A Wrestling News Report 2.08.02

Welcome to my junk news extravaganza. There’s slowly drunk Smackdown, plugs and a Spotlight also.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Scott Steiner passed his WWF physical today. When asked how it was possible for Scott Steiner to pass the physical, WWF representative Miracle Max said, “Well, there’s dead, and there’s mostly dead.”

The long war between the WWF and DirecTV has apparently come to an end. Congratulations DirecTV users. You can now see the Rock/UT classic in a few weeks.

The NWO now has its own website again. No word yet on whether or not Jeremy Borash is going to write more of his stupid articles for it.

The current plan is for the NWO website to contradict everything on the WWF website. I’m telling you, have Big Show go NWO and write a response to the Ross Report every week. “JR is still a fat hypocrite.”

In what may very well define irony, The Undertaker and Kane will appear on America’s Most Wanted.

On Howard Stern this morning, no one was able to win a date with Stacey Keibler. It’s no wonder. The game was, “What’s my catchphrase?”

It Ain’t Sumo Still will be on April 28th on In Demand. Watch the show. BUY THE T-SHIRT! MAKE US MONEY!

Macho Man has had time to talk to readers of 411wrestling.com. He said he’s not coming back to the WWF and Hogan won’t last long. He was also dressed in his wrestling gear. Does anybody else find this kind of sad?

Scott Hall really pissed people off backstage by being the life of the party and offending some with his comments. Most offended was Spanish announcer Tito Santana, who did not appreciate being called ‘chico’ by a gringo.

Scott Hall was also drunk. (This is unconfirmed. In fact, I made it up. However, I’d say the odds are pretty damn good.)

Lance Storm likes Canadian cities. He hates Pittsburgh, Marietta, and New York City. He said while he felt terrible about 9/11, he hates New York and all New Yorkers. While riding to Madison Square Garden on the E train, he has to sit next to some black woman with 9 babies, some fag with AIDS, a whoops! Sorry, Lance loves New York City.

Schwarzenegger has been pushing for Chyna to appear in Terminator 3. Sometimes I wonder why his career is dying when I see him trying to get an ugly, untalented ex-wrestler who’s highest profile gig was on Celebrity Fear Factor. I mean, the man knows what he’s doing.

Stone Cold jobbed to that bitch on the Weakest Link. Chris Jericho, expected to appear, was attacked backstage by Rhyno who gored him through two tables and turned to Stephanie McMahon for his reward. Terri and Debra were bothered about their boobs by the host, who appears to be a lesbian. Stone Cold was apparently very stupid, which is odd considering he’s from Texas.

Tantric will join the Roaddog as the only performers on the WWA pay per view.

There was an iron man tag team match at the OVW tapings between two guys I’ve never heard of and two other guys. It lasted half an hour and Scott Keith gave it 5 stars two weeks from now. How do I know? I HAVE MAGICAL POWERS!

Also, Leviathan pinned Sean O’Haire, who is officially this close | | to being fired.

Junk news extravaganza! HOBOY!

SMACKDOWN DRUNKENESS

Why do I drink? Because I need to.

Stephanie is pregnant and they’ll renew their wedding vows next week on RAW. With the NWO coming in, this is the leading storyline. Fine. The Young and the Restless it is not. Stephanie is the greatest actress of all time. Congratulations Stephanie. Hey, Hunter looked happy. Wait till he figures out on RAW that he’s not the daddy.

Once again, the best opening music for a show on television.

They showed a guy with a Justin sign twice during the crowd panning segment. EC will cut a 5 pages article on him next week.

Rock is here! Rock is angry. Rock got hit in the head with a pipe. He doesn’t announce what town he’s in. He’s so mad. He’s challenging UT, but Booker T comes out. Hey, he’s stealing the Rock’s interview time! Rock is a sucka with a big ego? Now they will fight. No, first the Rock will talk some more. Rock and Booker T are going to make a movie. Ugh. I think I saw something like that in the porn section. Oh, it’s not a match. Here comes the ref, yes it is? Nothing spells racial harmony like a ref in a black and white shirt. So, they’re fighting. Rock is winning. Now Booker is. There goes Booker. They’re outside the ring. Now Booker is winning. WOW! OW! HOLY CRAP! NO WAY! OHMYGOD! Rock is winning. They’re moving kind of slowly. Now they’re doing the we’re both knocked out bit. No one is winning. Punchy blocky punchy backy time. I hear that the power of the spit is kind of like the power of the ring. Big pose down tonight. Big kick for Booker. Here comes the spinarooni. Spine buster. Elbow. Booker T jobs to the elbow. Wow. I’m a great play by play guy. Let me give this match some stars. *******

NWO stuff. They’ll be at No Way Out. My ex girlfriend wrote me. I should get offline. Nah.

