A Wrestling News Report 1.24.02

First of all, we have some big, big news. I think you know what it is, and I think you’ve been patiently waiting for my reaction to it. It’s all the Internet can talk about, all the Internet cares about. Well, let me be the first person on the internet to look at this in a positive light.

I am THRILLED to have won a 411 Award for Column of the Year! And you can read this week’s now Award Winning A Wrestling Tale right here! It shows the inner working of the WWF writing team and their relationship with the boss.

Honestly though, thanks for voting for me. You could have gone for Morse or Hyatte, but instead you voted for me. And Widro. I am humbled and honored and still without any pay for my services. Oh, Ashish said he was sending a free t-shirt, but I’ve yet to see it. Why am I bitching? It actually feels pretty good to be told that something you’re proud of is a quality piece of work. Thank you.

Now then, on with the news!

NO SMACKDOWN PREVIEW! WELL, MAYBE A HINT

Vince talks to himself. There’s a four man battle for a title shot. Golddust continues to be ambiguous. RVD and Regal make it short. The Lollipop League faces the Big Bald Worm. The hell with this! Spoilers below! And there is a big surprise at the end, but you’d have to OWN a backwards mirror if you were to figure out what the surprise is. Hell, most of you know this by now. I’m being all vague for the three people who bitch at me if I post spoilers. What the hell do you guys want? So you know what happens on Smackdown? OH NO! EVERYBODY RUN! THE WORLD IS MELTING! Also, you three, don’t read the Me and Widro. Feel free to read the Me and Flea.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Mike Tyson gave Lenox Lewis several crotch chops after their fight yesterday. Mike, you don’t want to tempt a British person. They’ll jump you.

Kevin Nash has told friends that he signed with the WWF but doesn’t know when they’ll bring him in. Then the nurse came in and told them that recreation time was over, and it was nap time. Nash demanded his juice, received it, complained that it was too sweet and went to sleep.

It is being thrown around by Slam Wrestling that Shawn Michaels could be a special guest ref at Wrestlemania. Marty Jannetty will be the special guest ref at his very own Wrestlemania show in his studio apartment in Brooklyn.

The whole WWA thing was just stupid. Talk to someone within the company before you post news that I’m going to steal from you.

Lance Storm thought the Rumble was better when the winner didn’t go to Wrestlemania. Vince read this and promptly set into action a series of events that will have Lance fired by the end of the year.

You can apparently still send a video review to Johnathan Hurtado. Either that or just send him an e-mail that say GEEK!

HAHAHAHA! I nailed Johnathan Hurtado! Who does he think he is, doing video game reports for free? What a nerd! What a geek! What a chump! If anyone can think of a bigger nerd then Johnathan Hurtado, someone who apparently wastes even more of his time typing up stupid reports on the internet for free, e-mail Flea. E-mail Flea.

Junk News! Hooyah!

THE JAP, THE CANUCK, AND THE BLOND HAIRED DITZ

Tajiri, Torrie Wilson and Chris Benoit are currently in Singapore promoting the WWF. Here is a behind the scenes video of the three of them in their hotel room.

Tajiri: Christopher. It is so nice to see you again. I truly must apologize for leaving earlier then you and not taking the same flight.

Chris: Oh, NO! Taj, you don’t have t o apologize for anything. You never do.

Tajiri: I was hoping that you would bring Nancy. It has been far too long since I have heard her enticing shriek.

Chris: She apologizes and wishes for you to understand. She does not mind if I continue, but ever since we stopped working for Eric, she has been finished with the swinger lifestyle.

Tajiri: Well, just because she will not party does not mean our dance has to end with tears. JEW SLUT! ENTER!

Torrie enters wearing matching black bra and panties.

Torrie: You’re going to have to stop calling me that if we’re going to have sex.

Tajiri: Well, you are Billy Goat Kid’s Jew Slut, aren’t you?

Torrie: Actually, I’m not sure if I’m Jewish or not. I sure wish someone would E-mail Joshua Grut and tell him.

Chris: I tire of talk! My hunger demands that I be fed the food I desire, and I ain’t talking about ambrosia, nectar of the Gods!

Tajiri: Well, what is it that you desire?

Chris: A little Sushi

Chris grabs Tajiri and pulls him close.

Chris: And a little raw fish.

Chris grabs Torrie and pulls her close. The three begin to kiss passionately.

Yeah, that’s enough of that video. In fact, that’s more then enough news for this week. For all of the jumping around about the (Ohmigod. Everytime I type N W O without the spaces, my Microsoft Word converts it to now. Anyone know how to stop this?) now, nothing has really happened. I’ll probably have to make up news tomorrow since I’m not getting drunk.

IT’S THE PLUGZ BOOT OF THE WEEK!

Want to read the 411 BEST COLUMN OF 2001? Read it right here! One of the other news guys liked it, one hated it. By the way, am I a news guy? I don’t think I do any real news. I mean, most of what I have to say you and I have both probably read on some other site by now. I think I’m more of a personality then a news guy. Whatever.

Although this is kinda stupid, read Eric’s news from yesterday if you’re a fan of mine who doesn’t read him. I make everything fun and simple, but life isn’t fun and simple. Even if you disagree with his views, you’ll probably learn something you didn’t know before by reading his report.

