Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 12.19.01


I ask one favor of the reader: to permit me not to feel revulsion for these people who so basely allowed themselves to be destroyed. – Tacitus

No, that has nothing to do with September 11th. Tacitus was speaking about the reign of Nero. No one in the Bush Administration is as fun as Nero…oh, hell, why bother? A good portion of the people reading this are wondering why I’m talking about a CD burning program. Okay, it’s a great CD burning program, but even so…

Here’s a hint for all you would-be writers: never catch three hours of sleep, wake up, and start a column. You tend to go off on weird tangents like that one. Time to start the festivities in earnest on this lovely Wednesday…


Memo to Letawsky: Apology accepted. BTW, I own a Ford Windstar, not a Volvo. Buy American. And never try to do HTML in Word unless you’re using it to convert to a web page to see how it scans.

Cole has his year-end awards in his International section completed and is willing to share those with us. And, naturally, the people everyone turns to for stuff regarding Raw, PK and Scott Keith, who goes off on a ramble this week that makes me look concise and coherent.


All God’s children got an uvula! – Barney Fife

Here’s a Get Well and Get Better to my pal BFM, who had a little laser surgery done on said body part above on Tuesday to get rid of a slight problem he had with it. Is is true that Maria asked the doctor “Can you sever the vocal chords while you’re at it?” The lucky bastard got T3s. I used to wash those suckers down with JD; greatest cheap high I ever experienced, and you always had a quick hangover cure on hand. This, of course, is not a recommendation to mix narcotics with alcohol…actually, it is. Do it at your own risk.


Cleveland Part Two almost happened Monday night in New Orleans, when a Saints pass interference call in the end zone triggered the Bottle Shower. Fortunately, the NFL’s head of security was on hand for Super Bowl prep, and the rest of the security force was right on it. Thirteen arrests, another fifteen ejections, and less than a minute of disruption. Jim Haslett also had the balls to call the fans out on their behavior, unlike the weasel Carmen Policy, who backed out of his pro-hooligan statements of Sunday during a Monday press conference. Good job all around to stop what might have become a trend. Wish that someone in WWF security thought of doing this before “What?” caught on.

That being said, I find that it’s a little more forgivable this time around. This is, after all, New Orleans, a city that turned drunk and disorderly into an art form. If anything, this was low-key for Nawlins, just a little taste to get it through the awkward period between Southern Decadence and Mardi Gras, necessary with the prospect of a less-fun-than-normal Super Bowl due to the aforementioned heightened security. Oh, well, c’est la vie say the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell.


Sad news from the world of entertainment, as Tom Green and Drew Barrymore are getting divorced. You would have thought that they were the perfect couple, what with both being self-absorbed morons with histories of substance abuse and marginal talent at best. It’s a sorrowful day when America’s favorite white trash couple can’t keep it going. What chance do the rest of us have with relationships? It was also announced that Joan Collins will be marrying a himbo thirty-two years younger than she is. That kinda gives me a little hope. Joanna Lumley is only twenty years older than I am, after all…


Well, the “Free Mumia” crowd didn’t get what it wanted, and the death penalty proponents didn’t get what they wanted either. However, with the doubt surrounding Mumia Abu-Jamal and whether or not he actually shot Officer Daniel Faulkner (and the question of how circumstancial does circumstancial evidence have to be, especially in a death penalty case), the decision to commute his execution and get another sentencing hearing going is a good one. If he is guilty, he’ll pay. If not, an innocent man didn’t die. There’s been too many mistakes in death penalty cases since 1979, and this is one of the most important and most fraught decisions in the judicial system. You can’t take this kind of mistake back. Let’s see what the revised sentencing hearing says before calling this a travesty of justice in either direction.


Sports Illustrated’s released their Top Ten Sports Stories of 2001, so I decided to throw them to you to argue about. Obviously, I think that Number One is navel-gazing claptrap, but you’ve heard it from me before, so I’ll just get on with it:

10) Arizona wins the World Series

9) Jennifer Capriati’s comeback

8) Lance Armstrong’s three-peat at the Tour de France

7) The burgeoning Lakers dynasty

6) Tiger Woods wins the Masters and his fourth straight major

5) The spate of deaths among football players in training camps, both pro and college

4) Death of Dale Earnhardt

3) Michael’s comeback

2) Barry Bonds’ 73

1) Aftermath of September 11th

Don’t complain to me, complain to SI.


