Mixed Tag-Team Match:
Jeff Jarrett and Debra vs. Val Venis and Nicole Bass.
Ross says, “Unfortunately folks, the show has to go on… We will do everything in our power to keep you updated on the situation.” With this, Val Venis comes out and does his silly little double-entendre filled spiel about wieners and boobs and all that other stuff that makes the middle schoolers giggle. Val is all like “So Kansas is known as the ‘Show-Me State,’ Well ladies, you know how the old saying goes… You show me yours…. and I’ll show you mine.” Ideally, the crowd would be lapping up the babyface’s speech, but he made one minor mistake. Kansas City is in MISSOURI, not Kansas. The crowd POUNCED poor Venis the second he alluded to being in the ‘Show-Me State’ of KANSAS. Jim Ross quips that “I don’t think old Val made straight A’s in geography.” Jeff Jarrett and Debra are having a ROUGH time even keeping it together in the ring for obvious reasons. Jarrett and Venis start things out, with the crowd quickly forgetting about the terrible, terrible injury of Owen Hart and shifting its focus to the incessant chanting of “We Want Puppies!” This show shouldn’t even be on the air at this point as far as I’m concerned, but I’m not the one to make that call. To the detractors who say that “Owen would have wanted the show to continue,” most of those people probably have never even MET Owen. His wife and family probably weren’t doing jumping jacks because Vince was doing Owen’s wishes justice by having a f*cking MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH featuring NICOLE BASS. Val gets the early advantage, although the crowd isn’t too thrilled with him because of his prior mishap. Venis lands a few punches, a few elbows, and a double-arm suplex. Val whips Jarrett into the ropes and sets up for the backdrop. Jarrett comes off the ropes and sees Val just leaning over like a dummy as if Jarrett is going to be stupid enough to not see the backdrop coming, even though he is leaning over with his head straight down as if to tell the world, “Get ready for a BACK-DROP!!! Jarrett kicks Venis smack in the head and brings him to the ground with an armbar takedown. Jarrett controls the tempo with some punches and kicks of his own, before Venis again regains the upper hand with a nice little spinebuster. The crowd could not possibly care less about this match, but “the show must go on!” The women tag in and do their contrived “we can wrestle too!” spots, such as the double clothesline duck. Flair-Steamboat this is not, but I think this match is a little bit more technically sound than, oh, lets say a 2/3 falls matchup between Abdullah the Butcher and Big Josh. Debra bitchslaps the huge psychotic transsexual and jumps up on her back to lock on the sleeper hold. Nicole Bass simply backs into the corner and squashes poor little Debra against the turnbuckles. Debra is whipped into the opposite corner, but Bass botches some flying move of some sort. Debra gives Bass a good clean kick between the legs and makes the tag to Jarrett. Venis tags back in as well and we are back to the CLASSIC old-school matchup of the heel cowboy against the babyface porn star. One of the two locks on a sleeper, but I can’t read my own handwriting and I sure as hell am not going to rewind the damn tape for something so trivial. If your entire existence is hanging on the details of this sleeper hold, drop me an email, and together, we can find a special home with nice doctors that will take care of you for many, many years to come. Whoever applies the sleeper gets overpowered, with the result being a double KO. Val is the first up and does a provocative little dance over Double J to hammer home the fact that he ACTS IN ADULT MOVIES. Venis tires of the dance and opts for a second rope elbow drop. Jarrett moves out of the way and hits Val with one of those Front-Russian-Leg sweeps that Jericho has been using lately. Debra and Bass run in and we’ve got a pier-six brawl on our hands!!! The crowd is DEAD. Debra grabs Jarrett’s guitar and hits Nicole Bass over the back of the head with it. Bass is unphased by the shot, because of the whole “elephant testicles” thing. Bass chases Debra around in circles before JJ finds the guitar and takes aim at Bass himself. As Jarrett is poised to knock out the hideously ugly wench, Venis sneaks up behind him and hits him with a belly-to-back suplex. Venis does a little celebratory dance before climbing to the top rope and hitting the oh-so subtly named “Money Shot.” The referee makes the three-count, the crowd reacts with enthusiasm that a Power and Glory reunion would probably garner, and the match ends at (131:56).
-Backstage: Pat Patterson and Jerry Brisco are loading Vince McMahon into an ambulance. Shane comes into the picture to taunt his Dad. Shane sarcastically promises to be an impartial, fair referee for tonight’s main event. As Vince is leaving in the ambulance, Shane tells his father not to worry, because when he gets back, the Undertaker WILL be the new WWF Champion.
