watch me look like an ass. Ah, screw it. It’s not a big deal. This isn’t a guarantee. Screw off, mark boy.

News!!!

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

WWF magazine made their yearly cryptic predictions. I think that all of jokes, no matter how inside they are, about Droz and the Dynamite Kid and their tag team are inappropriate.

I read USA Today on the train today and Foley and Chyna had the number 3 and 4 best selling books this year, respectively. Hey, they’re going to be just fine without the WWF’s giant promotional machine working overtime to get that tripe over. Yeah, Foley is Good was tripe.

Raw got a 4.0. Behind his back, all fingers point to Vince. To his face, it’s the failed Y2J ‘experiment’.

Mad TV got a 3.8 with HHH, making it the highest rated Mad TV of the season. HHH has decided not to return to wrestling and will become a full time cast member of Mad TV. He’ll repeat that he is the game and that damn good 15-30 times each show. Slamwrestling.com

Jim Ross doesn’t think RVD has the full package yet. Yet they push Test to the friggin moon. LISTEN TO THE AUDIENCE! SCREW YOUR FAT ASS! THE AUDIENCE LOVES THE GUY! HE’S THE GUY! HE GAVE UT HIS FIRST PASSABLE MATCH IN YEARS! SHUT UP JIM, YOU GLASS CEILING PROTECTOR! I love you. Please give me a job. I’m creative.

Junk News. Hozzoo.

MARK HENRY TAKING HIATUS. No one cares. No one. Except for

411 Weekly Parody: Pat Brower

Mark Henry is going to lift weights for three months and come back as fat as he once was to the indies. This so should have been junk news. Here with a further report is Pat Brower.

Thanks Josh! Hey, Josh, did you watch JAKKED this week?

Um, no, I must’ve missed it Pat.

Hey, that’s okay. Watching JAKKED is MY job. YOU are just supposed to READ about it.

Oh, okay. Sorry.

Hey, it’s cool. Did you READ my report this week?

The Jakked report?

No, the JAKKED report.

Oh, it was my finals week. I’m sorry.

You didn’t READ MY report? Do you KNOW why I WRITE the report?

For fun? I mostly write my column and the news for fu

For FUN? NO! It is so PEOPLE will KNOW what happened on JAKKED! You don’t KNOW! How am I supposed TO continue writing a JAKKED REPORT if NO one will READ it?

I am so sorry, but we’re a little low on time. Mark Henry?

Oh yeah. Mark Henry went out for a bit. He’s competing in a lifting competition. He’ll be back and then to the WWF and then back to JAKKED!

Thank you

READ my COLUMN! That way you DON’T have to WATCH JAKKED!

Thank you Pat Brower.

Is that it? If there’s more, I’ll get it tomorrow .

SMACKDOWN: THE REBIRTH OF THE WWF

Let me explain. Vince McMahon has finally realized that his current cast of characters just isn’t keeping the fans interest. Ratings have dipped and dipped low. Vince wanted to see what bringing in Ric Flair would do, but because he insisted on giving his own ass more air time then Flair it didn’t work.

McMahon has come to a crossroads and made a decision. He realizes the direction his company needs to go in and is putting it in one man’s hands. This Thursday on Smackdown during the main event a member of a once elite stable, a man who changed Hell in the Cell forever with the Undertaker returns to the WWF. The message from Vince is clear; the ball is in this man’s court. I don’t want to spoil the surprise too much, but it’s going to be a heart breaking hard time for his opponents to ever measure up to this myth, this legend, this man. I don’t think that any other preview is necessary. Watch the show. Watch the WWF’s finest hour.

If you’ve already read the spoilers, feel free to email me so we can discuss this earth shattering moment before it happens.

A SINGLE PLUG

Ask 411.

ME AND WIDRO

VPJG: Hey Boss! What’s up?

Widro: who are you again?

VPJG: Grut. My name is Grut. I write for the website.

Widro: you do the indy reports, right?

VPJG: Yeah, right you big kidder! Anyway, I was wondering about that t-shirt thing?

Widro: ok, i’ll give you the scoop… we are going to have 411 t-shirts!

VPJG: Well, DUH!!!! Ha! Lol. Anyway, I have an idea for the logo.

VPJG: Widro on one side of the shirt.

Widro: i hope it’s good, you should see some of the entries…

VPJG: Grut on the other side!

VPJG: And then on the other side of the shirt, GRIDRO!

Widro: we are making shirts people want to buy.

VPJG: Who wouldn’t want a three sided Gridro shirt?

VPJG: Wouldn’t you?

VPJG: I mean, you would. Right?

VPJG: I know I would.

VPJG: Widro?

Widro: sorry distracted

Widro: well of course I would

Widro: but we need to sell shirts to more than just me and you

VPJG: By what? By who? Keith? It was Keith, wasn’t it?

Widro: it was benovitz, if you must know

VPJG: Really. Oh. Well, that’s nice.

VPJG: I guess you can have a shirt with a big tornado on it!

VPJG: Everyone would want one of those!

Widro: probably, tornado ddt is a sensation.

VPJG: Nobody would want a fiction column shirt. Maybe the numbers one through ten could be swept up in a big tornado and everyone will cheer and buy the shirt!

Widro: yeah a fiction shirt would be gay.

VPJG: And Grut will continue to work and work but will Grut’s name ever appear on a shirt? probably one day, but not a 411 shirt!

Widro: if we made 411 jerseys, you could special order Grut on the back with some random number like 19.

VPJG: And that’s fine. Whatever is best for the company, that’s what I say.

Widro: when did you ever say that?

VPJG: I say it all the time. I’ve been told I say it in my sleep.

Widro: you might have, i rarely remember taking to you after you sign off.

VPJG: Well, that’s your loss. Look, I need to go. The Rick IMed me, maybe he has a t-shirt for the Grut to be on.

Widro: good luck with that.

VPJG: Goodbye, WEIRDO! HAHAHAHA! Lol.

Widro: goodbye gardner.

Because I am Joshua Grut and you are not! RIP!