From the aforementioned Nawlins via Rajah and Mike E. No plastic beer bottles involved, though.

Flair traps Booker into something when Booker signs his new employment contract without benefit of legal assistance. Presumably he’s signing for a Redneck Goes Over Match.

Edge over Kurt Angle (DQ, low-blow): I wouldn’t mind a feud between these two guys. Good promoers, good wrestlers. It won’t happen, but it’d be nice. Besides, Edge has a nice feud in progress right now.

It’s confirmed: Booker versus Austin in a Redneck Goes Over Match, aka First Blood, later tonight. Afterward, Flex gets extended mic time and does his version of the Twelve Days of Christmas, making me hate the holidays even more than I normally do. Him and Test later tonight, BTW.

Lance Storm over Rikishi (Pinfall, savate kick): Test interferes decisively on behalf of his fellow Canadian yet again. But it’s actually a pretty clean win for Lance, and that’s nice to see.

Booker and Kane have a Hallmark Moment backstage discussing First Blood matches, while Matt Hardy gets an interview spot (PAISLEY ALERT!) and demonstrates what a pussy he is by crying over what happened to poor Jeff and poor Lita at UT’s hands on Raw. Now it’s time to go out and prove said pussy hypothesis…

The Undertaker over Matt Hardy, Hardcore Championship Match (Pinfall, Last Ride): Yet another brutalization, yet another stretcher job, as Matt practices for his day job as prison bitch.

It’s Jericho and Van Dam at center ring with some fun and games, which ends with Jericho on the wrong end of a FSFS. Jericho then decides to do the wrong thing yet again: complain to Flair about his treatment at Van Dam’s hands. So Flair does what anyone in his position would: Book Jericho to defend his title against TBS.

Chris Jericho over The Big Show, Undisputed Title Match (Pinfall, belt shot): Which belt was used was, regrettably, not mentioned.

It’s Regal from home, recovering from “seven hours of surgery”, and he has some very un-holiday-like greetings for Edge.

Flex over Test (Pinfall, uranage): The bitch no-sells Storm’s savate kick (remember, the one that put friggin’ Rikishi away earlier tonight) when Lance comes out to repay Test. Enough said. YOU DON’T NO-SELL LANCE STORM’S MOVES, DAMMIT!

Booker and Vince get a Christmas present: a medical kit. Actually, that’s a very practical and handy Christmas present. Having driven in Germany, where it’s the law to have a medical kit in your car, I appreciate having one. God knows when you’re going to need a bandage or something.

Booker T over Steve Austin, First Blood Match (You’ll never believe who interferes with a chair to open up Austin): Let me just give you a clue as to the ident: no, not him. We don’t want to see him again. I mean, I like the guy, and he’s a guilty pleasure of mine, but I really don’t want him on WWF television again.

Austin gets his back during the off-camera, send-everyone-home-happy moment by Stunnering Booker after offering him a beer.

So that’s the show. The quality of the SE will have to carry it yet again.


Okay, let’s talk about the ratings again. Look, I keep telling you people when the ratings spike up to wait and see for trends before proclaiming the WWF back. Right now, the ratings are like the EKG of a coma patient. bump bump bump bump BLEEP (Flex comes back) bump bump bump bump BLEEP (Flair comes back) bump bump bump bump BLEEP (Jericho wins title) bump bump…you get the picture. The “bump bump bump bump” is the WWF’s base audience figure of 4.0, give or take a decimal. The WWF can sustain themselves in some semblance of life with those ratings, but they’re thriving like said coma patient. Maybe the separation and Trip’s return can defibrillate it back to consciousness, maybe not. Just wait and see.

The Torch is pimping itself as the ideal Christmas present for wrestling fans. 1bullshit is pimping its ad-free premium service as an ideal Christmas present. A month’s supply of Valium is more effective, easier to swallow, and has less side effects than either.

According to Da Meltz, TSN cut away during the UT brutalization of Jeff and Lita. They didn’t cut the material with Lita (as they normally do regarding male-on-female violence), they actually started with the Last Ride off the stage on Jeff. Surprisingly, TSN didn’t cut this out on the replay (that coming from 1bullshit). Well, come to think of it, isn’t abusing Jeff Hardy also male-on-female…you know, I should resist making Hardys gay jokes, but they’re just too easy sometimes.

