A Wrestling News Report 2.01.02

Happiness is getting drunk with a friend while watching Smackdown. I did that tonight, and that’s why there’s no Smackdown thoughts. It was the first time I saw the Desire video tonight, and I marked out big time. Marked out like a mother.

NEWS!!!

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Scott Steiner is currently booked to appear on the February 24th WWA ppv, but that could change if the WWF gets involved. Scott said that he feels back in shape and is ready to start beating motorists again.

Justin Credible and Raven are headed for the HWA, which stands for Hardly Working Angles.

Lance Storm will not shake hands with you before he eats, germ boy.

WWF Raw for X-Box will have a Limp Bizkit song for the commercials. I don’t know if this is the soundest move. As a wise man once said, “Limp Bizkit! Why risk it? Tikow.”

The WWF sold out a whole bunch of places in January. However, they’ve yet to sell out to Ted Turner. GIVE UP TEDDY! Billionaire Ted. Heh! He refereed a match between the Nacho man and the Hukster. I just recently discovered Wrestlecrap.com archives, and it rules. If you can find them, go there.

Junk News! Huzzah!

SMACKDOWN YOUR VOTE! No seniors, not literally! No wonder the election was screwed up in Florida. Old lady, it’s just an expression. NO! YOU JUST VOTED FOR PAT BUCHANAN! NOOOO!

Smackdown Your Vote is headed for a high school near you in May! Here’s what you can be expecting.

Jerry Lawler has promised to go into every single girl’s bathroom and locker room to find out who’s not registered.

Scott Hall will stop by, as he’ll be talking to several high schools anyway as part of his community service.

Chris Jericho will drop his character and seriously encourage kids to vote before Rhyno gores him through a table. He’ll turn to Stephanie McMahon for his reward and she’ll sadly shake her head.

Booker T will talk about not having the right to vote as a convicted felon and will then bite a black British guy on the ankle before screaming obscenities at a white English teacher.

The Rock will say something along the lines of, “IF YOU SMELLLLLLLALALALALA WHAT THE ROCK IS ” and everyone will yell, “COOKING,” but the Rock will say, “Voting.” Everyone will moan with disappointment.

The other speakers will hype up Kevin Nash and Hulk Hogan for a few hours, but they’ll come out and pretty much disappoint the crowd.

Vince McMahon will promise a huge surprise, and the Gobblygooker will emerge from a voting both followed by Jimmy Snuka.

Triple H will say that he is the game, and that he is that damn good. He will then pose for 20 minutes.

That’s enough of that.

COULD THIS BE AND IM-POSTER? HAHAHA! IT WAS A PLAY ON WORDS. You’ll get it in a minute, then you’ll be laughing. Bastards

There’s a new poster for Wrestlemania courtesy of 4w-Wrestling.com. Hey, Widro or my new main man Ashish, I know we’re not the bastion of late breaking news, but you think you could put us on a list so we can get crap like this too?

Anyway, the poster had Stephanie and Jericho posing together. Everyone has been clambering for Stephanie and Jericho to get together, but you don’t see where it’s going. Vince isn’t going to lead the NWO. Neither is Flair. It’s going to be Stephanie with Jericho, because no big angle can go on without Stephanie. Actually, the7’ll make a good couple, and Stephanie will eventually dump Triple H and start boning Chris in real life cause she’s like that.

Ladies and Gentlemen, say goodbye to any chance I ever had of working in the wrestling business. Bye Bye, chance!

No Smackdown tonight. My friend is here. It was great!

PLUGS

Let’s do the shnizzle. First up, Jonathan Hurtado wrote me a letter. “Can I ask for a small favor. Our Japan correspondant wrote an excellent column regarding the video game scene in Japan called Gaijin. I was hoping if you could provide a link to it in your news column. Here’s the link if you decide to link it. http://411wrestling.com/games/article.phtml?games_id=66.”

Second of all, Ron Gamble has three columns up. Here, here and here. See if you can figure out which one is which! I doubt you’ll be able to.

Letawsky scores again with Ask 411. The man knows his wrestling. Still, I like to challenge my non award winning co-columnists, so I have a question, Craig. Have you ever heard the wolf cry to a blue corn moon? If you can answer that, I have several follow up questions.

Joshua Grutman, 411’s only award winning columnist still writing a column for the site, has a new Wrestling Tale entitled Tazz and Triple H vs. The Rock and Chris Jericho. Joshua Grutman does some brilliant fantasy booking, and when I say fantasy, I mean fantasy. Eric S says that this column is so weird that he is now worried about Grutman, but that’s only because Eric S’ imagination died long ago. By the way Eric, do you have AIM? I’d like to do a Me and Eric S for my column. Maybe get inside the head of the most controversial wrestling columnist ever. I mean, there’s NO ONE more controversial then you. When you RETIRE, I’m sure everyone will still be talking about that crazy, controversial Eric S. I want to talk to the person who revolutionized the wrestling column, making it possible for us writer to discuss outside interests. Yes sir, I’m calling you out, Eric S! Maybe you can finally shed some light on the past controversies since you’re not involved anymore. You won’t be pulled back in, you’ll just be giving your fans a taste of what they missed. You can finally tell them who you really are. COME ON, ERIC S! Let’s do it!

Heh. Really, all I need is that last guy and then I can move on to bugging Bob and Dave.