-Well, one of the federation’s top stars is presumed to be on borrowed time, but that doesn’t stop the WWF from shilling a FREE OFFER. Jim Ross enthusiastically informs us that if we send our cable bill to the WWF Headquarters, we can expect to be receiving a FREE pewter Undertaker pendent in our home mailbox in 2 to 3 months. JR pronounces it as “PEE-EWE-TURR.” I’d be curious to know if ANYONE actually wore this damn thing, even during the WWF’s height of popularity.
-No real mention of Owen Hart has been made in the last 20 minutes or so unfortunately, and that trend (with the exception of Road Dogg’s interview) would continue for another 20 or so minutes.
-We get a fun little video package of the recent feud between former tag team partners Billy Gunn and the Road Dogg. This very feud will reach its climax tonight in what is sure to be a two-star CLASSIC. As the video package tells us, “They were the greatest tag team ever, but that was yesterday… and yesterday is gone.” That’s DEEP. Somebody get Kevin Dunn a hanky. Ross and Lawler mention the fact that Billy Gunn has the potential to be the biggest WWF Superstar EVER.” LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! Actually, I don’t think Gunn sucks as much as the rest of the free world seems to, but there was NO excuse for nearly killing Chris Benoit early in the year in an extremely, extremely careless press-slam spot. Poor Scott Keith would probably have had to run out and get a vasectomy if Gunn really would have killed Benoit.
-Kevin Kelly is with the Road Dogg. Dogg is asked for his thoughts on tonight’s match, and as is the trend this evening, the Road Dogg completely ignores Kelly and talks about Owen Hart. After he is through sending his well-wishes to Hart, he gives a long-winded, drug-reference laden interview highlighted only by his constant use of the word “Puss.” It doesn’t really sound too intimidating though, as the word “Puss” just seems borderline cartoonish, as opposed to controversial. It sounds like something John Arbuckle would say to Garfield after the pesky cat hoarded all the lasagna.
-Kevin Kelly finds Billy Gunn, who makes no mention of Owen Hart. Gunn gives an equally nonsensical interview, which is completely understandable given the circumstances. More sexual innuendos fly as Gunn alludes to the fact that he has been carrying the Road Dogg around for a year “like a bad case of the Clap.” To further emphasize this witty barb, Gunn claps his hands at the moment he says the word “Clap.” The effect is VERY dramatic, on many levels…
The Megapowers…. errr New Age Outlaws EXPLODE:
Billy Gunn vs. The Road Dogg
The internet was CREAMING themselves at the mere thought of this technical exhibition. Let’s see if the match lives up to the MOTYC hype that was given to the contest before it even happened… We start out with some kicks and punches and punches and kicks to further sell the fact that the Outlaws LOATHE each other. You can cut the loathe with a knife. Gunn gets the early advantage, hammering his former teammate with a scoop slam and a kneedrop. Gunn starts yelling at the ref for no discernable reason, giving the Road Dogg a PERFECT opportunity to turn the tides. Let’s weigh the Road Dogg’s options shall we…
Situation: Billy Gunn has his back to us, and we are in the perfect, PERFECT position to capitalize.
Options:
A) We club Billy from behind as hard as humanly possible, solidifying the offense in our favor.
B) We grab Billy’s heads from behind, ram it soundly into our good friend the turnbuckle, and thus shift the offense, at least for the time being, in our favor.
C) We grab our shins and start doing a ridiculous knee-wobbling dance, allowing Gunn the perfect opportunity to turn around and nearly take our head off with a clothesline.
If you answered C, give yourself a pat on the back because you’ll soon be unemployed and putting your services up on Ebay for $8 an hour, too!!!
Anyway, as you may have guessed, Dogg is all like *Wobble Wobble Wobble* and Gunn is all like “What the f*ck are you doing ?” and Dogg is all like “I’m doing a silly Dance, *WOBBLE WOBBLE*” and Gunn is like “Can I clothesline you over the top rope and nearly break your neck” and Dogg is all like “Well, I’m just going to continue doing my down-syndrome-esque dance and I’ll trust you, my hated opponent, not to attack me!!” and then Gunn is all like “Ok, *Wink*” Both men assault each other in a very EXPLOSIVE manor on the outside. Gunn slams his former partner’s head soundly into the UNFORGIVING Steel Steps. Michael Cole grabs his little microphone and questions the Steel steps as whether or not they genuinely feel remorse. The steps offer NO forgiveness. Road Dogg fights back with some menacing right hands, but Gunn gets to his feet and tosses Dogg to the outside. There is just absolutely ZERO heat from the crowd for this match. The referee reprimands Gunn for throwing RD over the top rope, even though the rule book states nothing illegal in reference to this tactic. The Road Dogg rolls back in and is basically at the mercy of his former teammate at this time. Let’s weigh the options…
Situation: Road Dogg is down on the mat, and we have a PERFECT opportunity to put him away for the three-count.
