Saturday Evening Post 02.16.02

Maybe it’s time we got back to the basics of love

– Waylon. RIP old boy. But you did cheat death once so be thankful.

Back to the basics of love. Says it all right there kids. Cause basically, your pal Flea is a CHUMP! I’m on my way to Key West at the moment fulfilling my Valentine’s Day obligations. See, Desi (girlfriend) likes to play tricks on me this time of year, only because she knows I hate Valentine’s Day just for the simple reason it gives assholes a reason to be nice to their women. I’m good to her year round and refuse to have a set day for romance, which she knows. But she gets off on taking me to the cleaners on V-Day as we sit in restaurants (Emerill’s at Universal this year – very overrated. Check that. Obscenely overrated) and watch as other couples pretend to be nice to each other for just one evening

You know what? Nevermind. Surveys have shown that you guys want WRESTLING NEWS! So I’ll start over.

*****************************************

Hey there! Welcome once again to Saturday and thanks for joining me, Flea. All systems go as the PPV event of the YEAR is tomorrow. Think I’m kidding? It’s Hogan’s return to the WWF. How in the hell do you top that? Oh, I forgot, Hogan “sucks”. Whatever. You probably don’t need me to tell you to buy the damn show, but I think it will be a worthwhile investment from not only a historical standpoint but match-wise as well. That’s enough with the intro, we gots a lot to cover today.

Let’s get to it .

TOP STORY

No Way Out is all set to hit the airwaves (Direct TV included) tomorrow night. For some reason the February PPV’s by the fed end up being on of my favorites of the year. We’ve had Cactus vs. HHH, the Austin vs. McMahon blow-off and of course last year the 2 out of 3 falls Austin / H match. As far as this year’s card goes, it looks to be a humdinger. Check this out:

Stone Cold vs. Some Other Guy – WWF Title match

I will go out on a limb and vote this Match of the Year right now. Wait, no what the hell, yes I will. Austin will show Guy how a PPV main event match is supposed to go and as long as Other Guy doesn’t step on his dick this match is gonna rule. If you don’t know by now, I am a huge Austin mark, not just because of the catchphrases, attitude, blah blah, blah, but because no one in the business is better. NO ONE! Not promo wise and for damn sure not performance wise when it comes down to a main event match. I have been very impressed with Guy’s in ring work lately as it appears he has decide to go the Flair route – less is more. He’s toned down all the flip flop bullshit and thrown some semi-stiff offense out there. Good for him. I read an interview Guy the other day for ESPN radio where he was relatively “out of character”. Guy was asked if he would be nervous going into the PPV and here’s his response:

“I am a little, because Steve gets really fired up at PPVs. But I think it will be one hell of a match”.

That hits the nail on the head right there. Doesn’t matter how many topes, planchas, moonsaults, or that Space Tiger Flying Drop thing, if you can’t bring the intensity then it just won’t be top shelf. This match will have all the intensity you can handle and then some. The only way this match gets f*cked up is if they book Austin to win. Other Guy has to get the duke here and move along to WMX8. Hope it happens. Wait, it will happen. This is the match of the Year, remember?

Wait a sec .can a Match of the Year have a screwjob ending? We are about to find out – N.W.O and spray paint are in Austin’s future and that’s how Guy is gonna win this thing. Nothing like a good old fashioned beat down and unlike WCW you’ll get to see some BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD.

HHH vs. Angle – H’s WMX8 title shot on the line. And oh yeah, Steph’s the Ref.

Man, why did they have to go and put her in the match? Go back and read last week’s Monday Edition for all of my Steph opinions. I’m not looking at it from a “backstage political bullshit” point of view cause I think all that’s about 98.5% bullshit anyway, but from a “what the f*ck?” viewpoint. Yes, I do understand we need something screwy to happen here (and what better way to be screwy that a “special guest ref”), but come on. I was really looking forward to H and Angle just having a good solid stiff match as H gets back into ring shape. Surely he’s not that out of whack that they need Steph around to distract us from his shortcomings. Maybe he is, guess we are about to find out. If they hold up to the stipulations here, it makes sense that H will figure out a way to get the victory and keep on keepin on to WM. Angle vs. Other Guy at the big show makes no sense at all. Speaking of making no sense at all – think this match will have an N.W.O run in as well? Why the hell not, they already kinda sorta ruined it ruined it by putting Steph out there. And please no more comments about “Dude, she’s gonna be out there in one of them tight ref shirts and we will get to see her tits.” When she has the vaginal fortitude to do Playboy, then I will care.

Rock vs. UT – Respect Match

If you guys that hate UT and to a lesser extent Rock (except for you Eric, because you actually have valid reasons) would take your heads out of your asses, you would realize that this is a match that should be excellent. Not super or outstanding but a solid contest that DESERVES to be on a PPV show. UT bashing has been going on since last year as everyone thinks the guy sucks and doesn’t sell. Can you please explain to me again what “selling” is? Is that when Jeff Hardy takes two suicidal bumps of a 20 foot ladder, still manages not to be dead and even climbs a ladder AGAIN, only to be “speared” into crash and burndom? Oh wait. He LIMPED back to the locker room therefore he “sells”. Fuck you. The UT has found a new passion for performing (which would be obvious if you kids would get off the “smark” bandwagon”) and Rock- E always steps it up for the PPV’s. I’m damn sure gonna enjoy this one and if you don’t, well I don’t care.

