A Wrestling News Report 2.22.02

AM I DOG? AM I APE? AM I MAN? I AM ALL 3! TONIGHT I CRAWL FROM MY UNDERGROUND LAIR TO FILL IN FOR JOSHUA GRUTMAN! PREPARE, CRUEL WORLD! PREPARE FOR DOG, APE AND MAN!

DOG APE AND MAN NEWS!!!!

WOOF! GRUNT EEK! I STILL HAVE FEELINGS!

Smackdown was on tonight, and it was a dandy! Man was very fairly represented, although the lack of both Dog and Ape was a major turn off for me. I mean, come on, at least put Jackie on! The gay pretty men won the tag titles, reminding me of what a truly hideous beast I actually am.

Ooooh. Sarah Hughes skated wonderfully.

FOOD CONTEST! I COULD DEFEAT THEM ALL IF I COULD APPEAR ABOVE GROUND WITHOUT THE MOB TURNING ON ME! DOG, APE AND MAN THEY WOULD ALL SCREAM! RUN!

Stephanie and Jericho are together. I feel that Dog has now been properly represented tonight.

Scott Hall is being tortured by Stone Cold, which in no way compares to the way the villagers tortured and chased me through the streets, binding my huge ape arms to my poodle tail while my human mouth bellowed, “NO! PLEASE! I AM ALSO MAN!”

UT is challenging Flair. Destroy Flair and his floppy tits which mock my ape tits! He must pay for his indiscretions!

I AM DOG, APE AND MAN!

Christian has quit? Well, I bet he’ll be brought back in when the split happens. Unfortunately, I shall never experience a split as I shall remain Dog, Ape and Man forever, unless I receive the kiss of a horny virgin.

Angle, you leave Kane alone! He stayed with me during his whole seclusion period.

I AM DOG, APE AND MAN! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF SMACKDOWN! DOG, APE AND MAN!

JUNK NEWS, HUZZZZZZAHHHHHHHHHH I AM DOG APE AND MAN!

Chyna has not gotten the role in Terminator 3, proving there is no work in Hollywood for us Dog Ape People.

Scott Hall has behaved like a jerk backstage, proving that even Dog, Ape and Man has better manners then a drunken idiot. DO NOT MOCK ME! I HAVE DIGNITY!

HHH is standing up for the NWO, but where was he when I needed him? SPITTING WATER IN THE AIR, THAT’S WHERE! DAMN YOU TRIPLE H! DAMN YOU AND YOUR CRUEL FRIENDS!

The WWF may call in Rey Misterio Jr. to help their crusierweight division. They still refuse to call me in for their Dog, Ape and Man division. IT’S ALL RIGHT HERE! ALL 3 PARTS!

Storm wrestled Chris in his first match ever? Which Chris? It doesn’t say, but my good friend and neighbor Bob Ryder has all kinds of info so I should find out tomorrow. Bob is the only one who understands.

I AM DOG, APE AND MAN!

DOG, APE AND MAN COPY AND PASTE WHILE BARKING AND EATING A BANANA

WWF Conference Call: NWO, Ratings, WrestleMania, DirecTV, The Split, More

Posted By Ashish on 02.21.02

The WWF held a conference call today featuring Linda McMahon (CEO), August Liguori (CFO), and Tom Gibbons (Investor Relations). Here are highlights:

-The WWF-DirecTV deal is for 18 months. The money division between the two sides will remain the same.

-WrestleMania X-8 is scheduled to be the highest grossing WWF event in history. Fans from 15 different countries will attend.

-In May, the WWF will do 4 shows in Europe: 3 in the UK and one in Germany.

-The NWO is already a success judging from the No Way Out returns.

-The plan is still to split the roster in two.

-The advertising market has been hard on them.

-Deals are in the works to increase distribution of the WWF JAKKS action figures.

-The WWF wants to expand their video game line to include wireless games, news updates, ring tones, and more.

-Closing the XFL saved them $4.6 million.

