A Wrestling News Report 2.14.02

SWEN! (read it in a mirror.)

BEN MORSE IS A NERD

Grut,

here’s the link to the auction, please pimp it bigtime in the news!

http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1705493284

-Morse

Watch the WWF’s RAW live on a Monday night of your choice with two of your favorite columnists from 411wrestling.com, internet celebrities Ben Morse & Jay Breuer! You must provide your own transportation to Groton, CT, but you will receive a great night of wrestling viewing in Jay’s plush, fully-furnished apartment, free snacks and drinks, and of course the witty and insightful commentary of Morse & Breuer! Plus, who knows what other wacky guests will show up?! Groton is located approximately 1 hour from Hartford, 2 hours from Boston, and 2 hours from New York City by car (directions will be provided to winning bidder). Payment accepted via PayPal, cash, check, credit card, or money order.

Okay. All right. Right now the biggest bid is 1 cent. Keep it that way. Don’t one person pay a damned cent for this. There’s ridiculous, and then there’s ridiculous. Ben Morse is probably laughing his ass off as he reads this, because this is exactly what he wanted me to do.

Ben Morse writes the Mean when he feels like it. Jay Breuer does who is Jay Breuer? Should I know him? These are people to be avoided at all cost. Do not pay to watch Raw with them. E-mail me. If you live in New York City and have TNN, I’ll come over to watch RAW with you for free. If you’re 21, I’ll even bring a 6 pack of beer. You’ll need to send me some age verification. I just don’t have cable anymore.

Repeat: Go to that link, and you’re an idiot. Morse wants to see what he can squeeze out of you guys. Morse is so juvenile. Why pay a guy who has never won a 411 Award so you can go over to Connecticut to watch RAW when you can get me, 411 Winning Best Columnist, for free?

Morse sucks Breuer. By the way Jay, sorry if I should know you.

SMACK SPOIL POP!

Vince and Steph talk, Test and the scourge of Wendy’s talk, the Godfather makes you an offer you can’t refuse, Spike and Booker fight, Flair and Jericho talk, Billy and Chuck talk, the APA talk, Billy and Chuck and the APA fight, Austin and Debra show up late, Steve Austin talks, Val and Regal fight, Austin and Jericho talk, Dust and Tajiri fight, Dudleyz and Flair talk, Jericho and Kane fight, Vince and Hogan talk, Vince and Steph and Angle and UT talk, UT and Angle and HHH and Maven fight, but the show ends with talking.

This is going to be so awesome. It’ll be like watching Oprah, but with small intervals of fighting.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Superstar Billy Graham is almost dead. For some reason his liver is ruined. Call me insensitive, but I was never a fan. I mean, I was 6 after his prime. I will however refrain from calling him a cracker.

At No Way Out, the New World Order is expected to interfere in The Rock and Steve Austin’s matches. I bet Hall gets drunk and eliminates the Hardyz from the Tag Team Turmoil thing. “Hey yo, Rock. Both of you, Austin. Hey yo. I’m going to be sick.” “SOMEBODY STOP MY EX-HUSBAND!”

The winner of the 411 poll as to the father of Steph’s baby was nobody, proving that 411 polls directly influence booking decisions. Widro’s new poll, “Which wrestling diva will have sex with Widro,” is not going so well, as Jazz is leading.

Rikishi beat Bossman on UK Heat in a retirement match. Bossman now has to retire from appearing on UK Heat until the next PPV.

Lot’s of more clues on the news board as to the split. Look for it to be above the legs but under the lower back of every wrestler in the federation.

Once again, the Academy has ignored my work and instead given 13 nomination to Lord of the Rings. Why do I even make these home videos? It’s just me crying for 3 hours.

Junk News! UH HUH!

Let’s try something new, shall we? Oh, Widro thinks this a terrible idea.

DIE, SLAUGHTER! DIE!