RVD vs. Goldust

Not really sure what to think about this one. RVD is Mr. PPV, but he’s gonna have to do some wild shit to top the Austin / Other Guy match or even Rock/UT. Goldust’s PPV performances are as schizophrenic as his character. They are either in the “decent watchable” range or they really, really suck. I think it’s hard to have super shitty match with RVD just because most of the stuff he does is pretty damn cool to watch. Not really sure where they are going with this feud, but a good solid PPV match would definitely be a step in the right direction. Hey! Wouldn’t it be cool if Jerry Lynn came back as a “twisted deviant” that hangs around with Goldust. I mean, he already looks the part, just tweak the attitude a little bit and whammo – ***** PPV matches with RVD!! Look for that angle at a WWF event near you, providing the booking staff has the same supplier of “attitude adjustment” as I do.

Regal vs. Edge – IC Title “Brass Knucks on a Pole” match.

The less said about this the better. The only way (and I have made this point before) Regal is any fun to watch is when he stiffs the shit out of people. The only two people that let him hit them that hard are Finley and Benoit. Neither of them are in this match, if you didn’t notice. I’m a big fan of Edge, but after 3 PPV’s I hope they just end this feud. Give Edge the belt and let him move along to someone like Storm or maybe even Mr. Perfect. Don’t get me wrong about Regal either. I think the dude is entertaining as hell, but when he has to pull his punches and forearms, he looks like shit. Anyway, let’s get this one over with and move onto bigger and better things.

Tazz / Spike vs. Booker T and Test – Tag Team Titles

Hopefully the tag title match gets more than five minutes this time. I like the chemistry between Booker and Tazz and I think that would make a hell of a singles feud somewhere down the line. Test still seems to be the golden boy of the booking committee, which is fine by me. He’ll be a star once he gets a few more years under his belt. And Spike? Well he’s Spike and I have always got a perverse thrill out of watching the kid take a beating. Should be a fun match if they give it some time to develop and they just might as well let Book and Test run around with the tag belts for a while.

And speaking of tag matches

Hardy Boyz vs. Dudley Boyz vs. Christian & Lance Storm vs. Scotty & Albert vs. Billy & Chuck vs. APA – TAG TEAM TURMOIL!!!!!!

Right on! I love these matches. And nobody books a better “bunch of shit happening all at once, doesn’t matter if it’s all that good because it’s NON STOP ACTION!!!!” better than Paul E. I’m sure he’s behind this, don’t you think? And it’s the return of the Hardyz, which is good on account of I have missed Jeff Hardy’z suicidal behavior on my wrestling programs. Hey Jeff! Get the ladder! D-Von! Get the table! Jeff + ladder + table = Flea laughing his ass off. Welcome home Jeffy boy, we’ve missed you.

And there’s your No Way Out PPV. Match-wise it looks to be stronger than ajax, I think. Of course the big news is the pending arrival of the N.W.O as we start booking our way to the big show in March. Glad to see those guys coming into the program as we is about to get a good ol fashioned shaking up around these parts. The only thing I’m still wondering about is will they let the crowd start throwing garbage again, ala WCW. That’s a major no-no at WWF events but was an integral part of the N.W.O gimmick. Means people are really hatin the shit, which is always good if you are a heel. Guess we’re going to find out soon enough.

For bonus points, I will give mad props to the reader that can tell me who invented (or claimed to) the whole trash throwing thing. And I want specific details. If you know what I’m talking about then you will probably have the answer. You know the email address. AOILM is Ryder Fakin. Yes siree.

HEADLINES

Looks like the guys over in Kellerland have been working overtime. The latest breaking news is that Scott Hall is indeed a drunk and is on meds to curtail the booze problems. Funniest thing I read is they were nice enough to also let us know that if Razor drinks while taking the medication, he’s probably gonna croak. HA! The guys at the Torch obviously know nothing about substance abuse or the abusers themselves. Booze and meds combined is how you get a real buzz. It ain’t all that dangerous as long as you don’t fall asleep on your back and wake up dead in a pile of your own puke. And memo to Hall – you really wanna quit drinking? Wanna know how? Didn’t think so.

Also reported over there is that Uncle Eric is in the running to be gainfully employed by the Fed as part of the N.W.O angle. Damn. Did you ever think we would see the day. Of course not, that’s why it will be this is Mark – Out City when he shows up. Don’t be afraid to enjoy it.

DDP was at Yale giving a speech and by all accounts came across like gangbusters. He did the life story thing, the motivation thing and had some fun with the crowd. Good for him. It’s always cool when wrestlers get props for not being a bunch of idiots. Wish the fed would give him something to do; the guy busts his ass for the biz and has a knack for getting over with the crowds no matter what angle he’s thrown into. Oh yeah, he and Kimberly have some baby fever, which means he’s still getting in the pants of that tasty little cupcake. On second thought, I hate him. He has it too good.

