A Wrestling News Report 1.17.02

I’m back like the first line of a Kid Rock song! I moved into an apartment in New York City and I didn’t have phone service, but somehow managed to go down to my father’s office and write a quick report with lots of junk news that Widro didn’t post. It was pretty crappy. (ed note: it sure was).

Well, a lot has happened since I’ve been gone. It looks like the band is back together. Goldust and Mr. Perfect are returning for the Rumble. HHH returned, depriving us of seeing his Beautiful Day video every 5 minutes. Tazz and Spike are the tag team champions. Booker T has disappeared from the main event scene entirely, despite two wins in a row over Steve Austin. William Regal is back, the 411 awards still haven’t been posted, and Scott Keith has fallen in love with his own reflection and spends all of his time by the wading pool, staring at the one person who can never give him the love he truly needs.

Did you miss me? Didn’t notice? Good.

Oh, one last thing. Someone sent me a showcase column who had gone to RAW. I lost your e-mail address. I want another column from you. The whole moving thing just screwed it all up.

Oh, and woman? I love you. Come home. Come home and we will once again roll around on the floor as you bite my neck, you sick whore.

News!

YOU WANT YOUR SMACKDOWN SPOILED, RIGHT?

HHH and Stone Cold talk for once, Willie and Rob go at it, Austin and Rocky talk for once, Billy face Tajiri, DDP faces BB, Jericho and the Rock talk for once, UT and the Rock talk for once, some kind of tag team royal rumble or something, Debra and Austin talk for once, HHH and Rocky talk for once, Booker T and Angle talk for once, Test fights Edge, HHH and Steph talk for once, and KAB T face SCHHH. Should be fun to see all of that talking.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Goldberg may be playing a villain in The Matrix 3. After losing the part to Goldberg and thereby forcing his retirement from acting, Bret Hart said, “Ain’t that a kick in the head?” IGN.

The Rock missed Raw to re-shoot scenes from The Scorpian King. Meanwhile, the Roaddog missed Raw to re-shoot up. 1bob.

Both Heat and Excess were down in the ratings. Watch out for falling executives if you’re walking around Titan Towers.

Lance Storm hopes to not be fired this year. Yeah, and I want a million dollars. Eat me.

The Hardyz were not backstage at the Smackdown tapings. Lita and Matt pondered their future at a local bar while Jeff Hardy worked on his Tan. Tan is a 16 year old Asian boy.,

Booker T will be on the Howard Stern show tomorrow at 7:30. Yeah, I’m setting my alarm clock for that one.

Tajiri may be removed from the Royal Rumble. He may have also disappeared off of the face of the planet. More details as they come.

Junk News! Huzzah!

N W O HAS EVERYONE BACKSTAGE WORRIED. Especially Lance Storm, who will be fired.

Bob reports that everyone is all afraid of what will happen when Hogan, Hall and Nash show up and the N W O begins again. I’m too hungry to be funny. Let’s end this report.

PLUGS

The World is a good world when it’s According to Ron.

HHH vs. Cactus Jack from the Royal Rumble is Carlos’ Main Event. Good choice, good match.

Ask 411, you stupid bastard!

That’s it. Let’s do some Me and . SCOTT KEITH!

ME AND KEITH

VPJG: Hey there!

Scott Keith: Greetings.

VPJG: So, um, how’s Canada?

Scott Keith: Snowy.

VPJG: Yeah, it’s cold down here too.

VPJG: So…

Scott Keith: What can I do for you?

VPJG: Well, I wanted to apologize for getting drunk and attacking you.

Scott Keith: Really? Where did you attack me?

VPJG: In my column. I guess you don’t read it.

Scott Keith: Maybe that’s a GOOD thing if you’re apologizing about it…

VPJG: It wasn’t anything horrible. It’s this thing I have against the word Smark.

Scott Keith: Ah. Well, I get attacked all the time. It generally doesn’t bother me.

VPJG: It’s not jealousy! I think you’re a fine writer, and I’m glad to be on the same site as you. It just makes me furious, rageful even, when I see that word.

Scott Keith: Well, have you considered therapy about it… 🙂

VPJG: Yes, and it didn’t work! One of your readers bothered me about how smarks were smarter then and better then marks and how smarts didn’t exist. I blame you for that IMer.

VPJG: He was really stupid and persistant.

Scott Keith: That’s why I block everyone outside of my buddy list.

VPJG: Well, I don’t mind talking to the people. Most of them are good people.

Scott Keith: I get mobbed whenever I’m actively online, so I stay invisible on ICQ and AIM.

VPJG: Well, popularity can do that to you. I feel more comfortable with the little bit of fame I have. I get an IM every few minutes or so, but not from conversationalists.

VPJG: You hear alot of praise for your Lazarus rant?

Scott Keith: Yes. All the time.

Scott Keith: I’m going to rewrite it and make it part of the new book, in fact.

VPJG: Cool. I’ll make sure to buy it.

VPJG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

VPJG: Sorry, I meant to send that to Widro.

Scott Keith: Okay then…

VPJG: By the way, do you mind if I put the conversation we just had at the end of my column? I’ll change the name and everything? It’s a thing I do with Flea and Widro.

VPJG: And Carlos once.

Scott Keith: Go ahead. I don’t THINK there’s anything incriminating…

VPJG: No, the point of these is to make me look like a fool.

VPJG: Not you.

Scott Keith: Oh, well, done and DONE.

Have a good day. See you tomorrow, maybe.