The Week In Wrestling 2.17.02

Greetings 411 readers! This is Daniels starting up TWIW about a half hour after the end of No Way Out. I have to say, I was a bit unimpressed. I have to admit, I was quite unimpressed with the PPV as a whole. I am sitting at my aunt’s house, on a laptop for the first time. It’s not my laptop, it’s my uncle’s laptop but details, details. I don’t have any of the notes I took for any of the show this week, but I’m going to wing it and see what I can remember. Heat and the PPV are fresh in my mind. Hopefully I’ll get this finished and posted so I can get to bed at some point tonight. It was really nice last week, because I finished the column on Friday, and Widro’s whiz-bang posting system meant I had it ready to post by Friday. Of course, no class tomorrow makes me happy so we’re going with a mostly positive review of the week. One of my buddies pointed out to me that, while I say in person that everything isn’t all that bad, I’m super critical on here so I’m going to try not doing that this week.

We’ll see what happens.

I hear some no name won the Daytona 500? I say no name because I know nothing about NASCAR. I try not to watch any of that fake shit I stick to wrestling.

Raw

The Undertaker still gets a face pop every time “Rollin” hits. He’s kind of doing the thing the New Age Outlaws did. He’s supposed to be a heel, but he’s not really acting like a heel. I think HHH proved it’s almost impossible to change the way people react to you without changing your music. Even Austin changed back to the old music as soon as he returned to faceishness ((new week new word. Why can I do that? Because I’m the goddam writer)). I think I’ve beaten this point into the ground over the last two months, so I’m going to try to have this be the last time I mention it. I wish myself luck.

Chris Jericho had a match against Edge, for no good reason I can discern. This is kind of like when Goldberg was wrestling jobbers on Nitro for the World Title. Didn’t Jerry Flynn get like 12 title shots during his streak? Wait all positive I forgot. It was actually a decent match for what it was. But it was only 2 minutes or so long. How much can two guys really do in 2 minutes? Myself, I can finish masturbating in half that time.

Vince comes out to remind us that this is the last Raw before the New World Order invades and ends it all. At this point, I was still officially excited about it. I think it ended when they showed up on f’n Heat. Now, I’m not kidding the n.W.o. made their first appearance on Heat. I got to the PPV late, and I thought my friends were kidding but they weren’t.

Angle wrestled the Godfather and made him tap the frig out after about a minute. Afterward, Angle hyped the PPV, reminding everyone about HHH and he was wrestling him and whatnot. The Godfather’s escorts were top of the line meat this week. If you saw them, you would realize. I have to take issue with Scott Keith for bitching about the whole “escort” thing. He’d be the first one to bitch about continuity issues ((like me)) if the Godfather completely ignored the year of seeing the error of his ways but now that they’re actually not completely ignoring what he did for a year, he’s bitching about it. People don’t give a goddam if the Godfather is a legal or an illegal pimp, so long as he brings out hot yaks. That’s all he needs.

A story went over the entire show which saw HHH getting a package from FedEx new catchphrase “when you need to stop a wedding fast Use Federal Express.” We would later find out that Linda sent the package which contained a videotape. The tape had a commercial in which the “doctor” who told HHH that his baby was healthy was the emcee. H actually did quite a good job going from happy to super-pissed as he watched the tape. Linda managed to be as boring on the phone as she does on camera. If we ever wondered where Steph got her acting talent, I think we figured it out. It was all Linda. The dudes in the McMahon family have all the acting ability the yaks got the um hm what DID the yaks get?

Undertaker and Austin had a match, which began and ended with a Jericho run in. Jericho got the crazy upper hand on Austin and even beat him with his own beer and cooler. I was impressed.

We had a bikini match on Raw, which I could really care less about. A bikini match on Raw and a brass knuckles on a pole match for the PPV. IS Vince Russo back in charge writing or did some crack addict freak backstage watch old WWF tapes and think “gall darn it all to heck, Chuck this is good shit!”

We’re getting some Mr Perfect skits again. He has to cheat to win nowadays but dammit he’s still Perfect. His first feud? Vs Perfect-Shawn. For those of you who forgot who Perfect-Shawn is, good job. No one else really cares that he’s gone. Actually, I’ll rephrase that he’s OK as long as all he’s doing is running into shit.

Christian has started throwing temper tantrums a la Chris Jericho circa 1997. Hey, Jericho did it and he’s undisputed world champion now.

Vince decided to forgive Stephanie for the whole “I can’t wait for you to die” thing, and trying to take over his company from under him and just the whole bit. Well, they are family, I guess. Howard Finkel tried to let them know that HHH knew, because apparently Howard watches the monitor backstage, but no one else does. At some point, they really should decide who can see the monitor and who can’t. Is it anyone just the audience how does it work?

I know I said I’d try to be all positive for this show, but there’s no amount of attempted positivity I can POSSIBLY come up with for this segment. It was perhaps the longest 15 hours of television ever created. Words can’t begin to describe The “wedding singers” sounded like people they picked off the street fifteen minutes before the show started, and told them . “hey write a wedding song, will ya?” The song was awful, outdone only by the awfulness of their voices. Want to know how worthless the segment was? Steph’s nipples kept popping out of her wedding dress and it was STILL unwatchable.

It ended with H laying into her about how worthless of a human being she was, and how much of a selfish bitch. You know it’s a wrestling show when it ends with a Pedigree. STeph was not crying after the destruction of her wedding she was very upset and made a face that will haunt your nightmares for years to come.

