A Wrestling News Report 1.03.02

Happy New Year. My God, I had the most embarrassing New Year’s Eve party this year. Me and a bunch of my friends were going to this big party at the Crazy Moose Salon on Long Island. So all of my friends call me up and ask me, “Josh, should we wear our 411wrestling tee-shirts?” And like an idiot, I said, “No guys. Just wear whatever you want.” And they said, “But we want to wear our 411wrestling tee-shirts.” So I said, “Fine! Wear it then.” So we get to the party, and wouldn’t you know it? I was the only person not wearing a 411wrestling tee-shirt! I was ostracized from the celebration. I felt like sobbing, but I just couldn’t. I don’t have the tear ducts. Anyway, don’t let what happened to me happen to you. Get your 411wrestling tee-shirt today!

Also, I saw that I was nominated for columnist of the year at thesmarks.com along with Eric S. and Ken Anderson. We proudly represent this website, although the whole thing is made for Scott to congratulate himself. That’s okay, we do it here too. So even though I’m going to lose to Keith, a fine writer, by a mile, you know what’s awesome? I’m nominated for the same award as Dead Hyatte, but more importantly, The Honky Tonk Man. That’s just so goddamned cool, to see your name on the same list as the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time.

You’ll get them next year Danny B. Everyone vote for Danny B. for columnist of the year over here at the 411 Self Congratulatory Awards of Excellence.

NEWS!!!

I HAVE NO FANS

Oh, Flea has fans. Flea asks for tickets to RAW in Orlando, everyone jumps! I ask for tickets to RAW or Smackdown at Madison Square Garden next week, and I get one e-mail from an idiot and no offers. You’ve made Widro sob like a three year old girl! Come on guys, if you got some extras, spread the wealth. I can now throw in a 411wrestling.com tee-shirt. Send me an e-mail if you’d like to help a poor web journalist out by taking him and his webmaster to RAW or Smackdown. You would not be forgotten. You’d be like Jesus, but not all religious and stuff. Please, contact me if you can get me tickets. Ain’t too proud to beg. I hardly ever get free stuff, and I’d like to take Widro. Please.

Oh, someone from the site said he had an extra ticket, and that’s cool. But I kind of told my younger brother that you guys came through for Flea and would come through for me. I guess it’s easier to get free tickets in Orlando then in New York. It’s all good.

SMACKDOWN SPOILERS (THE MADE UP KIND)

Smackdown will be live this week, but that didn’t stop Rajah from providing the spoilers for this week’s show. Let’s ruin it, shall we?

Kevin Nash comes out at the beginning for an interview and the place erupts. No, literally, it turns out the arena had been built on an active volcano. Thousands die. In an attempt to calm the crowd, Big Kev grabs the mike and says, “YOU KNOWWWWW ” Kevin Nash then talks for an hour and a half about how to avoid the lava and to heal lava burns before the mighty volcano swallows him whole. As his body slowly melts, he makes a wolf pac sign with his gloved hand. It is the last thing we see before he is gone forever.

In the last half an hour, Stone Cold chases Booker T. into a hospital cancer ward. Hilarity ensues when the Big Bossman shows up to taunt The Big Show’s dying uncle.

Heat spoilers were also taped. Jericho faces and kind of jobs to while beating Crash Holly, and Christian makes out with Molly Holly. I don’t get the angle. Also, No Doubt makes a special appearance as the lava.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

The WWA does not have Hall and Nash coming to appear on their pap per view show. The blame has to be placed somewhere, and I place it on the shoulders of Commissioner Bret Hart. Way to do your job, idiot. 1bob.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash is saying that he is this close to signing a deal with the WWF. | | That close.

Vince took the Hardyz off of television because he was JEALOUS!

Bob reports that the split has been pushed back to the 21st. Just remember other successful splits show why this is such a good idea, like Van Halen and Germany.

Junk news! Whazzah!

NEW Bi-WEEKLY OR MAYBE WEEKLY OR POSSIBLY MONTHLY EDITORIAL

I’m able to tell fiction stories with my A Wrestling Tale, but I’m very rarely able to talk with you about what is going on with wrestling. I make jokes here, but you don’t see how I truly feel. Let’s explore that place right now. This week’s topic: Kevin Nash.

Kevin Nash is a huge guy. He will be fed Kane and the Big Show but job to the Rock and Triple H. He has a beard. His tights used to say The Outsiders on them. Kevin Nash liked to make jokes. He seemed very relaxed. Sometimes at night I wake up in fear, screaming the name NASH! I assume this has more to do with my fear of Don Johnson then Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash is a good friend. He tries to get good things for his drunken, broken or untalented friends and usually succeeds. Kevin Nash smells funny. Kevin Nash should get down on his knees and thank God for giving him life. Kevin probably doesn’t eat too many wooden objects, which leads me to believe that Kevin Nash is not a beaver. Kevin Nash has spent the last few months growing, especially his gut. I love you Kevin Nash. You’re my best friend ever.

That was this week’s new bi-weekly or maybe weekly or possibly monthly editorial.

Oh, by the way, they’re not going to find what they’re looking for in Kevin or Scott or Triple H. They need to make new stars.

