A Wrestling News Report 1.18.02


JR decided to set the record straight by deigning to the level of we the few, the proud, the web nerds. So he held a conference call and told us all what’s what.

Scott Hall, Kevin Nash and Hulk Hogan have not signed contracts yet. Ross said he believed that all could be productive in the proper environment. Hall’ll toast to that!

Benoit has made a return to light jogging. 95% of the internet now believes that he should be declared the winner of the New York Marathon. Ross said they are targeting a Wrestlemania return, but they should have cheesy music videos to promote his return set to Smash Mouth’s “I’m A Believer” by next week.

The WWF has not had any talks with Scott Steiner and will not until they get a health report that doesn’t say that Scott has less then six months to live.

Tajiri was removed from the Royal Rumble so that he could promote the big show in Japan. I bet they’ll be so happy to welcome home the biggest Japanese stereotype since Bugs Bunny.

The Goldust thing is just a one time deal for now, but that could change. That’d be great, to have Terri and Dustin back in the same company. You know what would be better? If he returned to obscurity.

Val and the Godfather will be changing their gimmicks. Weren’t they PTC members the last time we saw them? Why should we care? What happened to Bull Buchanan? Didn’t they want to push him to the moon? Where am I? How’d I get here? Mommy? Daddy? WIDRO?!

D-Lo and Haku might be brought in after the split as Halo, the angelic team, or HaLo, the team from Russia trying to say hello in English.

The split has been pushed back to after Wrestlemania. I’m starting to think it will never happen, and that’s probably for the best.

Goldberg’s a prick who hates wrestling, but Randy Orton might be added after the split. Randy Savage could come if he wanted to, while he basically told Jarrett where to shove that guitar.

The Hardyz will be back by the Royal Rumble, if Jeff can tear himself away from his new passion, Charley. I talked with Charley today, and she seems like a really nice girl. I just wished she’d shut up about some movie called The Crying Game. She told me it had a big surprise and asked me if I wanted to see it , but we were in public! We couldn’t just watch the movie, and especially not in some public bathroom like she suggested. I guess Jeff’s into some psycho women.

Jazz needs to improve her mike work. Every person involved in the conference call, including JR, let out a resounding “DUH!”

Usual cruiserweight crap. JR then concluded the call by plugging the Ross Report and the Royal Rumble, saying that it would be very emotional when HHH won. Then Ross said whoops and hung up the phone.


Goldberg will not work for the WWF because of principles or something. What a jerk. Get the hell out of the business Bill. You attacked the WWF enough after the WTC attacks. You’re such an ass. GOD! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I feel better.

Lita has a lip tattoo that says PUNK. Jeff has a lip tattoo that says ENTER.

There are reports about a Nash contract that JR says does not exist. I’m as confused as Scott Hall in a parking lot.

Booker T was on Howard Stern. Not able to withstand the weight, Howard suffered a crushed sternum.

Junk News! HooYah!


Yay! The Rock! And Steve Austin! Shockingly, they’re both on time. This is so compelling. Didn’t the Rock say he’d never forgive Austin? Whatever. That’s it! After everyone yells WHAT, yell EVER!

Beautiful People is a pretty cool theme song. The Dope Show might be better though.

Nice new music for RVD. I bet it’s the start of a big push. Here comes Regal, out to job to RVD and his new theme music. Regal has hairy pits. I’m going to take a sip every time they say Rumble or Sunday. 1. 2. 3. I started late. This is a big match. What are they pimping McMahon vs. Flair? Big heat for Regal. Wow! Rest holds are just awesome when 4 they’re done in interesting 5 fashion! 6. 7. Cole is impressed by William Regal. THE KNUCKS! LOOK OUT ROB! NO! 8.

Angle is walking and berating a black gentleman! 9.

Kurt’s back! Rock can’t see him because he didn’t knock. 10. 11. Yeah, Kurt Angle is going to win the Royal Rumble. Right. Ass is bleeped? Rock has gone to the Will Smith school of acting apparently. Hey, it’s Will and Carlton! Is that what they’re going for? Cute bit!

The Smoking Fags should be doing more gay stuff to get the gimmick over. Torrie is hot. 12. 13. 14. Is Torrie a jew? 15. Am I going to get shot for saying that Billy looks kind of motivated? TARANTULA! TARANTULA! Ah, there’s the gay stuff. Not too funny.

Coach is interviewing a door! Oh, no he’s not.