Smackdown

Smackdown was on Valentine’s Day and you know you have a good girlfriend when she completely doesn’t mind watching wrestling on Valentine’s Day. Yes, hun, you all sorts of own.

Steph and Vince have reconciled and realigned with each other. Blood is thicker than water and all that. Hunter’s life is going to be hell from now on, and it starts tonight when it’s going to be he and Maven vs the Undertaker and Kurt Angle. I fail to see how this main event is going to fire me up for the PPV.

Billy and Chuck gave each other Valentine’s Candy and they were feeding it to each other on the way to the ring candy that is not other, more disturbing things. Ew, sometimes you just don’t need to give yourself certain images that was one I didn’t need. Billy and Chuck also changed their entrance music. It’s boy-bandy now. They introduced the “loaded candy box” to win the match. Michael Cole called it the “OLD brick in the candy box match.” I don’t ever remember it going on before. I should Ask411. < --- Cheap Plug for Craig. Steph had promised a big surprise for HHH. It turned out to be that SHE was going to be the special guest referee for the HHH/Angle match on Sunday because just in case we haven’t had enough of her yet we get on the PPV too! Yay. Smackdown was actually so weak it really only merited four paragraphs so that’s where I move on to: Heat

There was only one match on Heat it was the Big Bossman vs DDP. No one really cared, but they did allow DDP a little mic time. It wasn’t much, but it was something. The reason I mention Heat is because the talked about the n.W.o a whole lot and then actually SHOWED them on heat live on the show. They were walking toward the ring as the show ended. When I walked in and was told that I already missed the n.W.o. I thought I was being screwed with but I was wrong. I guess it was to pop some last, last minute buys but jeezus guys blow part of the wad on HEAT??? Give me a break.

No Way Out

The show STARTS OFF with the N.W.O. They come to the ring to set the record straight. They’re not there to be company killing bastards or a poison. They’re there as fans, to make the WWF better. All three of them get a chance on the microphone. I would like to point out that they got huge face pops. I can’t believe I was a half hour late to a PPV and missed a major moment of it. Goddam reverse friggin scheduling.

The APA are now the number one contenders for the tag team titles. So, I guess it’s APA vs Team 5’4” at WRestlemania. I say that because Team 5’4” won the tag title match, beating TNT. No big surprises here except the Hardyz didn’t win.

The n.W.o start going around in the back, introducing themselves to the talent. Ric Flair warns them off and Scott Hall offers Steve Austin a beer. Austin turns it down. I guess they worked us all with the drinking thing either that, or they’re just making fun of Hall either way. I like going with the idea that 1bob and the Torch got worked. They heard shit they wanted to hear and reported it.

Regal managed to retain the IC title in the brass knuckles match. He had his own, “illegal” set of knucks.

HHH actually lost to Angle. Steph was knocked out in the first few minutes of the match. Tim White came in to finish, then STeph came back to finish after Timmy got knocked out then Timmy came back after Steph got knocked out again then oh whatever. Steph stepped to H, which almost earned her a Pedigree but instead it got H two chair shots to the head and an Angle slam for the pin that was a shocker.

Finally, Jericho retained the undisputed title when the n.W.o helped him win a match. Hall gave Austin two stunners and he wound up spray painted post match.

The Week In Wrestling

Like I said last week this week was complete autopilot adding up to this show. The show itself wasn’t all that impressive. I think they wasted the major pop value by showing them early in the show. When they came out, even though it wasn’t supposed to be all that much of a shock, since we knew they were going to be there, it was just kinda like well there they are. Why did they pick Austin instead of the Rock? Rock seemed to be the biggest prick.

Oh wait because Austin would have been here when the Klique was at their tippity top. Wonder if he ever ran afoul of any of them. Interesting question.

Stephanie, again, had decided to get involved with just about everything. She’s got the major story going with HHH. She’s in the smackdab center of the n.W.o. angle. She’s just in the middle again. She’s unnecessary but what are you going to do. She apparently doesn’t get sick of hearing herself talk so we have to deal with it.

The tag team scene really needs some life breathed into it. The APA isn’t really what it needed. They need some new teams in there. Christian and Storm are a decent new team.

It’s 2:30 am I’m tired, so lets get right into:

Where do they go from here

I found the intro of the n.W.o. kind of like a melted sundae. You get the taste, but it’s somewhat unfulfilling. I think they could have saved it for some major pops at the end of the show without showing them on goddam Heat. Of course, I could just be bitter because I messed them but who knows. Now, if they’re expecting to use them for Wrestlemania the major feuds have to be introduced tomorrow. Whoever from the n.W.o. is fighting whoever from the WWF has to be introed and started to build. Hogan/Austin, or Rock/Austin or whatever. Also who the hell needs a Jericho/Angle main event for Wrestlemania? Let’s get friggin H back in the title match. HHH needs his big title win or loss at Mania then again who knows. They need to do something to make Jericho a heel in Canada and they only way they can do that without making him a proud American is to team him with Stephanie or the n.W.o. By the looks of last night, the latter is entirely possible. However, I don’t see a New World Order with Chris Jericho as the leader especially with Hulk Hogan in the fold. That belt has been painted with n.W.o before and will be again by May, if my mind doesn’t fail me.

I’m tired. No cute signoff I’m just leaving.

End Transmission