Good Evening Ladies, Gentleman and S.Martin. I’m Joshua Grut coming off a shitty Haunakah. If you read the news yesterday, you may have learned that I got a cheap ass $80 printer instead of cool ass shit like video games. Still, I’m here to tell you that the rumors about the Jewish Community are still HEARSAY! See, I can talk religion out here without the FEAR of being exiled because it’s MY column! Mine! Huzzah! Motherf*ckers.
Well, thanks to Big Sexy there is some trash to be talking tonight.
NASH! NASH! HE DID THE MONSTER NASH!
Looks like the rumors and speculations are over. Big Daddy Cool is coming home. Despite conflicting reports that say he might join that bullshit WWA, Kev is closer than a rabbi to a circumcision of re-joining the WWF. Which moves nicely into bringing in my guest host for the evening .Jim Ross!
Well, unfortunately I’m not paid for my hard work here at 411 so I could not afford to bring in the REAL Jim Ross (or as all you smarks know him..Good Ol JR! BY GAWWD! So thankfully I have a brilliant and creative mind (exceptforthetimeIhadeveryoneflamemyclassmatesandalmostgotexplelledforharrasment) so I have a perfect substitute!
He’s not JIM Ross (BY GAWDD!) but he’s
MY COUSIN ROSS! – OY VEY!
Hey Ross! What up, cuz?
Ross: Well, Josh, there is plenty of news to keep the skeevosa happy tonight! It’s destined to be MORE FUN THAT A BARMITZVAH WITH YOUR GAY COUSIN! Your just NOT going to see this kind of news on the weekends, I tell you. OY VEY!. And that other guy Eric? He’s just MISERABLE OY VEY MISERABLE?
Me: Cuz, why are you so loud? Please don’t ruin this.
Ross: OY VEY! OY VEY IT’S BREAKING LOOSE IN MIAMI BEACH!
Okay let’s move along
As stated above, Nash is coming back to the WWF according to the inside net sources. (and that is you credit, this news was everywhere!) This should lead to interesting circumstances as far as the “backstage politics†go. The same sites also say that HHH is not to keen
ROSS: IT’S THE RETURN OF THE CLIQ! OY VEY! OY VEY!
To having his thunder stolen by Nash and that drunk Scott Hall. The reunion would get people talking and by the way I NEED TICKETS for the MSG shows.
ROSS: QUIT BEGGIN! IF THEY WANT TO SEND YOU TICKETS THEY WILL! OY VEY!!
Ross, I’ll let you know when I need your input.
Anyway, so the stage is set for good times in the WWF starting just after New Years. It’s about damn time, I can only take so many Grocery Store
ROSS: LETTUCE OY VEY! LETTUCE AUSTIN IS TAKING IT TO HIM, OY VEY!
Or Egg Nog matches. Ross, please
WHO’S LAYIN THE SMACKDOWN NOW BITCH?
My advice is that you should have watched the show. The WWF needs all the help they can get. Coming to a website for results does not a happy Vince make! Besides, everyone’s hero and favorite Canucklehead Scott Keith has a Smackdown report here.
ROSS: AS ALWAYS, PASS THE BUCK. WE COME HERE TO READ YOUR WORDS NOT JUST TO CLICK ON A LINK AND READ WHAT A MISERABLE CANADIAN HAS TO SAY! OY VEY! FOLKS, YOU WON’T SEE THIS ANYWHERE ELSE!
Sorry, Ross. I have a paper to write tonight.
ROSS: NO ONE CARES IF YOU CAN COMICALLY REARRANGE ROMEO AND JULIET AS ADAM AND EVE!
Whatever .do you ever do something you later regret?
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
It appears that D’Lo Brown, Val Venis
ROSS: I LIKE THEM. BOTH HAVE GREAT UPSIDE POTENTIAL
Rey Mysterio Jr.
ROSS: GREAT TALENT. HIS ADDITION TO THE ROSTER SHOULD SHORE UP THAT CRUSIERWEIGHT DIVISION WHEN WE START PUSHING THESE GREAT YOUNG SUPERSTARS AS SOON AS THE MANAGEMENT GETS OFF THEIR HANDS! OY VEY!
Dean Malenko
ROSS: HE’LL BE GOOD IF HE CAN KEEP THAT WEIGHT UNDER CONTROL
Rhyno
ROSS: HE SHOULD BE A GREAT ADDITION TO THE BACKSTAGE STAFF. EXPERIENCE IS ALWAYS NEED AMONG OUR ROAD AGENTS AND I THINK RHYNO FITS THE BILL.
Sorry guys did I mention that Ross is new to the Internet Wrestling scene?
Anyhow, big names are scheduled to be on the horizon. Stay tuned.
ROSS: TELL THEM ABOUT UNDERTAKER BEING UPSET WITH SCOTTY 2 HOTTY! OY VEY!
ROSS: DID YOU TELL THEM ABOUT TEST MAKING $475,000 A YEAR AND GETTING HIS OWN PAY PER VIEWS ON THE WWA NETWORK?
No, and I have no intention of it. Readers, please switch Scotty with UT, Test with Scotty, Flair with Test and WWA with Test’s Pay Per Views. Please replace my cousin Ross with a lamp post.
ROSS: OY VEY! WAIT UNTIL I TELL YOUR MOTHER! YOU THINK SHE WILL EVEN LET YOU GO TO MSG IF YOUR STUPID READERS BOTHER TO SEND YOU TICKETS! OY VEY! IT’S BREAKING LOOSE AT THE PAWN SHOP!
Whatever
AND EYE, EYE, E-EYE, WILL ALWAYS PLUG YOU! EYE, EYE, E-EYE,!
Nason will impact the rest of your lives with his latest column.
ROSS: FIGHT CLUB! FIGHT CLUB! FIGHT CLUB! IT’S BREAKIN LOOSE!
Shut UP! Ben Morse continues to be an out of control maniac
ROSS: MEAN! OY VEY! MEAN!
Right. Brian Cole has some International News
ROSS: ARE THERE OTHER JEWISH WRESTLERS BESIDES GOLDBERG? DOES BRIAN COLE HAVE THE LATEST FROM THE HOUSE SHOW IN ISREAL?
You would have to ask him. And I’m pretty sure that Goldberg in not the only Jewish person in wrestling.
ROSS: OV VEY! IT’S BREAKIN LOOSE ON THE WEST BANK. IT’S CHUTZPAH! OY VEY!
And Shellie, I’m sorry I didn’t catch you on AOLIM tonight, I was busy.
ROSS: WUSS! OY VEY! WUSS!!!!!!
With that I think I will wrap it up. Thank You Ross for your input and I hope this pays you back for the time I glued your toes together.
ROSS: MY PLEASURE! SO LONG FROM THE SUNSHINE STATE!
Wait! That was Gordon Solie’s line!
ROSS: WELL, HE’S DEAD, OY VEY! BESIDES I RESIDE IN FLORIDA NOW BECAUSE I WANT TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO VOTE WRONG IN THE NEXT ELECTION! IT’S BREAKIN LOOSE IN SOUTH BEACH! OY VEY OY VEY OY VEY!
Enjoy Flea and Eric. I’ll see you next year
Joshua Grutman
