A Wrestling News Report 1.04.02

Last night it was 1 a.m. and I suddenly realized that I had not gone out, I had no girlfriend and I was worried about whether or not the Hardy Boyz, with a z, were going to be off of television for six weeks. Then Widro told me that he was taking up snowboarding and I forgot all about it.

Just for clarification, I don’t want anyone to give up their tickets to Raw or Smackdown next week at MSG. I’m looking for people with connections or extra tickets. However, that does not seem to be happening. I got a letter from someone who told me about how to get cancelled tickets, so maybe I’ll do that. Anyway, it’s all good.

Now then, I’m going to be somewhat negative in this report. Not only do I have some things to say about Kevin Nash, but I’ve invited Eric S. to tell me what he thinks about Tommy Fierro at the bottom. The man had a lot to say. There will also be the jokes and the whatnot.

NEWS!!!

KEVIN NASH IS OLD AND USELESS

1bob has been all over this story from the beginning . Yesterday the WWA dropped out of the bidding war for Kevin Nash, and he has apparently signed with the WWF despite what his website has to say.

So, it would seem that this Monday Dx or something resembling Dx is going to be reformed with the return of HHH and Kevin Nash. The WWF should be putting together an elite stable right now, but it should not revolve around the Klique or wolfpack or whatever. They should be sowing the seeds for a new 4 Horsemen with Jericho as the leader. The return of Kevin Nash will ruin that.

Kevin Nash was never the best wrestler, and now he’s old. The man is, if I’m not mistaken, past 40 and still acting like he’s 16. He’s never been the best wrestler, and he seemed to be decomposing during the end of his tenure in WCW. While the Natural Born Thrillers did seem to give him a little bit of life, his lazy wrestler gimmick killed that for me. The man is a good interview and the worst WWF champion of quite possibly all time. He had good matches with his friends and Bret Hart and no one else.

This is not Diesel showing up on Nitro and changing wrestling. This is not the Diesel, who in the best interview of all time in my opinion, told fans he would only slap hands that had a black glove on. This is a Diesel who should have lost all credibility with the fans. This is a man who had Hulk Hogan type power backstage without Hulk Hogan’s ring skills, which is not a compliment for Hulk Hogan. This is a guy who will be ruining the main events of pay per views in the near future once again.

All that being said, I can’t wait to mark out for him the first time he shows up. It’ll be good to see him back. Hey, he gave my favorite interview of all time. I might not want to see the man fighting the Undertaker, but I’d like to hear what he has to say.

SMACKDOWN STUFF. Thoughts as it happens or until I go out. But I’m also taping it. This is not a recap. Read this while reading CRZ’s recap or something

Tazz seemed to be very convincing saving Spike, even if the crowd didn’t really buy it. Tazz’s pyro isn’t that big that it should create that much smoke, is it? They blew the ending, Bubba didn’t really look ready.

Jazz as Joe Pesci. Not buying it. Lillian should yell some Mexican curses at her. I love that.

15 minute interview time! Yay! As Vince walks to the ring, I’m thinking that the WWF could really benefit from a Greek chorus. They’d sum this up in 3 minutes while he stood there. 20 minutes interview with all the whats. Is he going to diss on Rudy? I don’t mind so much. Oh God. That’s just distasteful. Right in front of the NYC skyline and everything. Idiot. You know, my lights make the same sound when I shut them off. Oh, he’s doing God and all that. That’s hilarious. GASP! STONE COLD SNUCK UP IN THE DARK? Never saw it coming. Bet he’s the jackass of the year. I was right. Do gums flap? Hey, they just walked out there. That was nice and calm. BOSSMAN HAS A MIKE! Oh, he didn’t say anything. Damn. It was a weapon. There’s something really dumb about all of this. I kind of miss the talking and the lights out and what not. Sure, it was an old fashioned beat down, but it was really boring.

I’m meeting my friend for coffee at 9:30. I need to leave at 9:10. I have no car because of problems with the registration. I just forgot. I’ll tape the rest I guess. God, I’m not going to finish this thing until 4 am or something.

I love seeing what happened moments ago. It reminds me of my youth.

See, I’m weird. Some people have a thing for Stacey or Torrie or Trish. I think that Molly is the hottest girl in the federation and I love her breasts. Gimmicks. Gimmick. I love her gimmick. Oh yeah, Jazz’s music makes me feel funky. Jazz got up pretty high on that leg drop. It’s music from a 70’s porno film. That should be symbolic of something. Jazz wins! She should have destroyed Molly.

That security guy so looks like an indy wrestler who’ll never make it.

I’d like to see Enya make a pay per view theme song.

4 HORSEMEN! HOLY CRAP ON A STICK! Sure, I’d personally replace Test with Kane, but this is so on the money.

Undertaker looks younger. It looks like he tried to get rid of his goatee but failed horribly. You know what would be great and start a feud? Undertaker comes up to Edge or something and says, “You think you’re better then me?” And Edge replies, “That’s what Sara says.” Instant heat.

