Hello, I am Joshua and welcome to my news report. To a certain Mr. Matt Cwern, Happy Birthday. Redninja5@aol.com is where you can wish happy 21st birthday to a fellow wrestling fan and a good friend of mine. Just an awful nice guy.
What you guys did for Flea, getting him tickets like that, it was very impressive. It has come to my attention that I would be a fool if I did not ask the awesome ticket brokers and kids with the connections if you can get me comped with a couple of tickets to January 7th’s Raw at MSG. I’d also be more then happy with tickets to January 8th’s Smackdown at MSG. Either way, I’d completely appreciate it and it would keep me from ever again bitching about doing this for no money. Oh, Flea listed some things he would do for you, so I’ll do the same.
1 Ticket- In honor of Hyatte, you will be proclaimed God in one of my news reports.
2 Tickets- I will write A Wrestling Tale about how you saved professional wrestling from any villain of your choice by the means of your choice.
3 Tickets- For a month, you will have two paragraphs in my column to talk about whatever you want, be it girl problems, guy friend problems (unless you’re a girl, switch those two), wrestling, internet animal porn or whatever floats your boat. Wow, my life defined.
4 Tickets- Widro, who if I get 3 or 4 tickets will be invited to come with me, will write a column entitled “Ten Things I Love About (Your Name Here).
Somehow Get Me Backstage- You will be forever known as the God of my column and will be entitled to be the Godfather of my fourth child, should I have one. I already promised two and three to Scott Keith. You will also receive, um, I’m looking for something I can give away, a copy of my screenplay and how about an unopened video, um, Being John Malkovich. Plus, you get the prizes for the 1-3 tickets. You get number 4 also if you can get Widro backstage as well. Also, I’ll ask Eric S. to write ten things that he actually likes about the Undertaker. Real things, not things like Ã¢â‚¬ËœHe’s almost dead.’
So, there you have it.
Oh, by the way, I hope you enjoyed your savior’s birth and presents.
SMACKDOWN IS NOT LIVE, AND THEREFORE I’M ABLE TO TELL YOU SOME OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN
Tazz and Spike face the Dudleyz in a non-title match. Flair and Vince talk about the Rumble. Christian faces Rikishi, Funaki talks, The Rock and RVD face Lance Storm and Kurt Angle, although I thought Kurt Angle was working a program with Edge. Wow. They really don’t know what they’re doing with anyone in the midcard, which now includes the Rock. I mean, since they decided the Rock and Austin shouldn’t have to job to Jericho in his first feud, they came up with a Booker program for Austin and then stuck the Rock into a something angle with Lance Storm and Test. I could go on, but it’s complicated and making my head hurt. Trish fights Mighty Molly. Taker fights Tajiri and breaks out a new move. Edge fights Kane and Booker T and Bossbubba fight Austin. Mansion Fan had these spoilers. You can meet Mansion Fan, Nemesis and the rest of the bunch at the 411 Fan Forum. 411 Fan Forum: Come Hang Out With The Cool People.
NO NEWS! HUZZAH!
It is only 10:30 in the morning, but for the next two days I need to be a morning person, so you’ll get more news tomorrow. Instead, let’s make some stuff up. This is not copying the Rick’s April Fools thing. This is just me being bored. Oh, see if you can spot the two pieces of real news!
Hulk Hogan has sprouted another nipple due to steroid use in the 1980’s. “Vince McMahon versus my Third Nipple due to steroid use is just what Wrestlemania needs this year,Ã¢â‚¬Â Hogan said at a press conference.
Tito Santana is not related to Carlos Santana, but he is the father of Carlos Mahuad.
The WWF is still planning to split into two on January 7th. The only major steppingstone is approval from the one man who controls all of professional wrestling, Triple H.
During a WWF Christmas party, Rhyno saw Chris Jericho and gored him through a table. He then went to Stephanie McMahon Helmsley and asked for his reward. Rhyno still has a lot of recovering to do.
Test has been voted TheSmarks.com wrestler of the year! Congratulations Test!
Scott Keith had but one simple wish during this holiday season: The kiss of a beautiful damsel. He settled for his grandmother. (Super sorry if she’s dead.)
PWI magazine came to a major crossroads when it realized it was no longer relevant. 8 years later, it’s still going strong!
Vince Russo celebrated the holidays by booking himself over Steve Austin in his fantasy booking league. Meanwhile, the Bischoff’s celebrated by getting each other Diamonds. (See if you get that one.)
Kane is torn between proclaiming himself King of Hell or King of Pain. Cast your vote by sending an email to Widro@aol.com.
Most people backstage are happy that the WWF decided to withdraw their offers to Hall and Nash. They were so happy they almost missed the curtain for the second act. I don’t think The Producers should be discussing this during their show.
Ric Flair is being sued by PETA for mocking owls.
Chris Benoit and Chris Benoit’s gap have revealed their affair to Nancy. Chris Benoit will marry Chris Benoit’s gap in August.
No news! Huzzah!
GOLDBERG IS BACK AND AMBIGUOUS!
