Saturday Evening Post 12.29.01

Just because I hit you in your continually-priapic-yet-unrelieved sensitive spot is no reason to charge me with not being a fan.

– Eric S. 12.25.01

That takes the title of the coolest thing I have ever read in the Internet Wresting Community.

Hello out there! I’m Flea and welcome to another edition of Saturday Evening Post. For those of you that emailed me and wished me a Merry Xmas, thanks! Just one thing: don’t include “Hey Motherf*cker, why did you slack off and not do anything last week?”. I submitted reports as scheduled (EXCESS and The Monday Edition, no Saturday, the site was down) and they did appear for about a day. When the site came back to fully functional POOF! They were gone. That’s all. But thanks for the kind words. Seriously.

Let’s get to it .

TOP STORY

Some Other Guy’s reign as champeen continues. Of all the feedback I get people wonder why I don’t like Guy and have not done cartwheels about him finally breaking through the so-called “glass ceiling”. Fact of the matter is I think he is a lousy champion and was given the belts for lack of something better to do. Allow me to elaborate, and not because there just ain’t that many stories out there to be reportin’ on.

I am a huge fan of Some Other Guy’s mic work. His promo on Smackdown was some good old fashioned

“Look at me, I’m Champion and sitting by the pool while the rest of you unwashed masses are worried about whether or not the power bill is paid!”. Classic. Arrogant, cocky and better than you Classic. Jericho pulls of the sneaky, bragging heel act as good as anyone. He also whines when he has to and always cheats. I LOVE champions like that. It makes you PAY to see them get beat. Ric Flair made a career out of it.

The only problem is, Some Other Guy can’t back it up in the ring. As far back as I can remember, he never has. Sure, he doesn’t SUCK or anything, but he just isn’t very good. His punches and kicks miss by a mile, he blows moves like someone off of an indy show and one of his finishers (Lionsault) only hits about once every three or four attempts. I can’t think of one match against the top level stars that he has “carried” so to speak. Benoit makes anyone look like a million, HHH does the same (think Last Man Standing; great f*cking match but HHH made it (and Guy) work. Austin and Rock’s intensity and popularity make just about all their matches work and Angle’s so far ahead of the curve it’s not even funny.

So this leaves Some Other Guy twisting in the wind and not a very believable champion. He can talk the game but when it gets time to prove it in the ring, it all falls to pieces. That is why Flair was brilliant. He would brag and then go out and show you he WAS the best. And THEN come back and TELL you “like it or not, learn to love it cause it’s the best thing going today.” I WISH Some Other Guy could do that because he has da mic skillz and the attitude to pull it off. Great upside potential as JR might say. I just don’t see it happening. Guy has wrestled the same since the first time is saw him and unless some divine intervention hits him (much like it did HHH when he finally got his ass in gear and performed) I just don’t think this ball is going to be his to play with very long.

Which brings me back to my original point. Some Other Guys win is just a holding pattern until everything settles down after the New Year. If I had my choice, I would have HHH come back all babyface like and SCREW Guy out of the title, then get nasty heel like and start sledgehammering everyone. And then tell us he’s that damn good. And then go have grade A quality matches with Rock, Austin, RVD and everyone else in the Fed. And then win and again tell us how he’s that damn good and the rest of us suck.

I love the bragging heel champion. The one that tells you off verbally, has great matches and always cheats like a motherf*cker.

Fuck Some Other Guy and HHH. Get Eddy Guerrero sober and put him on steroids to make him about 250 or 260 pounds. He could show you how it’s done.

HEADLINES

The XWF had their first show since the Universal tapings in Hammond, IN last night and the results are as follows:

Greg “The Hammer” Valentine was in action. He won!

Kid Kash beat the kid from tough enough (Josh). Critics are saying this was a ***** classic and nothing like this match has ever been seen before in the history of professional wrestling! No shit, that’s what people are saying. Whatever.

British Storm (Ian Harrison) beat NorMAN SmileLEY in what could best be described as a squash.

Drezden beat Big Vito by DQ after a Greco Roman punch to the balls. Backstage rumors are abounding that Vito is a big ol’ crybaby for doing the J.O.B. It’s already starting, I guess.

Duggan beat Wall

Road Warriors beat the Nasty Boyz. Sound like the same match I saw at the TV tapings.

Vampiro beat Buff Bagwell and Curt Hennig for YOUR Main Event.

Piper said a bunch of stuff and ran down everyone like the crazy old man he is.

Crowd was said to be around 2-3 thousand and pretty rambunctious.

I gotta tell ya, I dug this XWF thing when I saw them live at the Universal tapings. However, reports of this show sound like a bad edition of Thunder. Still, it’s a good alternative I will patron the shows if they ever make it back down here. And again I ask, why are you holding house shows WAY UP THERE when you could be down in sunny Florida?

Go back and read my Day With The XWF if you like..a link right here would be nice. (If the archives still exist, that is.)