Has Torrie been losing weight? Well, Tajiri is going to fight Test. Should be short.

HAHAHAHA! Some mom treated pink eye with glue. HAHAHA! Idiot mom. Sure, my mom treated my nose bleeds with a clamp, but this woman was just dumb.

Lugz is rocking the street with the Undertaker! If anything say urban, it’s the Undertaker. OH! I see what happened. The Undertaker’s goattee tried to escape to The Big Show’s face. It did not go well on either men. That was a cute bit to start. Undertaker the cowardly heel. I like the sound of that. Why throw the weapons to the Undertaker? HE’S BEGGING OFF! THE UNDERTAKER BEGGED OFF! FU FU FU!!!!! WHAT A MOVE! HE DOVE! Man, Show is fat again. He’s like the Rikki Lake of wrestling. Oh God the steel step spot looked fake. It looked so fake. Still, this match has psychology, so it’s about a billion times better then it had any right to be. Taker care of business. That is so damn stupid. I’ll leave after the tag match.

Oh my God. King is mocking Buffy no he’s not. Hey, security guy! Wacky stuff with Steff and Dudley something. Oh my God. HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA! That was brilliant. Really, really good stuff. A face security guard who can be gay and still be kind of cool. Vince, if that guy is an independent wrestler, hire him. That came off really, really well.

I liked the bit with the belts, torturing the kids. I don’t feel like leaving this show. I don’t know why, but I’m kind of upset I’m going to miss some of this show. Screw it, I need to go. I’ll record it and finish this later. Hopefully I won’t be drunk.

It’s 1:30 and I’m drunk. Time for the tag team match. Swear I ain’t fakin. I ain’t Ryder Fakin. Flea rules. Fast forwarding through Smackdown. My vcr rewinds when it reaches the end. Hey, Spike screwed up the spot again, but faster. Lillian is hot. Why’d I tape the interview? Do I have common sense? I know the stupid fans don’t. What? What? What? SHUT UP AND LET THE SHOW BE ENJOYED! SAY IT WHEN STONE COLD AND BOOKER T GIVE AN INTERVIEW. God, do the Rocky Horror fans throw toast at the screen the entire show? Well, that’s done now. MMMM, Molly. Ugh, Jazz. Hey, Charles Robison is the ref. Did they ever explain that? Steph and the gay guy in the first sketch. That relationship will so not work out. Her and HHH. NEW HORSEMEN RULE! I didn’t tape the sketch where he said he was gay. Test and Torrie. She has a nice smile. Well it’s the big show! I liked the bit where he tried to ride his motorcycle away. I should watch all Big Show matches on fast forward. Big Show has nice titties. Here we go. Time to press play.

Cole said Edge kicked Angle in the chin. Goddamned liar. RVD is incredible. Ross is an idiot. Hey, the Good Guys are on the wrong side of the ring. Someone screwed up. Somebody has a JJ sign in the front row. HEY, IT’S JEFF JARRETT! No, it’s some shmuck. Nice to see Edge slowly moving up. FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH TO THE GROIN! You know what would be awesome? Neither do I. I tried to think of something and failed. I haven’t written a drunken report in so long. Man, Jericho jobs without jobbing to everyone. They tried this with Angle. I wanna fast forward through the replays. Had to rewind because

FL:AIR AND ARN! Oh, Flair has hired Kev. Kevin is coming in as a face. He’ll turn on Flair at the Rumble. So predictable. Now I need to fast forward through commercials. Arn should declare himself president of something. Ha. Stupid mom with her glue. I fast forwarded to Flair in the ring.

WOOO! MONKEYS! STRAWBERRY! WOOO! You know what would be cool? Put Flair in an asylum. Have him go mad with power and eat someone like Spike Dudley. This interview is going nowhere. The Titan Tower is not made of ivory. It’s getting a little better. He’s still no Foley on the mike. OH GOD! Not her. How’d she get by flame boy the flaming? FIRE THE FAG! Heh. Funny line by the king. She’s wearing a choker. Man, this interview has gone to hell. Let’s talk about sex. I want to have sex constantly, but it’s hard when I’m on the computer and there are no women around. I WANT WOMEN! I WANT SHELLIE! I LOVE YOU SHELLIE! SCREW STEPH! YOU DA BOMB, SHELL!. This report is getting long. Man, bring in the Greek Chorus! Just bring them in and have them stand there. I usually dance at business meetings also. Hey, the Game is going to begin! The Game called get Stephanie on television 11 times during Raw. Fast forward through commericials.

I’m going to erase the Tommy responses. No offense to you guys, thanks for writing. This is just really getting long. I tell you what. You five, you know who you are. Send me something you’d like published next Wednesday. It can be about anything. I’ll put it at the end. No more then two paragraphs though. Once again, sorry.