On his website, www.goldbergbook.com, a flash entrance shows that GOLDBERG IS BACK, and then a link sends us to the same September 11th bitching that pissed everyone off. Oh! There is a lovely picture of Goldberg with an American flag superimposed over his face. Ugh. I’m going to play the Goldberg Trivia tester. Let’s see if I’ve got what it takes to be an exceptional Goldberg fan. 1 for 1, but I guessed. 2 for 2, but once again I guessed. 3 for 3! Damn, this is impressive. 4 for 4. This is absolutely the truth, and I am mostly just guessing. It’s one of three choices. Ooooh, but now I’m moving on to level two. Let’s see if I know my stuff or was just lucky. 5 for 5. That one was just stupid. 6 for 6. Did you know that Sting was supposed to have Goldberg’s music? I didn’t, but I guessed correctly that he did. 7 for 7. I’m thinking these are just really easy. 8 for 8. This is so weird. I should not know anything about Bill Goldberg. Damn! If I was one of the first four people to answer the next question, I could have won a copy of I’m Next, but four people already got it! They must’ve been brain surgeons. Nope, they won’t even ask the last question, so I’m done. This was thrilling, wasn’t it? Thank you for coming on this adventure with me. Read Nason’s Goldberg book review here.
So nice to see Scott positive about something, even if it is only half the article. Read about Piper and the Hillbilly’s here.
Go read the World According to Ron.
Please, if you can get me tickets contact me. I’d love you forever. You could be my hero baby. You could kiss away my pain.
Let’s do some Me and Flea, shall we?
ME AND FLEA ON: CHRISTMAS
Ryder Fakin: and light a fatty for the flea daddy :-)…just got home
VPJG: Welcome home! And happy holidays. How was your Christmas?
Ryder Fakin: excellent….eatin drinkin and gift gettin….how bout you?
VPJG: I got one lousy Hanukah gift. Stupid family.
VPJG: I heard you got comped for Smackdown?
Ryder Fakin: what was it…let ME make that judgement
VPJG: A $80 printer. My brother got an X-Box.
Ryder Fakin: bummer that does suck…..yeah a reader hooked me up with 5 tix…good show…i got the kid an x-box and am getting my assed kicked
VPJG: By who? Your child? Isn’t that embarrassing?
Ryder Fakin: real f*cking embarrasing…i ain’t played this shit since Nintendo and Zelda….too many buttons
VPJG: Oh yeah. Remember back in the old days when we didn’t even need video games? We had a horse and a stick and we beat the horse and WE LOVED IT!
VPJG: These kids today…
Ryder Fakin: funny guy……luckily our redneck friends gave me some moonshine, which is the pinnacle of drinking…if my speelling goes bad, know you know…eases the pain
Ryder Fakin: and smmoooootttthhhh
VPJG: Uh huh. Back in the good old days we didn’t even have moonshine. We had to bleed ourselves until we felt lightheaded and WE LOVED IT!
Ryder Fakin: like i said, i just got home…mind if i undress?
VPJG: Oh. Please.
VPJG: But can you describe it as you do it?
Ryder Fakin: sweater today…it’s like 60 here…no pool…sweater off…
VPJG: Uh huh.
Ryder Fakin: and i’m wresring my Cactus “WANTED DEAD” shirt….i’m a mark
VPJG: Wow. Sorry, don’t let me interrupt.
Ryder Fakin: done….i only go the shoes and shirt on the first date…
Ryder Fakin: sweater in this case
VPJG: That’s okay. It did the trick.
Ryder Fakin: cool…stick around for a few
VPJG: Kleenex by the computer. Ingenius!
Ryder Fakin: heh
VPJG: So, Flea. Have you spoken to Widro lately?
Ryder Fakin: i expect to see this in context thank you very much
Ryder Fakin: yesterday…merry xmas BOSS!
VPJG: I think he’s kind of upset about something.
Ryder Fakin: what
VPJG: Well, I secretly told someone during an IM conversation that I think he’s a pompous asshole, and I think he knows what I said.
Ryder Fakin: why would you say that? (the pompus asshole thing)
VPJG: Calling Widro a Pompous Asshole? Well, he is one. He’s all high and mighty with his JOB and his SOCIAL LIFE. God! Who does he think he is?
VPJG: Oh, I’m Widro! I don’t pop my back pimples! What an arrogant ass.
Ryder Fakin: huh?….i can’t be that drunk yet
VPJG: I’m sorry. Just kind of bitter.
VPJG: Like a cat.
Ryder Fakin: so what happened….did you make up?….i still don’t know why you don’t like him
Ryder Fakin: strange
VPJG: Because he’s just… UGH! GOD! GOD! Sorry, I just so need you on my side in the upcoming conflict.
Ryder Fakin: great….but you would need to explain more than CAPS!!!
Ryder Fakin: c’mon
VPJG: Fine. See, he’s just… UGH! GOD! GOD! UGH! You know?
Ryder Fakin: no
VPJG: It’s not that I hate him. I despise him.
Ryder Fakin: now you are working….why don’t you just cut a promo while you are at it?
Ryder Fakin: “The Isrealite” would be a cool entrance theme
VPJG: Did you know that Sting was supposed to have Goldberg’s music?
Ryder Fakin: there ain’t any words
VPJG: So? It needs words?
Ryder Fakin: unless he’s chanting “GOLDBERG”, yes
VPJG: Oh, I see! Anyway, I need to ‘flea’. I’ll catch ya when I catch ya. I can’t believe you Widro people.
Ryder Fakin: yeah…us
Happy Holidays! See you tomorrow!