A Wrestling News Report 1.31.02

Welcome to the name changing ceremony. As you may or may not notice, Grut has a man added to it, forming the word Grutman. That is my real last name, and thanks to PK the name I’ll be using from now on. It’s not like if you call me Grut I’ll kill you. You can call Joshua Grutman, you can call me Joshua Grut, Josh Grutman, Josh Grut, J Grutman, J Grut, J Griddy, Josh Daddy, Grut Josh, Mangrut, but not Josh or Joshua Daddy. I’ll cut you!

That whole thing on thesmarks.com turned out to be a work, teaching you that you can never trust a Canadian. You should of known that by now anyway.

Tonight in the column I talk to a very important guest, and also Flea. It’s not that Flea isn’t important or anything, it’s just that he has quite the potty mouth. If you have your kid on your lap and you’re reading my report together, skip past Flea’s part.

NEWS!!!

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME SMACKDOWN?!

WwfRajah has these quicker then anyone. I think their guy goes to WWF New York and has a cell phone. I think I’ll tip the people off next week.

Tazz defends Maven’s honor against Jericho, Rollerball people come by, Flair talks about the NWO, someone might lose a not that important title, Goldust will end the suspense and reveal who he’s going to ass screw, JR talks to Stephanie because we NEED to know more about her, RVD and Edge fight the DUDZ BONZO GONZO, the homo-erotic card is played for both sides in what should be entertaining and at lesbian times hot for me while driving Scott Keith into the nuthouse, the APA fight Booker T and Test as the gang from Rollerball try not to laugh, HHHRock faces Underangle, and Vince McMahon has sex with Ric Flair before deciding to not bring in the NWO, instead choosing to sell the WWF and live with Ric on a farm, where they will grow cattle. Mmmm. Homo-erotic cakes.

IT IS STILL HARDER THEN HARDCORE, BUT IT NOW INCLUDES SUMO

Japanese Hardcore Wrestling will have another Pay Per View on In Demand, which is ironic because I have not heard anyone demanding for it. I can type this now because soon enough this website will once again become the pimp section for Japanese Hardcore Wrestling. The It Ain’t Sumo AGAIN banner is coming soon to a 411 web page near you. Reaction is mixed among members of this website.

Widro- “OH YEAH! MORE MONEY! I’m gonna ride the It Ain’t Sumo cash cow till it craps gold!”

Eric S.- “Down with capitalism! Down with Bush! Bush Ain’t Sumo!”

Flea- “Shit, did you f*cking say that shit is coming back?”

Hurtado- “I’m the video games guy. What do you mean you don’t know me? I wrote in the post-Rumble Wrap up. Yes, I did!”

Keith- “DUD! BONZO GONZO! 8 MILLION STARS!”

Look for this controversy to get only worse.

NASHALL NOTES

Nash and Hall are on the road again at least 12 dates out of the month, according to their new contract and 1wrestling. There are other stipulations in the contract as well, suggested by both the WWF and Nash and Hall.

1. Hall must be sober for both Raw and Smackdown.

2. Vince and Linda McMahon must swap with Nash and his biatch twice a month at a strip club.

3. Hall can partially return to his old name if he incorporates the first two letters of his last name and teams with Bradshaw. They will be known as the Hazors.

4. Nash may be Diesel Oz. He was very insistent on this.

5. Hall and Nash may not be called the Outsiders. Instead, they shall be known as the “Black Knights of Israel.” They’ve converted.

6. Maven must toss Hall’s salad with jelly.

7. Hall must change, “Hey, yo!” Instead, he will now say, “Hey, you! Yeah, you. Got anything to drink?”

8. If the fans chant asshole at him, Nash is allowed to cry like a baby.

9. No matter what happens, when their contracts run out they may not invade another company. Actually, that was just for Hall. Nash is so old that they people in the WWF are sure he’ll be dust when the contract expires. Nash may not invade a Dustbuster.

10. No push for Justin Credible. No. We said NO PUSH! NO! NOOOOOOOOO!

Looks good to me.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Stacey Keibler will be on the Craig Kilborn shaw this Friday. She will explain how a growth spurt turned her from a cookie cooking tree elf into a WWF Diva.

Despite the promise of the NWO, Raw’s rating actually fell .1 to a 4.5 this week. Look out for falling executives in Connecticut this week.

The Godfather was ranked #10 this week in the official 411 Rankings, the only ranking system on the internet that uses the highly touted BM method.

The XFL, I mean XWF, has secured a television deal with Clear Channel Entertainment. I remember all of the web monkeys blowing their load over this company and then watching as it deteriorated before out very eyes. I guess some things just don’t know when they’re dead.

Junk news! Huzzah!

IN THE NAME OF PLUGS. ONE FOUGHT IN THE NAME OF PLUGS

Can’t decide between the Mark Up and the English Mark Up? Me neither. If you’re having the same problem that I am, ask Letawsky at Ask411. He’ll tell you which one to read.

Oh, and the award winning A WRESTLING TALE is back with an episode you won’t soon forget. Like I usually do, I look at the world of wrestling from a skewed position. Come and see what all of the hype is about. I guess I’m the only one hyping it. Well, it’s good.

Also, if you like reading me but don’t give a crap about Excess, read the Excess report. I lent Flea a hand and I think it came out well, except for the fact that he ruined some of my jokes. He doesn’t understand that the joke is still funny if it’s on him, something that I think I have proved I understand. Anyway, read it.

Speaking of Flea, let’s talk with him, shall we? Oh, I was trying to get a dead man to talk with me instead, but it didn’t work out that way. Instead, I talked with Flea and then got a very special guest to join me.

