Quick mail-in version of this week’s column, after suffering through the worst week of my life. Stomach flu had me puking my guts out all day Monday, then shitting the rest of them out all day Tuesday. So, as I try to catch up with all the work I missed, lets bang this out quickly and get it done.
I’ve also decided that old skool NES still rules especially because games are FIVE BUCKS. F all your fancy pants Computer Games.
Raw
HHH started with an interview. Oddly, he was dressed in full wrestling gear and made his wrestling entrance, complete with water and everything. If you can imagine, Booker T broke up the interview and they had a match. You know, impromptu matches seem much more impromptu if the guys aren’t already in their gear. The match was designed to make sure we all know that H COULD have beaten Booker T handily last week, but didn’t because he got distracted.
Billy and Chuck came in the girl’s locker room. Torrie and Stacy aren’t friends anymore. I don’t quite know why, but whatever. It appears Billy and Chuck have a prototype calendar available. Torrie and Stacy laugh at them, and they propose a posedown for Smackdown. I look at the structure of that last sentence and part of me dies inside.
RVD was the HE that Goldust was talking about. I would like to point out I said that last week. Of course, I picked three guys BUT ONE OF THEM DID TURN OUT TO BE RIGHT, GALL DARN IT!!! Goldust still does Shattered Dreams, and I guess a reverse neckbreaker is his finisher now. Um Curtain Call, maybe?
Team 5’4†kept the tag titles against both the APA and Billy and Chuck. The clock is still ticking on when Tazz turns on Spike. I give it four more weeks, max.
Regal kept the IC belt from Rikishi and Edge came out to remind us all that he still exists. Edge is feuding for the IC Title, and RVD is going to be jobbing out to a returning Goldust. Where the hell is this federation’s priorites? Oh yeah, now I remember Stephanie skits.
Steph made the big announcement that she’s pregnant with HHH’s baby. I don’t even know how much space I want to give this since she’s not pregnant. Which means it just depends on what odd twist they want to put on this. It made the goal, though which was making H happy with Stephie again. H did get the line of the week though with: “What is it with you McMahon’s? Why does everything with you people have to be on live TV for everyone to see?†She busted this out as Hunter had finally started getting pissed off with her and was about to leave her in the ring. Then she used. Everyone but Hunter seems to realize she’s full of shit including the crowd who started a “bullshit†chant.
Jazz beat Trish for the Women’s Title. And, the number of people who remember there’s a women’s title rises to six.
And, in a show of great creativity they ended with a tag team match. This one was Chris Jericho and the Undertaker vs The Rock and Steve Austin. Some dude from the crowd attacked Jericho, and he apparently got pounded into goo before security came to take him away. I don’t know who won the tag match I’m tired of them and basically have started to ignore them.
Smackdown
Smackdown started off with Booker jobbing out to the Rock. Big surprise. Rock used the People’s Elbow as a finisher nothing else in wrestling bothers me more. This is the worst finisher since Hogan’s Leg Drop. Now we have a possibility to have a match which pits Hogan’s Leg Drop against the People’s Elbow. Smell the workrate.
Steph and H met with a doctor on camera who said the baby was just fine and showed H a sonogram. Does this prove she’s pregnant? Hell no for five bucks and a case of beer I could get one of MY friends to say he’s a doctor and that I’M pregnant. If you want, just ask him his name’s Baker and he writes Video Game reviews for the site.
Kurt Angle gave a hilarious interview that actually had morons in the crowd forgetting to say “what†for two goddam minutes. He brought out a stuffed Monkey with a fake nose on it and called it Baby H. You had to see it to find it funny, probably, but trust me, it was.
RVD wrestled in a six-man tag that didn’t involve Goldust. In fact, they barely mentioned Goldust the entire match. A bit of continuity probably wouldn’t have hurt them here. RVD did team with Edge against Regal. No mention was made of the one minute defeat of Regal by RVD. Anyway, Goldust didn’t come out to do anything in this match. The only reason I really mention it is to point out more lack of continuity on WWF television.
Will Sasso did an Austin impersonation for Chris Jericho. Austin didn’t take too kindly to it. It earned Sasso a Stunner. It was a balls-on accurate impersonation of Austin, though.
In a major upset, Maven beat the Undertaker for the Hardcore Title. It wasn’t a clean win anything, but I guess they finally decided to suck some heat from him while he has it. People certainly seem happy to cheer him on call it the Patriots syndrome. He’s the Underdog. Problem NOW is getting established guys to sell for him. We’ll call THAT the Goldberg syndrome.
The posedown approached porno. I couldn’t find lotion fast enough. Luckily, I caught it on tape. Then, Torrie and Stacy came on.
H decreed that Vince will never ever get to see his grandson. I find that hard to believe considering even BIRTHS in the McMahon family will probably have to happen on live television.