Let’s end this with a spotlight column I got today. I met this guy online today, and he seemed like a decent guy. He was having a conversation with me about life. Maybe he was trying to trick me or something, but we talked about college and got me comfortable with him before he asked me how I got a job writing at 411. I told him I sent in two spotlights and was hired. I told him to send in a spotlight, take the week. He did it in about an hour, and it was very good. I liked it, but we’ll see what Widro thinks of it. Now Dino is going to write another one for me and send it in. If it’s any good, there’s a possibility he could have his own column, although the odds of that happening are simply eh. But you have to take eh chances if you want to go straight from not being on the internet at all to being an unpaid columnist at a high hit site like 411. Anyway, I like Dino. Hopefully you will too.

SPOTLIGHT COLUMN

By Dino cerealbriskduke@msn.com

Man, I can remember when I was young. Oh, that really sucks that I can actually say that now. Well, I’m only twenty, so I guess I SHOULD say that I remember when I was YOUNGER. Yeah, that’s better. Back in the late eighties, early nineties, I remember when I was the only kid in my school, be it elementary or middle, that watched wrestling. See, the boom of the eighties was pretty much done, and it was back to hearing all my friends talk about how wrestling is fake, or how they’re all a bunch of gays in tights, and all that fun dinner talk.

Sure, that would bug the hell outta me, especially when I’d show up to school in sixth grade with my British Bulldog t-shirt, and everyone would just start laughing at me.

But then, something worse… much, MUCH worse, came about. In 1996, as anyone with something that at one time could have been considered even PART of a brain knows, Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, and Scott Hall formed the nWo, and suddenly, professional wrestling was on its way to becoming “cool” again. However, this time, there was a little deal called the “internet” to help with its momentum.

In 1996, my only internet access was at my cousin’s house, and the only site I ever visited was, duh, WWF.com, because in internet terms, I was a “mark,” and I didn’t know anything about “behind the scenes” reporting or whatever.

So I’m a sophomore in high school, and now, I have random people asking me about the nWo. They’re giving me the “For Life” hand gesture, they’re trying to do the “touch devil horns” thing, and all that good stuff. It was actually pretty cool.

Then the WWF came around, kicked Bret Hart out of the fold in a move that still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, and began their “Attitude” campaign. Now people were telling me how Steve Austin was gonna kick everyone’s ass, “and that’s the bottom line, cause Stone Cold said so!”

THAT started to get a tad annoying, because though I loved Austin when he was Stunning and I dug him as a Ringmaster, the truth was I hated him when he was Stone Cold. The reasoning was simple though; he picked a fight with Bret Hart, and that’s something that you just don’t do.

So now, it’s late 1998, and I finally get AOL. One of my friends comes up to me, and gives me a list of a few sites and I, wanting to know as much as I can, go to them. Suddenly, a whole new world is opened up to me. I can read SPOILERS! I know about backstage politics! Someone’s pretty pissed about having to “do a job” to someone! This person thinks that person is a “vanilla midget!” I was like some dork at his first rave tripping off an unhealthy amount of E. It was all new, and it was all good.

This, however, is where my current gripe started. It’s pretty much my fault, but that’s not really the point here, okay? See, once I had my eyes opened to this new world, I decided that anyone who wanted to talk about professional wrestling with me should know, too. So I started a Professional Wrestling Club at my school. That’s right, just like a chess club or what the hell ever you want. It was there that all the internet geeks shared their stuff, talking about why this person should “job,” why this person should “get the belt,” and all that crap. Soon, I was so sick of this “smart” rhetoric, that I ditched it. I didn’t read spoilers, I tried to stay away from “news” reports, and only read opinion columns and reviews. But the damage, sadly, had been done. Though I graduated in 1999, the damage I had caused had not truly hit me until this time last year.

A friend of mine had decided not to return to school for the Spring semester, and thusly, stayed here in California. Every Monday and Thursday night, he’d come over, and we’d have mini Raw / Nitro and Smackdown parties. At first, it started innocent enough.

“Oh dude, that move was totally blown.”

“Wow, that was a pretty bad camera angle to have there.”

“Do you think Triple H is gonna job?”

Soon, three comments or questions a show became three comments or questions every two and a half minutes. There was no way around it. It was as if he felt the need to impress me or something by giving me these “smart” comments whenever the time came.

I guess I should’ve told him that I had turned in my “smart” card a while ago, and was back to being a stupid mark once again.

However, a breaking point finally came. Last year, as the WWF came down the Road to Wrestlemania, Triple H and the Undertaker had an encounter in the ring. Undertaker was handcuffed, and was hit in the head with a sledgehammer by Helmsley. When Taker raised his head from the canvas, an ungodly amount of blood was dripping all over the place. Now, instead of just enjoying how cool it was, this is what I had to endure:

“HOLY CRAP! He didn’t really hit him, did he? Is Helmsley gonna get in trouble for that? I can’t believe Undertaker isn’t pissed off right now? No WAY he really hit him! Where’d they hide the blade, man? I didn’t even see him blade. That was unreal, man… what a manly bladejob.”

Now, on the replay, if you had eyes, you could see Taker slicing his forehead. However, I wasn’t gonna explain that to my friend. So, wanting to see a little “mark” come alive in him, I simply looked at him, did my best “shocked” impression, and uttered:

“Dude, Undertaker is a stud. I don’t think I could EVER take a shot to the dome from a sledgehammer.”

With that, he sat there, his jaw nearly hitting the floor. Then he let out a cackle of pure glee, because he was now in love with just how tough the Undertaker was for not being dead after being hit in the head with a sledgehammer. Sure, he still asked me if he’d get a raise for taking such a shot, but that was a small price to pay for getting him to shut the hell up with his stupid “Hey look, I’m a smart fan, too” questions. And all was right with the world.

But there were still plenty more battles to be won…

I’m Joshua Grutman and I loved that story. Enjoy Flea, and maybe I’ll see you on the Excess report. If not, I won’t be shedding any tears.