A Wrestling News Report 2.15.02

Well, let’s get busy. Happy f*cking Valentine’s Day from the ex-love doctor. Stupid Valentine’s day.

News.

So depressed. Can’t type in caps. Junk news. Yay.

ESPN.com had an article comparing wrestling to figure skating. That’s nice. Now me and my girlfriend can watch the Rock dress up in sequins to sniff together sniff. WAHHHHHHH!

Sorry, junk news yay. Jackie hosted the Smackdown party tonight, all alone except for her huge breasts. I am just like Jackie. Sob. We’re both all alone in NY. And we both have huge breasts.

This Saturday, Kane and Undertaker team up with John Walsh to take on wrestling killers. Are they finally going after the Giant Gonzales? He’s that guy who killed that guy, right?

Harder then Hardcore Japanese crap will be on the dish network. God, it’s Valentine’s day and I’m writing about a show I’ll never watch on a network I’ll never have. Time to load the gun.

Lance Storm hates the Olympics. A foreigner with the ability to get in and out of the country who hates the Olympics. Terrorist!

Heat did a 1.4. Excess did a 0.95. Together, that’s 2.35. What does that mean? I’m desperately lonely.

Why doesn’t anyone love me? Why when someone loves me do I chase them away? Like Widro and Amanda. I chased them all away. I don’t know why he left our field of love, but it must have had something to do with me.

I’m unhappy. I should be doing something more with my life. I should be out right now looking for love. I’m not. I’m typing this.

SPOTLIGHT COLUMN

BFPisBUFF@aol.com

Hey, found one. It’s the Hogan one. Hope you like it. Lemme know.

“Wrestling star thinks movie will win Best Picture Academy Award”- by BFP

The Academy Awards have always been the most prestigious honor bestowed upon the movie world. To be an academy award winner is to be in an elite class of filmmakers, legends of the silver screen. But now, a legend of the squared circle is preparing for the long and winding road to Oscar.

Over the years, wrestling and the movies have had a somewhat sketchy past. Some films starring wrestlers have done well, such as Rocky III, The Mummy Returns, and No Holds Barred. Others though have not had the same luck. Santa With Muscles, Ready To Rumble and Hell Comes To Frogtown are a few of the most notorious bombs.

But one man is out to end this. He wants to claim a victory in the land of wrestling related movies by winning the Academy Award. That man’s name is Hulk Hogan. And that movie is Suburban Commando.

Ignoring the fact that Commando is well over 10 years old, Hogan feels that this year the Academy will recognize just what a marvel it truly is.

“You see, I play a guy who fights aliens from another planet, AND I END UP IN THE SUBURBS WITH A NORMAL FAMILY! And as they teach me family values and the basics of life, I teach them how to use deadly weapons and kill aliens, much like I had that Jap Yokozuna killed…….hey, can you strike that part from the record?”, Hogan said.

The remark was not stricken from the record, as Hogan was simply talking to a box cover of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

When reached for comments on Hogan’s early declaration of victory, the Academy Board of Directors, Oscar G.G. Emmystein said, “While Mr. Hogan feels very strongly about his film and its chances in this years awards, I am inclined to disagree, at the very LEAST, that he’ll win Best Actress. Not when Julia Roberts has an upcoming role playing a divorced lesbian abusive mother struggling to survive, and oh yes, she’s mentally retarded. She’s got ALL the required “Best Actress” bases covered, hands down. Though I’m sure Mr. Hogan would win in a boxing match, HA HA, that was a little joke I made.”

Upon making this wretched joke, Emmystein was beaten and anally invaded savagely by a nearby panther.

This news didn’t deter Hogan and his unrelenting march towards Oscar. He staged a 3 million dollar ad campaign, buying TV time slots on all major cable networks to have a rare simulcast television commercial, in which he announced that if he did NOT win the Academy Award, that no-good Russian Nikolai Volkoff would surely win, and America doesn’t need to lose to the Russians again, like we did in World War I.

Fellow costars of Suburban Commando don’t have such high hopes for the films chances. Christopher Lloyd was recently asked his thoughts on if the film would win an award.

“I’ve got a better chance of winning the Nobel Peace Prize for my role in Camp Nowhere than Hogan’s got at winning an Oscar. He was a horrible actor, he was stiff, showed no emotion and every scene took at LEAST 13-14 hours to do because of his relentless insistence on using the phrase ‘banjo sucking raccoon humpers’ to end every single sentence!!”, said Lloyd, of Back To The Future Part II fame.