ME AND FLEA

Ryder Fakin: yeah….so are we doing Flea and Grut tonight?

VPJG: I don’t know anymore. I’m so sad…

VPJG: I can’t stop weeping…

Ryder Fakin: and why is that….i got such good feedback for our EXCESS thing

VPJG: Yeah, that was fun.

VPJG: I’m feeling better.

VPJG: How are you doing?

Ryder Fakin: see, the flea, is for …eh..nothing cool ryhmes with flea

Ryder Fakin: i’m on top of the world

VPJG: Drunk, are we?

Ryder Fakin: well, the other part of “we” is passed out and in bed…but yes, i am…

Ryder Fakin: have i told you lately how much of a prick i am? Our kid has been kicking my ass at the x-box games…she is seven

Ryder Fakin: i don’t know nothin from video games since Atari and Intellivision

VPJG: I don’t want to tell you to beat her, cause that’s wrong…

Ryder Fakin: never…anyway…so i went on Ebay and bought an Atari with all the trimmmigs….Pac Man , Galaga, Xenophobe, all the above

VPJG: Maybe challenge her to a game of basketball.

Ryder Fakin: that ain’t fair….neither is kick the can…so the Atari and shit got delivered yesterday….i rule!

Ryder Fakin: and win….i f*cking kick the kids f*cking ass in Pac Man….”wher’s the x-box? what is this? waaa waa waaa…

Ryder Fakin: ha ha and ha is what i say

Ryder Fakin: i rule

VPJG: This is child abuse. You’ve scarred her for life.

Ryder Fakin: bullshit….i spent TEN FUCKING DAYS learnignhow to paly the stupid x-box car game…she’s back for 2 hours and beats my ass at it….ATARI!!!! ~~~~~~~

VPJG: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

VPJG: Hope that teaches you a lesson. The old shall always be destroyed by the new.

Ryder Fakin: only if that rat prick gates is involved

Ryder Fakin: ATARI…!!!

Ryder Fakin: and man..did i tell you how good i am at Itellivision football?

VPJG: No, but I’m sure you will.

Ryder Fakin: waaa!!!!! Flea cheats….(yes, my kid calls me Flea….)

Ryder Fakin: you should be thankful i don’t ramble like a drunk

VPJG: Thank God. Still, I think that the other person I’m doing a “Me and Somebody” with is going to upstage you.

VPJG: I’ll publish both, but you shall be the bridesmaid.

Ryder Fakin: let em……you are lucky i don’t say f*ck every f*cking othe f*cking word, f*cker

Ryder Fakin: call the “somebody” a bitch for me

ME AND CRZ. (HEY, CRZ. FLEA THINKS YOU’RE A BITCH.)

VPJG: I do this thing on my report where I talk with other internet writers and publish the IM conversation at the end. I’ve done it with Keith and Widro and Flea and such. Would you mind doing one with me?

See Our Zed: Oh man, it’s gonna SUCK, though

VPJG: Why? You seem like a nice enough guy.

See Our Zed: I dunno – every time I see one of these I think “why did this person think what they had to say was SO IMPORTANT”

VPJG: Oh! But that’s the difference between mine and everyone else’s. This is one of the most unimportant things on the internet.

VPJG: You have anything important to say?

VPJG: I don’t.

See Our Zed: Nope

VPJG: This is just simple stuff, like, “Hey! You’re CRZ, the most importnat man on the internet as far as recaps go. How’re you doing?”

VPJG: But spelled correctly.

See Our Zed: When would you want to do this?

VPJG: Well, we’ve been doing it.

VPJG: It’s being done.

See Our Zed: Hmmm. But “24” will be on soon and I’ll have to blow you off

VPJG: I forget that you live in California.

VPJG: I haven’t gotten in to 24. I’m more of a Buffy and Simpsons man myself.

See Our Zed: I’m pretty sure those air at different times!

VPJG: Yes, well, hmmm. Would you, CRZ, the most important person on the internet as far as Raw recaps go, say that he likes 24 more then wrestling?!

VPJG: Actually, I’d like to see a 24 recap. “Keither Sutherland is WALKING!!!”

See Our Zed: You’re too kind – I’d say no, I do not like 24 more than wrestling

VPJG: Good, because we would have to vote you out.

VPJG: Scott Keith has been bringing people against you.

VPJG: I don’t wanna play Judas or anything, not even in Jesus Christ Superstar, but someone had to tell you.

See Our Zed: I have NO idea what you’re talking about.

VPJG: Well, I can’t be more vague. So, how is 21? It’s about Keither Sutherland throwing away his crappy movie career to protect a black congressman, right?

See Our Zed: “…with surprising results!”

VPJG: It kind of reminds me of when the Big Bossman came in to protect Booker T.

See Our Zed: That just means you’ve never watched the show, though

VPJG: I once caught the ending of it. There was a clock. Also, I read they had to edit out a plane bombing part in the first episode.

See Our Zed: That’s true

VPJG: Does that mean, in your opinion as the most important person on the internet in terms of recaps, that the terrorists have won? If we edit our shows, do we concede to them?

See Our Zed: Yes, absolutely!

VPJG: Shit. Now I need to learn the new prayer crap and grow a beard. Which way is Mecca?

See Our Zed: www.mecca.cz

VPJG: cz? As in CHRISTOPHER ZIMMERMAN? How are you involved with these people?

See Our Zed: I’m looking forward to hearing from “DJ Funky Skunky” myself

See Our Zed: Do you ever worry that your readers will see right through this blatant attempt to pad your column with filler that you couldn’t write by yourself?

VPJG: Oh man. If they don’t, then I’m writing for idiots.