Options:
A) We drop as many elbows as humanly possible to the skull of Road Dogg, sapping him of any remaining strength and giving us a genuinely high-percentage shot of winning the match.
B) We allow Dogg to stagger to his feet, adjust our position, and firmly land our finishing maneuver for a guaranteed three-count.
C) We ignore our opponent and instead focus our undivided attention on performing a RIDICULOUS “Suck my Penis” dance in the direction of the referee, the very man who is ultimately responsible for the outcome of our match.
If you guessed C, give yourself a pat on the back, you will soon be delegated to curtain-jerking WWF Jakked along with your low-card tag-team partner (Chuck Palumbo or The Big Show, depending on how Pat Patterson is feeling on that particular day). Anyway, Gunn does the little “Felate me, I’m a jobber!” dance, which gets the crowd riled up. It’s kind of disturbing to see thousands of grown men jump to their feet with glee every time a blonde, decidedly-effeminate man points to his scrotum. Gunn still manages to kick the shit out of Road Doggy Doggy Doggy Doggy Dogg though, landing a picture-perfect jackhammer. The referee looks to be in complete shock that Gunn didn’t permanently cripple his opponent with the hold, and has to send the paramedics that he prematurely called in back to the locker room. Gunn’s a fun guy, because common holds such as the armbar and the hammerlock are life-threatening when applied by the jolly Ass-Man. I heard he once paralyzed a jobber from the neck down with a botched bearhug. Confirmation pending from 1wrestling. When Scherer goes to the bank to deposit all the hefty checks from the “members area”, and the teller is like, “What can we do for you today?” I bet he holds up big poster-board sized homemade pop-up like ads. When the teller looks up, all she sees is a big sign that says “You have one new message waiting for you.” When she asks him to remove the message, there is another poster-board underneath that says “Try the new Visa clear card. It offers nothing new in the way of features and it’s APR is 4% higher, but the card is CLEAR.” When she removes that sign, he’s probably like “When’s the last time you’ve asked yourself, ‘What can I, Shelly the bank teller, do to help 1wrestling.com'” And then when he finally leaves the bank, I bet he runs back in, jumps to the front of the line, and hold up one last exit-advertisement. Damn, I’m rambling incoherently, I apologize, but when the alternative is a match of Warlord-Paul Roma like proportions, any escape is a necessary evil. ANYWAY, Gunn slaps on a headlock unlike any headlock I’ve ever seen before. Road Dogg fights out to absolutely ZERO crowd heat, but gets quickly powerslammed back down to the mat. Gunn puts on the reverse chinlock, which is unlike ANY reverse chinlock I have ever seen before. Again Roady Diggity Dogg tries to power out and again he does so with no support from the crowd. AGAIN, Gunn quickly snuffs out the babyface comeback with a swinging neckbreaker. Gunn goes right back to work with the sleeper hold. This sleeper hold is unlike any… alright, it’s played out, I know I know. Both men crash to the mat with the hold still firmly locked on. The referee does the arm-drop thing. Dogg just barely manages to get his arm up at 3, which actually elicits a chorus of boos for obvious reasons. Road Dogg has a second wind and immediately lays it on thick with his whole “Hip-Hoppin’ Redneck Burnout” act. Gunn gets grounded with a big facebuster, followed by the RIDICULOUS dancing punches that Road Dogg loves so much. Gunn gets his foot on the second rope and rolls outside of the ring at the two-count. He grabs the timekeeper’s hammer and rings the bell (puns ROCK!) of Road Dogg. Gunn rolls the lifeless Road Dogg back into the ring and looks around at the crowd as if to confidently say, “I cheated, and I will win right NOW.” Road Hot-Dog Dogg gets his shoulder up at the absolute last NANOsecond. The crowd is all like “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.” Not to be confused with the “OOOOOH” of the Japanese crowds which typically means, “We are impressed with the technical prowess of that leg grapple,” this “OHHHHH” roughly equates to “FUCK!” Gunn is pissed so he whips RD hard into the corner. Gunn comes in with a laughable Stinger Splash type move, highlighted by his wild flailing of his arms and a near-tragic stumble towards the middle of the ring. Gunn realizes that he’s been nice long enough, and no longer puts any value on human life. Gunn takes the tape off of his wrist and CLOBBERS Road Dogg with the deadly adhesive. If the hammer doesn’t work, USE THE TAPE!!! Gunn hits his finishing move which I can’t remember how to spell, so I’m just going to OMIT THE NAME!!! YES!!!! The referee counts the 1,2,3 and we have a WINNER on our hands. The loser: Road Dogg and everyone watching this shit at home.