1bullshit also reported that the crowd Monday night abused a poor cotton candy vendor in the stands. Every time the man tried to sell his wares by shouting “Cotton Candy”, the crowd in the area responded with “What?”. Okay, people, this has got to stop, now.


In other words, Reader Mail, and lots of it, since I didn’t get around to doing any last week and didn’t answer mine from this week due to various and sundry. First up is Kurt Dieckmann, who poses a wonderful line of thought:

The problem lies not with you, but with the audience. Seriously – what percentage of the people hitting this site read Faust? Dante? Anything more than the Sunday comics? When you start combining well-conceived, intelligent articles (that contain lots of biiiig words) into a forum whose readers live and die on Jeff Hardy’s hair color du jour, you’re bound to get criticism. Just ’cause it’s a wrestling site doesn’t mean it need be devoid of a little thought and culture from the other side. Great writing – keep it up. You’re proving that there are people besides the slack-jawed neanderthals that follow SportsEnt.

It’s a conundrum. A lot of people, including some of my most vociferous critics, consider my writing to be me “talking down” to my readers. The way I see it is that I’m not underestimating their intelligence. If they’re insulted by the intelligence level of my columns, then its their feelings of inferiority coming to the fore, not my feelings of superiority. I have enough psychological problems of my own to have to deal with those of others. And don’t insult the Sunday comics. I’ve always felt that some of the best writers of the 20th Century ran across a continuous line from Rudy Dirks to Bill Watterson. Milt Gross is one of the funniest writers in any medium that I’ve ever read. Garry Trudeau is one of the finest political satirists of our time. And Sparky Schulz deserved to have those philosophy books written about his material.

Kurt closes with a quote from James Valby:

It’s time once again in the evening, to think of how lucky we areTo live in the US of A, and be getting f*cked up in this bar.The Afghans, they think we’re all crazy; they’d lock us all up with a shrink,They’d say we were sick and perverted; they’d pretend that their shit didn’t stink.Well, f*ck all the countries that hate us, and f*ck all the douchebags at sea;America may not be perfect, but it’s done f*ckin’ alright by me.

Well said. As for Valby, I think that his 80s blast against Madonna and Cyndi Lauper is a classic. “Fuck You, Madonna”, I believe it’s called, done to a certain familiar Lennon/McCartney tune. And wait until you see the opening quote next Tuesday.

Now to Adam Gallegos, who writes viz. Don Majkowski:

And you’re right – his foot WAS over the line. But Majkowski never had another season like that one, whereas your Bears have the NEW baddest man on the planet (Brian Urlacher) playing linebacker now, so everything seems to have worked out.

Damn right his foot was over the line. They should have never taken that asterisk out of the Bears media guide for that game. As per Urlacher, he’s God and all that, agreed, but it’s a little disconcerting to hear some Chicago sports radio personalities come up with the nickname The Oreo for the Bears’ defense (ten black guys and Urlacher in the middle). As for how good he really is, I dunno yet. I’m still split between him and Kyle Turley as the first pick for my all-white-trash team.

Adam continues:

And by the way – even though at least half of the things you say are, in my own opinion, tasteless and borderline offense, I wouldn’t want to read to any other way.

Only half? I’m not trying hard enough, I guess.

A person who shall remain anonymous (until tomorrow, when he takes over the news desk) writes:

Man, you should have pretended like the Booker T religious thing was the most tasteless thing you’ve ever seen on television. Nothing pisses off people more than a person who offends getting offended.

I offend? I really should switch deodorants then. Besides, I may be offensive and tasteless, but I’m not a hypocrite.

One of my favorite correspondents, Jackie Van Slyke, says:

Thank you for your statements about the “I can’t get over 9-11 group” Yes it is terrible, yes some steps need to be taken to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Yes OBL need to be found and shot on sight. BUT, we as Americans need to get on with life and not let him win the way this nation of victims are doing now. I get so sick of hearing how 9-11 has changed my life, It hasn’t mine. As a man once said, the only thing to fear is fear itself.