Josh Nason, the other Josh as I like to call him, has written a Book report for Quackenbook and a Fight Club calling Vince an evil Genius. Apparently Vince has created a Wrestling paradise. I agree man, if you want to experience Heaven just watch the building heat between Kane and The Big Show. It’s like wahawking the stahairway to . Heaven. Oh, he also did a Indy Spotlight. Really man, slow down. You don’t want to blow your load all over the keyboard unless you’re trying to.

Ron Gamble likes to watch wrestling with his wife without all that backstage stuff in his World. Yo, Ron, see if you can get some head while watching wrestling and then report on it! Come on man, do it for the guys! Do it for the girls! Do it for the children! The children need you to get head while watching wrestling!

LOCH tells us what they thought of the Royal Rumble in the post Rumble Round up. Go read it.

ME AND FLEA

Ryder Fakin: 411 award!!

VPJG: I didn’t know they were up.

Ryder Fakin: you won..

VPJG: Where?

VPJG: I won something?

Ryder Fakin: best dude that writes a column

VPJG: Nice. I can’t say I don’t deserve it. I win nothing!

Ryder Fakin: damn…that sounds like me…too many double negatives and a massacre of the english language

VPJG: You should have won something. You was robbed.

Ryder Fakin: i suck

VPJG: You rule.

Ryder Fakin: then how come you don’t hang out with me…starf*cker

VPJG: It was the first time I used Keith, and the first time I talked to CRZ in about a year.

Ryder Fakin: it only takes one time to become an addict…whore

VPJG: Please. I could never get the beratement and personal attacks you give me from them.

Ryder Fakin: hold on…i’m still r eading that line…

VPJG: Did I misspell beratement?

VPJG: Is that even a word?

Ryder Fakin: FUCKING A.!!~~~~ I RULE~~!!!!!

Ryder Fakin: F

VPJG: You sure do.

Ryder Fakin: L

Ryder Fakin: E

Ryder Fakin: A

VPJG: By the way, I haven’t been saving this one.

Ryder Fakin: f*ckhead…i’m making up for wednesday

ME AND WIDRO

Widro: pop quiz hotshot: how can the wwf ruin the nwo angle before it even begins?

VPJG: Well, someone didn’t have their prozac today.

Widro: {Edited for Widro’s dog’s protection}

VPJG: So Vince is the first member of the NWO. So what?

Widro: the nwo is about being difference and invading, not being the ultimate corporate crap… at least get a reaction from an invasion… the goosebumps of hall walking down the ramp

VPJG: Hey! Vince is a tumor on the nwo. You can use that one!

Widro: poor cody

Widro: {Edited for Widro’s dog’s protection}

VPJG: nwo is no longer any of that. It is now ‘cool’. That’s all it represents.

VPJG: Widro: {Edited for Widro’s dog’s protection}

Widro: hopefully

Widro: {Edited for Widro’s dog’s protection}

VPJG: It’s funny, we try to keep our loved ones and dogs alive as long as possible, and then when they die they’ve “gone to a better place.”

Widro: (The following statement has been altered by Joshua Grut. Widro did not actually say anything like this.) Yeah, we humans are giant hypocrites and I think it proves that we don’t actually believe in a loving God or a Heaven. (The preceding statement was written by Joshua Grut, not Widro.)

VPJG: Ah. So, Vince is leading the nWo? At Wrestlemania, HHH will join

Widro: i heard it from you FIRST

Widro: i hope steph turns and aligns with jericho before the wm match

VPJG: Come on! He attaches himself to the hip of every angle.

VPJG: That’d be cool.

Widro: hhh is a genius

Widro: and also gigantic

VPJG: He’s a big boy. Not sure if he’s a genius for f*cking the boss’s daughter and taking lots of steroids.

Widro: i was being facetious

VPJG: Vince should act all like he’s bringing in Hall and Nash and Hulk, but then he should bring in Stevie Ray and Vincent and Bryan Adams. It would be the ultimate swerve.

Widro: that would be funny

VPJG: Imagine if Crash Holly saw the announcement and ran out of the building screaming. That would be hilarious.

Widro: now you’re booking for me only.

VPJG: No, I think that would be funny.

VPJG: This is brilliant though. If one thing can revive the WWF’s ratings for one Raw and maybe a Smackdown, it’s the NWO.

Widro: they should have a bunch of people laid out in the back on raw with nwo spraypainted on their back and JR will be in an outrage

Widro: then on smackdown vince will cut a promo promising “big things” for the following raw

Widro: then on that raw, hall and nash will come down and bask in cheers for 10 mins for a HUGE 5.9 rated overrun’

VPJG: Then Jeff Jarrett will run out and hit Vince with a guitar! Then Bret Hart will come out, join the NWO, quit the NWO, join it again and quit.

Widro: talk about being screwed

VPJG: Oh! Then Sting and Lex Luger will join the NWO, but as good guys! They’ll leave when it gets evil again.

VPJG: And you can’t forget the Harris Twins.

Widro: what about the wolfpac? where does k dawg fit in?

VPJG: He’s a desertatado.

VPJG: Do you have this entire conversation?

Widro: i do

VPJG: Can you e-mail it to me?

Widro: perhaps

Widro: i will replace Widro with widro

VPJG: Sure. We will never reveal your true AIM address, will we Poolboypip?

That’s it for me. Until tomorrow, I’m looking at the man in the mirror.