I’m going to drink more.

Some stupid show is coming to UPN about single people who live together or something. AS IF. Looks craptastic.

Smackdown plugging Space Jam. That’s great. They’re at the Staples Center, which is owned by some kind of office supply store.

HHH and Stephanie are talking to a doctor with an Australian Accent. They can see a picture of the baby. 8 weeks is going to be a very important number next week. Stephanie isn’t much for subtext. She’s just stating it all out there. There’s Angle with a baby carriage. Cole is shock Angle has one.

There’s nothing like the WWF live. Except for the WWF DEAD!

Hungry Man has a commercial with a white boy trying to steal food from Booker T. Once again, how ironic. (He robbed a Wendy’s.) I’m going to give that commercial some stars. ****

More NWO junk.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Angle with a baby carriage. HAHAHAHAHA! I bet he has a midget inside that carriage! Well, well, well. That’s a good opening line. Kurt Angle stole Booker T’s line. I bet someone dared him to do it. Kurt is repeating himself. “That’s a gimme.” That’s cute. Steph is having a baby? The opening segmant and long bit with the doctor didn’t say anything about that! Triple H would be a great dad. HAHAHA! I’m not a scientist, but Triple H is not a man. Uh oh. Kurt Angle shows a gorilla with a big nose as being Triple H’s baby. Maybe Chyna and Triple H’s kid. He now has banana’s for the stuffed monkey. I bet Triple H’s music hits soon. Nope, no music. That makes the angle better. Music would have ruined it. He’s taunting him. Angle has something up his sleeve. No he doesn’t. That’s a good heal character. Someone who knows they’ll get their butt kicked but just keeps on going. AND NOW HE’S LAUGHING AT HHH FROM THE RAMP! Good stuff. Let’s star this segment, shall we? ************

You know what burns fat faster then Stacker 2? Jogging. And fire.

By the way, it’s all about the game, and I ain’t playing.

That Blimpie commercial has the most annoying woman ever in it. EVER!

There’s an invitation for the wedding vows. This will not go well. I see it ending very, very badly.

More Edge Regal Rikishi stuff. Here comes Regal. I like his little jog. Are all five music entrances going to be used? Yep. D-Von is wearing a No Way Out shirt. Next week, when I do the drink for everytime they say No Way Out, if he wears that shirt I’ll be forced to count it and be dead. RIKI! RVD (with chants of his name eliminated)! Edge, with a suspiciously bigger reaction then either of those two. If Rob Zombie was there, why didn’t he sing his song? There was some guy on the ramp as the match began. It looked weird. Vince, fire that guy. RVD does a split to show that he has no penis. See what smoking pot will do to you? Also, when you buy drugs you help terrorists, unlike the American govt’ who would NEVER fund terrorism. The fans seem to dislike Regal. Edge is probably one of the guys pissed off about Hogan, Hall and Nash. Bubba mocked RVD. Now the fans are chanting his name. Those weren’t edited out. Did you know the WWF had a PPV called No Way Out? I didn’t until I saw D-Von’s Shirt. Edge is hurt. I wonder if he can make the tag?! Crawl Edge YES! Here comes RIKI! SAMOAN DROP! REGAL MISSED BREAKING UP THE PIN! RVD DROPKICKS D-VON! REGAL WITH A POWERBOMB! EDGE WITH A SPEAR! BUBBA WITH ROUGH ANAL SEX! RIKI MAKES BUBBA TOSS HIS SALAD! 3 D! IT’S OVER! IT’S ALL OVER! Let’s give this match some stars. Wait, let’s wait for the after match shenanigans to end. Knucks and Regal stretch. Edge’s liver is bleeding. Now let’s star this match. ************************************

Mentos help me come up with creative ways out of sticky situations. God, if I could just stop feeling guilty about the body count, it would have been the perfect crime. Thank God for those Mento’s and damn him for them also.