Eight-Man Tag Team Elimination Match:
The Corporate Ministry vs. The Union
No further mention of Owen Hart’s condition is made and we just act like nothing ever happened. The actual participants of this match are The Acolytes, Viscera, and The Big Bossman vs. Mick Foley, Ken Shamrock, Test, and The Big Show. This match is ridiculously long, has NO heat, and is neither fun nor particularly interesting to watch. For these reasons, plus the fact that this review again is not an actual “review,” but more a look back at the show, I see no reason to write two and a half pages of half-hearted filler to compensate for the long, tedious, boring match. Mick Foley wins, he dances around with a sock on his hand, and the wrestlers all look relieved to be out of the spotlight and able to actually sit down and reflect on what has happened. (159:11).
The Point of No Return:
The camera cuts from the match and immediately turns to Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross, both of whom are looking down at the desk obviously wishing to be anywhere but here at this time.
“Ladies and Gentleman… earlier tonight… here in Kansas City… tragedy befell the World Wrestling Federation and all of us… Owen Hart was set to make an entrance from the ceiling… And he fell.. from the ceiling. And I have the… unfortunate.. responsibility to let everyone know that… that Owen Hart has died. Owen Hart has tragically died from that… accident… here tonight.”
Lawler is at the right of the screen shaking his head in disbelief as we cut to a strange, silent, aerial view of the arena. I put Jim Ross’s historic words into a small sound file, if you’d like to hear it, click here.
Owen Hart: *1965-1999*
RIP
This would be last mention made of Owen Hart for the remaining hour or so of the broadcast. From this tragic announcement, we cut immediately into..
-A promo for the upcoming matchup between Triple H and the Rock is shown. Lots of stuff led up to the match, none of which bear any relevance to primary concern here. Triple H breaks the Rock’s arm in a casket match on Raw (if I recall correctly, please don’t flood with me emails if I am wrong), so the Rock will be wearing the cast tonight.
-Kevin Kelly is in the back with the Rock, and I assume this interview was taped before the Owen Hart fall, as everyone involved seems a little bit more life-like than the understandably mourning wrestlers in the previous promos. Kelly asks Rock about the upcoming match, but is quickly interrupted by Chyna. Chyna mouths off to The Rock, who cleverly replies… “There’s only two things on the menu today. A slap to the face and a Rock Burger.” How does ANYONE find that funny ??? Anyway, the Rock tries to attack Chyna, allowing Triple H to move in from behind for the AMBUSH. Triple H and Chyna do what any heel tandum would do in a situation like this, they take out a pair of safety scissors and cut the cast off of the injured babyface. They don’t really hit or damage the arm, they just remove the cast. Mankind comes in to make the save, but Helmsley beats up Foley too, because HHH has Vince in his back pocket, right “smart” audience ? Foley is thrown head-first into the drums of crude oil that seem to be just laying around backstage at every major sporting arena, and then finish the job with a big steel pipe.
WWF Grudge Match of some sort:
Triple H (w/ Chyna) vs. The Rock
Again, this match just seems irrelevant to what’s really important about this show, but I should at least cover it. So, for my own foolish amusement, I’m gonna recap this match from the perspective of our good friend, Petey the Mark. We’re gonna pretend that Petey the Mark is having a conversation with his good friend, Robby the Rube on Instant Messenger. This could be fun, or it could suck. Either way, I STILL have my self esteem.
Robby the Rube: So Petey, Mom wouldn’t let me order Over the Edge because she just spent too much money getting my roller skates repaired, could you tell me about the ROCKY match ???
Petey the Mark: Yes Robby, it was a GREAT match. Sit back and let me tell you all about it.
Robby the Rube: Thanks Petey, I’m so glad we’re best friends!!!