Yeah, Slaughter. I’m talking to you, Mr. USA! You think you’re so big? You think you’re going to cinch in that Cobra Clutch? You think you’re some kind of hero? I know a hero, and his name is THE IRON SHEIK! He threw you right over the top rope in that gimmick battle royal, depositing you on the ground like the piece of trash you are! I bet you thought it was all over, that you were done forever. No way, USA! I’m going to uncrumple you from the trash bin and throw your right back into the ring. I’m gonna rip the heart from your body and reveal it as the cow heart we all know it is! MOOOOOO! MOOOOOOO! Yeah, Moo for me punk! What are you going to do, spit on me? You’re old, you’re weak, and you’re prime pickings for me. You want a boot camp match? You want a hell in the cell? I don’t care, I just want to see your butt in that ring while I’m there! You’re going down, you piece of filth. I’m going to make your momma wish you were never born.

If you would like to cut a promo on Sgt. Slaughter, send it to me and you might see it published!

PLUGS

Figures are fun to play with. I got a Triple H doll at the Toy Fair, and it talks to me. It tells me to do things, like brush my teeth and get dressed. It’s really helpful.

Rivett learns to hate Goldberg. I think he’s the only wrestler I really hate. He’s the only one who would make me turn off RAW if I saw him.

You can either Ask 411 or see which Indy wrestler we spotlighted. Your choice.

Video games are fun to play. Go to the games section.

Widro likes to dance on tables for money. If you see him on a table, pay him. There! Are you happy now?

Click on the banner on the top of the page or don’t. I won’t see a penny for it.

I don’t particularly care for toys, but PK and Widro made the toy fair fun. I made this commentary track with my tape recorder to look like a reporter but was mostly me making bad jokes, so I might put that up next week. I did do a ME AND PK so he won’t hate me anymore.

ME AND PK

VPJG: How you doing?

PK: tired, yourself?

VPJG: I’m okay. I just watched Happiness. Sick movie.

VPJG: Did you have a good time at the toy fair?

PK: ya, we just walked around taking stuff

VPJG: Get anything interesting?

PK: eh, not really

PK: stupid little trinkets

VPJG: I understand. Trinkets are stupid.

PK: but we got alot of them

VPJG: Nice. Any plans for the trinkets?

VPJG: Devious plans, perchance?

PK: sit in a bag until next year, when I get a whole new bag of trinkets

VPJG: And then continue to construct the trinket ray?

PK: sure

VPJG: Look out! He’s got a weapon made of novelty toys!

PK: haha

VPJG: Did anyone try to grab you when you stopped? When I stopped, people tried to grab me.

PK: yes…

PK: it was quite annoying

VPJG: Next year, don’t the website a major news source.

VPJG: Don’t make the website, rather.

VPJG: Maybe Canadian New Novelties or something.

PK: why?

VPJG: APM? It’s kind of misleading. And you don’t get anything cool, you just get hassled.

PK: it was misleading to you probably becuase you made it misleading

PK: in both years Jon and I went 2 years now and only 1 person thought AP stood for Associated Press

VPJG: Well, I won’t deny that I did. I won’t deny that when I didn’t show up today, many people were crushed and confused. I won’t say I don’t have about 25 business cards.

VPJG: I won’t say any of that.

PK: nice

VPJG: So, how are you?

PK: tired and soar

VPJG: Soar like an eagle, or sore like a PK?

PK: I havent slept much since Sat, and I wrestled tonight

VPJG: Oh! I didn’t even know you wrestled. I kind of recall you mentioning it.

VPJG: What’s your wrestling name?

PK: Ace S Stanford

VPJG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

VPJG: Ace is a funny name.

VPJG: It always cracks me up. Ace.

VPJG: Who’d you fight tonight?

PK: just practice

VPJG: I gotcha. Practice is tough.

VPJG: What school do you go to?

PK: none anymore

VPJG: Backyard?

PK: kind of…

PK: Ive went to Wild Samoan for about 3 weeks

PK: dint get the money to stay

VPJG: Crap. Got anywhere or anything you’d like to pimp in the brand new ME AND PK section of the news?

PK: gee…let me think

PK: maybe Figures and Raw?

VPJG: You got it! Go to the Figures Section and then read Raw. Got a message for the kids?

PK: Don’t try this at home

VPJG: Thank you.

PK: can I throw in a HUZZAH!

VPJG: Nope. It’s done.

And so am I. Bye!