Personally, I think bin Laden should be taken alive and tried, preferably in the World Court for crimes against humanity. Do Nuremburg II with him and the rest of al-Qaeda (BTW, Newsbytes and the Washington Post are reporting that al-Qaeda may have had people in Microsoft involved in programming Windows XP. al-Qaeda connected with Microsoft…Microsoft connected with Flex. Seems cut and dried to me. Go get ’em, Ashcroft!). Now what was I saying? Oh, yeah, September 11th just gives an excuse for the Culture of Victimization crowd to come out in force. Americans have become masters at absolving themselves of responsibility for so long that we’re unable to stand on our own two feet anymore and take charge without a convenient scapegoat. I’m just against destroying the things that the US stands for because of an incident like this. Freedom is something far too precious to lose.

Just in case you think I print only the positive ones, here’s one from Paul Walfish:

I usually don’t respond to your crap, but something you wrote in this weeks column (12/18) pissed me off more than usual. I understand that you may have certain political beliefs & I respect that (I may not agree, but I respect your right to have incorrect views:-). But you list your questionable Man Of The Year winners & then in your “depending on your perspective” list you name Arafat?!? I don’t care what your political leanings are, how you can put Arafat in the”depending…” is beyond the realm of a normal thinking person’s comprehension!! If you want people to take your political blather seriously, then try to show some original thought & not just tow some warped Left-Wing line. We are obviously free to write & think what we want, but if you want to be taken seriously & viewed as an intelligent political thinker ratherthan a jackass, try showing some basic common sense. How you could not include Arafat on your list of obvious questionable MOTY winners is beyond me!

My inclusion of Arafat on the “questionable” list is due to the fact that I sincerely believe that he’s been trying his best to follow up on the Oslo Accords, but he’s having to deal with intransigent people on both sides, especially his own. It’s not an enviable situation, and I doubt he’ll survive it, either politically or physically. It has nothing to do with left-wing politics; who do you think I am, Vanessa Redgrave? As I said, it depends on your perspective. With a name like Walfish, I presume you’re Jewish. If so, I can clearly understand your perspective on Arafat. I just hope that you’re not demonizing Palestinians as a whole because of the actions of their alleged leadership. The Palestinians that I’ve known have all been great people.

You know, I don’t want to discuss the Middle East. That thing is a discussion quagmire. Any opinion you can take on it would be wrong in some way. It’s one of the few subjects I don’t touch.

Another of my favorite correspondents is Robert Bemis. He’s a real-life journo who believes that I’m a member of the fraternity, God bless him. He gives an unusual pick for Man of the Year:

Personally I think they should pick whoever spearheaded the Red Sox trade that sent Carl Everett to the Rangers. We actually got a player for him? Sure he was 11-11 with a 6.00+ ERA last season, but the team can at least teach him to pitch. Nobody can give Carl Everett a new brain or a new personality. No wonder the Rangers suck – they overpay out the ass for shortstops and trade for clinically insane outfielders.

And now the Rangers have picked up John Rocker too. Talk about an institution that’s sicker than the Red Sox. The brain-death probably goes back to the former ownership down there in Arlington.

Guillaume de Francoy (sorry I can’t do the little hook beneath the c in a text editor, Bill) brings up something to our attention that others have discussed, so he and I would like to remind you again:

I can’t believe most of the fans would rather see Torrie vs. Stacy instead of BENOIT VS AUSTIN from Smackdown in Edmonton. Please do something to get more votes for Austin/Benoit. PLEASE!!!!!

Well, I’m only one person, but I do have this large readership who can help in that area. Go on and vote for Austin/Benoit, dammit!

Jim Slayden is an initiate in the True Religion who professes his faith in this way:

I’m glad someone who hates the People’s Pansy is vocal. Rock, or Flex, has not developed for the better in his 3-4 years in the business. Anyway, just wanted to congradulate you on being one of the best in your line of work. No offense to guys like Keith. Plenty of offense to guys like Keller & Mitchell who are just marks with a computer.

Actually, Duane Johnson was becoming a better wrestler until he decided that he was getting over with his vocal skills instead of his ring skills (the best match he ever did was the ’98 ladder match with Trip). That’s one thing that put me against him, the lack of progress in ring skill development. And thanks for the compliments, but I wouldn’t go after the Wadester and Uncle Brucie before nailing Jason “I Have No Brain Yet I Must Write” Powell.