Petey the Mark: Me too, me too!!!! Anyway Robby, here’s how the match went…
You know, this whole “Petey the Mark” thing just isn’t working, let’s go back to normal and just pretend like this failed experiment never happened, shall we ? Anyway, the Rock comes storming out with his cast magically intact. Oh well, it’s not like Triple H had just cut it off EIGHT seconds ago or anything. The Rock quickly begins working over Triple H with kicks and punches in the People’s Corner. Rocky hits a big clothesline which sends the crowd into a less-than frenzied “Rocky” chant. Triple H is tossed over the top rope and ends up landing quite awkwardly on the ring apron. We then go into our typical outside the ring banter, with each of the major areas touched upon. Jerry Lawler makes a comment about “Triple H being thrown headfirst into the guard rail.” Jim Ross sounds angry and refers to the guard rail as the “retention wall” instead. Ummmmmmmm, ok. The Rock throws Triple H onto the Spanish announce table and rips the headset off of one of the friendly Spaniards. The Rock puts it on and is all like, “This is for The Rock and all of his Latino Speaking friends.. The Rock speaks a little Spanish himself and here it is: The Rock kick-a your monkey Ass-a.” That was just plain CLEVER. Especially the part where he added an “a” to the end of the words, because that’s all Spanish is, eh Rock ? He also alludes to his “Latino-Speaking friends.” Is there an actual Latino language. They probably just add an “m” to the end of every word instead of the “a” that the Spaniards do, right Rock ? Right Buddy ? Triple H grabs Rock’s arm and rams it into the announce table. The Rock’s cast comes off, HARDWAY. Not sure about you guys, but if my cast were to just fall off from minor impact, I would probably find a new doctor. It didn’t come apart or unravel, it just plain fell off. Back inside the ring, Triple H begins kicking the “injured” arm of the Rock as the DVDVR faithful all collectively pop wood and exclaim “PSYCHOLOGY!!!” at the exact same time. Triple H continues working over the arm of The Rock with various arm-intensive holds. This pattern eventually ends with the Rock ducking a Triple H clothesline and hitting the Samoan Drop. We do a bit of old-school Criss-Crossing before the Daddy Mack (Triple H) scores with the knee lift on the Mack-Daddy (The Rock). The action spills outside where Chyna (still in her Uber-Dyke phase) viciously assaults the Rock. Jim Ross is LIVID at the interference, bitching and moaning and screaming up a storm. Triple H works over the Blue-Chipper on the outside, and the decides to move the match back inside. Good call H. The Rock reverses a something or another and lands a DDT for two. The crowd just wants nothing to do with anything other than catch-phrases and finishing holds here tonight, even before the tragic fall occured. Triple H goes back on the offensive himself, working over the injured arm of the Rock for a few more minutes. A devastating armbar serves a double purpose in not only killing the Rock’s injured arm, but also in killing the crowd!!! YES!!! Both men kinda run out of things to do, so they’re all like “LETS GO BACK OUTSIDE AND PLAY!” Mom agrees, but makes them promise that they’ll be home by dinner. Triple H rams the arm of the Rock repeatedly into the UNFORGIVING Steel Post. Michael Cole sprints out from the back with his microphone to question the steel post as to the status of its forgiveness policy. The post declines comment, as do the ring steps, but not before giving a look to Cole which just screams, “NO FORGIVENESS!” Jim Ross is IRATE at HHH’s brutality, going as far as to inform us that Triple H is “showing NO Sercice.” I have NO f*cking idea what “sercice” means, and I seriously doubt that the WWF’s target audience does either, but let’s all just nod like we know exactly what the strange noun means and continue like it never happened. The Rock reverses a Triple H hammerlock into a Rock Bottom attempt, but Triple H is coy enough to reverse the Bottom into a DDT. Triple H grabs a chair from the outside, brings it into the ring, and winds up to blast the third-generation Samoan over the head. Earl Hebner is all like “W-W-Wait a minute!!! You can’t break the rules!!!” Triple H is all like “Well… maybe you’re right….. BAM!!!” Triple H plasters old Earl “I either sold my soul to Vince McMahon for half a million dollars or Dave Meltzer has incorrectly ruined my good name” Hebner with a closed fist. Hebner calls for the DQ as the crowd lets out the collective groan that has become commonplace here tonight. What a f*cking stupid way to end the match. The Rock grabs the chair and fights back with one arm. Triple H is blasted over the head, to which JR SCREECHES, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT A SHOT!!!!” This was borderline comical to listen to in a time when anything slightly comical should have brought a smile to home viewers faces for obvious reasons. In a admittedly funny moment, Earl Hebner recovers, tries to raise the arm of the victorious Rock, and ends up getting KO’d by the babyface as well. The angry Rock beats Triple H’s ass all over the ring, stopping only to hit him with a plastic oscillating fan. I hear it hurts more if it oscillates. Back inside the ring the Rock hits the Rock Bottom and sets Triple H up for the People’s Elbow. Up until this point, this entire match has been one big train-wreck of disinterest, but as soon as Rocky signals for the Rock Bottom, the crowd goes CRAZY. The Really Tan guy with the surgically enhanced breasts goes for the Elbow, but is stopped by the well-hung testosterone-factory-of-a-woman Chyna. The Rock turns his attention to Queen Nutsack and starts chasing her around. Triple H is all like “His back is turned!! WE TRICKED HIM!!!” and grabs the chair again. Mick Foley runs out with a steel pipe to make the save as the crowd DIES the instant they realize that the People’s Elbow will not be realized on this warm May evening. (342:34)
-We cut immediately to an amazing video package highlighting the AWESOME Ministry of Darkness (backslash Corporate Ministry) angle. Say what you want about the corniness, but at least the entire angle built towards MATCHES and PAYOFFS. That’s something that has been sorely lacking lately. As cheesy as the whole thing was, I really enjoyed the whole Ministry of Darkness thing and wouldn’t mind seeing the Taker return to his evil roots.