THE ROSS SAYS THIS

In the latest Ross Report , well Good Ol JR seems, I don’t know, umm well GAY. No shit. Let me run through a few items of note and I’ll explain what’s up.

Standard laundry list of injuries. Good to hear that Hardcore Holly is only about a month away from returning. Of course all that means is with the way he mouths off, it makes him a prime target for an N.W.O. beatdown. Benoit is doing well, Big Show has got some aching wheels and no one can figure out what the hell is wrong with Steve Blackman. Other than he has no personality. Mike Awesome and Kanyon are expected to return from their respective knee surgeries sometime in April. You know, Awesome is really a dipshit. Not because he is hurt but because he pretty much ruined his career by f*cking over Paul E. for WCW. 70’s fat chick thriller, heh.

For all you guys and gals who like seeing wrestlers on tv, you are in luck. Austin is doing the Madtv thing, UT and Kane are on America’s most wanted and HHH is booked in March for Conan’s show to pimp WMX8. Oh yeah, Fear Factor will eh. I don’t care about that show to much.. Besides, if that idiot Jeff Hardy doesn’t win it, then it’s fixed.

Plenty of hype for No Way Out from Good Ol. I cracked up when goes wild about the Tag Team Title match but then just comes out and says he doesn’t have a clue why he likes it. Ha! I think this Internet thing is rubbing off on him. Next thing you know he’ll be giving us a dissertation on the esoteric ramifications of pop-ups.

And then things start getting weird. Let’s start JR’s thoughts on Val Venis:

What’s not to like, especially if you’re a guy? Tough guy who gets the ladies. Not a bad deal.

Goldust:

Aggression works for me with this bizarre character

Regal:

Plus, he looks nice in a suit and would make Lord Alfred Hayes proud!

Don’t know about you but reading his report makes me wonder what exactly is going on. How does the word “hoss” fit into all of this and what exactly is a Boomer Sooner?

And finally, JR takes us home with these words of wisdom:

The hardest thing for any young talent to develop is the charismatic link between themselves and the audience. Whether it be facial expressions, body English, verbalizing or whatever, the audience must care about the talents they pay to see. Love them or hate them, but never can the audience not care. Some talents learn these skills quicker than others (Kurt Angle) and some, unfortunately, never learn them at all.

Right there is you blueprint on how to be a wrestler, kids. Start practicing that stuff in the mirror and don’t forget that JR likes “aggressive behavior”. Woof.

RADIO GA GA

Many of today’s wrestlers choose to express their opinions and gripes on various radio programs, be it the standard AM/FM stations or the up and coming Internet talk shows. Here is a run down on who said what

Vinnie Mac was on Opie and Anthony promoting the No Way Out PPV. Seems he liked looking at Steph’s tits as much as the rest of the general population. Only problem is THAT’S YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER, VINCE! Oh well, one step closer to Playboy as he doesn’t appear to be uptight about his kid showing the goods. But still that’s perverted any way you look at it. Where is Mushnick? I can’t believe he hasn’t jumped all over this one.

Rock did the Byte This show over on WWF.com and dropped the bombshell that he just might be fighting the Hulkster at WMX8. He’s also ready for the whirlwind of promotion that’s about to occur due to his starring role as the Scorpion King. All Rock, all the time. Hopefully he doesn’t appear on the Cartoon Network in any way shape or form. I’m afraid that might just push Eric S. over the edge. Look for E.C’s report of the show on a website near you.

ROLL THE DICE

For those of you that have received your tax refunds early and have some money to blow, Joey Styles hot line report is still available at the following NEW NEW NEW number – (900)484-SLAM(7526). I just can’t believe that a 900 number with “inside tips” could be of any interest nowadays. Doesn’t everyone who’s anyone have the Internet?

On EXCESS this evening is Jackie, which makes wonder if I should even bother with the report this week. Half the show will be a non stop last minute promotion for the PPV and the other half will be a lesson in the finer points of bad grammar. Oh what the hell, I’ll wake Grut up from his drunk stupor and have some fun. Come join us when the report appears.

IN OTHER WORDS

Brian Cole has his International Report available for your perusal. Go check it out. Par Excellance as per usual.

That pot smoking burnout Art Martinez decided to grace us with another spliffy little Lyrical Stunt, proving that well I don’t know what it proves except that even though he’s a burnout he still manages to do some work for the site unlike

.

..

yep .ain’t nobody else doing a goddamn thing around here. Except Ashish and the newsline. Which is good. And the FORUM, which is well something is going on over there but I have no idea what it is. Go and try to figure it out yourself.

PAGE SIX

That’s all from me for today. Enjoy the PPV and be on the look out for BOSS’S REAL TIME PPV COVERAGE right here on 411. I think he’s doing it, I’m not really sure. But we will have some sort of PPV coverage available as well as a Netcop Rant and The Monday Edition. Come back and join me then.

This has been Saturday Evening Post and I’m Flea.