I can feel no sense of measure
No illusions as we take refuge in young man’s pleasure
Breaking down the dreams we make real
– Yes, “Leave It”
In Memoriam: Chuck Jones. That’s all that really needs to be said, because even I’m at a loss for words trying to sum up the body of work that he left. If I hadn’t seen What’s Opera, Doc about a week ago, thus confirming the fact that he was the greatest cartoon director of all time and that cartoon was the greatest of his work, I think I’d be a lot more devastated. As it is, it’s a body blow. It’s tough to lose a personal hero. Nice of that to happen on the same day that Brad Siegel gets his wish and kills Late Nite Black and White on Cartoon Network, replaced by an anime block. Makes me want to go out and shoot CN programmers in Chuck’s name. However, I’ll spare them for putting all Jones cartoons in the Sunday morning Looney Tunes block and on Toonheads.
And on that note, let’s move on to the normal backbiting and snide comments for this Tuesday. Last Wednesday was a no-go for me due to a combination of the Head Cold From Hell and my Net access going out until it was too late for me to do anything. So I’ll try to make up for lost time.
THE PIMP SECTION
Keith on Raw. As well as PK on Raw.
Gamble continues his experiments in social engineering for our benefit.
Mahaud with a double of Flashback and Heat (although his bad moods are nothing compared to mine).
Memo to Flea: I think Grimes was just paying back New Jack for the suicidal blown spot that caused NJ to be severely injured in 2000. Remember, it was that spot that caused Dave Scherer to go off on ECW fans being vampires and caused me to start calling him Milord.
WHAT IF THEY GAVE A REVOLUTION AND NO ONE WATCHED?
Didn’t see the WWA PPV. Don’t care. So no comments. Read what we’ve put up on the site about it if you missed it.
OLYMPIC WRAP-UP:
CREDIT CANADA:
Let’s give a little LUV north of the border to the Canadians, as they get a full set of medals in their national sports: gold in men’s and women’s hockey, silver in men’s curling, and bronze in the Whiny Bitch K120. The latter was the most hotly-contested contest of the games. The Canadians put up near-perfect marks in the Jamie & David Compulsories (including the new revelations from Marie-Reine Le Gougne that it was the Canadians who were pressuring her and not the French), but stumbled quite badly when everyone except for Mark Madden decided that the real Great One’s comments could be interpreted as a motivational speech (I’m serious about Madden; he went off on an incredible anti-Gretzky tirade on ESPN Radio on Saturday. More about the fat f*ck later.).
Meanwhile, the South Koreans showed incredible creativity in the short (track) program by concentrating their efforts completely on one competitor. They got major bonus points by choosing a half-Japanese American as their target, thus covering both the host country and their traditional enemy at the same time. The takedown in the 1000 was the perfect setup for the protest in the 1500. The reaction after the denial was enough to clinch silver for them (contrast this to said target’s reaction to the incident in the 500 semi-finals which eliminated him; he had the best “Oh, Shit, Busted!” look I’ve ever seen). In the future, “No, No, Ohno” will be seen as a technical masterpiece on the level of Torvill and Dean’s “Bolero”.
(Speaking of short track, the new king of the small oval is Canada’s Marc Gagnon, with two golds. Any relation, Dave?)
But, let’s face it, the masters of the Whiny Bitch are the Russians, and they went all-out when they had to. They were able to keep up a continuous drone all the way through the Games, from being central figures in l’affaire Jamie & David through to Slava Fetisov’s comments in the hockey medal round, showing the old consistency and endurance in the long program that were hallmarks of the great Soviet Whiny Bitch teams. The threat to pull out was absolutely classic, and the fact that they were able to get President Putin involved was sweet indeed. It’s great to see them back at full strength, and I can’t wait to see what they do in Turin.
MEGA-OFFICIAL OLYMPIC BONER BABE CLOSEOUT:
Claudia Pechstein, Germany, double gold medalist (3000 and 5000m speed skate): I like budding hausfrau types, and German women to begin with, so this was a no-brainer.
Irina Slutskaya, Russia, silver medal, figure skating: Just for the name. I don’t think I could survive a three-way with her and tennis star Elena Dementievna.
Kurt Dieckmann recommended Alisa Camplin, Australia, gold medal, women’s freestyle skiing. I highly agree.
Barry Petchesky recommended Sarah Hughes (prior to her winning the gold medal in figure skating…nice call, Barry). I’d agree, except for two things: 1) it’s too close to Humbert Humbert with me for my taste and 2) a caller on a local sports radio station said that she’s a soundalike for the “Once when I was in band camp” girl from American Pie, and she was. That kinda wrecked it for me right there.