Jericho better win on Sunday. I still think he will. It’ll be a four person thing, with HHH, Rock, Austin and Jericho. Or something like that. If Jericho loses, I will be very naked later tonight.

ROCK AND HHH! TALKING! I guess they’re overcompensating for the Rock missing Raw. Man, I’d pay money 16 17 18 if they both started talking in English accents. Or if they started slapping each other like little girls. You want my cash, WWF? Do that!

Lillian is so hot. JAZZ! 19. GIVE HER MOUTH TO MOUTH LILLIAN! Crap.

DDP’s heat is dead. I don’t count replays. 20. Nobody beats the 21 22 Big Bossman. HAHAHAHAHA! 23. Shouldn’t DDP 24 be in a retirement home? THEY CANCELLED BOB PATTERSON! 25. Bossman is in the Rumble? Don’t give him the Diesel push. Don’t even think about it. Well, Bossman has some heat. They should make DDP get a new finishing move. I know it was his first. 26 27 28.

UT and Rock. 29. 30. Yeah, UT and Angle have the same shot at winning the Rumble. 31. I will not drink for the commercial. Oh, why not? 31. Wow, they didn’t even say Sunday.

This is much easier than last time. I think with the drink, I have less time to type. I’m happy with that.

You know what burns fat faster than Stacker 2? Fire.


3 Generatiopns of the Rock! In the 1940’s the 3rd generation 33 said, “I shall insert my Hitler up your this joke is done. Oh God., 34 35 36 37 38 39. Good, it’s done. Goldust? The camera man. Oh crap. 40. 41. I need another beer. It’s my forth. 42. Hi Uncle Joe! Hi Mike! I love you and miss you! Poor camera man. All he wanted to do was perfcorm his craft. 43. KNOCK IT OFF! Kid and woman will win 44 Royal Rumble. 45. Wow! The Rock is shooting! I expected him to talk about his career in Hollywood being more important. 46. The Rock vs. Punky Brewster would draw money. YEAH! FUCK HIM UP JERICHO! YOU GLORIFIED MID CARDER, LET HIM KNOW! LET HIM KNOW! Jericho’s shirt is flah MAMING! Aboot. Heh. Angry canadian. He and Keith should type like that. Did he say Rumble and Sundsay? I’ll assume he did. Twice. 47 48 49. This is an awesome promo. I think they did an edit. YEAH! He is pretty overlooked. Don’t interrupt the man! This is the Rock’s show. A large man should come out and say, “This is the Big Show” and then exit. The Rock is not BETTER then Jericho. Just different. Not Sunday at Royal Rumble! 50 51.That was the best line I’ve ever heard on a wrestling. Jericho has some real passion in him. Flea, who is a great writer and I love, can eat me. Rock is walking up the RAMP! NOW SLOWLY! OH MY GOD! THEY’RE KISSING! OH NO! Rock doesn’t think this is a joke. Rock is taking Jericho seriously. I think I had this fight 52 53 with my ex girlfriend once. Come on. Let Jericho win. I like Jericho. 54. That was a 21 sipper. I LOVE YOU GUYS!

Bgnbn mnjuh. That’s what happens when I press my forehead into the keyboard. Mnjh n bvn mj,l mnb. So is that. Lot’s of M’s and B’s. It’s only capitalized because of Microsoft Word. Computer’s are becoming smarter then people! It’s like a bad Twilight Zone Episode! You know what was cool? The devil fortune teller napkin holder one. That was cool. I need to pee, but I will hold it in for you.

They say I’m cocky, and I say, “Yes. I am a Rooster. THE RED ROOSTER! COCKADOODLE SUCK!”

55 56 57. Rikishi is fat. I’m observant. Him and Too Cool was geniues. Here comes a member of the Canadian Horsemen. Or the Canadian MAFIA. Whatever. Jesus. 58 59. 60. Is Lance going bald? 61. 62. I must kill Michael Cole. 63. And Jerry Lawler. 64. 65. Imagine what it must be like just before you get the Stinkface. It must be scary. Betcha HHH eliminates TBS. Oh, he’s fat again. Jim Ross, the paragon of health, must be very dissapointed. LOOK AT BIG SHOW’S HAND! Oh, and in case I missed it, 66 67. 68 69. IT’S CANDY KANE! He’s sweet but tough. Oh, and 70-73.I might puke soon. 74 75. 45 minutes left? How much beer do I have? 76.Commercials. Peeing.