Old New World Order ads were peppered throughout the show. They’re going to make their big debut at No Way Out. Even money says they help Jericho keep the belt against Austin and cause a screwjob in the main event. Which will lead to a Hogan/Austin Wrestlemania X-8 match. This is my current prediction. The two superstars explode.
The WWF didn’t even mug David Arquette in the audience. He was in the crowd with a sign that said “Former World Champ.†I can’t IMAGINE why they didn’t talk up the fact there was a former world champion in the audience.
Undertaker, in a pretty cool little spot, Tombstoned Rocky on top of a limo. I guess by taking piledrivers out of everyday matches, they really do mean something. Of course, it would have meant something on top of a limo even if Taker DID still use one at the end of every match.
HHH wrestled Jericho and Angle in a handicapped match. This was stupid. I hate handicap matches by general rule. HHH lost and Angle and Jericho stalked Steph. It ended up with Steph getting landed on by HHH after he got knocked over by Angle. If anyone actually questioned if she was “really†pregnant, that should answer it.
The Week In Wrestling
If you ever wondered what the meaning of “auto-pilot†is at it referrs to a wrestling program, this is it. The federation is trying to get to No Way Out so they can get to the next stage of the nWo storyline whatever that next stage may be. The problem is, they’re SO MUCH on autopilot, they’re forgetting to get us fired up for the PPV, which is what CONTAINS the next stage. What do they have, something like three matches set up? If I didn’t know the nWo would be there, I would have really no interest in watching this PPV. If they’re relying on those three guys’ drawing power alone, it says something about what they think of their own product right now and it doesn’t say anything good.
The pregnancy storyline is going to lead noplace necessarily good. Everyone knows Steph isn’t really pregnant, except HHH. This is going to be used as a tool to further their ultimate and final divorce. I’m assuming whatever IT is, it will be revealed on Monday. Since H’s match is with Kurt on the PPV, I’m assuming it’ll be him. Otherwise, it’ll be Jericho. Depending on this, we’ll see how Jericho will keep the belt whether the nWo helps him or whether H himself helps him. We all know Jericho isn’t beating Austin clean and he probably shouldn’t, since he’s the bitchy heel right now, but we are all kind of assuming Jericho’s going to win. If Jericho wins, we also have to think about what they’re going to headline Wrestlemania with. Austin/Hogan is completely possible, and would probably bang quite a buyrate, as the marquee match. Do they waste that now, though, or build to it for next year? Second question, does HHH allow himself and his big title win to get eclipsed by a match that people have been waiting for since WWF started to make a comeback in 1998? Third question, where does it leave the Rock for the big show? Also, does Michaels insert back into this storyline? If he does, he NEEDS to be on the side of the nWo. He made a HUGE deal about joining the nWo when it was in its heyday. If he comes back, I can’t see him NOT joining them. If he doesn’t come back, I think the WWF is wasting him.
Of course, as it’s coming about, the WWF is going to have a hard time not calling themselves an old men’s federation anymore, the same thing they SLAMMED WCW for when they were losing. I can let that go, though. The WWF was against the ropes at the time, and had to grab onto anything they could.
I don’t know how the whole RVD/Goldust thing strikes me just yet. Mainly because I like both guys, and I’ve always been a reasonably big fan of the Goldust character, besides the time he REALLY went off and was doing the Marilyn Manson S&M stuff and the early, REALLY gay stuff. I also have a feeling it’s going to lead to Goldust beating RVD for his first big match which continues the burying of RVD, which makes no sense to me. I don’t know why the WWF wants to ignore the fact that people LOVE Rob Van Dam. Not a month ago, he was riding the fast track to the top of the card, now he’s in six-man tags at the beginning of the show. Why they’re not putting the IC title on him and letting him have a long, solid run like Paul E did in ECW is beyond me. The IC title made Shawn Michaels’s career, and it kept him happy for a while. Not saying give RVD the title for two years like he had the TV title for, but I don’t think a six month reign after Wrestlemania is beyond the realm of logic. Feud with mid-card heel after mid-card heel. People will be screaming for him to get a World Title shot by Summerslam. Is that what they’re afraid of?
I’d also like to point out how sick I am ((again)) of tag team matches and handicap matches as main events. Has no one else noticed that every single one of these matches are the same goddam match over and over again? I think the problem is: we’ve all noticed, the WWF has all noticed, but they don’t think we’ve notcied. Having JR call each of them a “huge†match doesn’t do much for me either. A tag team match isn’t huge, especially when they happen every week. In fact, they do nothing but hurt the credibility of the federation when you have “bitter†enemies working together constantly. I wrote a whole Cheap Heat on that a while back. I don’t even know if it’s still on the site.
That’s going to cover me for this week. I told you it would be short and nasty. Look for me later in the week with a video game review of Dark Alliances for PS2. Until then.
End Transmission.