And, of course, Jennifer Rodriguez, United States, double bronze medalist (1000 and 1500M speed skate): Normally, I don’t like Hispanic women (especially Hispanic women who dye their hair blonde; do they realize how hideous that looks?). However, Cubans are the exception. Cuban women are heartbreakingly beautiful and stay that way. They’re seemingly immune from the tendency for Hispanic women to grow mustaches and blow up to the size of Fat Bastard the moment you marry them. Miami Ice, as the sign said, is certainly en fuego.
BEST META-RECORD:
SLC set the world record for most world records broken in speed skating in one Olympics with eight (out of ten races). Just thought you’d want to know.
VARIOUS AND SUNDRY:
Canada wins hockey gold fifty years to the day of its last gold medal win. The US wins medals in bobsled for the first time since 1956. Johann Muehlegg and Larisa Lazutina get stripped of gold medals for using a drug that’s not on the Banned List yet, but only for their final wins; they get to keep the medals they won earlier in the games. Kevin Sutherland, the 62nd seed, wins the World Match Play Championship…wait, that wasn’t part of the Olympics. But it definitely belongs as part of a weekend filled with complete weirdness.
CLOSING CEREMONIES?
Blew ’em off. It was either sleep or another mindf*ck on the level of the Opening Ceremonies, and sleep won out handily.
See you in two years as I pull out the anal sex and olive oil jokes for Athens 2004.
FARC OFF
Columbian Presidential candidate Ingrid Betancourt was kidnapped, along with her campaign manager, on Saturday by leftist rebels who apparently don’t have a clue that we’re now in the 21st Century and that the act of kidnapping political candidates to extort concessions is considered in bad taste and counter-productive. She was traveling to an area that was recently recaptured by the Columbian army from the rebels to hold a human rights rally. Coming on the heels of Daniel Pearl, we can only hope for Senator Betancourt’s safety and her quick, safe return.
THAT FAT FUCK MADDEN, AS PROMISED
You know, I should know better than to tune into ESPN Radio on weekends, but I was headed home for work, and the other sports station in town had college basketball, so on it went, and on came Madden. Since I hadn’t heard him in a while, I forgot how atrocious he really is on the radio, worse than those three suckwads from Cleveland (Brinda, Lewis, and Roda) that occasionally show up on ESPN. If you think I’m a provocateur, try listening to Madden sometime. He goes after everyone for no apparent reason. At least I have some rationale, specious though some people think it is, for going after Flex. The comments about Gretzky that he made were ugly, but then he went after Colin Montgomerie for saying that he didn’t want to play in the US anymore due to the fact that fans here heckle him. Putting aside the issue of a Scot considering Americans ill-mannered and rude for a second, there was no call for the level of bile that Madden inflicted on Monty. The guy’s got a point, Mark. He’s the most successful golfer in the history of the EuroTour, and can’t get ounce one of respect in America, so he wants to go back to Europe, where he’s more comfortable, more successful, and has a game adapted for the courses there. He just had the misfortune of saying it in public and you getting a hold of that statement. You know, Madden, you calling Monty a jerk makes me an instant Monty fan, period. I hope he wins the US Open this year, just to shut you up.
Memo to Charlie Owens: Since you’re the only one I know who admits to being from PGH, I’ve got to ask you: Is Madden always this obnoxious, or does he save it for the occasions when he has a nationally syndicated audience?
THE SHORT FORM
As the final run-up to Wrestlemania starts producing the aftermath of your average short-track race with the excitement of the opening rounds of curling, we get another episode of Raw. What hijinks ensued?
Match Results:
Billy Gunn and Chuck Palumbo over Matt and Jeff Hardy, Tag Titles Match, A Chi Chi LaRue Production (Pinfall, Gunn pins Jeff, Palumbo superkick): Must…control…gay…jokes…okay, things are bad when I start ripping material off of Scott Adams. Although I think that Dogbert holding the book would be great.
Rob Van Dam over The Big Show and Lance Storm, Triple Threat Intercontinental Number One Contenders’ Match (TBS gets pinned, Five-Star Frog Splash): Regal was shooting during his guest commentary about Storm being the best opponent for him out of this bunch. We could have had the AAA-level version of Benoit/Regal at Pillman 2000 with Storm. Instead, we’re now stuck with yet another episode of Stylistic Mismatch for WM. And all because WWF fans can’t appreciate mat wrestling. Dammit.
Booker T over Rikishi (Pinfall, superkick): There are other reasons for Booker to learn Japanese other than a commercial. For instance, learning the language of a country where he could go to be appreciated for his talents. Mitsuhara Misawa on line 2, Mister Huffman…
Jazz over Molly, Women’s Title Match (Pinfall, brainbuster suplex): Is there any way Vince can call Rent-a-Joshi to get some competition in for Jazz since they’ve obviously not decided to turn Jackie into a threat? It’s getting pretty sad watching Jazz beat up on Molly every few weeks to remind us there’s such a thing as a women’s title.