When news reached Hogan about his off camera attitude, he was aghast that Christopher Lloyd would say such things about him.

“I am aghast that Christopher Lloyd would say such things about me”, said Hogan. He also went on to say, “For starters, the only reason I used the banjo sucking line so much was because I had 800,000 T-shirts made that said, “My Parents Saw Suburban Commando and all I got was this banjo sucking raccoon humping T-shirt” I think THAT makes a little more sense than me just randomly yelling it out for no reason, you banjo sucking raccoon humper.”

If undying passion was enough to win the Academy Award, Hogan would easily be a shoe-in. Unfortunately, that’s not enough nowadays thanks to people like Tom Hanks, Kevin Spacey and Carrot Top dominating films with outstanding acting jobs. Hogan however feels he can overcome these screen giants.

“There’s no doubt I could easily bodyslam them, and I wouldn’t mind giving Tom Hanks the BIG boot, get it brother?”, Hogan stated. “Sure, I admit there are some other great movies out there that could compete. Bubble Boy was an epic saga of humanity overcoming all obstacles, in this case, a bubble. Glitter showed us that Mariah Carey was more than just a singer who’s getting fat, she’s probably the best actress that’s ever lived named Mariah. Oh heck, who am I kidding, she’s the best actress/diva as well, forget J-Lo! I also think you can expect big things from Leprechaun in Afghanistan and Ernest Goes To The Bathroom.”

While those movies are sure to get some definite nominations (Editors Note: Give Leprechaun the Best Killer Midget Award RIGHT NOW), there is only one film that Hogan really thinks can challenge him for the Best Picture race.

“The only thing I’m truly nervous about is that damned ‘The Princess Diaries’. It was awe-inspiring. You see, there’s this nerd, and she finds out she’s a princess. So they make her pretty and everything works out just fine. The moral of the story is that nerds and ugly people aren’t as good as pretty people and royalty and they deserve to be treated differently. My biggest drawback was why they named it The Princess Diaries but didn’t even delve into her constant pooping problem…..oh wait, DIARIES. I read it wrong,”, Hogan said while skinning a live monkey.

So the stage was set. Hulk Hogan and his Suburban Commando gem was to take on The Princess Diaries in the closest Best Movie Race since the great Look Who’s Talking, the Remake vs. Look Who’s Also Talking Now Again Part 3 battle in 1996. Hogan arrived at the show early, opting not to go with the traditional black tuxedo look that most male stars go with. Instead, he was adorned in a bright yellow Hulkamania! bandana and his Suburban Commando costume. It was showtime.

Hours later, when the show let out, it was a mass media frenzy. Had Hogan won? Were The Princess Diaries better? Was Mini-Me really worn as a bowtie by Arnold Schwarzenegger? The answer to all of these could be yes. But that would be the wrong answer. The Academy felt that NEITHER film earned Best Picture, instead choosing to go with the dark horse candidate of “The Princess Commando”

Despite his hopes being shattered by the cruel fist of Oscar, Hogan still sees a positive spin on all this.

“Oh, this simply puts Suburban Commando in the underdog role. Next year at the rematch we’ll have the fan support and if I can convince the producers of ‘Congo’ to team up, we’ve got an unstoppable tag team tandem that’s sure to dominate Wrestlemania AND the Oscars. And as far as this year goes, it was an honor just being nominated.”

There has been no word yet on if Hogan knows that he wasn’t nominated at all. More details will be provided as I make them up…err, as I hear them.

-BFP

PLUGS

EC is always bitching about something. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but would it be so bad if we sent him back to wrestleline? Don’t mind me old man, I’m just cranky. I’m sure you’re getting Valentine’s head right now and everything, so don’t worry about it.

Cole and Nason have news reports or something. Bastards.

Keith and Beantown should have the Smackdown reports up soon. You’ll read mine next, but I pitch this as a drunken companion piece to CRZ’s report.

Someone wrote something about Dynamite Kid’s book, Pure Dynamite. This title was taken after discovering Spinal Tap was already in use. HAHAHAHAHA! He’s paralyzed. That makes me feel better about being alone on Valentine’s day. Wait, he has a wife. Crap. I got nothing.

Stupid holiday. Stupid stupid stupid. I’m going to love drunken Smackdown.