NWO crap.

Posedown crap. Here comes the champ! I need more beer.

Flea is so wrong about Jericho. Jericho is now a legitimate champion. He is no longer Some Other Guy, or SOG. He is now Guy, or G. He likes gum. What happened to the Canadian alliance? Everyone’s telling Jericho he’ll lose at No Way Out to Austin. YEAH! TO HELL WITH STONE COLD AND WAITING! LET’S SEE HIM VS. AUSTIN TONIGHT! I don’t think Austin has any guts in his ass. Isn’t that impossible? HERE COMES AUSTIN! Wait. That’s the fat guy from Mad TV. He hasn’t spoken yet, but his impression has been good so far. Will the fat guy job tonight like he did to Bret Hart? Oh, they’re doing the what and where and who bit. This could be funnier. RUN FAT GUY FROM MAD TV! IT’S THE REAL AUSTIN! Oh no. I can’t tell which Austin is which! They’re both wearing the same t-shirt! Everyone bitched when Oklahoma made fun of JR’s Bells Palsy, but no one is complaining that Will Sasso is wearing knee braces. HYPOCRITES! WHICH AUSTIN IS SPEAKING? I think it’s the real one, but how can I be sure? Which one is the true Austin? These two can be the next two killer bees. Bye Jericho. He should have done commentary. Austin smells like beer constantly? I might try to drink him. Austin won’t be on Mad TV is he hits this guy. STUNNER! STUNNER! BUT WHO STUNNED WHO? DID SASSO STUN AUSTIN OR VICE VERSA?

Sasso is selling the hell out of it. Let’s give them some stars. In fact, a star smily face

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Maven and Al Snow are talking. Well, Maven isn’t saying anything. Funny bit. Nice eyebrows on Maven. Tazz is probably hiding in there and will attack UT during the match.

NWO crap.

There’s Paulina. She has nice boobs. Flair and Jericho! A non title match that will preview Wrestlemania! Maybe. HHH and Jericho.

Maven now has the winner of Tough Enough in his intro as well as cooler intro music then most anyone else. It’s different. Here comes UT. Hopefully this won’t be the blow off of the feud. I love this. Feuds like this is why I’m a fan. Screw the torch. Maven looks pretty good. Stalling to start. YEAH! HIT HIM! Damn. Wow, I’m actually marking out and typing it. I know how the match will end, but I’m marking out. I’m a fan! This is actually a pretty good match so far. There was a garbage can. Guy in a red jacket, probably security. Now the match is boring. UT dispatching Snow into the crowd. I loved the We Want Head chant during the Rumble. UT is just toying with Maven. SNOW WITH THE BELL! No. Nice height on the jump by Maven. Uh oh. UT wants to punish Maven. Here comes the Rock. Oh man, the crowd can feel it. The crowd is going nuts. This should be remembered as the greatest moment of the year in wrestling this year. Screw win/loss records. Maven beating the Undertaker makes me feel good. It really does. Infinite *’s.

I am drinking Bud Light right now which contains the drug alcohol. Am I supporting terrorism or a Super Bowl Sponsor? Thank you! Eric S will be back on Tuesday with more political commentary for you.

Am I wrong, or is Pink hot?

More NWO crap.

Good, now Cole is putting the win over as it should be. Can we see a celebration backstage? Nope. Just on the ramp. Here comes the posedown. Lesbos and gays. Stacey and Torrie win. I’m going to drink and enjoy it.

That was enjoyable. Stacey’s music sounds like the intro to More Human than Human. I thought it was a cute bit. ******************************************************************************* ************************************************************.

Chuck and Billy are working their gimmick well. They deserve the stars. Stacey gets her heal heat back and everything. Is it heel? Have I been typin it wrong? Whatever.

NO WAY OUT IS ONLY TEN DAYS AWAY! Or 70 if you’re a dog.

I hear that in the next Lord of the Rings movie, they break from the books and have Froto and Rudy (I think his name is Sam in the movie but he’ll always be Rudy) have gay midget sex. They rename it The Lord of the Cockrings.