WWF World Heavyweight Championship Match:
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin (c) vs. The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer)
– Shane McMahon makes his way out to the ring to a decidedly non-existent reaction. This is ’99, so he’s not really dancing yet unfortunately. I rewound the tape just to make sure I didn’t miss him doing his cutting edge dance routines, but alas, no luck. Pat Patterson makes his way out to the shock of roughly no one to take the place of Vince McMahon as the second referee. Shane pushes Patterson and receives a bitch-slap right across the face for his downright mean actions. The lights go out, Taker’s music hits, and the crowd goes CRAZY. Actually, maybe not crazy, but they crowd cheers WILDLY. Ok, maybe not wildly, but a few of them are like, “You… You … YOU SUCK!!!” The Taker is kicking the full dead man gear tonight, which is AWESOME. He’s got the big winged cape thing which rocks the party in more ways than one. The Evil-Taker needs to come back to the WWF soon. Jim Ross throws out a new one, saying that the Undertaker is “colder than a Mother-in-Law’s embrace.” Taker chokeslams Pat Patterson before his decidedly-evil music even stops playing. The crowd is all like, “…………………..” The glass breaks, Austin’s music hits, and the crowd legitimately goes BANANAS. The results are back from the lab, and it’s been confirmed that the crowd noise did in fact reach the “bananas” plateau. We cover the full spectrum of punches and kicks before Taker lands a punishing elbow to the back of Austin’s head. Austin retaliates with an equally punishing elbow of his own, grounding the zombie momentarily. In a rather uncharacteristic move, Austin ascends to the top rope and comes flying off with a clothesline for two. Austin sticks the Taker in the corner and does the oh-so-fresh corner “stomp the mudhole dry” thing. These are some SLOWWWWWWW stomps too. Between each stomp, Austin is stopping to give the evil Shan-O-Mac the middle finger. The Calloused Mark no-sells the kicks and begins FLOGGING Austin in the opposite corner. The next 3 or 4 minutes go a little something like this… PUNCH! KICK! PUNCH! KICK! PUNCH! KICK!!! Believe me folks, it’s as heated as it sounds. Taker drops a few elbows to the knee of Austin before going right to work with a knee-bar on Austin’s injured wheel. The DVDVR boys get tears in their eyes and emotionally jot down a few notes in their La Park legal pads about the gorgeous in-ring PSYCHOLOGY. No wonder they had to don masks and take each other to the prom. Austin reverses the hold, does some damage on the Taker’s leg, and starts going to work on the injured wheel of the Evil MONSTER. The DVDVR boys are SOBBING their eyes out at this masterful turn of events which left Austin working the leg of the Taker. Both men get to their feet to resume the “brawling” aspect of this match. The match spills to the outside where Austin throws the Undertaker head-first into the UNFORGIVING steel steps. Michael Cole runs out with his silly little microphone to try to get a comment on the situation, but the steps turn their nose up, as if to say, “We are much too good to even CONSIDER any form of an apology.” At least they are consistent… For the next few minutes, the match goes inside and outside and inside and outside, with the sole focus being on the “brawling” aspect. Paul Bearer gets in the way along the line and ends up getting knocked out by Austin. The crowd is all like “AUSTIN RULES!!!” and the PTC is all like “Get this guy off television, he’s a bad influence” and the kids are all like “Fuck that shit, Austin’s a f*cking bad ass” and The PTC is all like “did you hear what those kids just said” and the parents are all like “We know what our kids are watching” and the PTC is all like “Fuck that shit, you have no idea what kinda foul shit goes on during the course of RAW. During each episode, approximately 342,234,234 penis jokes are made, YES penis jokes,” and the parents are all like “Fuck that shit, our kids know what a penis is, you no-good cunts,” and then the crowd is all like “AUSTIN! AUSTIN! AUSTIN!” The Taker regains the advantage and sets Austin up for the tombstone, but Austin slips over the top of the Taker to make the escape. Austin clotheslines the Taker over the top rope and we got more captivating “wild brawling” on the outside. Such innovative spots as the “ringpost spot,” “announce table spot” and “steel steps spot” are utilized. Back inside the ring, we get a really cool, original sequence (“spot” for you internet smarts out there). Austin sends Taker into the ropes for the Thesz press, but gets caught and Spinebusted into the GROUND. Shane McMahon pulls the Taker back for some reason which doesn’t fit into the context of the match at all, but it gives Paul Bearer the perfect opportunity to unload on Austin with his DANGEROUS PENNY LOAFER. I feel like a dork using a term like “penny loafer” but I’ll be damned if you can’t actually see a f*cking PENNY in Bearer’s shoe. I think if there’s only one thing we can agree on, it’s the fact that coin-filled shoes are decidedly HEELISH. Both men make their way up the ramp and end up fighting near the entranceway. The Undertaker goes to punch Austin but misses and ends up punching right through the dangerous SUGAR-GLASS. I hope there’s no red ants around, or else the Taker will be in DEFINITE trouble. Austin runs the Taker headfirst through another sheet of the