Jon Hunt, aka Gort, does the left-handed compliment thing:

You strike me as very intelligent, and I happen to agree with nearly everything you say, with the glaring exception of your wrestling views. In fact, I make fun of you quite a bit. Regardless, I must say that I am glad someone else feels the same way that I do about the inane reactions of this country following September 11. Suddenly, I can’t say that New York is heavily overrated and that everyone in the Tri-State area is full of themself. I can’t say that having a government that seems to take comfort in lying to us, if they let us know anything in the first place, is not a very good idea. I can’t say that it is an even worse idea due to the rather unique incidents that led to their ascension to power. I can’t f*cking watch Invader Zim or say that this Erin Brokovitch tribute crap on tv is a bit disgusting, without coming across as a f*cking terrorist. It’s amazing that someone that I completely disagree with in the topic that I read them for is the only person that seems to be speaking for me on other issues, that isn’t under government surveillance.

Don’t worry, I’ll win you over on the subject of my wrestling views yet. It’s not surprising, really. I’m the type of person who is willing to express unpopular views, and the views we share are, let’s face it, pretty unpopular. I’m also the type of person who considers public orgies of patriotism and fake displays of “togetherness” to be contrary to real pride in one’s country and real desire to bridge the gulfs that separate people in the US. “United We Stand” billboards form the Potemkin village that disguise the problems this country has. I don’t pretend to propose any solutions; I’m just saying that we shouldn’t be ignoring things because of what happened. The economy sucks, the “economic stimulus packages” are just an excuse to start ramping the deficit again, the Mumia situation’s going to bring the racial divide back into relief (just like the OJ verdict). There are real problems in this country, and terrorism isn’t one of them. But it’s sexy, so it gets the press. And, personally, I don’t know if I’m under government surveillance or not. There were some readers who did want to report me to the FBI for ungoodthink.

Kevin Brotzman, who should be studying right now for finals if he knows what’s good for him, talks about the Browns, the former Browns, and the former Colts:

I agree wholeheartedly with your comments about the fans in Pigtown, I mean Cleveland. Being from Baltimore, I’ve had enough of everyone singing the praises of that filthy city. Finally, they’ve been exposed for the bunch of booze-swilling losers that they truly are. Ever since Art Modell had the sense to bail out of the Mistake by the Lake six years ago, we’ve heard nothing but whining from Cleveland. Baltimore was a terrible, evil city because we “stole” their precious Browns. I don’t think anyone shed a tear when we lost the Colts – in the middle of the night, without warning – and were left out in the cold for more than a decade. Cleveland was almost instantly promised a new team, and they got to keep their name and colors! So here they are, whining and bitching again like the world’s against them. Morons. Well, glad to have that off my chest.

You’re lucky. I’m old enough to remember the Baltimore Colts, the team that gave us two of the greatest QBs of all time in Johnny Unitas and Bert Jones. Lenny Moore’s greatness at running back was only noticed after his career because he played contemporaneous to Jim Brown. They were the team that Don Shula left to coach the Dolphins. They were the team that Joe Willie rashly predicted victory against in Super Bowl III, and were on the wrong end of Alan Ameche’s dive into the end zone in overtime in the Greatest Game Ever Played eleven years before that. And I certainly remember the Allied Moving trucks in the dead-of-night snowstorm pulling out of Baltimore to head to Indy. What a nice way to piss on a legacy, Irsays.

If BFM wishes to have the counterpoint to this with some interestingly obscene remarks about Art Modell, I’ll open the floor to him.

He continues: I owe you thanks, though: you were largely responsible for my all-too-recent hate for The People’s Catchphrase. I don’t know what acts of violence I would have had to unleash had Lance Storm tapped to the Sharpshitter on RAW. I’m lucky enough to have tickets to Wrestlemania XVIII (I refuse to call it X-8), and my fingers are crossed for an Austin-HHH main event, or maybe something with Jericho or Benoit, rather than what I fear is inevitable. Here’s hopin.

I’m glad I could catch you in time. Most of the time, the cancer of Flex Fandom is too metastisized to operate. That’s why I tend to do cobalt treatments in my column. Nuke the marks, just to be sure.

Joe Friesen wishes to object to my definition of the Heisman Trophy:

Balderdash. The Heisman is ABSOLUTELY an MVP award. If it were given to the best player in football, then a guy by the name of David Carr from Fresno State would be polishing that statue as we speak. If that guy ISN’T the first-chosen quarterback in the draft next year, I’ll eat my f*cking hat.