DRUNKEN SMACKDOWN!

As a pre-pay-per view Smackdown, we will use the entire phrase “No Way Out” or the phrase “NWO” as our drinking words tonight.

HEY! This really awesome girl who I’ve talked to online for awhile and is now single just said she’d hang out with me. Time to start up with the sit-ups again. 1! Ow. 2. Damn smoking and sit-uping at the same time. It doesn’t work.

Opening video. Fed Ex delivers all kinds of bad stuff. I once received my wife’s head in a box. Why does HHH always have to go over at weddings? Nice jobs with Steph’s growl on the sound effects. GET HER OFF MY TELEVISION! PLEASE!

Did you know that people are beautiful? That’s what the opening theme tells me.

1, 2. That was quick. Michael Cole is trying to kill me already. God, someone brought a sign that said, “Why?” Why do they feel bad for HHH? He ran over Stone Cold. He drugged and married Stephanie. Poor him. Steph and dad are back together. That’s nice. Vince is saying that we all lie everyday. He sees a crowd full of liars. I see a crowd filled with comped people. Did Triple H indict Steph? I don’t remember him being the judge, jury, and what not. That was a bad one. HHH must now eternally pay 3 for this. 4. Wasn’t Vince supposed to be all NWO insane. A ‘perfect’ plan? OHMIGOD! STEPH IS GOING TO WIND UP WITH CURT HENNING! 5. Steph wants respect and attention. Talent is what gets respect and attention. Steph ripped up photos. This is dumb. Man, Steph is really going for it. When someone really goes for it, they can get it and really nail it or miss it by a mile. She missed it by a mile. Angle and Undertaker vs. Triple H and Maven. GO GET EM MAVEN! Maven reminds me of one of those fuzzy caterpillars. This is so dumb. I hate wrestling, I’m going all Eric S. Politics are good.

Booker and Test are laughing at Spike. 6. Booker wants to shoot Spike or rob him or something.

Godfather offers 2 ugly, annoying escorts for 1. Sign me up right now! I’d love to see a pimping Papa Shango.

Spike is already in the ring. You know what? I can dig it, sucka. Booker is being accompanied by Test. 7. Booker is giving Test the night off. Choppy choppy. Kneey kneey. Slammy slammy. Cole and Lawler are bitching about Maven still. Knocky downy. More Stephy. Backy droppy. Pinny twoy. Punch the backy. Scizzy kicky. Spinarooni. Nother kicky. Picky uppy the pinny. Suplexy. Small packagey. Upsety. Spikey Dudley! 8y.

Jericho pisses off Flair. They go to his office.

New World Order thing. Very little drinking so far.

Jericho and Flair. Jericho is so great lately. Wouldn’t he still know what he did to Stone Cold without seeing a video? Couldn’t Flair have just told him? I hope Austin didn’t drive after the beer bath. Just imagine him getting pulled over. 9. I like how Jericho called Flair a scared little girl. Are they building to a match with these two? Jericho has to fight Kane. Yay! It’s non title, so Jericho should go over.

Billy and Chuck are here. They got each other chocolate. Damn is not a catchphrase. I thought this would involve much more drinking.

10. Tonight, HHH and Maven fight others. Here comes the APA! Billy and Chuck have new, gayer music. See, it’s like the Hurricane angle. I would have liked it much more if Hurricane Helms had just remained a guy who loved talking about superheroes. The APA gets the jump on Billy and Chuck. 11. 12. 13. NOW for the first time. There’s a match, isn’t there? Well, that’s that. Here comes Stone Cold and Debra.

NWO crap. Let’s drink again? 14.

Here comes Austin. I was hoping someone would talk for 2 hours today, perferably saying NWO and No Way Out an awful lot. We’re adding Sunday to the list. 15. Austin is speaking slowly. He must be really, really angry. Austin is going to talk about being a drug addict. Pain killers? Heroine? Maven? Good thing most of the fans booed Stone Cold the first time he said he was a drug addict. OH! He’s addicted to the championship belt. I think that’s a form of Ecstacy. 21. He went through 6 pretty fast. I like the Sunday rule. He said that 4 times in a row. So many people are the biggest piece of trash Stone Cold has ever seen. He’s going to put some stink on his stunner. Thank you, Rikishi. You have helped.

They did this story on Chyna on the news. What a waste.