Test and Tajiri. I’ll fast forward through this. It’s done. Everything I thought would happen happened.

Bossman gives an interview to get over McMahon. Wow, let’s imply Nash a little more, shall we? This show was so much more fun before I left. New catch phrase? Who? How about why? Why is such a good question for some of this crap. Commercials and Triple H video. It will be a beautiful day when he returns and three women pleasure me simultaneously.

Rock won’t be bad to a brother, will he? Yes he will. He’s so cruel. What’s wrong with Barry Manilow? Will Coach sing? Aw man, Rock is going to insult Coach for singing.HAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! THE MIKE BROKE! THE ROCK F-ED UP! HAHAHAHAHA! The entire interview is destroyed. The entire interview. It’s as f-ed up as his stupid movie, if I understand correctly. Rock should cut it short, but he won’t. Who is the Rock looking at? I think he’s looking at all of the people cracking up on the production staff. Rock is going to get all angry when this is done and say, WIRELESS MIKES! WIRELESS FROM NOW ON!

Screw the last match. I’ll watch it later. Let’s fast forward it and stuff. I’m sure it’s good and Keith will give it a star and a half. MCMAHON MOVES QUICKLY IN FAST FORWARD! FLAIR! LOTS O CRAP! ROCK WINS! BOSSMAN COMES IN! I stop fast forwarding. So is Austin coming or Nash or what? Nope, referees. Ah, here Steve comes. Heels still beating down, and it ends that way! Will Kevin Nash save the faces? Well, for a few weeks. I smell terrible Raw main event.

Wow, that was long. And this is why I don’t do recaps. Never expect this kind of effort ever again.

QUICK PLUGS

Sorry, no junk news. Flea’ll have you covered or go to the news board. I worked hard today. Oh, there’s only me to plug. Plug me and three other people, Widro. 1. 2. 3. Thanks. And thank you for reading.

ERIC S HATE TOMMY FIERRO

And now, Eric S, who received an e-mail from Tommy Fierro yesterday.

The mere thought of Tommy Fierro joining the Torch and the Observer with a snail-mail newsletter is hysterical enough to begin with. But, for God’s sake, how did I wind up on Tommy Fierro’s “please plug me” list? Obviously, the guy doesn’t read my column. In the past, I’ve called him a no-talent, a suck-up, a complete moron, and the perfect writer for 1wrestling. In other words, Tom-Tom, I’m not your biggest fan. I’m going to give him the sublime honor of deconstructing his message, just like I have with such stellar writers as Jason Powell:

Beginning in 2002, I will be doing a weekly wrestling newsletter, similar to the Wrestling Observer and Pro Wrestling Torch.

Except for the fact that it’ll be completely unreadable instead of partially.

This is a snail-mail newsletter, not an online one. I’m E-mailing you to ask if you can please post the press release on the newsletter for me. In return, I will send you the debut issue for free.

(checking bathroom cabinet) Nope, I’m good on toilet paper, so I’ll pass.

All you have to do is once you post the press release, E-mail me the link to the post, along with your home address, and I’ll send you the first issue for free.

The last thing I want you to know is where I live. Of course, the benefit of this is that I’d get your return address, in which case, I can make certain arrangements vis-a-vis you never being able to use your hands to type again.

Thanks in advance and I hope you’re having a very happy and healthily holiday!

Tommy Fierro, a proud graduate of the George W. Bush Hooked On Phonics Course.

Now for his plug:

Tommy Fierrro, who writes a daily column for 1Wrestling.com,

The definition of “writes” is very flexible, it seems.

will be starting up his own wrestling newsletter this year. The newsletter, Wrestling World Weekly, will be mailed to the subscribers homes each and every week.

The one good thing about the Homeland Security Act is that this action is now punishable by 10-20 in Attica.

The newsletter will be very similar to Wrestling Observer Newsletter and Pro Wrestling Torch, but with a few different features.

“Illiteracy Corner”, “Sucking Up To The Stars”, “Ten Lessons On How To Kiss Bob Ryder’s Ass”, “Imitating Dave Scherer For Fun And Profit”, “How To Pretend You’ve Booked Indies To Impress The Chicks”, and many others!

There will be several wrestling personalities that will be writing columns for the newsletter.

Get this list, people, and you’ll start to wonder if “writes” isn’t the only word stretched to its limit…

One of the features will be former WCW Superstar Crowbar writing “Crowbar’s Corner.”

This makes me want to start a fund for the poor guy in order to avoid him doing this. I like him. I don’t want to see him stuck in this position.