They’re pushing the Valentines Day Smackdown. I can’t believe it’s in a week. I don’t have a Valentine. Damn it. If any of you girl readers want a Valentine, e-mail me. I’d ask Lora, but she’s taken and doesn’t like me like that. She stopped Iming me cause I got annoying. Please, any girl who finds me funny, LOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Vince and Triple H are TALKING!!! Vince told Hunter he was a piece of meat. Hunter likes to overact, doodah. Doodah. Hunter likes to overact, all the live long day. The doctors said Triple H would never step back in the ring or recover from years of steroid abuse to his penis. He proved them wrong on one count. Man, this is boring! Why’d we want Hunter back so badly? He speaks so slowly. So Vince will walk Steph down the aisle. He didn’t get the chance last time. Man, I think my ex watched a soap opera with a grandpa not being able to see his child. This is so dumb. Man, just have the child be born already! Why won’t this end? Are they going to do this for seven months? Angle is added to the match. Good. I like Kurt Angle. He’s fun. My friend asked me what happened to the Hardy’s. I don’t know. I just don’t know. Two billion *’s.

Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?

More NWO crap. Hogan, Hall and Nash. Or HoHaNa!

There’s the Rock. He and Taker will never be even. There’s the Taker. CHOKESLAM ON THE LIMO! Here comes an Austin killer. UT kept Rock’s head about 2 feet from the hood. The Rock should have said, “Mommy?” That would have been funny. Still, it was okay. DUD! BONZO GONZO!

They shill for Rob Zombie. That’s the No Way Out theme song.

UT attacks the Rock again? No, it’s from moments ago. That sure take me back. Now the Rock is dead or dying or something. When did Sgt. Slaughter get permission to help EMT’s? Or Earl Hebner? Should Coach be happy? The Rock is a dick to him.

Here comes Angle again. Fireworks and crap. Kurt Angle and Chris Jericho are so valuable to the fed right now. They’re the 1 and 2 heels. Soon, they will be useless as Hogan, Hall and Nash take their spots. Hall is pissing off a lot of people. Hey, guys, relax. So he’s a jerk? So what? It’s time to play the game! He pours water on himself at the top of the ramp. Hey, Hunter, the showers are BACKSTAGE! Jerk. I need to pee. The spraying of the water was too much.

I’m back! The fog has lifted. Eat the gifted. Something something. The three guys are fight. One of the bad guys plays dead while the other one gets his butt kicked. Vince should declare himself the father of the baby. Vince Russo, that is. The greatest angle of all time. That would have been so stupid. Russo is a moron. Screw Hyatte for that AAT he wrote about Russo. I think I’ll plug that later. Beer makes Smackdown so much better. Keith is right. Really, if you’re a girl, especially in the NYC area, e-mail me. We can be Valentines. I don’t care what you look like, only what’s inside you. And if you put out. I’m 21 and have money. I’m gonna say it. PUT JERICHO OVER AT WRESTLEMANIA! That’s right, you want the guy to be able to fight in the main event at a PPV if you need a filler? He needs to win at Wrestlemania. Actually, what do I care? Do what you want. Maybe give me a job. I’m creative. Have you read A Wrestling Tale? On second thought, don’t do that.

It’s amazing how much you can type without realizing it.

Still the dead one bad guy and the getting ass kicked other one. ANGLE SLAM ON THE CHAIR! IT’S OVER! Great match. Makes you think. I just saw a big PWTORCH sign. If you don’t work for the company, shame on you. Shame, shame, shame on you. That site is filled with poor opinions and hardly any news. Here comes the Terri part. Well, still have the kid, just make it be retarded.

That’s that. I like Smackdown.

PLUGS!

TOYS RULE! Visit the figure section, because I enjoy collecting and playing with wrestling figures. Sure, I’m 21 and all, but I love it. Are you happy now?

Art’s back with a master rap, and you can choose between Sean and Scott. Which Smackdown report will you choose? HMMMMM. You know, now that Scott post’s his before Smackdown on the East Coast somehow, Sean is kind of obsolete. Bye bye, Beantown.

That’s that.

SPOTLIGHT COLUMN

Before we begin, I asked him not to curse, so excuse the bad curse word replacements.

cerealbriskduke@msn.com (Dino)

What the hell is the deal with everyone considering the Shawn Michaels / Razor Ramon ladder match at WrestleMania X a “classic”? Seriously, I saw WrestleMania X live on pay per view, and I’ve watched my tape countless times in the near eight years since. I just don’t get it, really. I even have a bit of the same problem with the Savage / Steamboat match at WrestleMania III, but that’s more because of how it holds up today. When I watch that match, I at least know it was a solid, damn good match.

But Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon was boring. Yeah, that’s right, it’s BORING.

They start around doing your normal wrestling stuff, and then it’s time to get the ladder. From there, it’s the same damn thing time and time again. Do something with the ladder, then lay around for a while. Get up, do something with the ladder, then lay down again for a long ass time.

Now, sure, I’ll give you Shawn Michaels’ splash from the metal giant as a cool point, cause I’m a sucker for stuff like that. So obviously I also dug it when he stood on the top turnbuckle, and rode the ladder down onto the prone body of Ramon. Again, a brutal and VERY effective maneuver.

But two SWANK moves does not make a five star classic. Hell, even if I went all “smart” on you guys, there’s no REAL storyline here. Michaels says he’s the champ, Ramon is recognized as the champ. That’s the issue. Really, it could’ve been Michaels / Martel at WrestleMania X, but Ramon came out on top against Martel to be crowned the new InterContinental champ in the first place. So, two guys thrown together for an insta-feud have their FIRST MATCH in a ladder match? I hate gimmick matches that’re used like that. They should be used to settle something. Bret Hart and Owen Hart in the steel cage, Steve Regal and Fit Finlay in that junkyard match, Undertaker and Mankind in Hell in a Cell. But to START the deal? Gimme a frickin break.

Lucky for you, I’m NOT going all “smart” on you, so count your blessings. In my not so humble opinion, there are two matches that occurred that sacred March night in Madison Square Garden. Anyone with a hint of a brain knows that the Brothers Hart tore down the house with the opener, in a match that was LIGHT YEARS ahead of the ladder match. I knew it when I was twelve, and I know it now that I’m twenty.

The other one, you ask? How about Randy Savage and Crush, falls count anywhere? They kicked the living piss outta each other in a BRUTAL match, and in “smart” terms, they were blowing off a feud that had started months ago for a REAL reason; Savage didn’t help Crush out while he was being turned into a Hawaiian pancake by the late Yokozuna, and when Crush came back, he was a tad agitated, and proceeded to decimate Savage on Raw. It was a pretty sweet part of the show, too.

Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon? Sure, the third best match on the card, but what was there competition after the aforementioned BETTER matches? Doink and Dink against Bam Bam Bigelow and Luna Vachon? Or how about that SHIBBY match between the ~Todd Pettengill voice~ cocky Quebecers ~end Todd Pettengill voice~ against Men on a Mission?

And what about the end of the vaunted “classic” match? Michaels gets tipped into the ropes, crotched, and has his foot tangled, struggling to free himself as his opponent ascends to the heavens to pull down the gold. Even in 1994, and actually rooting for the Heartbreak Kid, I asked aloud NUMEROUS times why he didn’t stop squirming. Seriously now, if he had just laid down, then got to a standing position with his free foot, he could’ve EASILY freed himself, and tipped Ramon. But NO! He just HAD to squirm around like a moron, making an already painfully boring match that much worse.

Look, I guess I respect the historical implications the match has had on ladder matches since, but even the Russofied Chris Benoit / Jeff Jarrett ladder match from either late 1999 or early 2000 was better received by me. My advice for those that consider the ladder match at WrestleMania X the “greatest its genre,” or an “easy ***** classic,” need to sit down and watch it again. There is no way anyone can honestly watch two guys sock each other with a ladder, lay down, and do it all over again for twenty minutes give or take, and consider that exciting.

I know I didn’t.

End.

Say what you will about it. Say Dino is an idiot. Say he doesn’t know what’s what. Say you disagree with him. The boy can type. He is talented, he has a different opinion then most people on the internet, and he likes wrestling a lot. Damn it, Widro and Ashish, do me a favor. Even if everyone hates this, give the kid a job. He’s a nice guy. You’ll like him, and considering that you’re not paying any of us, having another nice guy to talk to has to be a plus.

By the way, I’ll take full blame/credit if he flops or rocks.

Enjoy Flea. You’ll probably see me on Excess. It’s starting to be fun. Eric S will be up later this week. I am THE GRUTMAN!