Val is in the ring. He’s getting naked and getting ready to fight Regal. I have a feeling this is going to run on. I like the porn music they’re playing in the basket. This woman is a horrible actress. Heart on isn’t funny. He gave her the crotch heart. She should lick it. There goes the shirt. A porn star and a fan have found love. That’s great. Here comes Regal, looking pretty disgusted with the whole thing. 22, 23. Brass on a pole match. That’s nice. Here come the crotch chucks. That was quick. Coach is pissing off Regal. Make him dance, Regal! Nope, he just hit Coach and then Edge speared him. That had to be about 7. This is going well. 30.

I just wanna watch this Jericho Austin thing. 31. 32. Good segment.

The 5th Element will be on UPN. A kind of OK movie. Flair is talking to someone. Dudleyz are bitching to Flair, who does not live under a rock. Here comes Storm and Christian. The tantrum thing is stupid. Let Christian just be 33, 34. 37. Hardyz are back again.

Here comes Dustin. I didn’t want him back, and now I’m so glad he’s here. This is his character. This is who he is. 39. Here comes Tajiri. Torrie is so hot to me, but I’d do Molly before her. Kicky. Butt kicky. Tarantuly already. Moonsaulty. Slappy. Ball kicky almosty. Torrie pleady. Kicky heady. Punchy facey. Curtain Cally. 123y. Torrie touchy. Referee being heardy. RVDy. 5 Star Froggy. 40, 41. 42.

Jericho walking to the ring in one of the best walks to the ring ever. Stone Cold stops him and toasts him. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

43, NWO crap. 44, 45.

Here comes Jericho, my favorite heel champion ever. You read that right. 46, 47. That’s a lot of smoke. 4 8, 49, 50, 51. You, the reader, are so Kane. You probably think this match is about you. Hey, it’s over! Here comes Austin. Stunner. 52. 53. Also, I need to drink with Steve. When Steve drinks, take two.

Promo for No Way Out. 56. 58.

Vince talking to Hogan. He likes poison now instead of cancer. I like HoHaNa. UT pitiying Steph. Shouldn’t UT care about the NWO? I’m loving Undertaker right now, calling the WWF quiet without the Rock. 59. 60. 61. There’s Kurt. Bitching and stuff. Stephanie is ruining this show for me while drunk.

NWO DESIRE! 2 drinks for that whole thing. 63.

Now Way Out Promo. 64, 65.

THE UNDERTAKER IS BALDING! I bet he has hair transplants. Then again, he had really long hair. Still js kind of balding. You’re bald, Taker! And Booker T robs from Wendy’s. 66. 67. 68. I got cigarette water on my floor, so I paused it. Maven has the best music in wrestling. Undertaker vs. Maven is brilliant if it culminates at Wrestlemania. Time to play the Snarf! It’s all about the Snarf (snarffff) and I ain’t playing! This is a good match so far. You should have seen it. The Undertaker is so good lately. MAVEN WITH A DROPKICK AND GERMAN SUPLEX! Undertaker in to kill Maven. Good way to take away the refs attention by Undertaker, with that old time boxing thing. Here comes Angle. MAVEN MOVES! MAKE THE TAG, MAVEN! ANKLELOCK! DDT BY HHH! HHH did the flexy thing again before attacking. Angle’s right, that’s just stupid. Angle with the knee! A very soft sell tonight. MAVEN WITH A TOP ROPE DROP KICK! I saw Cole at heat. He looks gay. OOOOOOH! Powerbomb on the table that didn’t break after immediate impact for Maven. DQ! DQ! 69, 70. HERE’S FLAIR! UT BOOTS FLAIR! UT GOING FOR A LAST RIDE ON FLAIR! MCMAHON STOPS HIM! HE BRINGS HIS UNTALENTED DAUGHTER ALONG! SHE’S SO UNTALENTED! SO, SO UNTALENTED! SHE SHOULD FIRE HERSELF! 71, 72. 73. SHE”S SO BAD! SHE MAKES ME WRETCH! SO, SO UNTALENTED! SHE’S AWFUL! IT’S OVER! GOODNIGHT! GOODBYE! SHE’S JUST SO UNTALENTED! HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! SO UNTALENTED! THIS IS JOSHUA GRUTMAN! STEPHANIE SHOULD BE ON BURLY TV! THAT UNTALENTED BITCH!

Later.