The other big news is that Kevin Nash looks to be an odds on favorite to return to the Fed. Good for him. See it’s all shaping up folks in couple more months we can go back to calling Vince a genius again. What do you think the odds are of WM popping a 3.0 buyrate this year? Would that make you happy? Are you a stockholder? Just forget the last 9 months have happened if you are one of those folks who ain’t liked what you saw this year.

THE ROSS SAYS THIS

In the latest Ross Report, JR says nothing! He’s on vacation! So I will pull a Grut and call on his cousin ROSS.

Hey Ross!

ROSS: HEY FLEA! OY VEY! IT’S BREAKING LOOSE IN HOLLYWOOD!

Hey man. Grut said you were loud, unbearable and for the most part unreadable! I’ll have none of that in MY report. No Caps!

ROSS: SORRY! I mean sorry! Oy Vey! Did you hear Goldberg is coming back?

Nope, And that’s Nash you dope.

ROSS: IT’S BREAKING LOOSE IN NEW YORK! DID YOU KNOW THAT JESSE JACKSON ONCE CALLED NEW YOURK HYMIE – TOWN?

No. Didn’t know that I and don’t care. Get lost. I’m sorry I invented you.

ROSS: YOU DIDN’T TELL ANYBODY?

What? That I’M the one that did Grut’s news the other night? No. I thought it could be a secret. I did the news for Grut so he could go out and get drunk and laid. I didn’t know you would be part of the deal. That’s what I get for drinking moonshine and helping someone out: A loud, Jewish voice in my head that is sound vaguely like Good Ol’ JR. Now go AWAY!

ROSS: OY VEY! I CAN TAKE A HINT. PUTZ.

Goodbye.

RADIO GA GA

Many of today’s wrestlers choose to express their opinions and gripes on various radio programs, be it the standard AM/FM stations or the up and coming Internet talk shows. Here is a run down on who said what

The aforementioned Norman Smiley was on the radio and has his opinion / explanations or several things:

He got heat in the back for doing the wiggle and being over in general. Although he is a very accomplished wrestler, the only way he would get over was by being a f*cking goof. This is also called ” just being yourself” by some folks.

Tony Schiavone was the one who tried to get over the “NorMAN SmileLEY” pronunciation of his name. Norman said he didn’t like it or think it was necessary; the wiggle was going to carry him to great heights.

Norman has had a mustache since the fourth grade. The follow up question should have been “Why were you still in the fourth grade at age sixteen?” No dice.

Al Issacs made an appearance for the first time in a year that I can recall and stated the following: “I think Kurt Angle should do the wiggle!” How the mighty have fallen. Somewhere in the great beyond, a former Internet Icon weeps at what has become of the once mighty here on Earth.

Norman shows that he attended the exit interview at WCW by stating the following: “The prisioners were running the asylum”. Does anyone have a different opinion of what happened there or is everyone been brainwashed or contract bound into saying that? Damn.

Norman also relates a story about Brian Knobbs, David Penzer, a briefcase, some ribs and a pair of SHIT FILLED UNDERWEAR! I ‘ll let you, the reader, figure that one out.

Dusty Rhodes was one the local radio show here the other night and was in rare form. He’s out promoting his Turnbuckle Championship Wrestling shows. Odd thing is Steve Corino plays a big part. I say odd because Corino was supposed to have retired. Anyway, they did a show down here in Florida in a quaint little town called DeLand, which just happens to be right up DeRoad from me (HA!). I didn’t go but am told that I missed Dusty and Corino bleeding all over the place. Bummer. A one-time occurrence and I MISS IT! Not sure how I will sleep tonight. I’ll be sure to go the next time they come around.

ROLL THE DICE

Chilly Willy is back home safe and sound for the holidays after completing rough and rigorous Army Boot Camp training. He says it’s harder than he thought but not as bad as taking a power bomb through two chairs on concrete for a couple hundred mutants posing as wrestling fans. Good luck to ya Chilly!

IN OTHER WORDS

Now available on 411

Your friend and mine Grut has some advise on driving in his latest column entitled “A Wrestling Tale”. I haven’t read it yet but I can certainly guarantee that it is good, worthwhile reading and his cousin ROSS has absolutely no involvement.

Daniels revives Cheap Heat for you right about here.

When he’s not laying the Smackdown on the miscreants over on the forum, Carlos manages to lay the Smackdown in uh a Smackdown Report! Right here he is!

Smackdown / Smarkdown. Apples / Oranges. Scott Keith also his report available. I would make a comment about the ease of banking in my life but it might be misconstrued as “Bashing Canada” so I wont. Go read Netcop.

PAGE SIX

What a wonderful week, unless you are a Scrooge or Grinch. I will be back tomorrow with a top ten list or two (those seem to DRAW MONEY, let me tell ya) and some final news before we get all hot and heavy into the New Year.

Oh, one more thing .in regards to certain things that are happening around here .

Ah, nevermind. Just don’t let the door hit you in the ass when you go. A word of advice: don’t go THERE and try this shit, they will laugh your ass right out of there.

And it’s not HIM I’m talking about. It’s YOU!

Cryptic Enough? I feel like I just channeled Zimmerman

This has been Saturday Evening Post and I’m Flea.