TOMMY FIERRO: I THINK HE’S DUMB, BUT AT LEAST HE’S POLITE TO ME ONLINE

He has a new newsletter that’s coming out. Rather then come up with an opinion on the man and his yet to be published newsletter, I will leave it to Eric S. This is not a parody. This is Eric S. on Tommy Fierro, unless he decided not to do it. If not, I will post a short poem below and he’ll do it tomorrow.

My hamster is so angry

When he runs around in his cage

He spins his wheel with sadness

He spins his wheel with rage. (Sorry, he didn’t do it.)

Also, I’ll let you, the reader, form your own opinion on Tommy Fierro and send it in to me. I’ll publish what you think of him tomorrow. The few things of his that I’ve read have not been intellectually stimulating, but this is professional wrestling. I think the real geniuses are studying math and stuff.

Send in your thoughts on him tomorrow. That’s it.

PLUGGLEUPUGUS

The Joker’s Spot has Steve making his picks in the 411 ballot. I got a small shout out, but it seamed like an afterthought. Oh well. I tell you guys what, if I win I’ll parade that award around like I was Owen Hart with a Slammy. Besides that, I don’t get anything anyway. I’m proud of my work and don’t need awards to feel justified. Maybe the Pulitzer one day.

Oh, and you can vote here. I can’t believe there was a best 411 Webmaster category. Man, I tell you guys what! Tomorrow, if I have time or am sober enough to remember, I’ll have the first annual Joshua Grutman awards of excellence in the field of wrestling internet writing. Everyone will get one. I’ll probably forget.

Also, I should have a new one up soon.

The Mean of the top ten matches this year? #1- Shark Boy vs. Preppy Parks. Odd.

Widro can plug something here. I don’t care what. Let’s do some me and Carlos and Flea.

ME AND CARLOS

VPJG: What’s up Carlos?

camahuad: not much not much, just woke up and had me some hot cakes

VPJG: What time is it there?

VPJG: Time for hotcakes?

camahuad: 4 30

VPJG: Wow. So, how your New Year’s eve?

camahuad: it was …. nice. Didnt do much. Stayed at home with the family, actually watched most of raw

VPJG: You didn’t kiss a family member when the ball dropped, did you?

camahuad: Hell no.

VPJG: All alone again. I had someone to kiss. That made me happy. Just a random girl.

VPJG: I’m not saying I’m better then you.

camahuad: But you’re implying it

VPJG: Implication is the mother of all assumption.

camahuad: Couldn’t think of a witty reply, so I will now seamlesly change the subject without you noticing.

camahuad: I didn’t get a nomination for best column!!!

camahuad: You’re gonna win hands down anyways.

VPJG: Well, heh heh, I don’t deserve it. The best column of this year was obviously The Main Event.

camahuad: I only wrote one though. I’ll be pissed if the top ten list wins though.

VPJG: Leave Danny B alone!

VPJG: The man is a saint.

VPJG: Besides, there’s also the Mean and Another Thing

camahuad: Who he save?

camahuad: Hyatte sucks, and he’s dead.

camahuad: Morse is cool though

VPJG: So? Hollywood gives dead people awards.

camahuad: But as I told widro this morning, I dont do this for the glory.

VPJG: Oh, you’re still talking with Widro?

camahuad: I do it for the money and the poon

VPJG: I thought we weren’t talking with Widro anymore.

camahuad: Of course, it give my life meaning

camahuad: I do, when he’s around. Quietly though.

camahuad: Hey! Ken Anderson didnt get a nomination!

VPJG: Widro hates us all you know.

VPJG: Ken Anderson wrote like 2 things.

camahuad: Its a loving spite though

camahuad: Plus, he’s cute, I saw a picture

VPJG: No, Widro told me that sometimes he wishes I’d just die.

VPJG: Wait! Not me.

VPJG: You. He wishes you would just die.

camahuad: Sumbitch!

ME AND FLEA

Ryder Fakin: BUY THE T-SHIRT!

VPJG: You buy the t-shirt. I don’t shill for nobody.

Ryder Fakin: c’mon…be a team playa!

VPJG: Well, I’m not going to buy one.

VPJG: Sell it to me.

Ryder Fakin: sure…..I’m waiting for the freebie

VPJG: No, sell me the shirt.

VPJG: Like, sell it to me. Explain why I should buy it.

VPJG: Flea?

Ryder Fakin: you should buy the shirt because it will benefit not only the READERS! who not only will have one chance in their miserable lives to look cool but will have a FREE SITE WITH NO POP UP’S to come too…and buy helping that cause you in a circuitous way can help Superstar Billy Graham. If I get paid from this gig I will donate my liver to him.

VPJG: But Superstar Billy Graham ran over my dog. Then he back up over him. I’m not getting that man anything.

Ryder Fakin: yeah, f*ck him…that was a weak sell. I’ll never forget him coming out to “Kung Fu Fighting” at the Eddie Graham Sports Complex when I was young…RIGHT THEN is when I realized wrasslin is fake

VPJG: You know what’s real? Love. Wrestling may be fake, but the love is real.

Ryder Fakin: if you spell love backwards and buy a vowel it becomes EVIL!

VPJG: So, if you spell Dog backwards it becomes God. That’s why I worship my basset hound.

Ryder Fakin: I thought Graham ran over him? twice

VPJG: Did I say dog? I meant younger brother. Graham ran over my younger brother twice.

VPJG: I get the two confused all the time.

Ryder Fakin: should have been cousin ROSS….OY VEY !!!!

VPJG: That is still so not funny.

Later.