-The WWF had talks with Playboy about starting a 24 hour network since the two target the same audience, but the WWF decided they did not want to be mixed in with Playboy content.

-Following the split, the WWF will probably add an additional PPV per quarter at first and then possibly add more depending on how things go.

-The increase in the cost of PPVs will be announced in April.

-Neurotica, the first band on the WWF’s Smackdown Records, will have their debut CD released in May.

-They are hoping to double the size of their creative staff.

-Chris Benoit will return in the spring.

-Over 100,000 of the No Way Out buys came from DirecTV.

-The WWF got $2 million in “executive producer” fees from the “Scorpion King” movie. They will be involved with the merchandise and promotion of the movie.

-Said the ratings decline has ended and that the audience is starting to come back.

Thanks to 1wrestling.com.

I AM DOG, APE AND MAN!

DOG APE AND MAN PLUGS

Fight Club was great this week. Check it out!

Best Excess ever this week. Grutman and Flea have great chemistry together. By the way, thanks to Grutman who let me fill in this week. It’s nice to get out now and then.

The rankings were updated, as Morse has returned!

Gamble is back, as is Keith and Beantown. I must now return to my lair, but first I must talk with Joshua’s female friend.

DOG, APE and MAN and NYCDQGIRL

Dog Ape and Man: AM I DOG? AM I APE? OR AM I MAN????

NYCDQGirl: who is this?

Dog Ape and Man: I AM ALL 3!

Dog Ape and Man: I SWING THROUGH THE TREE LIKE AN APE!

Dog Ape and Man: I BARK LIKE A DOG!

Dog Ape and Man: I STAND ERECT LIKE A MAN!

NYCDQGirl: WHO IS THIS?

NYCDQGirl: ??????

Dog Ape and Man: I AM DOG!

Dog Ape and Man: I AM APE!

Dog Ape and Man: I AM MAN!

NYCDQGirl: leave me alone

Dog Ape and Man: I AM DOG, APE AND MAN!

Dog Ape and Man: NEVER!

Dog Ape and Man: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU COMBINE THE 3 NAMES????? DAPAN!

NYCDQGirl: whatever. I’ll just block you

Dog Ape and Man: please don’t. I’m so lonely.

Dog Ape and Man: Ever since I was transformed by the scientists, I have suffered in human eye.

NYCDQGirl: come on…do i know you or what?

Dog Ape and Man: Do you know the pain of being a man, an ape, and part doig. Just the tail, anyway. Then you shall know me.

Dog Ape and Man: You do not respond.

NYCDQGirl: what should i respond to?

Dog Ape and Man: To my being both dog and ape, but also man. Tell me, are you part nyc and part dq as well as girl?

NYCDQGirl: sure why not

Dog Ape and Man: THEN YOU SHALL BE MY BRIDE! WE SHALL BE DOG, APE, MAN, NYC, DQ AND GIRL!

NYCDQGirl: let’s!

Dog Ape and Man: GREAT! So, um, wq

Dog Ape and Man: what’s your name?

Dog Ape and Man: Are you interested in a dog ape man?

NYCDQGirl: it’s what i’ve been dreaming of.

Dog Ape and Man: FINALLY! I AM WAGGING MY TAIL AND EATING A BANANA AS I TYPE, BEING DOG, APE AND MAN AT THE SAME TIME!

Dog Ape and Man: Are you mad at your freak?

NYCDQGirl: ummm………no. how’d you get my screenname?

Dog Ape and Man: I have my ways. There is plenty of time to get screen names living under the ground for so many years.

Dog Ape and Man: Afraid to surface.

Dog Ape and Man: Afraid of what the mob may do to me?

NYCDQGirl: well, i gotta go. nice talking to you.

NYCDQGirl: TO BOTH OF YOU!

Dog Ape and Man: YOU MEAN THE 3 OF US!

I NOW RETURN TO MY SEWER! I AM DOG APE AND MAN!