Chris Jericho over Kurt Angle, Undisputed Title Match (Pinfall, face-first leg sweep): Typical damn good match between the two, so no complaints, even with the Kane interference. Angle’s live-action equivalent of an Avery Wild Take as he realized that it was Kane behind him, though, made the match. Both deserve better than what they’ve been receiving.
Steve Austin over Curt Hennig (Pinfall, Stunner): Nice little match for what it was, and Hennig didn’t oversell too much (unlike JR and Lawler post-match). Good that they saved the obvious run-in for after the match. Nicely booked, and Hennig looked damn good. See, I can give credit when it’s due.
Angle Developments:
Wheelbarrow 3:16: I always wondered what an NWO promo would sound like if HallNashHogan were all on downers. This one was it. I’ve seen the same enthusiasm from sanitation crews at my plants when I use the words “It’s still dirty. Clean it again.” That’s the way to build up to WM, guys. And so now we have two-thirds of the dance card filled. Flex/Hogan and Hall/Austin. So who’s Nash’s dance partner going to be? Considering it’s the Biggest Show On Earth, the only person whom Nash would want to fight is, of course, himself. Fortunately, advances in cloning have made that possible for the first time.
The Nausea Of Positive Thinking: A lot of people have written me to try to justify Christian’s negative push. I don’t mind a negative push; I did mind the fact that Christian was being a little too over-the-top for it to be effective. That push, of course, all came to naught as Christian’s face turn began in the worst way imaginable courtesy of Page getting involved. Poor guy deserves better than this, that’s for sure.
Giving Each Other The Business: Isn’t Steph and Jericho teaming up sorta like me, Dave Scherer, and Rick Scaia co-authoring a book? I also think that the chyron reading “Undisputed WWF Champion Chris Jericho and Stephanie McMahon” seems to be oddly appropriate. God knows that if Steph could book herself to win the belts, she would. This is good enough for her, though. For now. And remember what I was saying last week about Jericho’s and Angle’s heel turns being failures? The fact that Jericho needs the Billion-Dollar Crutch to get himself over and Angle has to position himself as a tweener in the feud between Jericho and Trip proves it.
To Be The Man, You’ve Got To Beat The Man’s Best Buddy: Seeing Arn Anderson blade and take a beating is not only great for reliving great moments, but it’s also a master class in and of itself in what’s become an almost dead art in the WWF.
The Extremely Friendly Tap: Since we’re in Providence, Tim White’s pub gets some pub, as usual. What the purpose of this was, I have no idea, but I do know that White might get some additional business from Provincetown when the weather gets warmer.
AND IN OTHER WRESTLING NEWS…
There is none, really. 1bullshit’s revamped their code so that I can’t bring up any of the individual articles while my ad blocker’s running. How appropriate. However, they do have a story there on which indy workers appeared in drag at the Friendly Tap, so if you’re far less fussy about what you let through your Net connection than I am, go for it.
A SHORT MAILBAG
PuffDad910 asked me whether or not last week’s Raw “changed my mind” about whether or not the WWF is well and truly f*cked. Well, a great deal of that screen was written AFTER Raw, not before it. Raw, if anything, reinforced my opinion.
Tim Moysey says that what happened in pairs figure skating may not be a coincidence. David Pelletier used to be a beer vendor at the Molson Centre. More proof that Steph had a hand in booking it, huh?
Memo to Sam Dawes: All politicians are money whores, and the Clintonistas were an example of Worst of Breed in that regard, so I’m laboring under no illusions about . I’m certainly not giving McAuliffe a pass on Global Crossing, but Enron’s a much bigger issue given possible personal connections between the parties.
Joseph Cafferky, who I forgot to credit for asking me the question last week about Powell, Rice, and Cheney, asked me in the same letter that if I hate Flex for doing the same routine as both heel and face, how do I feel about others than have done the same, like Austin, Jericho, and the Dudleys? The Dudleys I disliked, but it didn’t get to hate level because they were turned back. Remember, it took me six months to get thoroughly sick of Flex once and for all. Austin and Jericho made changes in their personalities to go along with the change in their status, something Flex never did. So they don’t really fall into the same category.
Guillaume le Françoy, a frequent writer, has a great idea for a main event match at WM to replace Trip/Jericho, but I think Bob Holly’s still going to be out at that time, thus rendering the possibility of a Holly/Maven Hardcore Dropkick Extreme Tables match an impossibility. I’d love to see it, though, Bill, and it’s a great idea.
That’ll be all for me. More of me tomorrow, connection and sleep willing. Smackdown results and commentary, a mailbag, You’re A Moron, and more would be my best guess at this point. Until then, survive your lives and come back.
About Eric Szulczewski