hazardous, yet surprisingly tasty, glassy substance. We get another solid FIVE minutes of punching and kicking and kicking and kicking. The crowd is all like, “…………………………..” Back inside the ring, Austin lands an elbowdrop off the second rope and goes for the cover. He should have the three-count, but Shane stops at two and refused to continue counting. Austin is pissed and the crowd is all like “BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT.” Taker gets pushed by Austin into Shane-O-Mac, conveniently KO’ing him and allowing Austin to find a steel chair who’s purpose was not one of relaxation or comfortable leisure-time lounging. This leisure-time furniture is instead used to WALLOP the long-dead heel over the head with. Austin makes the cover, but Shane is out cold. Jerry Brisco runs out to make the count, because its not like Austin just hit the Taker over the head with a CHAIR or anything. Taker sits straight up and knocks out Brisco. The crowd starts in with a MASSIVE “HBK” chant. Vince is all like, “They seem to be chanting for HBK, but what they REALLY want is ME.” Vince hobbles out to sell the earlier ankle injury. Austin goes for the Stunner, but Taker escapes. Both men clothesline each other and we’ve got a double KO on our hands. The crowd gets uneasy around 8 when neither man has moved. In a silly little spot, both men SPRING up at 9 and start pounding the shit out of each other. Austin ends up stunning the Undertaker for 1, 2, NOO!!! Shane pulls Vince out of the ring, pushes the Taker on top of Austin, and makes a LIGHTNING quick three-count to give the Taker the win AND the belt. Shane grabs the belt and dances with it as the crowd sits in stunned silence. Austin is PISSED and takes his hostilities out on the new champ. The Corporate Ministry runs to the ring to make the save, but one by one Austin destroys them. Way to build strength for your undercard boys!!! Anyway, no PPV could end without a closing shot of Vince McMahon, so we get our riveting glimpse of the sick old bastard as the show goes off the air. (0:45)
-NO mention of Owen Hart is made from the time of the announcement until the time that the show goes off the air. NOTHING at the end of the show. That’s just TASTELESS.
On the Continuation of Over the Edge ’99:
This show should have STOPPED the moment that Owen Hart was pronounced dead. There is no absolutely no f*cking reason to continue this show other than out of selfish, tasteless reasons. What other major sport would continue a game if one of the players suddenly dropped dead on the field. NONE. ZERO. Imagine the effect that a situation like this would have had on the poor patrons in attendance at this show, especially the children. I cannot imagine anything more horrifying than seeing a human being who you were familiar and accustomed to drop from the CEILING of a giant arena and crash head-first into the top turnbuckle. The show should have ended, bottom line. I’d like to give Vince the benefit of the doubt though as far as this situation goes. There must have been a million and one things going through his head regarding the tragic accident, and it would be hard for ANY man to have a decision such as the decision that Vince was faced with regarding the continuation of the show. Did Vince make the most appropriate decision regarding the show ? Of course not. Is Vince a morally reprehensible person for continuing on with the show at a time like this. NO. As sad as it is, there were people in the arena and countless people watching on PPV television who undoubtedly said, “That really is a tragedy… what match is next.” If Tyson-Holyfield II would have been canceled because a boxer in the undercard was killed during his fight, there would be a LOT of pissed off people, as tragic as that is. If Jim Ross was the one responsible for continuing the show, the internet would probably be singing a moderately different tune. As is the motto in the entertainment business, “The show must go on.” What would I have done in this situation ? A VERY tough call. One thing is for sure though, anybody who uses the “Owen would have wanted the show to continue” line is a f*cking idiot. It’s a matter of weighing the decision to proceed with the decision to cancel. The decision is a complicated intertwining of moral, ethical, and business thought processes which ultimately must be made in either direction. Owen’s wishes had NOTHING to do with the decision. To sum up this big complicated rambling session, Vince McMahon is not Satan for continuing this show. He was a desperate man with a VERY difficult decision to make. On one hand he had millions of people watching the show live, on PPV, at Sport Bars, or whatever, and MANY of them wanted the show to continue so that they could have their fun. That’s not to say that they didn’t feel awful about the death of Owen Hart, but they paid for the show and they wanted to see it. On the other hand, you had the difficult ethical decision of whether or not to stop the show. The fact that Owen’s blood was all over the canvas and the fact that there was an actual HOLE in the ring near the corner that was created by Owen’s fall certainly would aid in that decision, but again, it’s a very very tough decision, and one that the internet has been far too quick to pass judgment on. It’s really easy to pass judgment from behind your I-Mac and to be like, “Vince should have stopped the show,” but the actual decision was much tougher than that.