Others who will be writing for the newsletter include former WCW Superstar Lodi,

Hold it, I like him too. This is getting sad.

former WCW Superstar The Stro,

Like Bossman, he’s sort of a guilty pleasure. Can’t help but admire a guy who was given a gimmick that was dead on arrival and tried to make something of it. And isn’t every WCW superstar a “former” these days?

former WCW Superstar Daffney,

It’ll be interesting from an intellectual standpoint. How do you put screeches down on paper?

former ECW wrestler and referee H.C. Loc,

It’s amazing how many of the out-of-ring personalities in ECW annoyed me. Loc, Molyneux, Francine, Fonzie And His Goddamn Whistle…oh, well, water under the bridge and all that.

Michael Tearson from the Philadelphia Daily News, Sir Adam and Phantom from the Get In The Ring audio show, Vinnie Bobarino from the TWO Extreme audio show, and several others.

Oh, yeah, this group of “wrestling personalities” really float my boat. And considering those listed, how sad do you have to be to be part of the “several others”?

Tommy is working on getting a few other names to do columns as well.

You know, I’m a little surprised I didn’t get offered a writing slot. The weirdest things happen to me. I insult Scott, I get offered a slot at The Smarks. I insult Hyatte, he helps get me here. It only makes sense that Fierro would offer me a slot. Not that I’d accept, of course. I do have morals.

The newsletter will also feature commentaries by Tommy, latest news, results, PPV previews, interviews, letters, and much more. The first issue will be mailed out around January 15th.

I’ll check to see if the guys using those decontamination suits in Washington right now are going to be done with them in two weeks.

The question isn’t whether we need another weekly snail-mail newsletter. The question is whether we need one by a person who’s made an ass out of himself on the Net on a daily basis. One of the better aspects of Keller and especially Meltzer is that they have a reputation for critical thinking. Fierro has proven to be nothing but a complete suck-up to the industry in order to keep his backstage pals, willing to promote every little brain fart as a work of genius and the greatest thing ever conceived of by humankind. This isn’t going to be a newsletter, it’s going to be a valentine. That is certainly not what the wrestling world needs right now during a time of creative paralysis. I kept the ordering info out of here on purpose: I certainly cannot and will not endorse this endeavor.

Eric

I’m sorry, some of you hate Eric S.? The guy is funny and refuses to treat his reader like they’re idiots. Also, he’s beating me in the Smarks.com best columnist poll by about 6 votes as of press time. Heh. Press time. 6 votes. Heh. The Smarks. HAHAHAHA! The Smarks. We are not quite a mark, but not quite a smart. Ask some jerk in high school which type of wrestling fan he’d rather beat up, a mark or a smart, and he’ll beat you up. The Smark. We need a special subsection to categorize this special brand of wrestling fan. Why do people separate themselves? So that they are not associated with a certain group. The Smarks. The smarks are the biggest geeks of all. They’re the guys in the full out Kilngon outfits at the Star Trek convention who spend their entire time their talking about how much Star Trek sucked. A Smark. The Smark. Oh my God. How absolutely pathetic that anyone would refer to themselves as something like that. We’re all just wrestling fans you idiot! The only distinctions that should be made is who is a wrestling fan and who is a wrestling geek. The word smart should be replaced with geek. My God, you go around inventing words. I say we petition to get the person everyone knows I’m talking about on Comedy Central’s Beat The Geeks. A Smark. Give me a break. Have I gotten off topic?

DAMN IT! I need to print one more letter about Tommy cause this guy actually likes him and is nice to me. Goddamn it. Matt, you don’t get two paragraphs on Wednesday.

Grut –

I like Tommy Fierro. However you spell that. I’m a new wrestling fan… starting watching around the time Test and Steph split up and Jericho jumped from WCW. Before that, I only watched WWF until Hogan left, basically. I started watching WCW when Hogan was there, just for kicks. Call me a mark. I started watching WWF when Jericho went there — yeah, call me a mark. I’m also an Internet geek, so I pose as a smart HERE and THERE. You’ll never find me posing as Billy Gunn though, even though if he were in a calendar it would sell faster than Booker T “WHO” shirts!

So Tommy Fierro plays to the mark in me. Scott Keith plays to the cynic in me. Grut makes me laugh, and Flea makes me scratch myself. Scherer is cool, Meltz scares me, and Eric and I would never survive a political debate. It’s good to have a good mix of perspectives when you’re a wrestling fan… and have access to this Internet thingy. Fierro’s columns sometimes are completely nuts. I don’t know if I’d subscribe to the newsletter. But, his ideas are so off the wall, that the mark in me hopes someone in the WWF creative team reads ’em. He’s way too optimistic sometimes, but the mark in me wants to like wrestling no matter what, so it’s nice to have different perspectives.

Can I get a free t-shirt?

– Matt

Tommy Fierro was polite enough online, although he didn’t know me. From what I read, I think he’s an idiot. Think we devoted enough time to him? So do I. Have a good weekend. 8 pages. Man.