You won’t have to. Carr’s going to be the top QBs taken (I expect to see him in a Lions uniform, personally). I’m just hoping Harrington lasts long enough for the Bears to snag him. Hey, you’re a joshi fan and a person who admits to being a puro-elitist, so you’re cool by me. Not as cool as fellow joshi fan Trevor Giberson, but between the two of you and the constant pressure by Zach Arnold, someone’s going to make me a fan of the Japanese stuff yet.

L. D. Beaumont is even cooler by me when he says, Taue = Kane. Nice. I go nuts seeing people try and make him something he isn’t (that is, above average). Just don’t talk to Joe Friesen, who thinks I’m nuts not liking Taue but liking Akiyama.

“Mark” (his name, not his status) and Russian Rocket both ask me if I’ve ever heard the phrase “ignorance is bliss” (viz. last Wednesday’s column). I prefer the phrase “ignorance is no excuse”.

Brendon Slee asks an intriguing question: Reading about what it is that you like about wrestling got me wondering what are some of your favorite past storylines. What storylines jump into your head when you think about wrestling? What storylines have kept you watching, no matter how dismal the product is? Most importantly, what storylines have showed what wrestling is capable of being at its best? I’m just curious.

Number one, the Dangerous Alliance, the NWO (up until the Rise of Goldberg), and Austin/McMahon I immediately pop into my head when I think about effective storylines. In the matter of the second question, storyline and in-ring action have to complement each other in order to be effective. If the in-ring product isn’t there, the story starts to die. There are very few angles that have caught my attention in the midst of abysmal product. The only one I can think of off the top of my head, due to sheer humor value, happened during the horrid patch the WWF hit between 1994 and Attitude, and that was the Barry Horowitz/Chris Candido feud. Well-booked and well-performed, especially by Sytch (who was talented until the drugs took hold). As for which storylines showed wrestling at its best, there’s a few bright spots amid a black hole of missed opportunities (how many people have rebooked Foley/Vader 1993?). Dangerous Alliance, of course. Flair/Steamboat/Funk ’89 (which I only saw years after the fact due to the fact that I was serving my country overseas at the time). The buildup to the Third Man at BATB ’96. Bret/Owen (something I never really want to see again because I’ll be in physical pain missing Owen’s talent at SE). Austin/McMahon I. In other words, the usuals. This is why I keep saying that the WWF needs some writers who are skilled in drama. With some strong, dramatic backstage material, the in-ring action will gain some importance. Right now, matches just seem to be thrown out there with only a bit of connective tissue to any dramatic narrative surrounding them. They’ve pissed away some great opportunities since March. Let’s hope they can get their act together for the break-up.

One final one from jed316 about last Wednesday’s screed:

…the bit about wrestling, and the differences between hatred and negativity…brilliant, on a Hyatte level, (from And Another Thing, not his Mop-Ups or Midnight News) and maybe even higher. I too have felt the disappointment at watching programming that lends itself more to pandering to mindless chimps than the long-term old school fans we are. And I have gotten into disagreements with many a ‘net columnist over it…Joe Rivett being one of them (a mindless drone who thinks we should kiss the WWF’s collective ass for some perceived silver lining in the black, black storm clouds that hang over every Raw, SmackDown and PPV). Like you, I like individual talent, but see them squandered in nonsensical storylines and the same old opponents. I don’t mind if there’s an authority figure on TV, but I want it to mean something, not just a foil for a McMahon, or an abuse target for Austin. But I DO like, and look forward to your smart writing. Nice to see 411 has a couple people with some intelligence…you and Keith, that’s it man. I say, petition Widro for the news post full-time…Grut pisses me off, and Flea is just a poor Hyatte impersonator. 411 needs more of you.

Not unless Widro starts paying me. Two days a week of this is hard enough. Don’t be too hard on Grut and Flea, though; they’re good guys and talented writers, and I think they do a damn good job on the days I’m not here. As for the screed being on the level of AAT, I consider that a great compliment (Hyatte and I may have sniped at each other, but we happen to be fans of each others’ work). Thanks for those words.

That’s all for this week. Next week, you get a full dose of what happens when a rampaging id with Seasonal Attitude Disorder has to do a column on Christmas. God help you all.