On the Owen Hart RAW:
Again, a very tough decision that is the absolute EPITOME of a “no win” situation. Vince had three choices…
1. Cancel Raw out of respect for Owen Hart: In theory, this would seem to be a very strong candidate as far as decisions go, but in reality this would do nothing more than cost the WWF millions of dollars from advertisers, ticket holders, and potential viewers. Probably the best decision as far as properness goes, but too bad of a business decision to be a viable option.
2. Have a short tribute to Owen to begin the show and then move on as normal. Again, maybe a viable option, but the tragedy was already blowing up in the media and a WWF downplay of the situation might be enough to piss even more people off.
3. Hold the live Owen Hart memorial RAW. I personally feel that the WWF did a good job with the Owen Hart memorial RAW, but it’s really tough to say whether or not Vince saw ratings gold in the concept so decided to go full speed ahead with it. If that was his goal, he succeeded admirably, bringing in nearly a MILLION more viewers than normal and popping a tremendous 7.2 rating.
Vince had a tough decision to make here too, and I think he made the right one if, and ONLY if, his heart was in the right place with the tribute. Some of the interview segments with the wrestlers were really touching, while some of them did seem unfortunately scripted. Pat Patterson especially came across as putting on an act. At the end of his interview, he turns to someone and says, “Is that good enough?” Mark Henry had some VERY touching words for Owen, as did Jeff Jarrett, Debra, Triple H, and Chyna.
To close things off, I do feel strongly about one thing… this tragic accident was NOT the fault of Vince McMahon, and anyone who believes that is just trying to scapegoat someone or something for an unfortunate, devastating ACCIDENT. It was an ACCIDENT. Owen Hart had performed the stunt before and no one had a gun to his head forcing him to do it. Vince McMahon put his faith in hands of PROFESSIONALS, and if anyone can be blamed for the accident, it’s these professionals who were flown in from Florida for the sole purpose of ENSURING Owen’s safety. That’s the bottom line. If a piece of the lighting fixtures were to have fallen off during the PPV and killed Wrestler X, would Vince McMahon be the one to blame. NO. The fortunate fact of the matter is that Owen Hart is no longer with us. That can NEVER be changed. There is no reason to point out who is a murderer and who was responsible because deep down in their hearts, the responsible parties have to live with their involvement in Owen’s death for the rest of their lives. God had bigger plans for Owen Hart somewhere else. If my saying that offends you, I don’t really give a damn. It’s been over two years, but please try to keep Owen’s wife and children in your prayers. While the “internet” had their week of mourning before resuming their usual bitch-fest about lack of clean finishes or bad angles or so and so not getting a push, Owen’s wife and children have to wake up each morning to an emptier house. They don’t forget as quickly as we all do. Owen’s wife will never have her husband in bed beside her again and Owen’s children will never have a Daddy to come home too. They are the ones who are true victims of this tragedy and they are the ones who will never be the same again.
Looking back on the memory of
The Dance we shared, beneath the stars above
For a moment, all the world was right
How could I have known, that you’d ever say goodbye
And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Or lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance
Holding you, I held everything
For a moment, wasn’t I the king
But if I’d only known, how the king would fall
Hey who’s to say, I might have changed at all
And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Or lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance
My life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I’d of had to miss the dance
Owen Hart 1965-1999
RIP
-Well, thanks for reading through this lengthy article guys, I appreciate it. I know I said I was gonna try away from the infantile humor, but after the fall the show was just borderline uncomfortable to watch, so that I had to resort to something to keep me sane. I’m kind of in limbo right now as to what direction I’m going to be going in with reviews. A lot of people seemed to be liking the Clash reviews, but Keith and Cole have been doing the Clash shows lately too, so maybe I’ll try something else. As always, I’m open for any suggestions are far as tape reviews go, so let me know if you’ve got something in mind. I promise I’ll be back sooner this time, maybe as early as this coming week. Finals are over with on Tuesday, so I’ll be a nice, stress-free guy from there on out. As always, drop me an email if you have any comments, questions, concerns, insults, etc… I love hearing from the readers and want desperately to be YOUR friend :) I’ll see you guys in the near future with another review.
Love,