Okay, so I’m a rip off of Hyatte. A bad one. I’m still good at this! I never claimed to be the best news guy. I’m better at this than other people though. People like Stripe from Gremlins. This is his report.


See? I’m better then Stripe! Hulk Hogan was in Gremlin’s 2. That part where the film stop reaqlly worked well. The audience was booing before the Gremlin shadows came on screen.

The Lollipop League Won The Titles!

King is old. He should be dignified. He’s just old. This is distrubing footage? Tazz is probably rolling his eyes right now. THAT LOOKED PAINFUL! Even in this one, 77. 78. NO MORE SUNDAY! Just Rumble. Debra looks ugly and scary. I’m getting fat. I need to start working out again. I’m not hideous or really fat, but I have a belly. 79.

IS GONNA BE ILL TONIGHT! Kurt Angle is amazing, but he’s kind of going through the motions. He’s really funny. OYE. 80 81 82. Lot’s of staring tonight. I’ll include Sunday again. 83.,more beer needed. SHIT! 84. 85. 86. 87. 88. I’m on 7. I don’t fell like typing. Can you beliueve that HHH and Austin are teaming? YES! The last match HHH fought was in a tag team match with Austin! I don’t wanna see 8 inkjury angles at the Royal Rumble. WHY’D YOU MENTION PAGE IN THE UMBLE? 89. 90. Bet Nick Patrick ref’s the Regal-Edge match. 91.

Yo. You guys. Rule. You Rule! I like you guys. Sure, some e-mail me telling youy’ll never read 411 again, but I said the same thing to Hyatte and I still read. Now he got me a job and I think he has me on block. That’s cool. I wouldn’t write him anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I respect him. He’s a talented writer, and he should really go for it. He has a job, but he should write about other things and send his writings out to people. It’s not over for him yet. I kissed up to him too much when I first got my job. It don’t matter. You rule Hyatte! Have fun in the ‘hospital’.

92, 93, 94, 95. I can’t write about the music video. Hunter should spank Steph the altered whore who wrote him love letters. She’s too into the business. It’s your fault, Vince. She wouldn’t have fallen in love with him if he wasn’t her first big angle. She wasn’t ready to separate the job and he personal life.

SLACKERS has that guy in Rushmore in it. The Royal Tennebaums was the best movie of the year, as was Rushmore in it’s year. Stacker 2 is the World’s strongest fat burner, except for one thing. ACID! And fire.

You are so bootiful, to me. Can’t you see? I need you. Inside me./ To hide me. To guid me. I need you. To eat me. Defeat me. Deplete. I hate France. Hate France. I worked as a bartender at a place where they had Weddings. I hear that song 8 times a week. GOD! You can email God at God@hotmail.com

Can you Dig it Sucka? I can barely type and I still need to do plugs and find something to end this with. 96. 97. By the way, think they’re doing thje hard sell? 98. 99. 100! Congratulations King and Cole! Old King Cole! I’m clever! 101. 102. I need to pee, but I’ll not hold it in.,I forgot to shake. 103. I have 8 empty beers in front of me. Call me a lightweight, I don’t care. Hey Ross! What’s up? I lied to Flea! I didn’t want him to make fun of my brother, so I said Ross was my cousin. Flea bought it! Oh, I like Flea. I just didn’t want him to mock my real Ross. Ross is the salt of the earth. Earl Hebner is in there! Or is it 104 105 Dave Hebner? HHH is not the salvation of the WWF. He is a guy with rambling promos but good matches who was shoved down our throats cause he f*cked the bosses daughter. I like his skills in the ring and all, but I’d take Benoit over him any day. I’d take 106 107 108. Remind next year to use the word Royal. Or the word the. Then I’kl be drunk. Yo, yall my Negroes. This match is an 8 star Keith classic. You know what Scott Keith eats? Crisco! I asked him. He told me. CAN AUSTIN MAKE THE TAG? No way. It’ll never happen. Well, thje fans love HHH. Maybe I’m wrong. I like him He became a star from a nothing with the help of a friend known as Steroids. HE USED THE KNEE! 109 110 111 112. I haven’t been paying attention, so I gave myself four. Why didn’t Booker go down for the Stunner? Totally gives away the business! I’m still picking Triple H with a Austin Rock other main event 113 114 115 116. It’s over.


I plug the Tornado DDT, cause why not? Benovitz may like having sex with ugly women, but who are you to judge him?

That’s it./ goodfnight.